Haunted by childhood abuse, how do I move forward?

Respected Sir/Madam,

I have had the worst childhood. I have been a victim of something and that made me look at the world from a different perspective. I am a victim of child abuse and was a witness of domestic violence as well. I am twenty-four years old now and the horror started when I was eleven years of age in my sixth grade. From being abused me, I also saw my mother battle domestic violence through the hands of my father. Soon, at that young age, I came to know things like adultery, domestic violence, sex and even spirituality.

I dropped out of engineering in the fourth term… I hadn’t really wanted to do engineering, by the way, was forced to do it. I remembered the movie, Three Idiots, as I suffered.

The problems started in my childhood when my father mistreated me due to his selfishness and it continues to deeply disturb, hurt and disorient me even today. I lost everything in my life, I feel everything got shattered at a young age. Being a single child for my parents I had no one to share my problems with, I can’t call my mother my confidante either. I made some close friends and opened up to them but they backstabbed me. After that, I became an introvert – though that actually helped me discover my identity.

But, the way the abuser treated me, I can’t forget till my death. My physical wounds have healed but my pain within has not.

I sometimes go into depression and I have overcome it to some extent but I am a mess, I cry a lot. Please show me the way forward.  I want a normal life, family and relationships for my present and future. I also wonder that if I ever am in a relationship with a girl in the future, should I tell her about my past or should I hide it from her?

Am writing to you as I have nowhere else to go.

Dear Reader:

1. You have had a very disturbing childhood which is bleeding into your adult life. It is not very easy to realise the fact that you deserve happiness now. Since you have begun to look for answers and solutions; and are looking for happiness for your future you have already taken the first step towards recovery.

2. At the moment you need to have a job that you can concentrate on and take you towards success- you need some element of success to realise your worthiness.

3.You also need to have a confidante in your life who will be able to listen to you and help you pull out of the occurring depression. This will also help you rebuild your trust in people.

4. For the pain that you feel due to childhood trauma, take help from a psychologist to pull you through this situation into stability.

5. If you do get into a relationship with a girl do not hide your past from her. She would be accepting you with your past and obviously, you would be carrying the baggage of the past. If she knows your past then she would be able to understand your current behaviour better and be able to help you cope up with it.

If she isn’t able to accept your past then she isn’t the one for you. Your decisions become better. Good luck

Wish you the best! Good luck.

Jaseena Backer