I am 22 years old and pursuing my post-graduation in neuropsychology. I am dating a guy who is my senior at university. I don’t understand what he wants. Like he was the person who confessed in front of the whole class that she is my crush and I like her a lot and want to date her. I also liked him and we started dating.
He is not sure of the relationship now
Things went on and after some time he started saying that he needed time to think that if he wanted this relationship or not. He said that he is confused about his life as he has no aim in his life and doesn’t know what he will do after this. I always gave him time, space everything that he needed. And recently he told me that while he was still in a relationship with me he had sex with some other girls from our university. This just broke my trust in him. I want him to get a good life as he is very lazy, confused and he is always undecided about things and he smokes a lot.
He has started avoiding me
I just ask him to give me some time and attention as I don’t like this continuous texting and calling. I like real face-to-face conversations so I asked him to give me 30 to 45 minutes a day but he finds excuses either not to meet me or not to contact me. I feel like breaking this relationship as he has broken my trust. But I think that I should help him out finding his life back. Because of all this, I am not able to concentrate in my studies and I have my final exams coming up soon.
This is affecting me badly
I have become super lazy. Not taking proper meals, not taking care of myself. I am over thinking all the time. No idea what should I do? I have become so attached to him. That I don’t want to lose him but I want to help him improve and change himself. He always says that I am not allowed to give him advice or suggestions as he doesn’t like it when I give that to him. But in all this, I have lost myself. What I used to be 3 months back I am not the same, I am a totally changed person. I think I am too attached to him because this is my first relationship and also my first physical relation with anyone. Can you just help me out? I don’t want to spoil my life because of him. But I don’t know what to do to stop myself from spoiling my future.
I understand how you must be feeling. We don’t always get to choose who we fall in love with. I also, understand your desire to want to help him and fix him.
Does he want your help?
Based on what you have shared here, that he doesn’t allow you to give him advice or suggestions, etc., it doesn’t seem like he is open to the help you are willing to offer.
You cannot help someone if they don’t want to help or are not really open to it.
The relationship is affecting you negatively
Furthermore, this relationship seems to be affecting you a lot. It is having a negative impact on your mental, physical and emotional health. You are unable to or not taking care of yourself and he is lost and doesn’t know what to do and by trying to help him you have also got sucked into his world and lost your way.
Is this relationship healthy?
Just because you love someone does not always mean that you should be with the person. It’s important to follow your heart but always listen to your brain.
Love grows when a relationship is healthy. Love hurts and breaks down slowly when a relationship is unhealthy.
In both cases, love may exist but it is important to always be in a healthy loving relationship.
Attributes of a healthy loving relationship
There are lots of factors, here I will mention a few, such as trust, encouragement, open honest and comfortable communication, mutual respect, physical safety, shared goals, etc. Now in your case, the trust has been broken, the communication is not flowing as he is not open and with reference to what you’re saying and how you feel, this also shows a lack of respect for you, and the time and effort and love you are giving him there is no effort on his part to give it back.
No relationship goals
There are no goals, either as individuals or even as a couple. The things you have mentioned such as cheating and his general disinterest in wanting to spend time with you these are all red flags. Red flags are basically the signs that we tend to miss early on in relationships which ultimately lead to problems, challenges and finally breakups. The positive side to this is that you are aware of the red flags now and can avoid further pain and avoid investing in a relationship that doesn’t seem to have a future.
You heal first and set goals
You have mentioned you want to help him, but you cannot help him in the current state you are in. You need to first take care of yourself and your needs. Only when you’re whole and healed can you help him. So you need to focus on your needs, your desires and your future plans.
Do this first:
- Take a piece of paper and a pen and write down what your ideal life would be right now, include everything you want in your life other than him.
- Every morning when you wake up read what you wrote and visualize that kind of life.
- Then make some concrete and specific goals and steps you need to take to achieve that ideal life and work towards it.
- This exercise would help you find your purpose again. Make sure you take care of yourself, study hard, eat meals on time, exercise, sleep well and spend time with friends.
Don’t treat it as a loss it should be a lesson
You have mentioned that you are attached to him, but you don’t want to spoil your life because of him. When anyone leaves your life after being in it for a period of time, it feels like a loss. When we lose someone we all go through the stages of grieving – Denial and isolation; Anger; Bargaining; Depression; Acceptance. It will take time to get used to not having him around. I believe that we meet people in our lives with a purpose and each encounter has something for us to learn about ourselves or life in general. Rather than ask ‘what is happening to me?’ ask ‘what is this teaching me?’
It’s not always easy to forget your first love or first anything. That will always hold a special place in your heart, even if you let it go. It will take time to heal from it and open up again. Start by loving yourself and healing yourself.
You say you don’t want to spoil your life. As a psychologist, I cannot make a decision for you or tell you what to do, but I can tell you that your life is in your hands and you have the power to change it. You have a CHOICE! In fact, you make choices each day, like what to eat, what to wear, what time to get up, etc. Every choice you make will lead to a different direction and that direction is entirely your choice.
I hope this helps. If you have more questions or want to talk to someone, you can contact the Bonobology team.
Best of luck