Perhaps you saw him lingering on his colleague’s Instagram profile a little too often or the LinkedIn profile of his HR is always open on his desktop. You may have tried to ignore it at first, but when a dating app notification pops up on his phone, your cries of “my husband looks at other females online” are justifiably upsetting.
When your husband looks at other women, you’re bound to feel insecure, even if you don’t want to. “It’s just her Instagram, it opened as a misclick!” he might say, but can you really misclick on a particular profile three times a day?
You may even believe — or are led to believe — that you’re being crazy for suspecting anything. But at the end of the day, what you feel is what you feel. Let’s answer the question, “Why does my husband look at other women?”, and figure out what we can do about it.
What Does It Mean When Your Man Looks At Another Woman?
Danielle tells us, “My husband looks at other females on Instagram, and it bothered me more than I’d like to admit. At first, I immediately assumed the worst. I struggled with my own bottled-up emotions. When I finally lashed out at him, it came as a complete surprise to him.
“He claimed it “didn’t mean much,” and told me he’d stop. The fact that he stopped did make me feel better, but I didn’t think he’d just be doing it without much really going on in his mind.”
Just like Danielle, you may have a million thoughts racing through your mind, and insecure thoughts about your relationship may be most of them. Before you text your best friend something like, “My boyfriend looks at other females online, he’s definitely bored of me, right?”, take a moment to read about what the possible reasons could be. Let’s get into them:
1. It doesn’t necessarily mean your husband is going to cheat on you
Let’s get the big one out of the way first. According to studies, looking at attractive alternatives is normal and not a cause for concern as long as the person looking showcases self-control enough to not act on temptation and pursue a relationship with this person. In other words, if they can take a cold shower and not be pervs, you’re good to go.
However, if your husband looks at other women online and frequently chats them up, you may have some cause for concern there. Does he generally lack self-control? Is he pursuing a relationship with the person? If not, you can breathe a sigh of relief and tell your partner to knock it off.
2. It’s usually a sign of temporary sexual attraction or curiosity
“My boyfriend looks at other females on Instagram, and I can’t figure out why.” “Why does my husband look at other women?” If you’re struggling with questions like these, the answer is simple: your man may have gotten temporarily distracted by them. Sexual attraction toward an attractive individual is normal.
In most cases, your husband or boyfriend would think about the other woman for as long as the glance lasts: a few seconds. Usually, it’s a form of fleeting sexual attraction that fades away once they’ve looked away. Ask him later that night why he stared at that woman, he may not even remember who you’re talking about.
Related Reading: How To Find Out If Your Partner Is Cheating Online?
However, if you find your husband making an effort to be able to ogle away at a particular woman on multiple occasions, it’s time to have a conversation. Keep in mind that a momentary glance is fine, but multiple creepy stares are absolutely not.
3. The theory of objectification
It’s an unfortunate world we live in, but there’s no point escaping the truth that might sometimes influence some of our decisions. According to studies, men (and sometimes even women) may look at other women because they’ve objectified them, reducing their worth to their sexual body parts.
In no way does this signify how a man thinks about women in the long run, and in no way does this make ogling away at women okay. It may be a momentary objectification that one could argue is biologically rooted in the psyche of men.
What’s heartbreaking, however, is the fact that objectification is done exclusively with women. Men may do so because they’re biologically trying to admire a potential mating partner, women may objectify other women as a form of comparison.
4. No, it doesn’t mean he thinks she’s everything he doesn’t have
A fleeting glimpse is just that in most cases — a momentary distraction. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, it doesn’t mean he thinks that the other woman is more attractive than you are. It doesn’t affect the feelings he has for you.
But if it happens more than you’d like it to, and it doesn’t feel like a normal gaze, it definitely is an extremely immature and insensitive thing to do. In most cases, it’s not a sign of a cheating boyfriend, but it’s something anyone would rather not have to deal with in their relationship.
Since it’s not the best thing to say, “My husband looks at other females online. I don’t know what to do about it anymore”, let’s talk a bit about what you can do about it.
What To Do About Your Husband Looking At Other Women Online
As we mentioned, in most cases, it’s a normal thing to do. But when it crosses a line and seems disrespectful, acknowledging it and making sure you do something about it is an absolute must. If your partner locks his phone screen immediately upon you entering the room with a squirmy smile on his face, he knows he’s doing something wrong too.
It’s entirely possible you might be left utterly confused by questions like, “My husband looks at other females online, and I don’t even know how to talk to him about it.” Let’s take a look at a few things you should do to not let this molehill leave you with a mountain to climb.
1. Acknowledge your feelings
If it bothers you, it bothers you. If you’d like it to not bother you, the first thing you need to do is not lie to yourself about what you’re feeling. Now that you’ve accepted the fact that when your husband looks at other women online, it makes you want to smash his phone to bits because of the jealousy in your relationship, You can work on how to process those emotions.
Writing down the emotions you’re feeling and why you might possibly be feeling them is a good idea. Is it anger? Are you feeling resentment? Perhaps there’s a lot of insecurity clouding your judgment. Getting to the bottom of either of these emotions has a different process, and you may learn a thing or two about yourself.
2. Communicate and listen
“My boyfriend looks at other females online, and I kept it to myself for the longest time. I assumed he was cheating on me, but never brought it up. When I finally couldn’t hold it in and lashed out at him, he told me the profile of an influencer his firm was doing marketing for. I wish I’d talked to him about it before,” Jen wrote to us.
Once you know the emotions you are feeling, make sure you don’t bottle them in. If it bothers you, have a constructive conversation about it with your partner without accusing him of anything. Use a gentle tone of voice and put forth why it bothers you and what you’d like to do about it.
As important as it is to talk about it, it’s equally important to be able to listen. If you go into the conversation convinced that he’s cheating on you, the conversation will be of no use. Before you say things like, “My husband looks at other females online, I know he’s cheating on me,” try to listen to what he has to say. In effect, you’ll also be improving communication in your relationship.
3. Don’t let him play it off as nothing
“My boyfriend looks at other females on Instagram, and it really bothered me. When I spoke to him about it, he made me feel like I was crazy for even being concerned about it. “Is this how much you trust me? Are you crazy? It doesn’t mean anything, to be honest; you should look at yourself and figure out why you’re feeling this way,” he’d say,” Charlotte said, referring to how her boyfriend made her feel invalidated.
“I thought I was crazy for feeling this way. But the longer it went on, the more it bothered me. Eventually, I couldn’t bear the fact that his only means of conflict resolution was calling me crazy for it,” she adds.
Related Reading: 9 Psychological Facts About Cheating – Busting The Myths
What Charlotte experienced is basically a form of gaslighting in a relationship. If it’s something that bothers you and you’re willing to have a civilized conversation around it, don’t let your partner dismiss it outright as nothing.
As is the case in any healthy relationship, they must make sure they hear you out. If you’re concerned about something, no matter how minor, the least they can do is validate your feelings.
4. Seek professional help
You can only hit your friends up with complaints like, “My husband looks at other females online!” for a limited amount of time before they get annoyed. Moreover, if every conversation you have about it leads to a fight, it’s better to seek help from an impartial third party.
A counselor or a therapist will help you figure out what’s wrong in your dynamic and how you can work through the problems. The counselor will help give you a platform to say your piece about, “My husband looks at other females online”, as well as give your husband and you a chance to have a civil discussion, all directed toward the goal of conflict resolution and harmony.
If it’s help you’re looking for, Bonobology’s panel of experienced counselors is just a click away.
How Can I Check If My Husband Is Looking At Women Online?
If you’re not convinced with the more civil methods of conflict resolution that we listed out, there are still a few things you can do. Bear in mind, however, that effectively stalking or spying on your partner reeks of distrust. There’s nothing a conversation can’t fix, and opting to snoop around in their private lives isn’t the best thing for your relationship or marriage.
If you skipped through the last paragraph like we all collectively skip the terms of service for any software ever, let’s get into answering the question, “How can I see what my husband is looking at on the internet?”
Related Reading: An Expert Tells Us What Goes In The Mind Of A Cheating Man
1. If you’re worried about them being on dating apps, you can fish them out
The best way to catch a cheating spouse on a dating app is by making a fake account of your own. Set preferences, and get to swiping until you stumble upon their profile. By setting the appropriate preferences for their age, location, and other factors, you’ll be limiting the pool of people you see.
2. “How can I see what my husband is looking at on the internet?” Track their internet activity
If you get your hands on the common laptop or phone, there are no limits to what you can do. Track their browsing history, snoop on their email, open up their social media, the whole shebang.
When your husband looks at other women, you’re probably fearing the worst. But if snooping for a bit is what’s going to put your mind to rest, perhaps you can keep your morals aside and indulge — just this once.
3. Monitoring apps may be for you
The itch to know things has led us to develop multiple apps, which when installed on your partner’s phone or laptop can help you track their every move. All you need to do is install it on their device, and you can see their activity through the software you’ve installed on your phone or laptop.
4. Get a read on him
Sometimes all you need is to be able to read your spouse like a book. Is he shifty with his phone, all of a sudden? Is his passcode suddenly longer than nuclear launch codes? Does he freak out if you grab his phone to Google something?
All these could point to something going on. Once you do have sufficient reason to say, “My husband looks at other females on Instagram” go ahead and have a conversation with him about it.
When your partner looks at another woman, you’re definitely not going to be too thrilled about it. But instead of overthinking and saying, “My husband looks at other females online. Does this mean our relationship is over?” hopefully, this article has given you a better idea of what to do. If you find yourself paranoid about the possible outcomes, make sure you have a conversation about it with your partner.