I Don’t Think I Love My Husband Anymore

Being in love is the greatest feeling ever, but that’s a fragile state to be in because one day, just like that, you could fall out of love too. Yes, the end of relationships is difficult but falling out of love while the other person is living in complete oblivion is harder.

How can I bring myself to admit I don’t love my husband anymore? How do you know you don’t love someone anymore? Well, the harsh reality is that the signs are all there, we just fail to see them, rather, we live in denial that this is actually happening to us. Even more so, when you’re actually falling out of love with someone who you thought you’d be with forever.

I Don’t Love My Husband Anymore: What Can I Do?

Can you see all the signs you don’t love him anymore? If you can see the signs it’s time for taking a break – an on-and-off relationship, constant fights, and unavoidable communication errors, you can’t escape reality any longer.

Tell yourself the truth; tell yourself, ‘I don’t love my husband anymore’. I know it’s hard, but I’ve been there, and the only thing that’s worse than this feeling is continuing to live the same way just because you are too afraid to come to terms with reality.

Being a working woman wasn’t appreciated at my house

It was an unusual Sunday morning. I lazed around with my coffee mug. The children were out on a camp from school. And finally, I found some ‘me’ time by the balcony.

I heard Darren discussing the academic and behavioral progress of the kids with his mother, at the breakfast table. Clearly, they weren’t very happy about my absence. My mother-in-law cited examples from the neighborhood of mothers who have happily given up their careers to bring up the kids.

Darren switched the topic quickly to how I should use my time more effectively, as most days I work from home. I smiled to myself. We had a lot of discussions about this, which ultimately ended in heated arguments.

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My backstory

I met Darren in college. My academic career had always been commendable. My participation in college events and a pleasant personality attracted several boys. However, I fell for Darren despite his mediocrity at all levels. He was a simple, innocent boy who loved me with all his heart. I completed graduation with flying colors. Darren merely secured an average score.

We got married. Both of us were working for two IT giants. Darren got the job despite his low grades. Married life was a prolonged journey of friendship, balancing our careers and personal life. Then the unthinkable happened. One morning, I discovered I was pregnant. After much contemplation, I decided the reasons to go ahead with pregnancy were concrete and nothing could convince me otherwise.

I fell in love with my little family

I wasn’t ready for it. But my maternal instincts overshadowed the career woman in me. Nine months later, I gave birth to twin boys – Raymon and Roy. Soon enough, my world started revolving around the two of them, the apples of my eyes.

The roller-coaster ride involved me staying up at night, incomplete projects, absent domestic help, a mother-in-law reluctant to pitch in, and minuscule help from Darren. Things got hectic beyond my imagination. I juggled my career and two tiny lives all alone. Darren was busy climbing the corporate ladder.

Juggling this work-life balance taught me a lot of things. I realized that I loved my work, I loved my little kids more than I can put in words, and I also learned that I just didn’t love him anymore. I was slowly but steadily falling out of love with my husband.

Related Reading: What To Do When Your Husband Belittles You

I struck up an arrangement

Eventually, I decided to move to a project where I could work from home most of the time. It didn’t promise career growth. The mother in me agreed it was more important to take care of the kids. I couldn’t watch my kids being deprived of the care they should get.

I struggled day and night with my projects, assignments, kids’ homework, extracurricular activities, an ailing mother-in-law, and endless household chores. Lack of sleep at night was normal. I tried talking to Darren but in vain.

He failed to understand that a nanny was not a solution, whereas a little accommodation and collaboration from the family members, especially him, can make the situation better. He also complained that my career was not moving as planned, hence he had greater financial responsibilities now. Therefore, he needed to focus more on his career than domestic trivialities.

I was taken aback. In the heat of the moment, I pointed out that I’m the one who pays the EMI of the flat. This made things worse. Our arguments followed by an awkward silence began to frighten the kids.

The marriage was falling apart

I wondered what changed Darren so much, and why I don’t love him anymore. I fought, cried, talked; nothing helped. I suggested counseling then, but he wasn’t ready. There was no intimacy in our marriage.

Darren often talked about women excelling in their careers as well as in motherhood. They even excel in presenting themselves. I felt hollow. Then it hit me: I was not in love anymore because he constantly put me down and made me doubt myself. And that’s not how your partner should make you feel.

I felt like I was not good enough

Am I not doing enough? Did I leave any stone unturned? I searched for the answer, day in…day out. I always believed that I am good but never good enough to comply with all the needs. I am not Superwoman, just moderately good at everything.

At 35, I still look like I’m in my late 20s but not gorgeous enough. I earn a salary to pay the EMI of our home and a few other needs of the family but not enough to manage a decent lifestyle. I sing well and speak well but my PR skills are not top-notch.

Strangely, Darren buys expensive clothes and jewelry for me, which I never asked for, but fails to acknowledge my efforts. I started withdrawing from him. I spent sleepless nights saddened by the thought that Darren doesn’t love me anymore. What went wrong in our relationship?

Related Reading: Midlife Crisis For A Woman: What Is It? How To Deal With It?

So how did I know I don’t love him anymore? Did I ever love him? Honestly, I don’t know. In fact, I don’t feel the need to analyze this anymore. All I care about is my kids, my rays of hope… who encourage me to sing, scribble, play and more importantly, laugh.

It was weird but I came to terms with the fact that I don’t love my husband anymore. After all these years, we decided to separate because that was the best for our kids, and honestly, for me too. Having someone judge and belittle me despite knowing I was a better person than they was difficult to put up with. But I’m done now. I’m going to live my life the way I want to.

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