Does your wife give you a cold, detached look? Do you feel lonely and depressed despite being married to the woman you love? Do you live with a pit in your stomach brought on by the “my wife hates me” realization? You feel that there is a wall between your wife and you. Your wife, who used to greet you with a smile and make your life fulfilled with the warmth of her love, now acts cold and distant. If you find these depictions relatable, there is a high possibility that your wife hates you.
You feel as if she doesn’t even care about your existence. These could also be the signs that she has fallen out of love, is cheating on you or the monotony of everyday life has led to boredom creeping into your relationship, making her distant and withdrawn. Whatever be the reasons behind her changing attitude toward you, “My wife hates me” is an unsettling realization. This realization is often followed by the all-consuming question: “Why does my wife hate me?”
While ruminating over this question is important to identify the underlying triggers behind her changing attitude toward you, you need to ask yourself how you can remedy the situation. As your thoughts swing between “I don’t know why my wife hates me” and “what can I do to save my marriage”, it may seem like your relationship is doomed to fail.
As bleak as the situation may seem, not all hope is necessarily lost. We’re here to tell you what to do when your wife hates you, in consultation with counseling psychologist Kranti Momin (Masters in Psychology), who is an experienced CBT practitioner and specializes in various domains of relationship counseling. But before we explore the possible solutions for this issue, let’s take a look at some tell-tale signs your wife hates you as well as the probable reasons behind them.
5 Signs Your Wife Hates You
Shawn, a mechanical engineer who has been married for over 7 years, has been going through a rough patch in his marriage and feels that at the root of all their problems are his wife’s changing feelings for him. “She is distant and cold, our discussions don’t go beyond bills and chores, intimacy has gone out the window, and I constantly find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. Does my wife hate me?” he wrote to us in the hope of finding an answer to how best to salvage the situation.
The signs your wife hates you can look a lot like the issues Shawn has been grappling with in his marriage. It doesn’t matter whether the two of you have been married for a few days, months, or years, there is no way to guarantee that you know what’s going on in her mind or understand how she is feeling.
Husbands tend to take their wives for granted, and at times, this can interfere with the emotional intimacy between a couple because of which it can be easy to miss the glaring signs your wife hates you. Everything may seem normal on the surface, yet there may be a storm brewing inside her. A storm that may eventually lead you to say, “I think my wife hates me.”
That’s why it’s important to have a finger on the pulse of your relationship at all times and not overlook the initial warning signs of your wife’s changing feelings toward you. If your wife hates you, these are the most prominent signs you can notice. Although, we’d advise you not to jump to conclusions too soon.
1. You both don’t talk
“I think my wife hates me because she’s never interested in talking to me anymore,” Cristopher confided in a friend, after being subjected to the silent treatment for weeks. As it turned out, he wasn’t exaggerating or imagining worst-case scenarios for no reason. His wife had, in fact, started resenting him for always prioritizing everything else over their relationship.
If all modes of communication have broken down between you and your wife too, it’s a cause for concern. From the constant bickering and complaining, it has turned into dead silence. If your wife who once looked forward to talking to you and sharing her feelings now acts as if she doesn’t even know you exist, it is one of the first glaring signs your wife hates you.
2. She doesn’t care about you
How to tell if your wife hates you? If this question has been giving you sleepless nights, it’s time to pay attention to whether or not she cares about you. Women have an inherent nurturing streak that shines through the most when it comes to the people they love dearly. If a woman stops caring about you, it’s a telling sign that the love she once held for you in her heart has been replaced with cold, negative feelings.
This change in her feelings will reflect in the absence of the little things she did for you so effortlessly in the past that you perhaps didn’t even notice she was putting so much effort into the relationship. But now all of that has changed. She doesn’t call and ask you when you will come home. She doesn’t care whether you’ve eaten or not. You need to unlock the door with a key to enter your own home because she has already slept off. Do you relate to these signs? Then, you’re not wrong in thinking, “My wife hates me.”
Related Reading: 8 Things To Do When Your Wife Walks Out On You
3. She doesn’t try to look good around you anymore
At first, your wife would try to dress up to look good around you. She would wear your favorite colors to try to impress you. Now, when she goes out with you she will dress simply, whereas when she has plans with her friends, she dresses up like she used to. If she no longer feels the need to sweep you off your feet or thrives on compliments from you, it’s time you ask yourself, “Does my wife hate me?”
“I think my wife hates me because she has stopped putting in any effort in attracting my attention to her,” Joshua found himself thinking after his wife dressed up in a plain jumpsuit for their anniversary dinner. And boy, was he right! By the end of the dinner, she had already brought up trial separation because she no longer felt connected to him.
4. She doesn’t smile anymore
A warm smile from the woman you love is enough to melt away the day’s stresses and exhaustion. You feel rejuvenated and refreshed, and that’s what makes you look forward to returning home to her. However, when that warmth and those comforting smiles all but vanish, you can feel the “wife hates me” intuition gnawing in the pit of your stomach.
If she has started hating you, she won’t smile when she sees you. Seeing you makes her depressed or frustrated. She looks grim when you are around. It is as if the entire vibe of the household shifts to morose and depressed the moment you walk through the door because you no longer make her happy.
5. She avoids spending time with you
How to tell if your wife hates you? Here is a tell-tale sign that answers this question accurately: she no longer craves togetherness. She doesn’t spend time with you as she would in the past. The bickering and arguments over how you don’t make time for her are now a thing of the past.
In fact, when you try to make plans with her or try to sit down and talk to her, she makes excuses. She will make you feel as if you’re forcing her to spend time with you. It suddenly seems as if you’re more invested in the relationship than her whereas, in the past, she’d happily go above and beyond just to put a smile on your face. If you have noticed these signs, you should introspect the reasons as well.
8 Possible Reasons Why Your Wife Hates You
“My wife is bored with me.” “My wife is fed up with me.” “I think my wife hates me.” “My wife hates me but I love her.” Your wife’s recent behavior might have brought these thoughts into your mind. It is normal to feel depressed and alone. You might not be in the right frame of mind and be continuously thinking about the reasons why your wife is feeling resentful toward you.
Even more puzzling can be the fact that you have no clue where this hatred is stemming from. “I have no idea why my wife hates me” isn’t an uncommon state of confusion in such situations. Speaking of the possible reasons behind a wife’s hatred for her husband, Kranti says, “Psychologists Shiota, Campos, Gonzaga, Keltner, and Peng (2010) found that cultural differences in how hate and love are experienced together, depending on degrees of emotional complexity.
“Providing further evidence that relationships, especially romantic relationships, may be prone to experiences of emotional complexity, Zayas and Shoda (2012) found that participants are more easily able to identify both positive and negative stimuli through the priming of their romantic relationships, indicating that romantic relationships are prone to complexity and ambivalence.
“Thus, there is evidence suggesting that hate and love can coexist in a relationship. Romantic relationships, and love in general, are complicated. No matter how deeply you care for someone, they won’t make you happy all the time. It’s unrealistic to believe you’ll never experience anger, disgust, and yes, even hate, over the course of a relationship.”
While this offers a broader understanding of why your wife has started hating you, you may still need specific answers. Identifying the reasons could help you in regaining her love and trust if you’re stuck in the “I don’t understand why my wife hates me” loop. Here are 8 possible reasons why your wife hates you:
1. She has so much to deal with on her own
“Why does my wife hate me?” Sometimes the answer to this question can be as simple as her feeling overwhelmed by life and all that it throws her way. After marriage, there are so many responsibilities that both the partners need to share. However, many times, most of the responsibility falls on one partner, without the other partner even realizing it. Such a situation arises unintentionally but can have serious repercussions.
Ask yourself, how much of the daily responsibilities as a married couple could you both share? Do you invest as much time as she does in the household? You might be busy with your office work, but think about how much your wife is burdened with daily responsibilities. She is doing it all alone. This is one of the issues that cause resentment in marriage, which can eventually give way to hatred.
2. She feels insecure
“My wife hates me but I love her.” If that’s where you’re at, think about whether you’re doing enough to express that love. Does your wife feel loved in the relationship? If not, it’s possible that your wife may be feeling insecure about you and your life without her. Are you the type that spends too much time with your friends or coworkers? Those late-night drinks with your coworkers, while your wife is waiting for you at home alone could be one of the reasons for her insecurity.
You need to think about whether you are spending enough time with her and giving her the love that a wife needs. The next time you find yourself wondering, “Why does my wife hate me?”, maybe take a moment to reflect on when was the last time you took her out on a date or told her that you loved her. If it was so long ago that you can’t even remember, it would bode well for you to correct the course and make her feel loved and valued.
3. She hates your habits
“My wife hates me, but why?” This conundrum can be resolved with a little introspection. Your wife might hate you in particular but perhaps some of your habits drive her up the wall. Do you have any such habit that your wife hates and you do it anyway? Maybe she tried reasoning with you or asking you to adjust your ways a little, but you continued indulging in the things that repulsed her.
From smoking and excessive alcohol consumption to spending habits or watching too much porn, the habits that put her off can be of varied types. Marriage is about compromise and understanding. You need to consider your wife’s feelings as well when you start a habit that is opposed by your wife. Try to sit down and talk to her about it instead of continuing those habits without considering her feelings.
Related Reading: My Wife Keeps Bringing Up My Past Mistake. Please Advise.
4. She has to take care of the kids by herself
Every marriage changes after a baby, but whether it is for the better or worse depends on the two partners involved. If after the birth of your child all the parenting responsibilities have fallen on her, it’s not hard to see why she’d resent you for it. She is the one trying to work from home and juggle work and the kids. You might not be as involved with the kids as you should. Remember, both of you as parents should share the responsibilities of the child.
From taking the child to school, getting homework done, making them have their meals, playing with them, taking them out, etc. there’s a lot to do. All of this can’t be done by her alone. No wonder she hates you. If that’s the root of the discord between you two, it’d be a good idea to quit feeling sorry for yourself and thinking, “My wife hates me but I love her”, and step up in your responsibilities as a parent.
5. You’ve lost purpose
You may not be the same man she married and that’s why your wife hates you now. Before marriage, you were this passionate and dedicated, career-oriented person. Now, you quit your job or are making bad investments rather than focusing on your career. Or maybe your life goals have changed so much that she feels like she doesn’t relate to the person you’re becoming.
Your wife might have constantly told you that you’re losing your way or that she feels out of touch with the direction you’re steering your life into but there is a chance you didn’t pay heed to her concerns because you thought you were well within your right to decide how to live your life. You may not be the same person she married. After marriage, you’ve changed as a person and she resents it. This resentment is what often translates into the “I think my wife hates me” intuition.
6. You haven’t been able to meet her expectations
Before marriage, you might have promised her a life full of love and happiness. After marriage, you aren’t able to make enough time to show her how much you love her. Her expectations from the relationship and you aren’t being met. You might have even made some materialistic promises like a big house, a family trip every four months, etc. which you haven’t been able to give her.
Kranti says, “Saying ‘I hate you!’ might help her get out those frustrations that can’t be accurately described in the moment. But taking the time to sort through and identify specific emotions can give you some clarity on what’s really going on. What’s more, getting a better understanding of your feelings can help you start navigating the problem with your partner.”
7. She doesn’t love you anymore
Sometimes, marriages fall apart because one of the partners falls out of love. This could be because of many reasons such as not spending enough time together, routines kicking in, clash of expectations, etc. If your wife doesn’t love you anymore, it doesn’t mean that she loves someone else.
It just could be that she has fallen out of love and is trying to continue this marriage because of other obligations like the kids. She hasn’t told anyone about it and her frustration has come to a point that she hates you.
8. She may be depressed
If none of these common reasons why women start hating their spouses apply to you and you’re at your wit’s ends, trying to find the answer to “why does my wife hate me”, consider the possibility that her changing feelings may not have anything to do with you. She might be depressed due to some other personal reason and could be lashing out at you because of it.
Your wife’s feelings may not have anything to do with hating you. If she has become distant and withdrawn and doesn’t seem like her usual self, don’t give up on her, thinking, “My wife hates me.” She needs your support and love, now more than ever. Despite her efforts to shut you out, reach out to her and do what you can to help your depressed wife.
Related Reading: 9 Things That Husbands Do That Make Their Wife Lose Interest In Them
9 Tips to Deal With Your Wife Hating You
Figuring out how to tell if your wife hates you is only half the battle won. The more crucial part is knowing what to do when your wife hates you. “My wife hates me but won’t divorce, what are my options?” “My wife hates me, should I leave?” Thoughts like these can begin to dominate your mind when your wife no longer shows you the love and affection that brought you together.
However, leaving or walking out of the marriage should definitely not be your first recourse even when you’re dealing with an issue as serious as “my wife hates me”. If you look at your marriage from this defeatist point of view, you’ll only see a dead-end from which it is impossible to bound back. Before you even consider “my wife hates me, should I leave?”, make sure you’ve exhausted all your options.
Once you have identified the reasons why your wife hates you, it is important to deal with it and work to regain her love and respect. You need to focus on saving your marriage before it’s too late. You definitely love your wife and you need to make her feel that lost love again. So, here are 9 tips to deal with your wife hating you and win her back:
1. Start helping out more
You need to understand that taking care of household responsibilities isn’t an easy task for your wife. There are a hundred things to do in a day, and doing these chores every day becomes frustrating. Start helping your wife out more at home. You can wash the dishes while she cleans up, take care of your kid’s homework, get the groceries and do a lot more.
Ask her what more you can do to help out. Tell her that you acknowledge how much work she does and thus want to help her more. It is the 21st century, and there is no time like the present to debunk and denounce gender stereotypes. Make an effort to become accountable for certain aspects of household chores and responsibilities and take initiative to get things done. Don’t sit around and wait for your wife to ask for your help when she needs it.
2. Appreciate her efforts
“I think my wife hates me. What do I do now?” Eric asked his mother, upon having tried and exhausted all the ways he could think of to make amends with his wife. Eric’s mother had a simple piece of advice for him, “Love her, cherish her, appreciate her, and make it a point to let her know that you do.”
Men usually tend to start taking their wives’ efforts for granted after marriage. It is because they are so involved with their work-life that they tend to neglect their personal life. Observe all the efforts that your wife puts in and appreciate her for the same. Compliment her when she cooks your favorite dishes or when she dresses up for you. Acknowledging her efforts will make her feel appreciated and loved.
3. Try spending more time with her
Many times because of hectic schedules, couples tend to get distant because of this, there grows a wall between them. This wall keeps growing and it gets too late when you realize it. Spending more quality time with your wife will help that wall meltdown. It may take some time for things to get back to normal again, but they will eventually do if both partners are willing to give it another try.
Schedule regular date nights, make it a point to spend at least an hour with her each day or have a meal together without gadgets or other distractions. These little efforts will go a long way in reviving your bond. Before you know it, the “my hates me” realization will have become a thing of the past.
Related Reading: My Wife Left Me After 40 Years And I’m Happy For Her
4. Talk to her
To be able to resolve this issue, you need a definitive answer to: “Why does my wife hate me?” As they say, communication is the key. This is true especially when it comes to couples. Sometimes the most effective techniques are the simplest ones. Talk to your wife and ask her whether something is wrong. Speak to her calmly and empathetically. Use the right techniques to overcome communication problems in your relationship to bring down the walls between you and your wife and get her to open up.
You can achieve this by making simple changes in the way you talk to her such as using “I” statements to make sure she doesn’t feel like she’s being accused of anything, avoiding the blame game and being judgmental, and using a reconciliatory tone. Once she starts confiding in you, she will tell you what is wrong with her. She will tell you why she has begun hating you and you both will be able to solve the differences between you. Getting to the root of your issues is the only way of resolving them.
5. Express your love for her
“Before marriage, you would say I love you so many times a day. Now you hardly do.” This is something that most wives complain about. They feel that their husbands become less romantic after marriage. You might be facing the same issue. Tell her how much you love her every day, get her flowers, cook for her and tell her how lucky you are to have her.
If she still loves you, her hatred will begin to diminish. Don’t take it for granted that your wife knows that you love her. Prioritize making her feel loved every single day. If you do, she will have no reason to hate her. And you won’t spend your days wondering, “My wife hates me but won’t divorce, what are my options?” Being in a loveless marriage is equally hard for both partners, but with conscious and consistent effort, you can turn things around.
6. Rekindle the lost love
If your wife has fallen out of love, you need to remind her how wonderful it felt when you were both head over heels in love. Feelings don’t completely go away. Take it from the movie Crazy Stupid Love. Bring back old memories. Show her that you are still the man she fell in love with. If you want to save your marriage and win over the affections of the woman who once made you the center of her world, it’s time to pull all stops.
Do the things you both would do together when you both were dating. Make some uncommon, thoughtful romantic gestures for her to make her heart skip a beat. Express your love for her in words and through your actions. It may seem hard to do these things when your wife has been cold and distant toward you and a part of you is wondering, “My wife hates me, should I leave?”, but it can go a long way in thawing the ice. It will help rekindle the lost love and your wife will start falling in love with you again.
Related Reading: 22 Ways To Make Your Wife Happy
7. Identify the triggers
“I want to know why my wife hates me so much,” Ron said to his therapist, who, in turn, advised him to carefully examine the situations where she goes to the extent of saying “I hate you” or displaying spiteful tendencies. Ron began to notice that it’d typically happen when they were having yet another fight about the same things that they had been arguing over for the past 5 years.
Since they had failed to resolve their issues, they had turned into a chronic conflict that left his wife feeling stuck in an endless loop of arguments and disagreements. Ron realized that what he had been reading as “wife hates me” signs were actually a cry of helplessness at the deteriorating state of their marriage.
Kranti agrees, and adds, “During a heated disagreement, you might feel angry, disappointed, hurt, confused, and betrayed — or some other complex blend of emotions. Since it’s difficult to process and make sense of these emotions in the moment, saying “I hate you” can seem like an easier, cathartic outlet. If you aren’t arguing and these emotions come up without warning, creating some distance can still help clear your head so you can think more calmly about what might be triggering those feelings.”
8. Spend some time apart
What to do when your wife hates you? Allow her and yourself the space and time to work through your emotions. “Try taking a walk, going outside, moving to a different room. If you can’t get physical space, a brief meditation or deep breathing can help calm you down and manage intense emotions more effectively.
“Make sure you’re getting enough time apart. Early on in the relationship, you and your partner may have spent most of your time together. Despite spending nearly all your time together in those early days, you still felt like you weren’t getting to see them enough. While healthy relationships should involve familiarity and time together, for your relationship to thrive, you need time alone, too.
“Space in a relationship is crucial because it can also help you come to terms with minor annoyances that might otherwise build up and create less manageable frustration. These are the little things you may have already decided not to bring up, like random off-key humming or toe-tapping while watching TV,” advises Kranti.
9. Open up to each other
“I think my wife hates me but I don’t know how to get through to her and understand why.” Have you ever felt this way? Then, it’s imperative that you spend this time apart wisely. Make a list of the things you love about your partner, despite those minor annoyances, and also the things you wish could have been better between you two. Ask her to do the same.
“It’s also a good idea to get your wife to open up to you about the challenges you have been facing in your marriage if you haven’t already. They may not be able to resolve your symptoms but they can still support you with compassion and understanding,” says Kranti. Opening up to each other when you’re carrying so much baggage can be challenging.
In such a situation, finding a safe space to air your differences and work through them can work wonders for your relationship. Couples therapy can offer you that safe space in the guidance of a trained and skilled professional. If you don’t want the signs your wife hates you to be the beginning of the end of your marriage, consider going into couple’s therapy. For those looking for help, skilled and certified counselors on Bonobology’s panel are here for you.
Your marriage will have tons of ups and downs. It is important that both partners take care of each other’s needs and communicate to solve issues. If this doesn’t happen, one of you will start getting frustrated in the marriage and start hating your partner. It is important to understand your wife’s perspective and gain her trust and love. Now that you know what to do, go on and save your marriage before it’s too late.