Who knew that after the most picture-perfect wedding day, seven long years of a happy marriage, one brilliant child and four international vacations later, you’d be here trying to understand the signs your husband doesn’t find you attractive?
A dry spell in a marriage, feeling distant from one another, not having too much to talk about, are all understandable and almost inevitable consequences of being married to somebody for a long time. So even if you are convinced of the signs your partner isn’t attracted to you, don’t think of it as the end of the road. Couples’ therapy exists for a reason!
A commitment for a lifetime cannot be based purely on love or lust. While that might seem enough in the initial months or even years of a marriage, a good partnership takes far more work than that. And perhaps that’s where you and your husband are lagging behind. To confirm that, let’s look at a few signs your husband doesn’t find you attractive and what to do about the same.
17 Signs Your Husband Doesn’t Find You Attractive Anymore
Does he rarely ever glance up from his phone to look at you when you put on that sexy night robe hoping you’ll catch his attention? Or does he often spend Friday nights away with the boys, leaving you and the kids at home? If this seems like a daily routine in your marriage, then your ‘My husband isn’t attracted to me anymore’ concern, might just be valid. It’s possible that his love is not real anymore.
Don’t worry though. We’re here for you. Let’s go over your marriage to try and understand what may be going wrong. Here are 17 worrying signs your husband doesn’t find you attractive anymore.
1. He rarely initiates sex anymore
Either that, or you’ve been in a completely sexless marriage for the longest time now. Remember when in the first year of your marriage, you were doing it everywhere from the kitchen counter to the shower to the balcony? Now think about how long ago that seems to be. Probably feels like a lifetime ago.
And even when you do initiate sex every once in a while, after you’ve put the kid to sleep, done the dishes and managed to squeeze in a quick shower, he’s either too tired or just not into it anymore. While that can be really disheartening, it points to something going very wrong in your marriage.
2. Your conversations are duller than ever
Earlier on he always had so much to tell you, whether it was about the Mike vs Patricia feud at his work-place or the song he heard on the radio that reminded him of you. You’d spend an hour after finishing dinner, still sitting at the dining table and discussing your day, work, life and family. But those beautiful days are long gone now.
These days, you’re lucky if he glances up at you while he’s eating that spaghetti with you. The dinner table has gone quiet save the sound of the cutlery, you two head to the kitchen and wordlessly wash the dishes as soon as you’re done and he after that, he prefers to sit on the couch and watch TV instead of asking you how your day went.
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3. He doesn’t do any romantic gestures for you anymore
No, him handing you his credit card because you wanted to check out the new Nordstrom’s collection doesn’t count for a romantic gesture at all. It’s nice of him, but it’s won’t be topping any Grand Romantic Gestures list. Remember when he’d make a mean omelet for you and bring it to you in bed on Sundays?
Or when he’d light an outdoor fire to surprise you just because you mentioned wanting Smores the other day. Well now, he can’t even remember what you like to eat for breakfast, let alone whip something up for you.
4. The affection is lost completely
He’ll smile at you, but he won’t give you a kiss on the forehead. He’ll hold your hand but he will not put his arm around your waist. He’ll kiss you goodnight in bed but never cuddle you to sleep anymore. These are only some of the ways people show affection in a relationship and a marriage. And if you feel like his touch or even his gaze is just not the same anymore, it’s one of the signs your husband doesn’t find you attractive anymore.
5. He’s always on his phone around you
Not only is that a reason to think, “My husband is not attracted to me anymore,” but it could also be one of the cheating signs in your relationship. We don’t mean to get you too worked up but it’s definitely not something that you should completely ignore or let go.
But the problem doesn’t always have to be another woman. It could just as easily be that you simply don’t enjoy each other’s company anymore. He doesn’t really care to make conversation, take part in your life and is often just too distracted by other things.
6. His own hobbies seem to keep him occupied
Some of the signs your husband doesn’t find you attractive could actually be signs he’s just busy, going through something rough at a personal level or that he might even be in a state of depression. It’s possible that his aloofness doesn’t have much to do with you at all.
But if you notice that his life apart from you is flourishing and he truly seems happy in his Instagram stories when he’s playing golf with the boys, well then that’s not the case. Perhaps you should be convinced that the problem is actually in your relationship and not with him.
7. He cancels on double dates
Earlier he used to get all hyped up about going to trivia night at the Main Street bar with you and your favorite couple. Not only was he a riot and extremely good at the game, but it was also a great bonding time for the two of you as a couple.
Suddenly, double dates are not only being sidelined, but also cancelled. He rarely ever brings it up, actively avoids the other couple’s calls and just prefers to lay in bed and watch the game instead.
8. You don’t spend any quality time together
If quality time has always been his love language but lately, he can’t even bother to take you out for dinner and a drive – then your marriage might be in some serious trouble.
Sylvia, a dentist based in Philly told us, “I knew that my husband isn’t attracted to me anymore when I noticed that he stopped engaging with me completely. We used to love playing mini golf together earlier and then suddenly he always had an excuse to cancel or not go. We stopped cooking together, watching TV together and even sunbathing in the backyard – something we used to love doing together in the summers.”
9. He snaps at you a lot
One of the signs your partner isn’t attracted to you is when they never really say anything kind to you anymore. An “I bought a new dress today” is often met with a smirk and a “All you ever do is shop” from him. Instead of being receptive and encouraging, he keeps finding reasons to pull you down or say hurtful things.
Related Reading: How Spending Time With Friends Helps Improve Your Relationship
10. The house echoes with silence
Mornings, evenings, afternoons, late-nights…it doesn’t matter how many lights are on or who is up or what’s cooking in the kitchen. The only thing that stays consistent is the deafening silence in the house.
No more “Honey, I’m home!” or, “Are the kids asleep, yet?” or even a, “What’s for dinner?” seems to escape his lips at this point.
11. He doesn’t even care to fight over things anymore
Fighting in a relationship is actually not the worst thing. Having problems and arguments is only natural. And if you two fight sometimes, it means that you’re both feeling hurt, misunderstood, unheard and are trying to make amends for the same.
But one of the signs your husband doesn’t find you attractive anymore, is when he stops fighting with you. It’s like he’s given up on you and the relationship so much that he barely cares to even try. So even when you do upset him, he just ignores it and does his own thing instead of expressing his feelings to you and trying to make things right.
12. He does not give you compliments
Bianca Tarnowski, a homemaker and food blogger based in Austin, TX said to us, “My husband and I haven’t had the best marriage since the start. But he has always been kind to me. He’d compliment my hair, my dress when we were going out and all that I do to raise the kids. He used to always show me a lot of appreciation but lately, our relationship feels more transactional than ever. I can barely even get a ‘You look good today’ out of him anymore.”
When a man adores you, he finds ways to verbally express it. But if he barely ever does that anymore, it’s possible that he is losing interest in you and perhaps there is some boredom in the relationship too. If you’re lucky then maybe he says ‘Nice dress hon’ to you once in a while but you both know that he has barely even looked it.
13. He listens but doesn’t really respond
Maybe your mom got into a fight with her sister and you’re trying to tell your husband about how harrowing it is for you and how you’re stuck in the middle and don’t know what to do. If your marriage is falling apart, don’t expect more than a nonchalant nod from him as he listens to you.
One of the signs your partner isn’t attracted to you is when they’ve lost all interest in anything that you have to say to them. They either zone out, give you a response that isn’t fitting at all or worst case, walk away from the conversation.
14. You see him flirting with others but not with you
Healthy flirting with your brother’s girlfriend at Christmas or being charming and complimenting an old friend that you ran into at a party might be okay if it’s something he’s always done and always been like. Harmlessly flirting a little isn’t necessarily a reason to press the alarm button in your relationship.
But if he barely flirts with you anymore, but continues to do it with others socially, well then things aren’t going right in your marriage. Maybe you ran into Stacey and the first thing he says to her is, “You’re looking good, looks like you’ve been working out!” after giving her a peck on the cheek. And that only makes you think that you can’t even remember the last time he gave you a kiss or even told you that you were looking nice.
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15. He stops planning the future with you
Your ‘my husband is not attracted to me anymore’ hunch might have a reason if this is true in your relationship. Maybe earlier he was all about planning family dinners, vacations or even buying another dog or having a baby!
But if all that is now lost and he is barely even interested in going to a weekend retreat with you, it’s definitely one of the signs your husband doesn’t find you attractive. It’s possible that he is also losing interest in the marriage and wants something else out of his life.
16. You barely text or call throughout the day
Jessica Walworth, a nail technician who lives with her husband in Wisconsin said to us, “I don’t think my husband ever knows where I’m at or what I’m doing throughout the day. He doesn’t even call me to ask what time I’ll be home or when I’m going to pick up the kids. At first I used to think it’s just his demanding job, but now I just know it’s because my husband isn’t attracted to me anymore.”
Checking in on each other regularly is the bare minimum of any relationship or marriage. If even that is lost from your marriage, well then it’s possible that your marriage is on the rocks.
17. He hardly gets jealous anymore
Don’t we all love it when a jealous husband deliberately puts his arm around you when another guy is hitting on you? Or when he gets worked up about that guy from work who keeps texting you under the pretext of that project you two had to work on?
It’s nice when your partner feels a little jealous, because it makes you feel wanted and desired in the relationship. So a small amount of jealousy is actually crucial to keep the romance meter up! But if that is gone from your relationship, the romance meter only drops and it is possible that your husband is losing interest in you.
Related Reading: Can Healthy Jealousy Help You Build Stronger Relationships?
What To Do When Your Husband Isn’t Attracted To You?
Now that we’ve covered the signs your husband doesn’t find you attractive, the next step is to wipe those tears off your face and put your game face on to save this relationship. If you make a huge fuss and let this be a blow to your self-esteem, it will only further sabotage your relationship.
Instead, you need to stay strong and figure out how exactly to address the problem, rekindle your love life and show your husband that he cannot live without you. Just because he’s steered off course a little bit, doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you at all. If you believe this relationship is still salvageable, then the following tips are for you.
1. Bring a whole new energy to your married life
And we’re talking doing everything from buying a new sex toy to booking tickets to Miami to trying out a new recipe of his favorite rigatoni. If he’s not putting the work and effort into your relationship, maybe you should try to do it instead.
It’s hard to feel discarded like that in your marriage and still put yourself out there, but you have to at least try. It’s possible that if he sees you making so many efforts, he will be inclined to at least appreciate it if not reciprocate it. And that itself, can be a good start.
2. Simply talk to him
Stop saying, “My husband is not attracted to me anymore” to your friends over Cosmos and go and say it out loud to him. Addressing the elephant in the room is a big step, but a necessary one if things are THAT rough in your marriage. Maybe in bed before you go to sleep one night, bring it up with him.
Tell him how you’re not feeling wanted or loved and if there’s anything you can do to change that. If he truly loves you, he’ll try to listen and understand where you’re coming from. You might even just feel that he’s been feeling the same way all this time and was just too embarrassed to bring it up with you.
3. Start taking more care of yourself
If the above two tips do not work, well then maybe stop asking him to love you and start loving yourself. Whether he’s going through a rough patch personally or is just bored in the relationship, maybe it’s best to not force it out of him.
Instead, dress up, indulge in new hobbies, make your own favorite foods, go to that Yoga class you’ve been putting off or take that girls trip your friends have been asking you to go on. Maybe if you loosen the reins, he will notice you more as you work on yourself and come crawling back sooner or later.
4. Stop blaming him or yourself
The more you go ‘It’s your fault’ every time you bring something up, the more you might push him away. The two of you are in this together and it is both of your responsibility to keep this marriage on track. If he is lacking somewhere, you should try to make up for it instead of giving him reasons to feel angry.
As devastating as this whole situation is, you have to be as strong as you can possibly be. It’s not you against him. It is you and him against the relationship problems at hand.
5. If all else fails, give couples therapy a shot
Couples’ therapy is a great way to reclaim that attraction, build your marriage up again and set those important priorities in a relationship to make sure it doesn’t fall apart over and over. With a licensed therapist who might just be able to spot your problems better than you can, there is no harm in taking the help of an expert.
If your husband agrees, then this is something that you both should do. Not only will your therapist recommend healthy couples’ exercises to find that love again, but it will also be a good outlet for you as a couple to explore what really went wrong. Lucky for you, Bonobology’s skilled panel of therapists are only a click away!
With that, it’s finally time to wrap up this list of signs that your husband doesn’t find you attractive anymore. We know it might have been excruciating to read this, it couldn’t have been easy for anyone. But you’re better than that now. You know what to do next to save your marriage and with these tips, you just might!
A loss of attraction in a relationship is actually more normal than you think. It can happen over time as the relationship starts feeling monotonous, responsibilities creep in and that initial rush is just lost. Moreover, it is possible that your partner is just changing as a person and now is looking for something different in their life.
A marriage can survive without that intense attraction of feeling deeply in love, every single day. But a minimum feeling of wanting the other person, cherishing them and valuing them is essential to keeping any relationship afloat.
Dress in a way that he likes, buy new lingerie, put more effort into how you look and your skincare…these are some ways to make him feel physically attracted to you. Other things can be trying new things in bed, playing sex games or doing other activities to increase physical intimacy, such as taking exercise classes or tango lessons together.