15 Worrying Signs Your Husband Doesn’t Find You Attractive And 5 Ways To Handle It

Who knew that after the most picture-perfect wedding day, seven long years of a happy marriage, one brilliant child, and four international vacations later, you’d be here trying to understand the signs your husband doesn’t find you attractive?

Your sex life having gone for a complete toss, feeling distant from one another, not having too much to talk about, these are all understandable and almost inevitable consequences of being married to somebody for a long time. With a romantic partner, not every day is picture perfect like they show you in the movies. So, even if you are convinced of the signs your partner isn’t attracted to you, don’t think of it as the end of the road. Couple’s therapy exists for a reason!

A commitment for a lifetime cannot be based purely on love or physical attraction. While that might seem enough in the initial months or even years of a marriage, a good partnership takes far more work than that. And perhaps that’s where you and your husband are lagging behind. To confirm that, let’s look at a few signs your husband doesn’t find you attractive and what to do about the same, so you can get that fire burning in your relationship again.

15 Signs Your Husband Doesn’t Find You Attractive Anymore 

Does he rarely glance up from his phone to look at you when you put on that sexy night robe, hoping to catch his attention? Or does he often spend Friday nights away with the boys, leaving you and the kids at home? If this seems like a daily routine in your marriage, then your ‘my husband isn’t attracted to me anymore’ concern might just be valid. It’s possible that his love is not real anymore, and you are feeling neglected because of it.

Don’t worry, though. We’re here for you. Let’s go over your marriage to understand what may be going wrong. Are you both putting in less effort into your relationship? Or is an external stressor such as work or a family member severely affecting your love life?

Either way, here are 15 worrying signs your husband is not attracted to you anymore and why it might be happening.

1. He rarely initiates sex anymore 

You’ve been in a completely sexless marriage for the longest time now, perhaps because he has trouble performing or he simply does not make the effort anymore. While that can be really disheartening, it points to something going very wrong not just in your sex life, but also in your marriage. Notice the following:

• You used to have sex more frequently: Remember when in the first year of your marriage, you were doing it everywhere from the kitchen counter to the shower to the balcony? Now think about how long ago that seems to be. Probably feels like a lifetime ago 
• He’s clearly losing interest: And even when you do initiate sex every once in a while, after you’ve put the kid to sleep, done the dishes, and managed to squeeze in a quick shower, he’s either too tired or just not into it anymore

2. Your conversations are duller than ever 

Earlier, he always had so much to tell you, whether it was about the Mike vs. Patricia feud at his workplace or the song he heard on the radio that reminded him of you. You’d spend an hour after dinner, still sitting at the table discussing your day, work, life, and family. But those beautiful days are long gone, and there is no more conscious effort from both of your sides to talk to the other person.

These days, you’re lucky if he glances up at you while he’s eating spaghetti with you. The dinner table has gone quiet save the sound of the cutlery, you two head to the kitchen and wordlessly wash the dishes as soon as you’re done, and after that, he prefers to sit on the couch and watch TV instead of asking you how your day went. 

Related Reading: 26 Things To Text When A Conversation Dies

3. He doesn’t make any romantic gestures for you anymore 

This points to a sense of emotional distance between the two of you. No, him handing you his credit card because you wanted to check out the new Nordstrom’s collection doesn’t count for a romantic gesture at all. It’s nice of him, but it won’t be topping any Grand Romantic Gestures list. Did he do the following things before?

• Acts of service: Remember when he’d make a mean omelet for you and bring it to you in bed on Sundays? 
• Surprising you: Or when he’d light an outdoor fire to surprise you just because you mentioned wanting s’mores the other day. Well, now, he can’t even remember what you like to eat for breakfast, let alone whip something up for you

4. If the affection is lost completely, your husband doesn’t find you attractive anymore

He’ll smile at you, but he won’t give you a kiss on the forehead. He’ll hold your hand but he will not put his arm around your waist. He’ll kiss you good night in bed but never cuddle you to sleep anymore. These are only some of the ways people show affection in a relationship and a marriage. If you feel that his touch or even his gaze is just not the same anymore, it’s one of the signs your husband doesn’t find you attractive anymore.

5. He’s always on his phone around you 

Not only is that a reason to think “My husband is not attracted to me anymore,” but it could also be one of the signs your husband is cheating on you. We don’t mean to get you too worked up but it’s definitely not something that you should completely ignore or let go, as it is one of the glaring signs your husband is not attracted to you anymore. This is how he acts now:

• He’s bored around you: The problem doesn’t always have to be another woman. It could just as easily be that you don’t enjoy each other’s company anymore
• He’s distracted by other things: He doesn’t really care to make conversation, take part in your life, and is often just too distracted by other things. Maybe he is overworked and constantly on edge because of it

6. His new skills seem to keep him occupied in his free time

Some of the hints your husband doesn’t find you attractive could actually be signs he’s just busy, going through something rough at a personal level, or that he might even be going through depression. It’s possible that his aloofness doesn’t have much to do with you at all. 

But if you notice that his life apart from you is flourishing and he truly seems happy in his Instagram stories when he’s playing golf with the boys, well, then that’s not the case. It’s almost as if your husband finds yoga these days a far better use of his time than spending quality time with you. In such cases, perhaps you should be convinced that the problem is actually in your relationship and has nothing to do with him or his low self-esteem.

7. He cancels on double dates 

Earlier, he used to get all hyped up about going to trivia night at the Main Street bar with you and your favorite couple friends. Not only was he a riot and extremely good at the game, but it was also a great bonding time for the two of you as a couple. And it’s activities like these that brought you together and made you feel more attracted to one another.

Suddenly, double dates are not only being sidelined, but also canceled. He rarely ever brings it up, actively avoids the other couple’s calls, and just prefers to lay in bed and watch the game instead. Yes, even neglecting group activities like these is one of the signs that your husband is not attracted to you anymore.

Related Reading: How Spending Time With Friends Helps Improve Your Relationship

8. A sign he’s not attracted to you: Spending quality time is a thing of the past

If quality time has always been his love language but lately, he can’t even bother to take you out for dinner and a drive, then your marriage might be in some serious trouble. It’s possible that you two feel disconnected from each other, which is why it feels awkward to make time for each other like you used to.

Sylvia, a dentist based in Philly, told us, “One of the signs my husband is not attracted to me that I noticed right away is when he stopped engaging with me completely. We used to love playing mini golf together and then suddenly, he always had an excuse to cancel or not go. We stopped cooking together, watching TV together, and even sunbathing in the backyard – Something we used to love doing together in the summers. I miss that quality time with him.”

9. The house echoes with silence 

Mornings, evenings, afternoons, late nights – It doesn’t matter how many lights are on or who is up or what’s cooking in the kitchen. The only thing that stays consistent is the deafening silence in the house. No more “Honey, I’m home!” or “Are the kids asleep yet?” or even a “What’s for dinner?” escapes his lips at this point.  

• He shuts you down: And even if you two do make conversation, he finds it very easy to snap at you for no good reason. Sometimes, he even asks you to shut up when you try to say something to him
• He doesn’t look at you anymore: Glancing at you while you two watch TV, looking over at you to see if you need anything while you’re working late at night, or coming over to help you deal with academic pressure, are all things of the past. At this point, he could not care less about what you are doing or where you are
• You two haven’t confided in each other in a while: There is no room for an honest conversation between the two of you or clear communication about what is going wrong. Instead, he expresses his frustration by never saying a kind word to you anymore
• He’s being rude: An “I bought a new dress today” is often met with a smirk and a baseless “All you ever do is shop” comment from him. Instead of being receptive and encouraging, he keeps finding reasons to pull you down or say hurtful things

10. He doesn’t even care to fight over things anymore 

Having problems and arguments is only natural, and not really a terrible thing for the well-being of your relationship. If you two fight sometimes, it means that you’re both feeling hurt, misunderstood, unheard, and are trying to make amends for the same. They may seem like derogatory comments on the surface, but it is a persistent effort into expressing one’s needs and improving the relationship.

Thus, one of the hints that your husband doesn’t find you attractive anymore is when he stops fighting with you. It’s like he’s given up on you and the relationship so much that he barely cares to even try. So even when you do upset him, he just ignores it and does his own thing instead of expressing his feelings to you and trying to make things right. 

11. When he is no longer attracted to you, he won’t compliment you

Bianca, a homemaker and food blogger based in Austin, said to us, “My husband and I haven’t had the best marriage since the start. But he has always been kind to me. He’d compliment my hair and my dress when we were going out, and all that I do to raise the kids. He used to always show me a lot of appreciation but lately, our relationship feels more transactional than ever. I can barely even get a ‘You look good today’ out of him anymore.”

When a man adores you, he finds ways to verbally express it and will especially give you physical compliments about your looks when he feels attracted to you. But if he barely does that anymore, it’s possible that he is losing interest in you and perhaps there is some boredom in the relationship too. Maybe he says “Nice dress, hon” to you once in a while but you both know that he has barely even looked at it.

Related Reading: 9 Signs You Are Comfortable In A Relationship But Not In Love

12. He listens but doesn’t really respond 

Maybe your mom got into a fight with her sister and you’re trying to tell your husband about how harrowing it is for you, and how you’re stuck in the middle and don’t know what to do. If your marriage is falling apart, don’t expect more than a nonchalant nod from him as he listens to you. 

One of the signs your partner isn’t attracted to you is when they’ve lost all interest in anything that you have to say to them. They either zone out, give you a response that isn’t fitting at all or, in the worst case, walk away from the conversation. 

13. You see him flirting with other women

Healthy flirting with your brother’s girlfriend at Christmas or being charming and complimenting an old friend that you ran into at a party might be okay if it’s something he’s always done. Harmlessly flirting a little isn’t necessarily a reason to press the alarm button in your relationship. 

But if he barely flirts with you anymore, but continues to do it with others socially, then things aren’t going right in your marriage. It’s also a clear sign of disrespect. Maybe you ran into your coworker, Stacey, and the first thing he says to her is “You’re looking good, looks like you’ve been working out!” after giving her a peck on the cheek, making you feel uncomfortable in that moment.

14. He has stopped planning the future with you 

Your “my husband is not attracted to me anymore” gut feeling might have a reason. Maybe earlier he was all about planning family dinners, vacations, adopting another dog, or having a baby! But now, less sex is not the only problem. It’s like he does not even idealize a future with you anymore. Here are some things he’s stopped doing:

• No short-term plans: If he is barely interested in going on a weekend retreat with you, it’s definitely one of the signs your husband doesn’t find you attractive now. Earlier, he used to be all about traveling on the weekends, and now he barely asks you to dinner
• No long-term plans: It’s possible that he is also losing interest in the concept of marriage itself and doesn’t want any of this in his life anymore. When was the last time he talked about having a baby or getting an apartment?

15. He’s no longer attracted to you if he hardly gets jealous anymore 

One way to really feel unwanted is noticing your husband being completely unbothered when another man shows interest in you. Don’t we all love it when a husband is jealous and deliberately puts his arm around you when another guy is hitting on you? Or when he gets slightly worked up about that guy from work who keeps texting you under the pretext of the project you’re working on? 

It’s nice when your partner feels a little jealous, because it makes you feel desired in the relationship. A small amount of jealousy is actually crucial to keep the romance meter up! But if that is gone from your relationship, the romance meter only drops and it is possible that your husband is losing interest in you.

Related Reading: Can Healthy Jealousy Help You Build Stronger Relationships?

How To Rekindle The Spark?

Now that we’ve covered all the signs he doesn’t find you attractive, the next step is to wipe those tears off your face and put your game face on to save this relationship. If you make a huge fuss and let this be a blow to your self-esteem, it will only further sabotage your relationship. 

Instead, you need to stay strong and figure out how exactly to address the problem, rekindle the spark in your love life, and show your husband that he cannot live without you. Just because he’s steered off course a little bit, doesn’t necessarily mean that he doesn’t love you at all. With a little effort, you can improve your sex life again and start spending time with your husband to make him realize why he married you in the first place. If you believe this relationship is still salvageable, then the following tips are for you. 

1. Participate in your marriage actively

And we’re talking about doing everything, from buying a new sex toy to booking tickets to Miami to trying out a new recipe of his favorite rigatoni. If he’s not putting the work and effort into your relationship, maybe you should try to do it instead. 

It’s hard to feel discarded like that in your marriage and still put yourself out there, but you have to at least try. It’s possible that if he sees you making so many efforts, he will be inclined to at least appreciate it if not reciprocate it. And that itself can be a good start. 

2. Simply talk to him 

Stop saying “My husband is not attracted to me anymore” to an old, trusted friend over Cosmopolitans. Go and say it out loud to him instead. Addressing the elephant in the room is a big step, but a necessary one if things are THAT rough in your marriage. Maybe before you go to sleep one night, bring it up with him.

• Be vulnerable: Tell him how you’re not feeling wanted or loved and if there’s anything you can do to change that
• Talk about how the sex is not good anymore: Convey your sexual needs clearly, and what about his behavior is making you feel as if he is no longer dependable as a partner. If he truly loves you, he’ll try to listen and understand where you’re coming from

3. Start taking more care of yourself to rekindle the love

If the above two tips do not work, then maybe stop asking him to love you, and start loving yourself. Whether he’s going through a rough patch personally or is just bored in the relationship, it’s best to not force the reason out of him as that can just create more tension.

Instead, dress up, indulge in new hobbies, make your own favorite foods, go to that yoga class you’ve been putting off, or take that girls’ trip your friends have been asking you to go on. Maybe if you loosen the reins, he will notice you more as you work on yourself and come crawling back sooner or later. 

Related Reading: Relationships And Lessons: 4 Things You Can Learn About Yourself From Past Relationships

4. Stop blaming him or yourself 

The more you go “It’s your fault” every time you bring something up, the more you will push him away. The two of you are in this together and it is both of your responsibility to keep this marriage on track. If he is lacking somewhere, you should try to make up for it to a reasonable degree. 

• Don’t be hard on yourself: Stop finding things that are ‘wrong’ with you to justify him having lost attraction for you. If your man is not sexually attracted to you, don’t assume that it is because of the weight that you have recently put on, or because you think that you are not in good in bed. This will only worsen the relationship problems you are trying to tackle
• Don’t make it his problem alone: Clearly, something has gone wrong here for which the two of you should be responsible. Don’t storm into the room, yelling at him that he is the reason your marriage is on the rocks. Instead, make the effort to fully understand the problem

5. If all else fails, give couple’s therapy a shot 

Couple’s therapy is a great way to reclaim that attraction, build your marriage up again, and set those important priorities in a relationship to make sure it doesn’t fall apart over and over. There is no harm in taking the help of an expert; a licensed therapist might just be able to spot your problems better than you can. 

Make sure that your husband agrees to this wholeheartedly and don’t book a session without telling him. Lucky for you, Bonobology’s skilled panel of therapists is only a click away!

With that, it’s finally time to wrap up this list of signs that your husband doesn’t find you attractive anymore. We know it might have been excruciating to read this, it couldn’t have been easy for anyone. But now you know what to do next to save your marriage and with these tips, you just might!

This article was updated in August 2023.

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