The cute nicknames have all been forgotten, you two never hold hands in public anymore, and you can forget all about those impromptu dinner plans. You need a 12-hour notice now to spend time together. You both sort of know it, but don’t really accept the fact that the spark has faded in your paradise. When it all finally gets too much, you realize the relationship could use some work. The panic button is pressed in order to try and find ways to fall in love like you once were.
Regardless of what your situation may be, we’re sure these 21 ways to fall back in love will help reignite the lost flame you yearn for. With the help of psychologist Priyanka Ahir (MA in clinical psychology), let’s take a look at what you can do to get things back to the way they once were.
Why Do Couples Fall Out Of Love?
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For some, it might just be a rough patch because of not being able to spend time with one another. Perhaps two tickets to an exotic destination or trying something new in bed can fix it. But for some others, the wounds have perhaps gotten deeper. There might be resentment, anger, and frustration brewing in the relationship which is why you two have drifted apart. To understand how and why couples fall out of love, here are a few real reasons:
- Feeling neglected: The spark doesn’t just fly away from your relationship. It is lost when two people stop putting in the effort to sustain it. If one feels neglected by their partner, they are bound to try to find happiness in other things and lose interest in their relationship
- Sexual dissatisfaction: Not having a good time in bed can directly affect the health of your overall relationship. There is even a study that revealed that after about four really bad sexual encounters, there is a high risk of a breakup
- Lack of trust: Have there been too many instances of lying or infidelity in your relationship that have recently surfaced? A lack of trust from those incidents can lead two people to start falling out of love and lose the emotional connection
- Boredom: Most couples even call it quits because they just don’t find their partners interesting anymore. Perhaps the excitement they used to feel when they first interacted has just fizzled out
- Incompatibilities: Some personality incompatibilities only surface when it is too late. In the early days, one simply puts on rose-tinted glasses and falls in love. But over time, as people reveal themselves — one may stop loving what they see in the other person
- Different goals: Even in a long-term relationship, people’s individual goals can change over time. One may want to move to a different country while the other feels ready to settle down and have children
- They want to work on their own interests: Sometimes when one feels that their own personality has taken a backseat for the relationship, they may fall out of love so they can start working on themselves again
- Signs of emotional cheating: One of the biggest dents in a relationship can be cheating, especially emotional cheating. Knowing that one partner prefers someone else can break a relationship, and it has grown quite common. The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy reported that 45% of men and 35% of women have engaged in emotional cheating at some point
Is It Possible To Fall Back In Love With Someone?
Love can be as dynamic as human beings themselves. So even if you fall out of love with someone, it is not impossible for you to get your love life back with them. By spending time with them, working on the relationship, understanding each other’s emotional needs — you can try to make sure that not all is lost. But know that it is going to take a great deal of concerted effort, and the butterflies you both used to have in your stomach won’t rush back to you overnight.
While it is not too common, it does happen that couples fall out of love, only to rush back to each other and realize how much they truly value one another. If you still value and respect the other person at your core, then there is no surprise that you might fall for them again. A poll of more than 22,000 people has revealed that one in five (21%) people say they’ve broken up with someone and got back together with them later on.
Related Reading: 13 Signs Your Wife Has Checked Out Of The Marriage
If you’re inching toward going back to your partner or think it is worth giving them a shot again, let’s make a list of the things you need to do to speed up the process.
How To Fall Back In Love — 21 Ways To Reignite The Spark
“For two people to fall in love with one another again, the most important thing is to be able to fully trust a partner again and genuinely be interested in them. Trust begets respect, and for every relationship to thrive, the presence of these fundamentals is vital,” says Priyanka. And we have to agree. There is a lot of fundamental work that needs to be done here, and we are here to guide you through it. If you’re firing blanks while trying to figure out how to fall in love again with your wife or your husband, we listed out a few things that will get the ball rolling.
1. Keep your expectations sensible
You’re not going to be itching to hear your partner’s voice like you used to when you two started dating. It’s important for you to keep realistic expectations while trying to fall back in love with your partner. The type of love you feel changes over time, and it won’t be fair on either of you to expect the infatuation you had at the start to come flying back.
“Having a discussion about what each partner expects from the other and also what they were previously expecting from each other will do you both good. Put your experience to use and have an honest conversation about what you think your partner should be able to deliver,” says Priyanka.
2. Start as soon as you realize there’s something wrong
Don’t wait for the matchstick to set the whole house on fire. Go ahead and nip it in the bud. When you realize things are going stale and your relationship could use some work, you need to promptly get to it and put aside the other things for a bit. It’s easy to see how you’ll be hesitant to fall back in love with someone who hurt you, but if you’ve decided giving it another chance is what you want, you shouldn’t let it linger on in uncertainty.
3. What does “falling back in love” mean to you and your partner?
Before you even set out on your journey to fall in love again with your husband/wife, ask yourself and them what exactly it means to you. When trying to fall back in love with someone who hurt you, make sure it’s not simply because you feel lonely without them or miss them. Ask yourself if you have forgiven them and are willing to give them another chance.
Moreover, things have changed recently. So ask yourself these questions. Do you both have different ideas of love? Do either of you expect things to go back to the way they were? Or do you now wish to pursue a different type of love? Before you work for it, make sure you both know what you want. Who knows, maybe the answer to all your problems is separate bathrooms?
4. Be curious about your partner to feel closer to them
If your partner picks up a new skill or hobby, show your interest in the activity (even if you’re certain they’ll grow out of it in two weeks). Ask your partner to teach you something, or just ask thoughtful questions that will make them feel needed. It’s easy to take things your partner does for granted, but make sure you don’t let them feel like that’s the case.
“When you’re curious about your partner and genuinely want to get to know them, it will give you a better idea of the way they think, the way they view the world, their likes and dislikes, and their perspective about others. The more you’re willing to notice whom you’re really married to, the better you’ll be able to communicate with them,” says Priyanka.
Related Reading: Lack Of Affection And Intimacy In A Relationship — 9 Ways It Affects You
5. Ask how your partner is doing
Of all the things, this is the simplest one. And perhaps even the most important. No, we don’t mean what they’re doing, ask them ‘how’ they are. Ask them difficult questions like if they think you’re the best person for them at this time, or if they’re doing okay, or if something is bothering them about the way your relationship is right now. It’s important to check in on your partner, more often than you think. Forming a judgment-free channel of communication is vital.
6. Make sure you touch your partner to rekindle the romance
A simple hug they weren’t expecting, a loving massage, or a peck on the cheek will be a cute little way of showing your partner you care. These little things are not so little. Sadly, couples forget all about kissing passionately even if they are spending time together. It may be time to bring that back to amp up your relationship building process.
Physical touch is one of the best ways of showing affection toward your partner. And yes, scratching that unreachable spot on your partner’s back counts as showing affection.
7. To get love back in a relationship, think about what went wrong
If you find yourself at a stage where you need to fall in love with them again, ask yourself what could have possibly gone wrong. Looking inward will help you figure out why you reached this undesirable stage in your relationship and how to avoid it. Whether you’re trying to figure out how to fall in love again with your boyfriend or girlfriend, an honest conversation about what went wrong must take place. Grab those tissues for this one, you might just need them.
8. Express your loving feelings to them
If you’ve asked yourself “How do I fall back in love with my wife?” it’s as simple as telling yourself why you fell in love in the first place. People fall out of love for many reasons. But it’s important that you focus on the opposite of that, and remember why you first fell for her. Falling back in love with your partner could be as simple as telling your partner you love them and the qualities you love about them. The way they make you feel, the way they are proactive about the household chores, the way they look after themselves and you, the way they carry grace during conflicts, they way they are loyal, etc.
Related Reading: 7 Ways To Get The Romance Back After Having A Baby
9. Get to know yourself and spend some time alone
When looking to reconnect and fall in love again, you need to spend some time apart as well, and figure yourself out as your own person. Not only will the time away help make you miss your partner, but you’ll also get to know yourself better and maybe even find something new you like.
Moreover, when you’re trying to fall back in love with someone who hurt you, it’s vital to take some time away and think about what you truly want from life or this relationship. Can you commit to this relationship? Can you rebuild the trust?
10. Work on your sex life
This probably doesn’t come as a surprise and you might have even tried it already as good sex is the cornerstone of every healthy relationship. Forget your regular positions, try to make your partner orgasm without adopting the go-to strategies (no matter how long it takes). Try new sexual positions and if foreplay has died an unfortunate death in your relationship, make sure you revive it!
11. Resolve any withstanding issues you may have
Once life gets more stressful and work starts piling up, you tend to put fights on hold just to be able to function. Even if your partner has done you wrong, falling back in love after being hurt will be easier once you’ve cleared the air.
“If you’re going to get love back in a relationship and you know there are substantial issues in your dynamic or your personal mental health, couple’s counseling can come to your aid. An unbiased and professional opinion will help you see what you’ve gone through, and you’ll also be able to tell what you can get from this relationship,” says Priyanka.
If you’d like some professional guidance to help you figure out how to fall again in love with your wife or with your husband, Bonobology has a panel of experienced counselors who’d love to help you through this obstacle.
12. Be honest about what you feel to make your way back to each other
While you’re trying to establish judgment-free channels of communication, you need to make sure it flows both ways. Tell your partner if anything is bothering you or if there’s something your partner should know.
Your own insecurities that may be wreaking havoc on your love life, or concerns about the future that you have been feeling too nervous to address — If you really want to fall back in love with someone who hurt you in the past, it’s time to let out all your dirty linen. Be as vulnerable as you can be to see if this relationship stands a chance.
13. Learn how your partner communicates love by observing them
Take time out from your day to just observe the things your partner does. When you know they’re in a good mood, notice how they do things differently and/or talk differently. Their love language may be as subtle as coyly calling you “stupid.”
“Just by being accepting, you will be able to tell how your partner communicates love. When you’re truly open to the kind of person your partner is, their ideas, and their opinions, you’ll get to learn a lot more about them and their love languages,” says Priyanka.
14. Go thrill-seeking and try new things
No, we don’t mean going to buy new furniture, you oldie. We mean actual thrills, like bungee jumping and skydiving. When people feel some kind of an adrenaline rush, their bodies releases oxytocin which is called the love hormone, and dopamine which is called the feel-good hormone.
So, if you’re trying to fall in love again with your boyfriend, help him get over his fear of heights by jumping off a helicopter. When you have new experiences with your partner like this, it’ll likely strengthen your bond.
15. Learn patience and stop comparing
When it comes to wanting to fall in love with someone who loves you, being patient in a relationship might be all you need. You’ll find yourself falling in love with the same person all over again. Over time in a marriage, you may start to find things about your partner that annoy you. From the way they put off household chores to the way they sometimes drink too much at parties.
It’s important to realize that as you’ve both grown, and you’ve also studied each other very well. Maybe a little too well. Don’t compare your partner with anyone else and try to love them for who they are, despite how annoying it may be sometimes.
16. Go out with their work friends to fall back in love with your partner
Little did you know your partner is the belle of the ball! When you see your partner through a lens different from your gaze as a spouse, you’ll unravel different personas they have and you’ll appreciate them more. Who knew your partner brags so much about you to their friends?
17. Employ a sleep divorce if need be
Are you trying to fall in love again with your boyfriend who snores like there’s no tomorrow? Or maybe you’re trying to fall back in love with your girlfriend who always hogs up all the blankets. Of all the ways to fix your relationship, a sleep divorce might just be your best friend.
“You’re on my side of the bed!” kind of arguments are extremely unnecessary. Sleeping on the same bed as your partner sometimes means you might not feel comfortable through the night. Try to sleep on different beds every once in a while, you don’t have to stay together each night. It has a surprising number of benefits and maybe it’s just what your relationship needs to keep things fresh.
Related Reading: How To Win Your Ex Back – And Make Them Stay FOREVER
18. Spend quality time in a special way
Maybe it’s the anniversary of your first kiss, or when you first realized you’re in love. The reason doesn’t matter as much as the thought behind it does. So go ahead, pick a day and turn it into something special.
Go all in with it, take them out for a fancy dinner, or surprise your partner with something they’ve wanted for a while (don’t get them something to use around the house!). The spontaneity and physical affection will make your partner feel valued and is a great way to tell your partner you care.
19. There’s nothing sexier than getting the chores done
Once you two start living together, just getting the chores done feels like a herculean task. Give your partner the day off, tell them you’ll do all that needs to be done around the house. It’s the little things like these that add up and make a more wholesome and fulfilling relationship. And of course, it makes life easier.
When you perform kind acts without expecting anything in return, you know you’re going in the right direction. It sounds dull, but hey, you’re also not 18 anymore.
20. Get back to the things you two used to do
How long does it take to fall in love with someone again? As long as it takes for you to realize how much you missed them in your life. Responsibilities gets in the way and years pass when you suddenly realize how long it’s been since you last went out and did that thing you both like to do together. Be it cooking a fancy meal together, discovering new spots in your city, or even just going on a hike.
21. Scheduling date nights is the best way of making time for each other
And not just date nights, we’d go as far as scheduling physical intimacy as well. Scheduling date nights not only means having a few nights for just the two of you, but it’s also a build-up to something to look forward to. Our experts claim that scheduling something that is ‘supposed’ to be spontaneous, like sex, can do miracles for your relationship. So, go ahead and squeeze in a quickie post-work, pre-dinner.
Key Pointers
- How to love someone again? Remind yourself how and when you fell in love with them in the first place
- Take time to understand why your relationship broke earlier, and what needs to be done differently now
- Appreciate them, touch them, hold their hands and tell them how much you love them. Express love in whichever ways you can
Getting the love back in a relationship can be as simple as kissing your partner like you mean it, or as grand as going all in on a spontaneous day out. These little things are the key to complete togetherness. Just because you two talk to each other in the bathroom while one’s using the toilet and the other’s showering doesn’t mean that love isn’t in the air. (Maybe use an air freshener first, though).
This article was updated in July 2023.
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