Not all husbands are the kind who would bring bouquets home, shower you with kisses while going to work, or nudge you aside when you are doing the dishes at the sink and take over the chores. Nope, not everyone gets that lucky. “My husband is not affectionate or romantic” is a refrain of many wistful wives whose spouses don’t attach importance to thoughtful gestures to make them feel loved and valued.
Maybe back in the honeymoon phase of your relationship, things were very different. He’d surprise you with flowers every now and then, order you a cheesecake while he let you complain about your day at work, or let you sleep in during the morning chaos to get the kids ready because he knows you need the rest. However, after a certain point — these gestures usually stop altogether.
And over time, the complaints often escalate to “My husband does nothing special for me” or “My husband is not thoughtful and doesn’t love me”. It’s true that not all husbands are romantic or thoughtful, or possibly become lesser that way as time passes. It’s either not part of their character or that your relationship is just progressing as every relationship usually does. Some men try to be a wee bit romantic when they are dating or are courting but when the wedding bells chime, they go back to being their non-expressive, nonchalant selves. But we want to tell you that it’s natural, do not worry about it too much.
Putting up with a husband who is not affectionate can surely be distressing, no doubt about that. A husband not affectionate to you can even make you question whether you’re enough for him or not. You may worry about not being desirable to your spouse anymore. That coupled with a sense of emotional unfulfillment can bring up concerns about the future of your marriage. However, it’s not an insurmountable challenge in a relationship and it is indeed something that can be carefully dealt with. We’re here to help you figure out how to live with an unaffectionate husband without it taking a toll on you, or your marriage.
Why Do Husbands Stop Being Romantic?
An unromantic husband does not mean an uncaring, unappreciative, or hard-hearted person. Signs of an unromantic husband must not be confused with your spouse having emotionally checked out from the marriage. It simply means that the husband is not expressive enough about his feelings. Men are certainly not that good at expressing themselves and communicating their feelings in most cases. So before you exclaim ‘my husband isn’t affectionate!’, know that this is not a reflection of his love for you.
If he was a little romantic before the marriage, he was doing that with a lot of effort just to impress you. Post marriage, most men become unromantic because it puts them back into their comfort zones. They feel that now you are already married and you’re his partner for life, there is no need to try to do something that does not come naturally to him. In fact, he might just start taking you for granted.
This is precisely the reason most men stop being romantic after marriage and most women rue, “My husband is not as affectionate as he used to be.” These could leave the wives confused and they often construe it as the husband’s lack of interest in the marriage, lack of love, and desire.
What do you do when your husband shows no affection? Reminding yourself that him being unromantic is not necessarily a reflection of the state of your marriage. In all likelihood, he is simply just being himself, and as annoying as that is, it is the reality. That alone can allay a lot of doubts. Then, you can begin to learn how to live with an unaffectionate husband.
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12 Things To Do When Husband Is Not Affectionate Or Romantic
“My husband is not romantic, what should I do?”, is the question that has brought you here today and we are definitely happy to answer it for you. But know that how to make husband romantic is not something that is going to happen overnight or suddenly make him go from not saying ‘goodnight’ to you before sleeping to now bringing you a little bedtime ice cream before you two crash. You are going to have to do the work here.
Women most often keep pestering, whining, and complaining about their husbands when they are not affectionate or romantic. But have you ever stopped to think that his love language could be totally different from yours, and he may be expressing his love and affection in his own way but all you end up seeing are the signs of an unromantic husband?
So, the next time you’re bogged down by the distressing “my husband does nothing special for me” thought, try to focus on the special things you can do for your husband. Perhaps, you could take the initiative to make sure he is in a better mind space if your husband is not affectionate or romantic. We list 12 things you can do to deal with an unromantic husband:
1. Accept your husband as he is
What do you do when your husband shows no affection? Focus on finding total acceptance for who your spouse is as an individual. As we said earlier, some people are simply not romantic but that does not mean they are not good at heart or that they do not care for you. If you can accept this reality, then the thought that “my husband is not thoughtful or affectionate” won’t bother you anymore.
Your husband might have other good qualities that make it worth being with him. Perhaps, he is the most patient man you’ve ever met or he is a peace-loving person, he could be a good conversationalist or your husband could be into books. Accept him the way he is and you will be able to love him more easily.
2. Appreciate your husband for who he is
How to deal with unromantic husband is not about getting him to change his ways, rather it is about seeing the good in him instead. He might not be the kind who is showering you with gifts, taking you out for dates and shopping, but when you wanted to do a course in digital marketing, he said yes without a thought and happily paid for the course. Maybe his way of showing love and affection is standing by you in all your endeavors.
So what if he is not into snuggles and holding hands or cuddling at every chance? You could still find ways to appreciate your husband? He is doing what really matters and instead of saying, “My husband is not romantic or thoughtful”, try saying, “My husband is the rock in my life.” You will feel much better and happier then.
3. Don’t let social media influence you
Half of the reason you think, “My husband never surprises me” or “Why isn’t my husband romantic like other men?” is because of all that you see on social media. Perhaps, you read a mushy birthday wish a friend has posted on Facebook for his wife or saw a romantic beachside photo of your bestie with her husband, and that led you to think, “My husband never does anything special for me.” Don’t let the filtered, airbrushed portrayal of other people’s relationships determine your expectations from your spouse.
Just know many of the couples who have those picture-perfect lives on social media end up getting divorced. Don’t get swayed by social media romance and judge your husband. That’s the harshest thing to do. Instead, focus on what your spouse brings to the marriage and be grateful for it. Everyone has a different relationship. Comparing will get you nowhere.
4. Why do you say, “My husband is not affectionate or romantic?”
Think about why you feel your husband is not affectionate or feel the need to say such things. Is your idea of romance sculpted by watching Hollywood films and reading Mills & Boons? Then, you really need to alter your romantic ideas and manage relationship expectations realistically. What they show in the movies and write in the books are all ideal romantic situations and the characters of the men are drawn up to appeal to the fancy of women. Trust us.
Men in real life might not subscribe to that idea of romance. If he is getting you your regular medicines without fail, ensuring the fridge is always full and there is fuel in your car, then that could be the idea of romance to him and that might just be enough in the real world. He believes he is taking care of you and that should make you happy enough.
A reality check on what love and romance feel like in real life can go a long way in shaking off the “my husband never does anything special for me” feeling. Once you do, you will be in a better place to appreciate the little things that he does for you.
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5. How to make husband romantic? Give him some ideas
“My husband is not as affectionate as he used to be and I feel the spark is fizzling out. What do I do?” Lana asked her sister Sophie. And she replied, “Why is being affectionate and romantic his job alone? There are two of you in this marriage, and the key to making it work is to supplement and support your partner wherever you feel they’re lacking.”
This advice could do you a world of good if you’re wondering how to live with an unaffectionate husband. Some men are at a loss about what works as romance and what they could do to make their wives happy. Take the lead in that case. Instead of complaining “why my husband is not romantic”, go out there and make sure that you make up for his side of the romance.
Tell him about a few romantic places you could explore for dinner or tell him about the red long dress you have been eyeing at the boutique. Book a place at a fine-dining restaurant and surprise him. Take the initiative and put him in a romantic situation. Watch his dimples as he smiles and sips that wine. Watch the glow of candles on his face.
6. ‘My husband never surprises me’— because he isn’t big on birthdays
Just let him be. Many men grow up in homes where birthdays are not celebrated with aplomb, it is not something that is bizarre or unheard of. It’s just another day in the calendar where maybe some sweets are added to the dinner table. So perhaps he doesn’t realize that he should make your birthday special or go the extra mile. Don’t be annoyed if he comes home with a bar of chocolate. Or if he even forgets your birthday, don’t shed tears in the washroom.
Just accept that he isn’t wired for birthdays but what you can do is try your bit. If you make sure to celebrate his birthday and your anniversaries together and make all arrangements and give thoughtful gifts, maybe a couple of years later he would know what should be done. He would make the effort to make your birthday special.
7. Never tell him what other husbands do
That’s the worst thing you can do to your husband and it might just further drive him away from you. If you wistfully keep telling him Dina’s husband got her a diamond ring on their anniversary and Laila’s husband took her on a vacation to Europe on her birthday, it will push him further into a shell. The signs of an unromantic husband that are already keeping you up at night will only get augmented manifold.
How to deal with unromantic husband then? Try not to belittle him in comparison to other men. Men hate comparisons. Instead, do something constructive. You can make plans for a vacation! Figure out the ideal vacation spot for you and your spouse and involve him in the nitty-gritty and make sure that you make him feel that it could be a budget vacay but it matters to you. After you come back from the vacation don’t be surprised to see him making the plans for the next one.
Related Reading: 35 Questions To Ask Your Husband For A Heart-To-Heart Conversation
8. He expresses himself differently
“My husband is not affectionate in public, he won’t even hold my hand while we’re out. Is he ashamed of me somehow?” Well, if you look at it this way, his lack of affection is going to appear more and more irksome by the day. However, there is another perspective to this situation: maybe he is the kind who hates PDA on social media as well as IRL and that’s why he jumps away from you if you try to hold his hand in public or he doesn’t appreciate being tagged in mushy posts.
Guess you need to understand him as a person in that case then. Romance to him might mean great sex and not flowers and candles. Understand his feelings and emotions, and you won’t have a reason to worry over your husband not being thoughtful or romantic.
9. Opposites attract
If you feel your husband is not affectionate or romantic and you, on the other hand, wear your heart on your sleeve all the time, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it can be good for you and your marriage. Being in a relationship with your polar opposite allows you an opportunity to learn from each other.
While he could learn ways to be romantic from you, you could learn the value of solid love from him. You just need to keep the communication open to learning from each other. There is no room for criticism here. Just remember that every person is different. Even though you may have the same emotions and equally strong love for each other, you could be expressing it in radically different ways.
10. Stop pestering
Instead of going around and racking your brain over, “why my husband is not romantic?”, give it a break. If you are constantly pestering him because you can’t shake off the “my husband does nothing special for me” feeling, then you might end up doing more harm than good to the relationship. Some husbands could be earning money, doing the housework, looking after their aged parents, and looking after children’s homework.
After that, if you are still complaining that he doesn’t get you flowers or take you out for dates, then you need to take a second look at your relationship. Would you rather that he get your flowers than pitch in equally in building a wholesome life with you?
The nature of love and romance changes and evolves as a couple grows together in their relationship. So, don’t fixate on the idea of romantic love you grew up on in your teens and 20s. Let go of how it ought to be so that you can appreciate how it really is.
Related Reading: 12 Characteristics Of A Successful Marriage
11. ‘My husband is not romantic what should I do?’ — Stop nagging
Have you ever thought that dealing with a nagging wife could have made your man less romantic after the marriage? If you’re constantly complaining “my husband is not affectionate anymore”, “my husband never does anything special for me” or “I’m so unlucky to have a husband who is not affectionate”, it’s going to be a bit of a buzzkill for him.
Or if you are telling him how long he can stay at the bar with his friends, what trousers he should wear, how he should deal with his boss, and what kind of a diet he should follow, he is going to be stifled in the relationship. When his independence and sense of confidence are being dented with all that nagging, there isn’t much scope left for romance. Have you ever thought that he could be thinking you are not thoughtful and rather unromantic too?
12. Have your own life
Instead of fixating on a lack of romance with your husband, build a life of your own. Do fun things with your girl gang, pick up a hobby, watch a movie, toss up a new dish, and have your own world. If you do all these and more you will realize that you are thinking less that your husband is not affectionate or romantic.
It is a fact that not all husbands are affectionate or romantic. It depends on the wife how she wants to deal with it. If you’re one of those women who are wrestling with the question of how to live with an unaffectionate husband, we hope these tips will help you approach your relationship from a fresh perspective.
Accept him as he is and focus on his strong points. He might be a dutiful, responsible and peace-loving person who just doesn’t know how to impress you with flowers.
No, a relationship cannot survive without affection. But some people may not show affection in a conventional way with cuddles and hugs. Some people might stay up for you all night when you are ill and show their affection and care.
If there is a complete lack of affection, then that is a reason to break up. If there is love and care in the relationship there is no overt show of affection and romance, then it can be handled.
This is a question that many women ask. Your husband could be shy or could feel that since you are married now there is no reason to be too romantic to impress you. Also, it could be since his childhood he has grown up in a home where showing affection was not the norm.
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Readers Comments On “12 Things To Do When Husband Is Not Affectionate Or Romantic”
Very confused as to why all of these tips make it the wife’s responsibility. Why is there no expectation that the husband change the way he shows love based on what her love language is? In marriage, we should adjust how we show love to our spouses based on how they feel loved most. If my husband loves physical touch and words of affirmation, why would I continue giving him gifts just because that’s what I like or what I grew up doing? I shouldn’t be expected to adjust? Makes no sense to me.
Hey Sarah! Aren’t all marriages confusing to a certain extent? If you have any difficulties in your marriage that you’d like to resolve please mail us at email@example.com We’d love to help you out!
I completely agree. A man totally wrote this. Every step is doing more things for “him” when we feel lack of affection in a relationship. And that our valid concerns are just “nagging”. This article is completely unrealistic and unreasonable. It mentions things like even when he doesn’t do anything for you just appreciate him anyway, and when you’re left wondering why there’s so much lack of attention or affection, just make sure his needs are met and with time he may come around? Absolutely not. I actually felt this article was borderline narcissistic to be honest.