Not all husbands are the kind who would bring bouquets home, shower you with kisses while going to work or nudge you aside when you are doing the dishes at the sink and take over your work. “My husband is not affectionate or romantic” is a refrain of many wistful wives whose spouses don’t attach importance to thoughtful gestures to make them feel loved and valued.
Over time, the complaints often escalate to “My husband does nothing special for me” or “My husband is not thoughtful”. It’s true that not all husbands are romantic or thoughtful. It’s not part of their character. Some men try to be a wee bit romantic when they are dating or are courting but when the wedding bells chime, they go back to being their non-expressive, nonchalant selves.
Putting up with a husband who is not affectionate can surely be distressing. You may worry about not being desirable to your spouse. That coupled with a sense of emotional unfulfillment can bring up concerns about the future of your marriage. However, it’s not an insurmountable challenge in a relationship. We’re here to help you figure out how to live with an unaffectionate husband without it taking a toll on you.
Why Do Husbands Stop Being Romantic?
An unromantic husband does not mean an uncaring, unappreciative or hard-hearted person. Signs of an unromantic husband must not be confused with your spouse having emotionally checked out from the marriage. It simply means that the husband is not expressive enough. Men are certainly not that good at expressing themselves and communicating their feelings.
If he was a little romantic before the marriage, he was doing that with a lot of effort just to impress you. Post marriage, most men become unromantic because it puts them back in their comfort zone. They feel that now you are already married and you’re his partner for life, there is no need to try to do something that does not come naturally to him.
This is precisely the reason most men stop being romantic after marriage and most women rue, “My husband is not as affectionate as he used to be.” These could leave the wives confused and they often construe it as the husband’s lack of interest in the marriage, lack of love and desire.
What do you do when your husband shows no affection? Reminding yourself that him being unromantic is not necessarily a reflection of the state of your marriage. In all likelihood, he is simply being himself. That alone can allay a lot of doubts. Then, you can begin to learn how to live with an unaffectionate husband.
Related Reading: 16 Romantic Things To Say To Your Husband
12 Things To Do When Husband Is Not Affectionate Or Romantic
Women most often keep pestering, whining and complaining about their husbands when they are not affectionate or romantic. But have you ever stopped to think that his love language could be different from yours, and he may be expressing his love and affection in his own way but all you end up seeing are the signs of an unromantic husband?
So, the next time you’re bogged down by the “my husband does nothing special for me” thought, try to focus on the special things you can do for your husband. Perhaps, you could take the initiative to make sure he is in a better mind space if your husband is not affectionate or romantic. We list 12 things you can do to deal with an unromantic husband:
1. Accept your husband as he is
What do you do when your husband shows no affection? Focus on finding total acceptance for who your spouse is as an individual. As we said earlier, some people are simply not romantic but that does not mean they are not good at heart. If you can accept this reality, then the thought that “my husband is not thoughtful or affectionate” won’t bother you.
Your husband might have other good qualities. Perhaps, he is the most patient man you’ve ever met or he is a peace-loving person, he could be a good conversationalist or your husband could be into books. Accept him the way he is and you will be able to love him more easily.
2. Appreciate your husband for who he is
He might not be the kind who is showering you with gifts, taking you out for dates and shopping, but when you wanted to do a course in digital marketing, he said yes without a thought and happily paid for the course. Maybe his way of showing love and affection is standing by you in all your endeavors.
So what if he is not into the snuggles and holding hands but does that mean you will appreciate him any less? He is doing what really matters and instead of saying, “My husband is not romantic or thoughtful”, try saying, “My husband is the rock in my life.” You will feel much better and happier.
3. Don’t let social media influence you
Perhaps, you read a mushy birthday wish a friend has posted on Facebook for his wife or saw a romantic beachside photo of your bestie with her husband, and that led you to think, “My husband never does anything special for me.” Don’t let the filtered, airbrushed portrayal of other people’s relationships determine your expectations from your spouse.
Just know many of the couples who have those picture-perfect lives on social media end up getting divorced. Don’t get swayed by social media romance and judge your husband. That’s the harshest thing to do. Instead, focus on what your spouse brings to the marriage and be grateful for it.
4. Why do you say, “My husband is not romantic?”
Think about why you feel your husband is not affectionate. Is your idea of romance sculpted by watching Hollywood films and reading Mills & Boons? Then, you really need to alter your romantic ideas and manage relationship expectations realistically. What they show in the movies and write in the books are all ideal romantic situations and the characters of the men are drawn up to appeal to the fancy of women. Trust us.
Men in real life might not subscribe to that idea of romance. If he is getting you your regular medicines without fail, ensuring the fridge is always full and there is fuel in your car, then that could be the idea of romance to him. He believes he is taking care of you and that should make you happy.
A reality check on what love and romance feel like in real life can go a long way in shaking off the “my husband never does anything special for me” feeling. Once you do, you will be in a better place to appreciate the little things that he does for you.
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5. Give him some ideas
“My husband is not as affectionate as he used to be and I feel the spark is fizzling out. What do I do?” Lana asked her sister Sophie. And she replied, “Why is being affectionate and romantic his job alone? There are two of you in this marriage, and the key to making it work is to supplement and support your partner wherever you feel they’re lacking.”
This advice could do you a world of good if you’re wondering how to live with an unaffectionate husband. Some men are at a loss about what works as romance and what they could do to make their wives happy. Take the lead in that case.
Tell him about a few romantic places you could explore for dinner or tell him about the red long dress you have been eyeing at the boutique. Book a place at a fine-dining restaurant and surprise him. Take the initiative and put him in a romantic situation. Watch his dimples as he smiles and sips that wine. Watch the glow of candles on his face.
6. He isn’t big on birthdays
Let him be. Many men grow up in homes where birthdays are not celebrated with aplomb. It’s just another day in the calendar where maybe some sweets are added to the dinner table. So perhaps he doesn’t realize that he should make your birthday special. Don’t be annoyed if he comes home with a bar of chocolate. Or if he even forgets your birthday, don’t shed tears in the washroom.
Just accept that he isn’t wired for birthdays but what you can do is try your bit. If you make sure to celebrate his birthday and your anniversaries together and make all arrangements and give thoughtful gifts, maybe a couple of years later he would know what should be done. He would make the effort to make your birthday special.
7. Never tell him what other husbands do
That’s the worst thing you can do to your husband. If you wistfully keep telling him Dina’s husband got her a diamond ring on their anniversary and Laila’s husband took her on a vacation to Europe on her birthday, it will push him further into a shell. The signs of an unromantic husband that are already keeping you up at night will only get augmented manifold.
Men hate comparisons. Instead, you can make plans for a vacation and involve him in the nitty-gritty and make sure that you make him feel that it could be a budget vacay but it matters to you. After you come back from the vacation don’t be surprised to see him making the plans for the next one.
Related Reading: 35 Questions To Ask Your Husband For A Heart-To-Heart Conversation
8. He expresses himself differently
“My husband is not affectionate in public, he won’t even hold my hand while we’re out. Is he ashamed of me somehow?” Well, if you look at it this way, his lack of affection is going to appear more and more irksome by the day. However, there is another perspective to this situation: maybe he is the kind who hates PDA and that’s why he jumps away from you if you try to hold his hand in public.
Guess you need to understand him as a person. Romance to him might mean great sex and not flowers and candles. Understand his feelings and emotions, and you won’t have a reason to worry over your husband not being thoughtful or romantic.
9. Opposites attract
If you feel your husband is not affectionate or romantic and you, on the other hand, wear your heart on your sleeve all the time, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it can be good for you and your marriage. Opposites attract and you can learn from each other.
While he could learn ways to be romantic from you, you could learn the value of solid love from him. You just need to keep the communication open to learn from each other. There is no room for criticism here. Just remember that every person is different. Even though you may have the same emotions and equally strong love for each other, you could be expressing it in radically different ways.
10. Stop pestering
If you are constantly pestering him because you can’t shake off the “my husband does nothing special for me” feeling, then you might end up doing more harm than good to the relationship. Some husbands could be earning money, doing the housework, looking after the aged parents and looking after children’s homework.
After that, if you are still complaining that he doesn’t get you flowers or take you out for dates, then you need to take a second look at your relationship. Would you rather that he get your flowers than pitch in equally in building a wholesome life with you?
The nature of love and romance changes and evolves as a couple grows together in their relationship. So, don’t fixate on the idea of romantic love you grew up on in your teens and 20s. Let go of how it ought to be so that you can appreciate how it really is.
Related Reading: 12 Characteristics Of A Successful Marriage
11. Stop nagging
Have you ever thought that dealing with a nagging wife could have made your man less romantic after the marriage? If you’re constantly complaining “my husband is not affectionate anymore”, “my husband never does anything special for me” or “I’m so unlucky to have a husband who is not affectionate”, it’s going to be a bit of a buzzkill for him.
Or if you are telling him how long he can stay at the bar with his friends, what trousers he should wear, how he should deal with his boss and what kind of a diet he should follow, he is going to be stifled in the relationship. When his independence and sense of confidence are being dented with all that nagging, there isn’t much scope left for romance. Have you ever thought that he could be thinking you are not thoughtful and rather unromantic too?
12. Have your own life
Instead of fixating on a lack of romance with your husband, build a life of your own. Go out with the girls, have a hobby, watch a movie, toss up a new dish, have your own world. If you do all these and more you will realize that you are thinking less that your husband is not affectionate or romantic.
It is a fact that not all husbands are affectionate or romantic. It depends on the wife how she wants to deal with it. If you’re one of those women who are wrestling with the question of how to live with an unaffectionate husband, we hope these tips will help you approach your relationship from a fresh perspective.
Accept him as he is and focus on his strong points. He might be a dutiful, responsible and peace-loving person who just doesn’t know how to impress you with flowers.
No, a relationship cannot survive without affection. But some people may not show affection in a conventional way with cuddles and hugs. Some people might stay up for you all night when you are ill and show their affection and care.
If there is a complete lack of affection, then that is a reason to break up. If there is love and care in the relationship there is no overt show of affection and romance, then it can be handled.
This is a question that many women ask. Your husband could be shy or could feel that since you are married now there is no reason to be too romantic to impress you. Also, it could be since his childhood he has grown up in a home where showing affection was not the norm.