Not all husbands are the kind who would bring bouquets home, shower you with kisses while going to work or nudge you aside when you are doing the dishes at the sink and take over your work. “My husband is not affectionate or romantic,” this is a refrain that many wives say wistfully.
The complaints often build-up to, “My husband does nothing special for me” or “My husband is not thoughtful.” It’s true that not all husbands are romantic or thoughtful. It’s not part of their character. Some men try to be a wee bit romantic when they are dating or are courting but when the wedding bells chime they go back to being themselves.
Why Do Husbands Stop Being Romantic?
An unromantic husband does not mean an uncaring, unappreciative or hard-hearted person. It simply means that the husband is not expressive enough.
Men are sure not that good at expressing themselves and communicate their feelings. If he had been a little romantic before the marriage he was doing that with a lot of effort just to impress you.
Post marriage most men become unromantic because they feel that you are already married, you’re his girl and there is no need to try to do something that does not come naturally to him. Precisely the reason for which most husbands stop being romantic after the marriage.
Related Reading: 16 Romantic Things To Say To Your Husband
These could leave the wives confused and they often construe it as the husband’s disinterest in the marriage, lack of love and mutual need. But wives should know if he’s being unromantic he is simply being himself.
12 Things To Do When Husband Is Not Affectionate Or Romantic
Women most often keep festering, whining and complaining about their husbands when they are not affectionate or romantic. But instead of thinking, “My husband does nothing special for me,” think, what are the special things you can do for your husband?
There are things you can do to be in a better space if your husband is not affectionate or romantic. We list 12 things you can do to deal with an unromantic husband.
1. Accept your husband as he is
As we said earlier that some people are simply not romantic but that does not mean they are not good at heart. If you can accept this reality then you won’t keep on saying my husband is not thoughtful or affectionate.
Your husband might have other good qualities like patience, is a peaceful person, he could be a good conversationalist or your husband could be into books. Accept him the way he is and you will be able to love him more easily.
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2. Appreciate your husband for who he is
He might not be the kind who is showering you with gifts, taking you out for dates and shopping but when you wanted to do a course in digital marketing he said yes without a thought and paid for the course happily.
He believes in standing by you in all your endeavours. So what if he is not into the snuggles and holding hands but does that mean you will appreciate him any less? He is doing what really matters and instead of saying, “My husband is not romantic or thoughtful”, you should say, “My husband is the rock in my life.” You will feel much better and happier.
3. Don’t let social media influence you
You read those mushy birthday wishes to the wife on Facebook or see that romantic beachside photo on Instagram and think that, “My husband is not romantic he would never do that.” That’s absolutely fine he doesn’t need to do it.
Just know this that many husbands after taking the wife out on the most romantic dinner date on their birthday and posting it on SM opt for a divorce six months later. Don’t get swayed by social media romance and judge your husband. That’s the harshest thing to do.
4. Why do you say, “My husband is not romantic?”
Think about why you feel your husband is not romantic. Did you develop your idea of romance by watching Hollywood films and reading Mills & Boons? Then you really need to alter your own romantic expectations.
What they show in the movies and write in the books are all ideal romantic situations and the characters of the men are drawn up to appeal to the fancy of women. Trust us. Men in real life might not subscribe to that idea of romance.
If he is getting you your regular medicines without fail, ensuring the fridge is always full and there is fuel in the car that you drive, then that could be the idea of romance to him.
He is taking care of you he believes and that should make you happy.
5. Give him some ideas
Some men are at a loss about what works as romance and what he could do to make you happy. Take the lead then.
Tell him about a few romantic places you could explore for dinner or tell him about the red long dress you have been eyeing at the boutique for long.
Book a place at a fine-dining restaurant and surprise him. Take the initiative and put him in a romantic situation. Watch his dimples as he smiles and sips that wine. Watch the glow of candles on his face.
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6. He isn’t big on birthdays
Let him be. Many men grow up in homes where birthdays are not celebrated with aplomb. It’s just another day in the calendar where maybe some sweets are added to the dinner table.
So he also doesn’t realize that he should make your birthday special and don’t be annoyed if he comes home with a bar of chocolate. Or if he even forgets your birthday don’t shed tears in the washroom.
Just accept that he isn’t wired for birthdays but what you can do is try your bit. If you make sure to celebrate his birthday and your anniversaries together and make all arrangements and give thoughtful gifts, maybe a couple of years later he would know what should be done. He would make the effort to make your birthday special.
7. Never tell him what other husbands do
That’s the worst thing you can do to your husband. If you wistfully keep telling him Dina’s husband got her a diamond ring on their anniversary and Laila’s husband took her to a vacation in Europe on her birthday then this will push him further into a shell.
Men hate comparisons. Instead, you can make plans for a vacation and involve him in the nitty-gritty and make sure that you make him feel that it could be a budget vacay but it matters to you. After you come back from the vacation don’t be surprised to see him making the plans for the next one.
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8. He expresses himself differently
He might be the kind who hates PDA and jumps away from you if you try to hold his hand in public but when in bed he is a tiger. He owns you there and ensures you have the best time with him.
Guess you need to understand him as a person. Romance to him might mean great sex and not flowers and candles. Understand his feelings and don’t crib about your husband not being thoughtful or romantic. Just realise not everyone is as happy in be as you are.
9. Opposites attract
If you feel your husband is not affectionate or romantic and on the contrary, you are dripping with romance then actually it’s good for you. Opposites attract and you would learn from each other. While he would learn ways to romance from you would learn the value of solid love from him.
You just need to keep the communication open to learning from each other. There is no room for criticism here. Just remember that every person is not that same.
10. Stop festering
If you are constantly festering and thinking, “My husband does nothing special for me,” then you will end up doing more harm than good to the relationship. Some husbands could be earning money, doing the housework, looking after the aged parents and looking after children’s homework.
After that, if you are still cribbing that he doesn’t get you flowers or taking you out for dates then you need to take a second look at your relationship.
If he had not done all this and only come home with flowers would you have been happy?
Related reading: 12 Characteristics Of A Successful Marriage
11. Stop nagging
You are telling him how long he can stay at the bar with his friends, what trousers he should wear, how he should deal with his boss and what kind of a diet he should follow. If you are doing this then you can’t expect him to feel romance after all that nagging.
Have you ever thought that he could be thinking you are not thoughtful and rather unromantic too?
12. Have your own life
Instead of pursuing a romance with your husband have a life of your own. Go out with the girls, have a hobby, watch a movie, toss up a new dish, have your own world. If you do all these and more you will realize that you are thinking less that your husband is not affectionate or romantic.
It is a fact that not all husbands are affectionate or romantic. It depends on the wife how she wants to deal with it. Hope our 12 points are an eye-opener to her.
Accept him as he is and focus on his strong points. He might be a dutiful, responsible and peace loving person who just doesn’t know how to impress you with flowers.
No a relationship cannot survive without affection. But some people may not show affection in the conventional way with cuddles and hugs. Some people might stay up for you all night when you are ill and show their affection and care.
If there is complete lack of affection then that is a reason to break up. But if love and care exists but there is no overt show of affection and romance then it can be handled.
This is a question that many women ask. Your husband could be shy, or could feel that since you are married now there is no reason to be too romantic to impress you. Also, it could be since his childhood he has grown up in a home where showing affection was not the norm.