Affair and Cheating

Is it wrong to have sex with my best friend’s husband?

Her affair with her best friend's husband has helped both of them to understand their spouses better and improve their married life. Is that so wrong?
lady talking in man's ear

(As told to Irewati Nag)

My marriage has everything you normally look for

I grew up in a reasonably well-educated Brahmin family in Chennai. I’ve always been fascinated by doctors. I do not deny wanting to marry a doctor at some stage in life. In fact, when many proposals came to my parents for my marriage, I would hope at least there were a couple of good-looking doctors. There were hardly any proposals from doctors. The ones that were there, they were not good looking.

I ended up marrying a CA, based in Mumbai. My husband is a class topper, one of the most successful CAs in the city. I have heard from others that he is a shrewd negotiator and extremely hardworking and detail oriented too. It makes me proud when I hear his praises from others.

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Here’s how I discovered I was polyamorous

Sleeping with my best friend WASN’T the reason why I divorced him and moved on

Classic excuses to have an extramarital affair, with help from Bollywood!

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26 Comments

  1. After reading all the comments I think now you are having your answer that having sex with your bffs husband is never ever right,,,,
    Don’t ask such stupid question again with your rubbish explanation

  2. Just a very simple question I wann ask what if ur husband does same with you,,,,if ur answer is that you hv no problem,,then don’t you think what kind of will it be ,,#each and every will believe in cheating their spouse,,,and the most funny thing this is making you really veryyyyyyyy comfortable,,,what the hell,,,,be comfortable with your spouse dear,,,, cheating a loving life partner can never be accepted as a right thing,,,,even if you are explaining very nicely but it’s wrong dear ,,it’s totally wrong

  3. I think if husband give endless love she w ill never cheat him.exceptions r there.
    Boredom
    Lack of emotional attachment
    Sexual cravings for a forbidden fruit.

    These r some of the reasons.not all house wives are whores.before u comment just think that u have a mother at home.

    1. Endless love is a figment of imagination. Quite frankly, love is not permanent. If love indeed was a permanent glue, then the former US Vice President Al Gore would not have divorced after almost 40 years. Love changes its forms and it is not humanly not possible to leave everything else and adapt to the changing form of love.

      My point is love does not bind a marriage. Trust, compassion, friendship does. These are virtues.

      A husband or wife cannot leave everything else and keep showering each other with endless lust and Iove. A family is bound to have its routine and mundane moments that breed boredom. I am not going to elaborate those here.

      However getting bored and hence having extramarital affair is a sign that the wife/ husband has now turned into a whore/giggolo.

      You can get bored in various ways; your husband does not have the moral obligation to leave everything and just satisfy you.

      I would not elaborate anymore but would like to conclude by asserting that if my mother (who is dead) had an extramarital affair, I would not hesitate call her a whore. Rules are rules. A marriage by all understanding is a social contract. If you cheat on a contract you need to pay for the consequences.

  4. Hi Deb,
    My parole is over and had to resume work. Probably this would be my last comment on this issue due to personal reasons.
    My point is only that fear is not a deterrent for people from wrong doing. Whomsoever commits such wrong doings does this with the belief that they will never be caught. If fear is a deterrent then the current social settings is enough for a person to not to involve in any such wrong doings.
    From your words what i understood is that you are still not able to get over with the bad things that has happened with your dear and near ones. I feel sorry for you as you have to go through all these emotional turmoils for no fault of yours. But try forgiving others for their mistakes, it will give you peace of mind. This is only a suggestion and if you dont find it as a solution please dont take it wrong.

    Divorce itself is not a bad thing. I am taking your brother in law as an example. Think if he didnt have the affair but he has lost on the friendship and compassion with your sister ( Iam assuming that brother in law was your sister’s husband not your wife’s brother). He doesnt even want to talk to his wife. Obviously both them will resent the marriage. your sister will be deeply hurt as she will never know the exact reasons. So in a way the divorce has given her chance to move on.

    I have used Love as a collective word for Friendship, affection, compassion, trust and respect. If any of these qualities are lost in a marriage then i believe that divorce would be the best for both the partners.

    I dont agree that physical proximity is necessary for a marriage to work. I was in a long distance relation with my wife for close to a year. My brother and Bhabhi was in a long distance relationship for close to 5 years. Another my cousin is married for nearly 21 years and was in a long distance relationship for close to 10 years. So i think Physical proximity is not required for a marriage to work.

    I have resumed work and probably will not be able to reply to you. Thanks for the engaging conversation. Stay blessed.

    Sandip

    1. Stay blessed Sandip. Not sure why you were on parole.

      Regarding deterrents, they do work. Especially public shaming (minus the violence or physical abuse that is assumed to go with it). Crimes go unpunished because the intent of the law is not correctly applied. That is a separate issue. You cannot punish an adulterer by any legal system. He/she has not committed any crime.

      Regarding your examples and suggestions on long distance relationships, exemplifying trust, I would say that they are exceptions which prove a rule. The couple who were in a long distance relationship for 10 years had TRUST to hold it. Such is ideal and exemplary but cannot be expected out of all relationships.

      Stay blessed in your life and wish you all the best.

      1. Hi Deb,
        Ha ha ha.. parole is an euphemism used. I was away from family and work due to some personal work that I had at my home town. Now I am back with my family and resumed work.

        The kind of lives that I have seen is very different from yours. I hail from Kerala in a neighborhood where every alternate home had a working member in middle East and still I haven’t heard about any transgressions. So points of view are different.

        Anyway thanks again for such an engaging conversation. Stay blessed.

  5. Of course this is a case of having the cake and eating it too, she is acting out her fantasies in an entitled manner, like so what if my husband or my friend find out….highly irresponsible.if she was lonely and horny, masturbation is the answer. She just wanted a taste of someone new. Not OK> she should come clean to the spouses involved. And if sex is just like having a bath – how many times does she shove a foreign object that is not hers into her vagina?

      1. Hi Deb

        I don’t think fear is a deterrent in involving with crime/ wrong doing. If that’s the case then middle East countries should have the least crime rates. Unfortunately Scandinavian countries which is considered to have the most liberal laws have the least crime rates. So definitely fear is not the deterrent.

        I agree to your point about the partner who was loyal in the relationship are the most affected due to his/her partner’s infidelity.

        I am being a little curious here and sorry for invading your personal space. By seeing your obsession on public humiliation makes me wonder if you or any of your loved ones was affected due to partner’s infidelity. Once again I am sorry if I am invading your personal space.

        1. Hi Sandip,

          Scandinavian countries have a different culture. My understanding of their culture is that there open marriages are commonplace and polyamory is acceptable too. Children born out of formal wedlock are not condemned to gutters or sent away in doghouses or boot camps. It is a different culture than USA. Germany bears similarities with USA, while France and England do not. But Finland (Scandinavian) is again what you have described. Thus infidelity etc., in Scandinavian countries are not a big issue at all. If unions break, children are protected plus financial ruin can be avoided because the liberal socialist system in the Scandinavian countries provide the safety net.

          However most couples I have met in my travels in Netherlands or Finland, whether in open or monogamous relationships, oppose cheating or infidelity. The logic is that sex and live are in abundance and you have the right to choose. It is thus unthinkable for Scandinavians to cheat. I do recall that in 2010 while flying to Berlin on Lufthansa, I got introduced to a swinger couple in the flight who lived in Denmark. Two men had exchanged their LONG TERM girlfriends. They had children who were with the grandparents who lived in Seville, France and Corvallis, Oregon, USA. There was absolutely no animosity between them. Very, very friendly with each other. Looking at my awestruck jaw, they laughed and told me that they are very honest with their relationship with each other. If a woman has to have sex outside then the man knows and never objects. Similarly with the man. But whatever they do, it is very honest.

          They (swingers) did however respect the concept of monogamity in marriage/relationships. But they were too very uncomfortable & disagreed with cheating.

          So having elaborated all those bewildering experiences, I still disagree with you on the deterrent issue. There has to be a deterrent. If infidelity happens, then the best which could occur is that legally divorce is instituted, and the cheating partner in most cases goes scot free – because of the confused, pseudo-liberal culture. Thus divorce, while it relieves the aggrieved partner from any obligatory continuance of the toxic relationship, does NOT heal the wound. In a murder case, the culprit faces death sentence – life is taken for life. In the extra marital affairs similar things do not happen. The cheated is the loser. The society laughs at him/her because he/she is labeled as unfit and unsmart. That is most unfair. And your position does appear defeatist – meaning you are implying no solution but simply asking the cheated to forget & move on.

          Finally, I must admit that by the grace of the Lord I am still happily married after 26 years. Yes to sustain my marriage we do not have wild sex like 26 years ago. We are aging and not in the best of health. So, with medications etc. we still are together but not for sex. Our relationship has matured.

          I have seen my own brother go thru’ an ugly divorce 1 year after his marriage because his wife was cheating. His wife admitted in a court that she cheated but the court let her go with a slap in the wrist. He has since moved on and us now happily married with a beautiful daughter.

          My brother-in-law has an extra marital affair after 6 years into his marriage with a 4 year old son. That son is now 19 years old. His father is divorced and is now married to his fling who previously had a daughter. The pathetic condition of his son, and the way he is growing up is a good motivation for me to support public shaming of infidelity cases. My good friend got divorced after 29 years of marriage with two college going kids! These are game changers in real life and no abstractions or armchair rubbish.

          I am not at all offended for you to invade my personal space. It’s all in the muck now. I hope you are in a stableand trusting relationship and have not or should not been wronged in relationships.

          1. Hi Deb,

            To be honest I don’t know anything about the relationship existing in Scandinavian countries. I was only trying to point out that fear is not a deterrent for people in committing crime by citing examples of middle East and Scandinavian countries. Similarly people who encounter with extra marital affairs will not be worried about their punishment. In fact they will be more vigilant and will do the dirty job behind everyone’s back.

            We Indian society has the very bad habit of bullying the victim. So even though the stupid extra marital affair was not the fault of the loyal partner the so called society will try to bully them. Even if you publicly humiliate the perpetrators still the bullying people will make the victim feel that it was her fault. So the public humiliation will not do any good to the victim.

            I am a strong advocate of monogamy and strongly believe that only cheaters involve in extra marital affairs. Neither me nor my wife are ready to stoop to the level of a cheater.

            I had a colleague whose wife was considered as the best wife by any means. Despite working in a corporate she ensure that my colleague had the best of everything. She packs his lunch and gifts him occassionally. She doesn’t get angry when my colleague have a couple pegs or even doesn’t show any uneasiness when he casually chat with girls during office parties. But his dream home broke when he found out that his wife was having an affair with her boss. In his case I have seen what would be the victims trauma when he/ she finds out the transgression. Here also I have seen the bullying by society in the name of sympathy.

            Another example is that of one of my distant relative. He entered into a relationship with a divorced colleague of his when his wife was pregnant with his second daughter. His marriage with his wife ended in divorce when his second daughter completed 1 year. His ex wife was a very strong woman and she didn’t take a single paisa as alimony. Also she ensured that everyone in relation knew about his transgression without being a cry baby. It has been nearly three years after the incident and my relative has not attended any of the family functions till date. Only a handful of people attended his second marriage. If this is what you meant by public humiliation, yes I am into it. For this to happen we have to make the victim strong. We have to make the victim understand that there is nothing wrong to be ashamed of from his/ her side. It’s a trait of cheaters to get involved in extra marital affairs.

            People fall out from love. I prefer to lead a life of honesty rather than spending in lies. Divorce is not that bad. In short term it will give a very big pain, but I think it’s still better to have this rather than inciting hundred pains everyday. Clinging onto a loveless marriage wouldn’t do any good. An eye for eye will not reduce pain it will only gives a sadistic pleasure. If the wounds are to be healed then you should be providing emotional support to the victim. I don’t know if you have watched the old movie Arth. It shows us that the Best revenge for transgression is to live your life happily.

            In this narrative the woman is trying to sail in two boats and that’s something that I hate.

          2. Hi Sandip:

            I’ll try to make it succinct.

            1. If I were your friend, and my wife cheated which I found out with proof, I would have made sure that she cannot survive with her dignity anymore throughout the rest of her life. There are ways to do that. And yes I shall divorce her for sure. Is it sadistic? Probably (?) yes. But I need to take my revenge to calm my soul. If I cheat, j would expect same if worse treatment. A terrorist knows that he will die – same logic here – cheater needs public humiliation.

            2. The example of your relative being ostracized is something I like. However my revenge goes a little further than that. I would have other dirty ways to humiliate or scare that punk. Just imagine what his ex wife would have done with a 1 year old daughter. I salute her.

            3. Love is bullshit. It is not a necessary thing to stay married. Else I would have been divorced long ago. For staying married in a monogamous relationship, in my view, these must exist:

            (a) physical proximity
            (b) friendship and compassion
            (c) TRUST

            Even old people like me in their late fifties have physical proximity although certainly not like a 25 year old. You must have friendship with your partner, and honest communication. He/she must be compassionate. You both should trust each other, and it takes time to develop trust. Marriages break when trust erodes. Love – the way I see it in the various forums – is a transient phenomena, and is unpredictable. Marriage cannot be an unpredictable affair. So falling out of love is rubbish. Probably you are confusing with infatuation. So, if someone says that she/he has fallen out of love, it means she/he is infatuated with someone else. In most cases marriages break because the power of infatuation is too strong and overwhelms the other cheating partner.

  6. If you think your relationship with Anuj is all natural then why don’t you announce it to your family and to your best friend. If it’s a natural thing then everyone should take it in a good sense. Since you are not announcing you yourself know it is not natural and you should hide it. If your husband knows about it then it’s an open relationship and I have no problem against it. When you do it behind your husband’s back then it’s CHEATING.

    In my mother tongue there is a saying. An approximate translation would be like this. Those with baggages need to be worried enroute. Earlier you didn’t have any baggages so you can be yourself and call a spade a spade. But now since you have baggages your guilty conscience doesn’t allow you to do it hence you have become a patient listener. In a way you are cheating on yourselves too.

    To the author and other members of this site: your site always gives confused signals. One place the counselors give advice to end extra marital relationship and to focus on marriage. At other place under this category you guys glorify extra marital affairs.

    I have one thing to say to you. Extra marital affairs involve cheating and honesty is expensive thing which you can’t expect from cheap people.

    1. Very well articulated Sandip. I have no problem if, like you pointed out, the woman disclosed her extra marital affair to her husband and both consented. That is not happening here, and yet these characterless women expect respect for what they are doing.

      Of course it is not only women, but men are equally guilty. I can count heartbreaking incidents where lives have been shattered because of philandering husbands. But that does not solve the case.

      If there was a way to publically shame these cheaters, maybe that would have been a deterrent. But because society respects privacy, such abuse of freedom keep happening.

      Soon there will be no trust left between men and women.

      1. Hi Deb,

        Thanks for your compliments. I beg to differ on your point about public humiliation of extra marital affairs. In middle East countries you can be sentenced for adultery but still extra marital affairs are happening there. What I felt is that we human beings are adventurous in nature and forbidden fruit is tempting. Also we can fall prey to the circumstances. So public humiliation is not a solution.
        What I understood from the narrative is that it’s her loneliness that made her do such an immoral act. Instead of choosing the wrong path of treachery she should have taken the path of honesty to communicate with her husband to iron out the differences.
        Marriage involve responsibility. Since extra marital affairs doesn’t have any responsibility it will look sweeter.

        If this is a true story then the author is trying to convince her guilty conscience for the transgression she had. Hope that she will realise her mistake and will be truthful to herself from now on.

        1. No Sandip. Your comparison is flawed. In Middle East there are public executions because of adultery per Sharia law. You are right that in Middle East these crimes of passion do happen; however, the number of such “crimes” pale in comparison to what happens in liberal West. That is because there is no form of public shaming institutionally. If you go financially bankrupt you can become a street pauper. But in the West if you engage in adultery you can be hallowed because it is considered as partaking in a game of adventure that reveals the bold and beautiful side. Never mind that such display of passion. can wreck lives of your near and dear ones, who maybe your responsibility. That is why about 53% of the legalised unions (including marriages) end in divorce in the liberal West.

          If there had to be a deterrent to prevent such irresponsible and immoral behavior, that is indeed public shaming. Else the cheating partner (adult) gets away by appealing to the notion of individual choice and freedom, fully knowing that as an adult freedom and responsibility go hand in hand.

          Finally with all due respect this blaming of lonliness etc, is a cheap ruse. One as an adult must exercise self-restraint. As an example, one can do window shopping for nice articles and goods, but such display of goods cannot be an excuse to justify the temptation to steal those stuff.

          Please do not mind my criticism if it offends you.

          1. Hi Deb

            I don’t mind criticism as it gives me new dimensions to think there by giving me new point of views.so be cheerful I am not at all offended.

            My point was that sentencing for adultery is not a deterrent for extra marital affairs. Still people will fall into extra marital affairs for fun or being adventurous or being prey of the circumstances. Being promiscuous itself is a shameful act as per Indian society and if caught while being promiscuous itself will act as public shaming. Now the problem with institutionalised public shaming is that it gives a blanket approval for perverts who disguise as moral police to peep into other people’s bedroom. It itself will be like bhasmasura’s boon.

            I have never justified the promiscuous act to loneliness. If you had gone through my comment you can see that I have told that if loneliness was the reason for her immoral act then she should have taken the correct path of communicating with husband rather than choosing the path of promiscuity.

          2. Hi Sandip;

            I disagree with you on the deterrent issue. By instituting public shaming, we shall not be able to eliminate extra marital affairs. But surely it is a strong deterrent. It is much more powerful than the Middle Eastern corporal punishments – stoning or decapitation etc. The reason is that public shaming shall stay for life with the adulterer or adulteress. Every day he/she shall be reminded of the sin he/she committed. That psychological burden is way better than imprisinment or other forms of corporal punishment.

            Regarding moral policing of some fringe groups, you are partly right. However that fear would also act as a deterrent against extra marital affairs.

            I advocate public shaming and ostracization over imprisonment if other physical stuff (that happens in the Middle East). The reason is that such form of “punishment” is just equitable with the crime of marital treachery. Just as a murderer or a terrorist can also face death penalty for taking lives of innocents, similarly breaking the trust of a partner and destroying him/her morally, emotionally is an equal level crime. Just as convicts are on a death row, mentally preparing for execution, similarly psychological pressure should put that willing, promiscuous transgressing partner to extreme shame so that his/her soul dies.

            Finally, I strongly believe that *if you are kind towards the bad, you shall end up being bad towards the mind.*

            Anyway that’s my view. Thanks for engaging.

  7. I am surprised as always! Are you totally so shameless that, being the mother of 2 kids, you intentionally are having sex with your bestie Aruna’s husband much to the ignorance of your husband and Aruna? And see how shameless you are: you know you are having an extra marital affair, by all norms of societies, and you resent that society looks upon such incidents negatively? What did your parents teach you?

    You have intentionally broken the vows of marriage – which expects monogamy from either partners. If it is tough to maintain such commitment of monogamy, you should divorce and then have sex with Anuj.

    But by not doing so, you have cheated on your bestie Aruna and your husband. I do not know if you cannot be called a whore.

    Just wondering: is this very common in India – to have extramarital affairs – which was somewhat unheard of 33 years ago when I migrated to the West? Are most of the married women in India whores?

    1. Yes they are whores. What perturbs me still indian women are treated as saints . Trust me these women are hoes . Every second women has extramaritals and still men are being held culpable

      1. I don’t know how much truth is held in this story but after reading your judgement about most Indian women one thing is sure that your mind is not only narrow but also full of shit and garbage.

        1. My mind is narrow because I do not support housewives whoring around? Also I asked this as a question, not a blanket accusation. If asking that question makes me narrow minded, I am OK.

      2. Tanmoy,

        Your fear and frustrations are quite understandable. But there are two ways that might work:

        1. Get a pre-nuptial agreement signed on a legal stamp paper.

        2. If either or both partners engage in infidelity, then there will be public shaming of one or both.

        Some have argued against public shaming. But to me allowing such lapses to flow by sets a very wrong example: condoning irresponsible and immoral behavior under the ruse of personal freedom and privacy privileges.

        If public shaming becomes common, cheaters have nowhere to hide their faces.

  8. guilt making u to talk with you’re husband nicely, guilt making you to ask him about his job once u hated..I hope u r husband have some affair or at least he and aruna can have affair then u r family is god blessed.

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