What’s a good relationship supposed to feel like? Should you feel in love every single day, or is it a more consistent sense of attachment? Just how ugly can your fights get before it becomes toxic, and how much disrespect is too much? “Am I happy in my relationship?” is a question that all of us have asked ourselves, despite how happy we may seem in our Instagram selfies.
It may look like things are going great for about a week or so but then the nasty fights that you can’t stop having over the next few days may make you reconsider the entire relationship. As the raised voices don’t seem to stop, you might even wonder if you’ve landed yourself in something that’s about to blow up.
Before you label your relationship or even your partner with an unforgivable term, taking a minute to ponder over the question, “Am I happy in my relationship?”, will do you some good. Just so you don’t end up letting paranoia get the better of a wonderful relationship, let’s take a look at a few things to consider.
The “Am I Happy In My Relationship?” Quiz To Help You Figure It Out
You enter into a relationship with your own ideas of what it’s supposed to look like, and so does your partner. You may be all rainbows and butterflies, while your partner may not be the mushiest person out there. As a result, fleeting doubts about “Why am I not happy in my relationship anymore?” are perfectly normal. Sometimes, you may not necessarily be unhappy; you might just not have a grasp on how to fix the communication issues in your relationship.
Even so, there are times when you might be turning a blind eye to the more glaring signs of unhappiness. Are you in it because you love being in love? Are you sure about what you have? Are you left asking yourself, “Am I happy in my relationship or just comfortable?” The following questions will help you figure out where you’re at. Let’s figure out if the sweaty palms your relationship gives you are because of anxiety about the future or excitement about what’s in store.
1. Are your emotional intimacy needs being met?
A. Yes! My partner really understands me.
B. Hmm, mostly! I think.
C. No, I don’t think so.
Emotional intimacy is perhaps the most important factor in what keeps a relationship going. When things calm down, you can’t really rely on the fluffy cuffs to keep the spark going. You’ve eventually got to make sure you can confide in your partner without any inhibitions or doubts.
Can you tell your partner anything you want to? Can they empathize with you and you with them? These questions are the most important ones to ask when you’re trying to answer the question, “Am I happy in my relationship?”
Related Reading: 9 Signs You Are In A “Right Person Wrong Time” Situation
2. Are you sexually satisfied?
A. Oh yes! Thank god.
B. It’s fine. I am not complaining.
C. We sleep separately. Don’t ask!
Sure, emotional intimacy might arguably be a bit more important but consistently being sexually dissatisfied is a recipe for disaster. You might let it slide for a while, but you’ll eventually passive-aggressively send your partner a few articles about how to spice things up.
Before it leads to disaster, try to have a conversation about it. How productive that conversation proves to be also indicates if you are happy in your relationship.
3. Do you know each other?
A. They are my best friend.
B. There is only so much you can share with a busy partner.
C. I don’t remember when we talked about each other last.
If you’re constantly thinking things like, “Am I happy in my relationship?”, it may be time to think about whether you really know your partner or not. Apart from the feelings you share, do you really know what your partner is like? Do you agree with their worldview, do you love them for their personality, do you know about their childhood influences?
4. Do you feel good about the future?
A. I can’t imagine my life without them. We talk about our future all the time.
B. We don’t really talk about the future as much. But I guess we will be together. Hopefully!
C. No! I can’t imagine suffering like this through eternity.
Put aside all the time you’ve invested and all the feelings you think you have toward this person. Put aside all the gifts, all the surprise visits, and all the kind gestures, and ask yourself: Do you see yourself with this person five or ten years down the line?
It doesn’t matter what stage of the relationship you’re in, feeling good about the future is a basic necessity. Based on how you answer that question, you’re going to have a much better understanding of just how happy or unhappy you are.
5. Are you fixing your issues and not ignoring them?
A. Yes, we believe in prioritizing relationship issues.
B. We talk about some of them but we brush the serious ones under the carpet.
C. Our “under-the-carpet” is filthier than the back of a freshman’s headboard.
If the future looks grim or you just ended up having an annoying speck of doubt about that last question, ask yourself if you’re consistently ignoring your relationship problems. If you are, chances are you might just be infatuated.
6. Are you happy with the way you resolve fights?
A. Yes, I think we feel genuinely satisfied with the resolutions of our fights.
B. Sometimes we are okay but sometimes we keep going in circles and then give up. We try.
C. No, nothing good ever comes out of it. There is no point fighting it seems.
Conflict resolution is a huge and often overlooked aspect of a relationship. Do your fights end with “Can we stop talking about this please?” Or do they end on a more positive note, “I’m glad we were able to talk it out and settle that”? If you’ve found yourself saying something like, “I am not happy in my relationship, but I love him”, it may be because you two can’t stop fighting. And that’s probably because you never solve any of the issues you keep fighting about.
7. Is your partner happy?
A. They took time to answer, gave it sincere thought, and said, “Yes!”
B. They said, “Ya sure, why not!”. Or “Why are you asking these questions?” Or something along those lines.
C. They dismissed your questions and refused to give it any attention.
Yes, the answer to the question, “Why am I not happy in my relationship anymore?” might not even have much to do with you. Ask your partner if they’re truly happy and if they feel satisfied. And if they answer with, “I don’t know, I’m not really sure”, don’t freak out, keep calm and send them this article instead, so they can find out if they’re happy or not.
8. Does your partner make you feel whole?
A. Yes, I feel enough! I feel capable and confident.
B. Maybe, they do, and the insecurity I feel is my own issue.
C. No, I feel insecure in this relationship. I feel as if I’m not enough.
Does it feel like something is missing? Does it feel like you’d be happier if something you can’t change or address was fixed? Do you feel as though your needs are not being met, leaving you feeling incomplete? Or that you are being made to feel inadequate? Ask yourself, “Am I checked out of the relationship because it doesn’t make me feel good about myself?”
In a happy, positive relationship, both partners feel that they can grow, both as individuals and as a couple. They feel secure and whole, not incomplete and insecure. This indicates you are happy in your relationship.
9. Do you feel respected?
A. Yes. My partner values me, my feelings and my opinion.
B. I think I do but sometimes I feel they don’t care about what I have to say.
C. No, I feel constantly undermined and often treated like a child.
Mutual respect is pretty much a non-negotiable in any relationship. Without it, you’re always going to be playing second fiddle, and you’re not going to feel very valued. If you’ve asked yourself questions like, “Why am I not happy in my relationship anymore?”, it may be because the infatuation that has faded away has made you realize you’re not respected in this dynamic.
Related Reading: How To Know If Someone Is Right For You? Take This Quiz
10. Are you happy with how you communicate with each other?
A. Yes, we have a system and I am confident it works.
B. We are able to tell each other most things but sometimes I fear it will lead to a fight.
C. I don’t feel confident I can share things. My partner might get angry or judge me.
Are you keeping secrets from each other, or are you capable of telling each other anything without fear of being judged for it? Being able to openly communicate with your partner and reaching constructive conclusions by the end of your conversations indicates you are happy in your relationship — or at least have the potential to be.
11. Are you happy with your partner’s values?
A. Yes, I admire them for who they are. We learn from our differences.
B. There are differences but I am glad my partner is not a compulsive liar, or a murderer.
C. It is so hard to like my partner. We just don’t see eye to eye on most things.
Do your values differ to the point where you can’t even have a conversation about, say, your political ideologies or your views on life? Is one extremely religious, while the other actively avoids conversation about religion? Having different values is all right as long as you can look past them and they don’t risk the foundation of your dynamic. If you’re asking yourself, “Am I happy in my relationship?”, try to figure out if the doubts arose because of who your partner votes for.
12. Are you satisfied with your partner without wanting to change them?
A. Yes, I am. Their quirks make them who they are.
B. We are both mostly happy. And it’s good to improve a bit for each other, isn’t it?
C. If I could change everything I dislike about my partner, I would be with someone else.
Do you want to change your partner because you’d like them to behave a certain way that they’re not? Perhaps you have a problem with your partner’s love language and want them to change the way they show love but they’re just not okay with indulging in all that PDA. Do you want to change the fundamentals of each other’s personalities? Asking yourself hard-hitting questions such as these will tell you what you need to know.
13. Are you compatible with your partner?
A. We are two peas in a pod.
B. We like each other’s company. But I can’t be myself as much as I am with my best friend.
C. I wish for a different company every time I am with my partner.
If you do realize that one of you wants to change the other in some way, perhaps it’s time to ask yourself if you and your partner are even compatible. Take sex out of the equation. Can you be best friends with each other? If the answer is an astounding yes, it may be one of the best signs that indicate you are happy in your relationship. But if you are thinking, “I am not happy in my relationship but I love him”, it might be time to reevaluate what love means to you.
14. Do you deal with jealousy or insecurity effectively?
A. We talk about everything. I am sure I can tell my partner I am jealous if I felt that way.
B. We can talk about insecurities, but I am not sure if they will give me the reassurance I need. Maybe they will.
C. It’s better to not talk about jealousy or insecurity. They will make a mountain out of a molehill.
Feeling a pang of healthy jealousy when your partner gives more attention to someone other than you is extremely normal. If you find it easy to communicate this to your partner and feel confident they will reassure you in return, it indicates you are happy in your relationship. But when such incidents turn into week-long fights and make you both question the trust you have, they can indicate larger problems.
Do trust and insecurity issues linger longer than they should? Are you capable of working through them, or do they cause permanent rifts? If you’re constantly thinking things like, “I am not happy in my relationship, but I love him”, it may be because you may have some issues you need to address.
15. Does your partner make you happy?
A. Yes, I am very happy with them.
B. I am mostly happy with my partner. I wish we could talk more and resolve some of our lingering issues.
C. No, I don’t think I am happy in this relationship. I feel miserable most of the time.
Sometimes, the answer to “Am I happy in my relationship or just comfortable?” lies in the basic questions you need to ask yourself. Do you involuntarily wear a smile on your face as soon as you see your partner? Do you enjoy being with them? Or do you often talk to yourself and wonder, “Am I checked out of the relationship?”, or, “I am not happy in my relationship but I love him. Why am I not happy in my relationship anymore?”
If the idea of spending tons of quality time with your partner fills you up with joy, it indicates you are happy in your relationship. If you’d rather watch Netflix alone, however, you might have some thinking to do.
16. Do you feel loved?
A. Yes, I feel cared for. I feel my partner has my back. They value me and love me.
B. They do love me. I wish they would listen to me more.
C. No, I seek love from other people in my life.
Sure, you may say “I love you” to each other all the time, but can you ever really see your partner making an effort to show it to you? If your best friend makes you feel more validated than your partner does, you need to let them know that you don’t necessarily feel wanted.
Related Reading: 50 Signs A Girl Likes You – You Can’t Go Wrong With These!
17. Can you confidently say this relationship isn’t harming you mentally or physically?
A. Yes, of course. My partner’s presence in my life has been good for me. They uplift me. I am more confident with them.
B. My partner and I try to make each other better. But it doesn’t work. Maybe we should stop doing that and accept each other.
C. No, my partner belittles me. My self-esteem has plummeted. I am more depressed than I have ever been.
In other words, are you in a toxic relationship? If you are, you shouldn’t really be struggling to find an answer to questions like, “Am I happy in my relationship?” When a relationship turns mentally or physically abusive, it’s time to stop giving your partner any more chances and figure out how to get out of it.
Calculating The Results Of The “Am I Happy In My Relationship?” Quiz
To answer the question of whether you’re happy in your relationship or not, go ahead and tally your score from the quiz. Based on how many points you could answer “Yes” to, let’s take a look at what it means:
Mostly A’s: If you mostly picked the first option and responded with a resounding “Yes” to more than 15 of the listed points, you’re overall quite happy with the strength of your relationship. If you landed on this article because of a few common relationship problems, perhaps it’s only a minor bump along the way.
Mostly B’s: If you answered with a maybe to most of these questions i.e. picked mostly B’s, there is some work to be done for your dynamic. Don’t be disheartened, unless yours isn’t a damaging toxic relationship, your issues can be resolved with effective communication.
Mostly C’s: If you picked mostly the C’s in this quiz, responding with a “No” to most of these questions, you’re very clearly not happy with the way things are in your relationship. “Why am I not happy in my relationship anymore” is your perpetual worry. Perhaps, the best thing to do is to take some time out to think about what it is you want going forward. Once you’ve reached a decision, make sure you have the courage to follow through with it.
- Fleeting doubts over “Why am I not happy in my relationship anymore?” are perfectly normal
- You may not necessarily be unhappy; you might just not have a grasp on how to fix the communication issues in your relationship. Or you might be turning a blind eye to the more glaring signs of unhappiness
- Questions on emotional intimacy, sexual satisfaction, feeling good about the future, feeling respected, effective conflict resolution, being happy, feeling safe and loved will help you decide the level of intervention your relationship needs
- Can you confidently say your relationship isn’t harming you mentally or physically? If you are in a toxic or abusive relationship, you should immediately seek professional support and figure out how to get out of it
Through this list of questions and your score, we hope you’re able to figure out what indicates that you are happy in your relationship and what tells you you’re not. In the end, it’s important to remember that you define your own happiness, and what works for you might not necessarily be the idea of happiness that others relate to.
And if you’ve come to the conclusion that you’re currently in a not-so-happy relationship, it may not be the end of the road just yet. With a bit of excellent counseling, healing is possible. And if it’s healing you’re after, Bonobology’s multitude of experienced counselors are just a click away.