In a bad marriage and dumped by boyfriend. I’m depressed, please help.

Question:

Dear Mallika,

I have an unhappy married life since 2004. I have a 13-year-old daughter. Within one year of my marriage, my husband restarted his relationship with his ex and continued it. I get ignored. He doesn’t even look at me. I compromised for my kid.

At my parents’ house, I have always had a second place. Despite knowing all about my married life, my mother doesn’t encourage me to came back home. She wants that I adjust somehow.

One year back, unfortunately, I fell into a relationship with a man, too. He said that he was having issues with his wife. I got convinced after he shared a screenshot of his wife’s WhatsApp chat. She was demanding divorce from him. I trusted him. However, after 2 months he said that his wife is coming back and we will have to break our relationship. He showed no mercy even though I begged him to stay. We quarrelled for one week. One day I burst out and said I will put this out on Facebook and go public with it. The next day I apologised but he took this as a reason and rejected me. He got into yet another relationship. When that girl was gone he came back again to me and wanted me back. But in the last month, he said he’s going to divorce his wife and will marry someone. I have a suspicion that he’s got back to that girl again.

I am in extreme depression. I am unable to do a single thing at home, even shower. I feel am worthless. I know I have a daughter. I realise I’m rude to her most of the times. Please help!

Mallika Pathak says:

Hello,

There have been upheavals in your life and I understand why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling. An unhappy marriage coupled with one partner cheating is an extremely toxic environment to be in. I appreciate that you decided to seek help.

Regarding your relationship with the other man, my recommendation would be to let it end. It’s not going to help you emotionally to be in a relationship where there is no stability. His coming back was probably only because he had broken up with the other woman and wanted to get together with you as a rebound. Don’t invest yourself emotionally in that relationship.

Regarding the relationship with your husband, I understand that you’ve come to terms with the situation and accepted it. Keeping in mind the low social support from your immediate family in terms of accepting a separation, if you’ve made the choice of adjusting to the current situation, you can stick to it. It’s difficult to have emotions that aren’t appreciated or reciprocated by a spouse and that oftentimes leads us to seek that comfort elsewhere.

Regarding being rude with your daughter, spend time together and strengthen your relationship with her. It is important that you do so.

Before investing in another relationship, I’d recommend that you spend some time focusing on yourself. Focus on your needs, on your self-care, and your personal and professional development. Start working, if you’re not already doing so. Pick up a hobby and pursue it. Build a social support circle and work on yourself.

Looking at some of the things you’ve described your current situation, I’d recommend that you visit a mental health professional at the earliest. Feelings of worthlessness, loss of interest in daily activities, and a concern with modulation of emotions are all signs of some underlying problem. Talk to your healthcare professional or a counsellor.

Wish you the best,
Mallika