Welcome to the age of male gold diggers! And it’s high time you master the art of spotting signs a man is using you for money because times have changed and the tables have turned. You can find male gold diggers lurking in the “right” places, like predators looking for their next prey. This gold digger boyfriend could be at your favorite restaurant, a bar or shopping mall, or even in your bed. How do you know your boyfriend is not in the relationship only for the money?
Have you ever considered the possibility that your man is using you for convenience? Have you ever had doubts about his actions? Many guys only have a relationship because they are interested in the money, not in the woman. It could be any woman as long as she is bearing the expenses and showering him with gifts. Yes, as absurd as it may sound, it is the hard truth about men who use women for money.
Investing yourself emotionally in a man who is only interested in your bank balance can be a scarring experience that can leave you riddled with trust issues for life. To make sure you steer clear of this pitfall of modern dating, we’re here to shine some light on the signs a man is using you for money with insights from counseling psychologist Dwiti Vyas (Masters in Applied Psychology), who specializes in relationship challenges, communication issues, and EMDR therapy.
Signs Your Man Is Using You For Money
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What keeps your relationship going? Does your partner love you or lust for you, or is he in it for the money? Does your boyfriend appreciate your qualities or just the thickness of your wallet? If you are way more successful than your boyfriend and he is financially dependent on you, it’s imperative to keep an eye out for the characteristics of a gold digger man and assess if you can see them in your partner.
Evelyn identifies herself as one of the bold, independent women who choose to live on their own terms. After being happily single for a long time, at 35, she got back to the dating game and this time with a younger guy. Her partner would suggest romantic couples vacations and then wait for her to make the bookings. He would pay his share of the check whenever they went out for a dinner date but never paid Evelyn back.
Being an affluent woman, Evelyn didn’t notice that her boyfriend was practically living off of her. Soon enough, the bills began piling up and her credit cards maxed out. Naturally, as he started showing all the signs of an opportunist boyfriend, she had an epiphany, “My boyfriend expects me to pay for everything. It has to end somewhere; this is not sustainable at all.” This sort of behavior is not unusual in a man who is with you just for your money.
“I asked myself, do I spend more money on my boyfriend than he does on me? The answer, frankly, made me laugh. I didn’t even recall the last time he took his own card out to pay for something. By that point, I didn’t need to ponder over questions like, “Is my boyfriend using me financially?” I already knew he was,” she added.
Elaborating on the signs a man is using you for money, Dwiti says, “He doesn’t look at your face or age, he sees your bank account. And when the money stops coming, he starts walking away. His actions and behavior scream: “Money is the only love I understand.” If a man is using you for convenience, he’d go to great lengths to please you as long as it yields materialistic gains for him.
Though they may all have different personalities, the men who use women for money have one thing in common: they make their partners pay for almost everything. When a man tells you about his finances, he’s often clear and honest about them, especially in a healthy relationship. But if you’re seeing the signs of an opportunist boyfriend, he’s probably going to jump around this question as much as he possibly can to try and avoid answering it, Let’s take a look at some indications that your boyfriend is a gold digger and some signs he’s using you for money:
- Gifts are the key to happiness: You give him the best of gifts and he doesn’t shy away from asking for them…well, maybe a little (it’s part of an act). It’s one of the clear signs he is taking advantage of you financially
- Eye on your bank balance: One of the most telling signs a man is using you for money is that he keeps a keen interest in your bank balance. Early on in the relationship, he’d begin enquiring about your salary, savings, assets, and net worth. By that point, you need to ask him, “What is a male gold digger called?”
- Footing his bills: You’re somehow often paying for his car fuel or other things without even realizing it. When a man asks you for money on one pretext or the other, it’s a clear indication he sees you as a sugar momma
- Pay up, honey: You feel like he puts you in situations in which you have no option but to pay. If he conveniently forgets his wallets or brings expired credit cards to all your dates, you’re dealing with clear signs he is a gold digger
- No reciprocation: He rarely ever pulls off nice gestures for you or buys you nice gifts because he thinks you can afford them on your own. One of the tell-tale signs someone is using you for money is that they’re all about receiving and not giving anything in return
You didn’t even meet on a sugar momma dating app but your boyfriend has unofficially made you one! Chances are he is dating you for money and you are not even aware of it. The signs he sees you as a sugar momma may be right in front of you but you may be missing out on them because you’re looking at him and your relationship through love-tinted eyes.
If you’re in denial mode and you’re telling yourself, “Is my boyfriend using me financially? That can’t be the case, right?” what you need is to take a closer look at the signs he’s using you for money. Let’s get right into them, then!
Related Reading: 15 Subtle Signs Of A Manipulative Boyfriend
12 Signs You Are Dating A Gold Digger
In any healthy relationship, when a man asks you for money, he would do everything in his power to return the favor and reimburse you soon. Emily and Brad share a similar relationship dynamic. She is a bigshot investment banker supporting Brad through medical school. At times, he seeks financial help, but that has never made Emily feel like “My boyfriend is draining me financially.”
There are many relationships where men aren’t as financially secure as women, but they still put in every effort to make sure that money doesn’t become an issue in the relationship and make their partners feel loved and respected by focussing on the little things. The women in those relationships don’t have to worry about trying to answer, “How to tell if a man is using you for convenience?” since their partners have enough self-respect to make sure that they fill the void with more important aspects such as love, care, and understanding.
“When he uses you for money, something will feel amiss about the relationship. Even if your partner is around you, you still feel disconnected and he is not available when you need him emotionally. You feel something is wrong all the time. The moment you spend money on him, he feels happy and would express his love to you,” explains Dwiti.
Gold diggers might give you all of the above, but it comes with a price and that price is debited from your account. Is your boyfriend in the relationship just for money? Look out for these signs he is a gold digger to find out:
1. He initially pays for everything and then never does
He was a perfect gentleman on your initial dates. He insisted on paying for dinner and even paid for your cab fare, but as time passed and he got to know more about you and your…ahem, bank balance, you have been feeling financial stress in the relationship. Remember the times when he left his wallet in the car? How typical!
But what do you know about his financial condition? Was the money he spent on you even his own or was he borrowing from Visa to pay for Mastercard? One of the unmistakable signs a man is using you for money is that the burden of keeping the relationship afloat falls on you. It’s like spending time with him comes with a price tag.
At first, you may not mind footing the bill because money shouldn’t get in the way of love, right? However, slowly but steadily, it’ll become harder to shake off the niggling sense that you’re being exploited by your partner. If the idea of splitting or equal sharing of the expenses doesn’t exist in your relationship, it’s one of the signs he is taking advantage of you financially.
“At first, he may try to show off how rich or well-off he is and even talk about the importance of maintaining a high status in society but would ask you to pay for the bills. At the beginning of the relationship, your boyfriend may spend money on everything and even buy expensive gifts for you, but after a few months, he starts asking you to handle his expenses with the promise to return all the money. The moment you bring up settling your finances, he may threaten to end the relationship,” says Dwiti.
Even if things are not that dramatic, the message here is clear: he’s going to try and find any way to get you to pay for everything. You’ll notice awkward silences when the waiter leaves the bill on the table, or he may just ask you, “Can you get it this time? I’ll pay you later.” Of course, the “later” never comes. it’s one of the signs of an opportunist boyfriend.
2. He always has financial emergencies
How many uncles and friends of his have you helped in distress? He borrows money from you and promises to pay it back but you never see the money again. I’m sure that these close acquaintances only turn up when there is a financial emergency. Otherwise, you have never heard of them or never get to meet them either. Dating a gold digger can truly deplete you, financially and emotionally.
“My gold digger boyfriend once even went so far as to tell me his friend had gotten into an accident and he needed money desperately. As his salary for the month wasn’t credited by then, he wanted me to lend him the money. To this day I have never seen or heard of that injured friend ever again,” says Maurice, who was being fleeced by her boyfriend of 2 years.
“I never actually thought I’d be in a position where my boyfriend is draining me financially, and that’s exactly why it took me so long to spot that it was happening. Once I started taking note of all the times he ‘borrows’ money from me and the fact that I spend more money on my boyfriend than he does on me, I knew what was going on,” she adds.
Your boyfriend too may seem very concerned about the people in his life and is always ready to help them. How caring! But why does that help have to come from your pocket? These scheming ways are among the key characteristics of a gold digger man, don’t turn a blind eye to them.
Related Reading: 15 Top Signs Of A Selfish Boyfriend
3. Men who use women for money are always interested in their finances
Rather than spending quality time with you, your boyfriend prefers to talk about your finances and investments. He may give you financial advice and ask you to invest in funds you have never heard of. If that’s the case, he almost certainly has an ulterior motive that involves him profiting from the entire transaction.
Dorothy shares her experience with us, “It’s one thing when a man asks you for money. Out of empathy, we can all support our partners financially up to a certain limit. But in my relationship with Peter, it seemed like money was our love language (at least for him). If I ever doubted his investment plans or questioned how he spent the borrowed money, suddenly I was the bad guy. He would get highly defensive and storm out, probably to avoid further queries.”
Dorothy was clearly dating a romance scammer, one of those typical men who use women for money. Your boyfriend should talk about you, your goals and passions, and appreciate your qualities. After all, he is in a relationship with a person, not a bank. If he rarely does that, you can be fairly certain your boyfriend is in the relationship only for the money. Unfortunately, this is one of the signs a man is using you for money.
Dwiti explains, “Another one of the signs a man is using you for money is his undying curiosity about your finances. He wants to know the smallest financial details about you: your account balance, your property, your current expenditures. He won’t just stop at that. He’d push you to work more and demand money, asking you to manage all the expenses.”
4. He loves shopping…as long as you are paying
It took Betty some time (longer than she is proud of) to fully comprehend that her boyfriend was ripping her off. She had given him the benefit of the doubt for the sake of harmony in their relationship but how long could she turn a blind eye to his cunning tricks? Her boyfriend would take her shopping, and then, pick out three or four items for her and fill the rest of the cart with products of his choice.
The things he’d pick out would invariably be way too expensive for him to afford but he didn’t care because he knew he’d find a way to get her to pay. At the cash counter, he’d suddenly get an emergency call or find some other excuse to disappear, “Looking back at it, that’s when I should have been able to answer how to tell if a man is using you for convenience,” Betty tells us. Invariably, Betty would end up swiping her credit card. It was only a matter of time before she started feeling manipulated and realized, “My boyfriend is draining me financially.”
The signs that someone is exploiting you financially aren’t just limited to instances when a man asks you for money upfront. If he is practically living off you and you end up paying for the high life he cannot afford on his own, you have the warning signs he is a gold digger staring you in the face. Effort in a relationship has to be mutual and reciprocal on all fronts – emotional, physical, and financial.
When your partner is in it just for the money, you end up doing the lion’s share of work in keeping the relationship afloat. Here’s a general rule of thumb: if you have to ask someone, “What is a male gold digger called?” while you think of your partner, your hunch is probably right in the first place.
5. He is unemployed or lies about his job
What do you know about the person you are dating? Did you ever feel the need to double-check the facts he spills about himself? Your gold-digger boyfriend might have portrayed himself to be a successful person and you believed him without a doubt. Have you ever actually visited his office? Does he ever vent to you about an exhausting day at work or share little anecdotes about his colleagues?
When a man tells you about his finances or even his career, he’ll answer all your questions earnestly if he has nothing to hide. In your career, you have setbacks but still keep working hard to get back on track. How much effort is your boyfriend putting in to get back on his feet? Some unemployed boyfriends are like parasites and purposely do not do anything about their unemployment as long as they have girlfriends like you to pay for everything, which reeks of a codependent relationship. He could be in the relationship only for the money. Do run a background check on him and you will know the reality behind his emotional cover stories.
“Whenever you ask about his finances, he’d either ignore you or try to escape the conversation. “Why do you always want to know about my money?” “Can we talk about something else?” are the common retorts of a man who is with you for the money. He is not transparent about his job and gives inconsistent answers about his finances,” says Dwiti.
Related Reading: 11 Signs Your Husband Uses You Financially
6. Your boyfriend sees you as his ATM
Let’s pinpoint the signs he sees you as a sugar momma. It is payday and he knows it. He asks for money to pay his utilities and other expenses. He is supposed to return the money but that hasn’t happened once ever since you started dating. It’s a one-way cash flow. Whenever he needs money, you write out a check for him or take out money from the ATM and he barely even mutters a thank you.
It’s like adopting a demanding and ungrateful teenager who can always get their way by throwing a temper tantrum. He knows that whenever he wants money, you will be there to bail him out. He is using you as his ATM and his personal bank. Try saying no and see how he reacts.
“My boyfriend is a gold digger and knows the day my salary comes in. He often feels the need to come up with fancy date night ideas or go out for dinner and a movie on the same day. If sometimes I refuse, I can be sure to expect an angry outburst,” says Norah, a lawyer who has been dating an ‘aspiring artist’ for the past couple of years.
“Of course, when the bill comes, he’s always suggesting that he’ll pay his share later. By this point, I don’t even bother asking him to pay for anything because I know he won’t. My boyfriend is draining me financially and I don’t know what to do about it!” she adds,
7. Romance comes with a price
He is in a very romantic mood. Things between you two suddenly heat up and he asks you for something when you are too vulnerable to say no. The favors he asks for are always expressed in monetary terms. When he gets his way, all the romance suddenly turns cold. All his love and care will seem to vanish. Such people are just financial opportunists, looking for ways to extract money. If this isn’t one of the signs he is taking advantage of you financially, then we don’t know what is.
If you can relate to these signs of an opportunist boyfriend, take a moment to reflect on whether your relationship is worth saving and if it’s wise for you to compromise your financial security for a connection that is driven by materialistic things. In the heart of your hearts, you know the answer as do we.
8. He gets angry if you say no
Some days your gut will make you question your decision. You will ask yourself, “Should I give him money?” and you will finally decide to say no to him. When that happens, he will get angry and desperate because that was not the answer he was expecting. This is one of the signs your boyfriend is using you for money. He has understood that his magic on you is wearing off and he is not happy with it. Sometimes your gold digger boyfriend might just make up an emotional story to pull you back into his spell. Make sure that you don’t fall into his trap this time.
Cora, a 29-year-old entrepreneur says, “My boyfriend expects me to pay for everything – from dinner bills to his apartment rent –somehow it has all become my responsibility. A few months into the relationship, I noticed I am burning up my savings to provide for his luxury. That day I decided it was time for him to grow up and start paying for his own stuff. After all, I didn’t sign up for a baby who would grow as a financial burden on me. An independent, ambitious man – is that too much to ask for?”
Related Reading: How To Watch Out For The Relationship Red Flags, Expert Tells You
9. Your friends have noticed that something’s up
When people go out on double dates or a couple hangs out in a group, there aren’t often many conversations about who paid for what. People usually split the bill and forget about it. But if your friends have noticed that you’re always the one taking your card out and have actually made a comment about it, it means it’s pretty clear that they think your boyfriend is mooching off you.
If it’s a best friend, they might just blatantly tell you that they think your boyfriend never pays for anything. If it’s a regular friend, however, they’re probably going to start the conversation with, “Hey… so, what does your boyfriend do?” In all likelihood, you’re probably going to have to answer with, “Oh, nothing at the moment.” You’ve just answered, “How to tell if a man is using you for convenience.”
10. He has access to all your information and cards
If your relationship has gotten to the point where he’s using your credit cards without even telling you about it, it’s one of the clearest signs he is taking advantage of you financially, You probably can’t pinpoint the time when he started using your cards, since he probably kept telling you he’ll pay you back for whatever he was buying and you didn’t think much of it.
However, if it has now reached the point where you get messages on your phone about expenses from your account that he has made, you’re bordering – or might have even entered – a toxic relationship. When this happens, it’s to take action as quickly as you can.
11. He has no ambition to do better
Sure, he says he’ll pay you back, but how exactly is he going to do that? You’re not too sure about how his career is going at the moment, and he doesn’t seem to be too bothered about what he wants to do in life. One of the biggest signs he sees you as a sugar momma is if he is using your money to finance his life without ever taking charge of his own life.
12. He’s clingy, protective, and jealous
Once your relationship has lasted a considerable amount of time, he’s probably used to the luxuries that he can afford simply because of you. And if the life he is used to is threatened in any shape or form, he goes berserk. For example, if he sees you texting a guy he doesn’t know, it’s definitely going to turn into a jealousy-fueled-2-hour-long argument.
That’s because he’ll do pretty much anything to not let you go since you’re the literal bank in his life. If he’s overprotective, jealous, clingy, and insecure, it’s another criterion to cross off in the “Is my boyfriend using me financially?” quiz
Related Reading: 9 Signs Of Low Self Esteem In A Relationship
How to break up with a gold digger?
What to do when a guy is using you? How exactly do you get out of a relationship with a gold-digger boyfriend? The answer is simple, you rip the band-aid off and break up with him. He will beseech you to rethink your decision and try to get back on your good side or gain your sympathy.
But you must remember to be strong and not let his crocodile tears tangle you again. Stick to your guns. You have seen the signs a man is using you for money and know for a fact that he’s in this relationship for the money. So it’s time to cut him loose and look out for someone who deserves you.
“If you realize your man is using you for convenience, breaking up is the only way out from such a toxic relationship. Be honest with yourself and don’t overlook the signs a man is using you for money. It’s difficult to accept this harsh reality when you are emotionally invested in a person but it’s better to face the truth rather than live in denial or hope that one day he will change.
“Once you see the signs someone is using you for money and have made up your mind to move on from the toxic connection, don’t confront him or chase the elusive closure. In a situation like this, it’s fine not to know all the answers for the breakup (if he runs away or ghosts you) and just accept that you were in the wrong relationship with the wrong person.
“If you can’t think of what to say to end the relationship, remember, it’s ok not to confront him or offer an explanation for why you’re breaking up. Sometimes, a face-to-face confrontation can prove extremely risky if he is into drugs or alcohol consumption. Just move away physically, emotionally, and financially,” advises Dwiti on what to do when a guy is using you.
Many successful women fall into the trap of these financial opportunists. These men take advantage of a woman’s emotional vulnerability and find their way into their lives. In no time, they make their way into their finances as well. These men are able to blind a woman with their scripted love and these women fall prey to such parasites, to the point where most are not able to realize they’re in this trap without a literal “Is my boyfriend using me financially?” quiz.
Be sure to look out for these signs while you are dating, so that you can save yourself from being emotionally and financially cheated. If you think you’re currently in a relationship where you’re being exploited for your money and need help in figuring out the next steps, Bonobology’s panel of experienced therapists can help you understand what your next steps should be.