How To Know If He Loves You Or Lusts You

Dating experience | |
Updated On: November 6, 2023
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In this era of Tinder dates and casual hookups, it has become increasingly difficult to understand a person’s intentions, especially when it comes to a prospective long-term relationship. How often have you heard men plan a course of action for the purpose of a Tinder date? Movies, music and literature have taught men some techniques on how to woo a woman, but the question remains: Does he make her fall in love with him just to get inside her pants? If you are wondering the same thing and if you are looking for tell-tale signs to figure out how to know if he loves you or lusts you, then you are on the right page.

“Do you love me?” If your man can answer this without flinching, either he is a great liar or he is telling the truth. Wish all cases were that easy to crack, right? Sometimes, it’s not that easy to tell if a man is after you because his heart is gushing with love for you, or if he just wants to get into your pants. If you are not sure, look for these 10 signs on how to tell if a guy loves you or lusts you.

How To Know If He Loves You Or Lusts You – 10 Ways

While in today’s day and age, most people in serious or even casual relationships try to make their intentions clear beforehand. Not everyone is this transparent. Sometimes, the guy might just pretend to be serious because he knows that’s the only way he can woo you to bed. If your head is in a tizzy trying to figure out his emotions and you are struggling to find signs on how to know if he loves you or lusts you, read on to get a clearer picture of his intentions!

1. Does he care about you?

There is no clearer sign than care and consideration to tell the difference between love and lust. You might have had a bad day at work and prefer to stay indoors in your pajamas with no makeup on. You feel tired and he comes over with your favorite cold coffee with a shot of espresso and caramel to cheer you up. That he makes an effort to bring you something he knows you love is a pretty clear sign he cares for you and doesn’t just lust after you. In order to understand where your relationship is headed, it’s important to recognize the difference between love, lust and longing.

If your man is there for you even when there is no guarantee of sex, then it means his feelings for you run deeper than lust. It could be that he is in love with you and he longs to make you happy. He makes an effort to cheer you up when you rant about a bad day at work and he even offers advice. If your partner is caring and considerate and you are still wondering how to know if he loves you or lusts you, then read on for more clues and signs.

Related Reading: 29 Signs He Cares Deeply About You

Difference between love and lust
Holding hands

2. Family talk

This is another clear signal that he loves you rather than lusts you. If the man loves you and wants you in his life, he will tend to be more open and talk about things that matter to him. His conversation will progress from, “I once had sex in a moving train” to sharing stories about his family and showing curiosity to know about yours.

His openness about his family means he trusts you and wants to get to know you better. Soon, you are aware of his grandma’s Alzheimer’s and his second cousin’s wedding feud. And, when things get really serious, he invites you over to meet his family for Thanksgiving and soon you have his sibling’s number saved on your phone as an emergency contact for him. These are sure signs that he is probably ready to settle down.

The signs that he is lusting after you include steering clear of any family topic. He is not looking for an emotional connection, but a physical one. There’s no reason for him to want to know anything intimate about you, except what’s under your dress. If you want to know how to tell if a guy is in love or lust with you, just ask him about his family or try telling him about yours and see how he reacts. Is he all ears, or does he change the conversation each time?

3. Does he want to spend time with you?

If you want to know the difference between love and lust, think about the way he makes plans with you. When you have plans on meeting up, does he say, “Anywhere is fine” or “We can go back to my place after dinner?” If it’s all about getting you into bed then take that as a sign he is lusting after you, woman!

Spending time together could also mean chatting over the phone. He calls you during office hours when he misses you. He calls in the evenings to find out about your day and to make plans for the weekend, maybe go on a short holiday. If both of you share a physical and mental intimacy, then don’t worry about lust vs love. It could be a mix of both, and what a ride that is!

4. Talks about the future

If you are still trying to tell if the guy is in love or lust with you, ask yourself these questions. Is he planning something with you that’s a year away? Is he starting to use ‘we’ instead of ‘I’? All sure signs that he wants to stick around with you regardless of the sex. When he RSVPs, does he add you to the list as his plus 1? This is a man telling the world that you are his woman and he is serious about you. If he introduces you to his family and friends at a party, then he loves you. You feel like you are a part of his future.

However, if he’s uncertain about planning the next weekend with you, then it is one of the signs he is lusting after you. If the man you are with changes the subject when you start talking about a future together, then he is not ready for a commitment, or worse he might be a commitment-phobe. Soon, you find that he doesn’t necessarily spend his weekends with you and you feel you are more of an option to him than a partner.

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5. Post sex romance

Pay attention to body language signs a guy is lusting after you. For instance, after sex, does he turn over to his side and fall asleep? Does he seem too keen to spend the night, but not too keen to stay for breakfast? When you try to cuddle, does he grumble saying he needs his sleep? This is one of the signs he is lusting after you. The ‘get in-get out’ is definitely not an indication of love.

The difference between love and lust is that when your man loves you there will be cuddling or at least a forehead kiss. He will know your turn-on spots as well as your tickle spots. There will be pillow talk after sex and you don’t have to lie beside him wondering if it’s only sex he is after. You know he loves you when he is trying to make his woman happy in bed.

Love Vs Lust
Signs to help you decipher whether he loves you or lusts you

6. The way you fight

This might seem a strange way to tell the difference between love and lust, but how you and your partner fight and how you resolve issues informs you about his character and his intentions. So if you just had a fight and you want to determine how to know if a man loves or lusts you, check if he listens to you when you are having an argument or just yells his lungs out at you? The way you argue can indicate how he feels about you. Does he make any effort to resolve a fight? Or does he just walk away and tell you to let him know when you are done being pissed? If you want to know his intentions between love vs lust read the difference between, `I am sorry you feel this way but hear me out please,’ and `Let’s not do this please.’ If your man is always doing the latter, he is just in this for the sex. He doesn’t want any emotional or mental confrontation. He tries to dodge fights and avoids anything serious.

Also look for body language signs a guy is lusting after you. The man who loves you will find ways to make up after a fight. He will try and calm things down and he will show that he listening to you as he doesn’t want you to be vexed or worried and not because he wants sex at the end of the argument. If his body language is angry and he turns away from you, then he is not keen to try and understand you better.  Just observing his body language should answer your question, `How to tell if a guy is in love or lust with me?’

7. Let his eyes do the talking

In the legendary words of Scarface, “The eyes Cico. They never lie.”

Is he a man who is sometimes intimate and caring and at other times distant? You are slightly confused and wondering how to tell if a guy is in love or lust with me? If you want to know the difference between love and lust, focus on his eyes. When in love the eyes do the talking. Does he look at you with tenderness in his eyes? Is his stare so gentle and loving that you melt in his gaze?

Or, does he look at you with only desire in his eyes? You know the look, like he’s almost undressing you with his eyes. If these are the only looks he gives you, they are signs he is lusting after you. A man who loves you will also desire you. Sometimes you see that sexual look in his eyes and it turns you on. Other times, he looks at you fondly and with admiration, appreciating your dress, your hair, your beauty. This is a man who loves you.

Related Reading: Flirting With Your Eyes: 11 Moves That Almost Always Work

8. Unconditional attraction

One of the signs to tell if he loves you or lusts you is by paying attention to his words and behavior when you are having a bad hair day or not looking your best. Maybe you have stopped going to the gym and are putting on some weight around your belly and thighs and you are beginning to wonder how to tell if a guy is in love or lust with me? When you are together does he start paying attention to other women, or is he still into you?

His reaction to how you look will indicate if he is with you for your looks and only lusts after you. Or, does he stay with you no matter how you look, good days and bad, then he loves you.

Does he like me quiz

9. Look for signs of jealousy

Some of your friends might suggest that if you want to figure out how to know if a man loves or lusts you, then try and make him jealous. This is a tricky emotion and one has to play with it carefully. You don’t want to chase him away. You just want to know how to tell if a guy is in love or lust with you.

You could try this simple trick. Tell your man about a past relationship and gauge his interest and his reaction. Is he asking you more questions, or is he not bothered by what you are sharing with him? Try to analyze his reaction. If he seems a little uncomfortable discussing this topic, yet curious, and you can sense hints of jealousy in his voice, then he might be in love with you. On the other hand, if a man lusts after you, he will not show any signs of jealousy.

Related Reading: Can Healthy Jealousy Help You Build Stronger Relationships?

10. Does he open up easily with you?

A man in love with you will be an open book in front of you. He will share his dreams and desires with you and talk to you about his feelings. This is because he’s not just looking to you for physical intimacy but emotional intimacy as well. The signs that he is lusting after you will mean he does not crave emotional intimacy from you. He just wants to get into your pants. 

You will sense an easy rapport with a man who is open, caring and considerate. As mentioned above, he will talk to you about his family and his background. He will invite you to meet his friends and take you to his favorite haunts. There’s no hidden agenda with him. In fact, you could encourage and build emotional intimacy by asking your partner certain questions. 

These 10 points are a guideline to better understand how to know if a man loves or lusts you. Most of all, do not forget to follow your gut instincts. At the end of the day, we are complex human beings, so figure out where on the spectrum his love and/or lust for you lie. Most important, ask yourself what it is that you want from the relationship? Is it love, or lust, or both?

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