“I know this one guy who really likes my girlfriend and I can see that his crush on her is still very strong. I tell my girlfriend not to speak to him but come out as possessive and silly. Please help,” a reader wrote to Bonobology. Our experts told him that he must be extremely careful while dealing with this delicate situation or he will seem controlling and might put her off totally. The expert suggested that he should learn to trust her unless he has found solid evidence not to.
Jealousy and insecurity in a relationship are normal but to an extent. When your girlfriend talks to other guys, most will feel a bit jealous and wouldn’t know what to do about it. But talking to other guys while in a relationship is normal.
It isn’t out of the ordinary for most guys to say and feel things like “I get jealous when my girlfriend talks to other guys!” or “How to trust my girlfriend around others?” Some even start feeling anxious when their girlfriend goes out and interacts with other men. But how should you deal with these feelings? First, let’s get to the root of these feelings.
What Causes Insecurity And Jealousy In A Relationship?
If you’re constantly thinking “my girlfriend is talking to another guy a lot” and worried about it, there’s a good chance that your feelings stem from insecurities. When you have self-esteem issues, your girlfriend talking to a male coworker or friend might just leave you questioning her commitment, even when there’s no reason to.
The relationship you have with yourself can often dictate the relationships you have with those around you. If you’re not sure of yourself and struggle with insecurities, it’s possible you might end up saying something like “my girlfriend is talking to another guy behind my back” even if she was just texting her platonic best friend. There are many reasons for insecurity and jealousy to exist in a relationship. It could be because:-
- Sense of self: You suffer from a lack of self-confidence and low self-esteem
- Exposure to infidelity: You have consciously/subconsciously witnessed infidelity around you as you were growing up
- Too good to be true: You feel that your partner is better than you and you will lose her to someone else
- Past traumas: Past traumas like losing a loved one can also give you a sense of insecurity
- Brush with failure: Perhaps you have had some recent failure, which is making you question your worthiness as a partner
Whatever the reason be, remember you must deal with the feelings of jealousy and insecurity in a healthy manner. If you don’t, it can poison your relationship. The issues you have with yourself can manifest into your relationship, leading to an unhealthy dynamic.
So if you’re thinking things like “my girlfriend is talking to another guy a lot,” take a moment to consider if it’s just your anxious mind that’s making you dream up nightmare scenarios of being cheated on or if there is actually something about the way she interacts with this guy that warrants suspicion. It’s always good practice to not come rushing to a conclusion and think about what might be causing your feelings.
Signs of unhealthy jealousy in a relationship can creep up seemingly out of nowhere. One day you may be completely at peace with your relationship, the next, every guy she talks to suddenly becomes a “threat”. Thoughts like “she talks to other guys in front of me” might make your anxiety skyrocket and cause you to get in arguments with your girlfriend that you could’ve easily avoided.
5 Probable Reasons Your Girlfriend Talks To Other Guys
It’s possible that your girlfriend is just an extrovert and enjoys talking to other guys as she talks to girls. This might make you insecure. You have no issues with her being over-friendly to girls, then is her talking to guys an issue, you ask yourself.
Perhaps in your head, all the warning bells are ringing. A million questions race through your mind, some of them being along these lines: My girlfriend talks to other guys behind my back. Should I get mad if my girlfriend talks to other guys? Or why does my girlfriend talk about other guys in front of me? I get jealous when she talks to other guys. Is it wrong to ask my girlfriend to stop talking to someone? She likes me but talks to other guys!
We’ve all been there. We’ve all let that fleeting suspicion get the better of us, leaving us with more questions than answers. By the end of this article, all your questions of whether you should be worried or whether you’re overthinking will be answered. To put your mind at ease, here are 5 probable reasons your girlfriend talks to other guys:
Related Reading: 10 important components of trust in a relationship
1. She is trying to make you jealous
Sometimes talking to other guys is just a stunt that girlfriends pull off to get your attention. They want you to pay more attention to them, especially if you haven’t been prioritizing her for some reason of late. They want you to stick around them more often. This is like reverse psychology, but not without hints of manipulation sprinkled in.
She will casually mention some guy sending her a good morning message often or checking her out at a party. She may also act charming to a guy whenever you are around, and so on. Learn to see these signs and see if they happen in front of you or otherwise too. You can always ask one of your trusted friends to help you with this. Sometimes they can give you an objective view of the situation.
2. She’s not that much into you
Your girlfriend may not be as serious as you are in the relationship. She might be using your relationship as a cover until she finds someone else or she may not be ready for a commitment yet. You are perhaps just a backup boyfriend to her.
It’s not the nicest thing to hear and definitely not the best way to find out that your girlfriend may not really be that into you, but sometimes it can, unfortunately, be the case. Is it okay for your girlfriend to talk to other guys? Absolutely, but if you’re being kept on the hook and she talks to the guys more than she talks to you, you might need to start thinking about a few things.
The warning bells should be ringing when you are saying, “My girlfriend talks to other guys more than me.” If that really is the case, it’s definitely a cause for concern.
3. She doesn’t respect you
Imagine you both going to a party and she leaves you to flirt with other guys. She doesn’t even care that you are also at the party. This is an indication that she doesn’t respect you and your presence doesn’t mean much to her.
If this happens once, it’s nothing some communication can’t solve. But if this is how things go at every party, then she doesn’t have much respect for you and you need to put some thought into your relationship. In some cases, she might even truly love you and wish to cause you no harm, but a lack of respect will invariably cause you harm.
4. She wants to have control over you
Sometimes, girlfriends talk to other guys and flirt with them to mess with you. They want you to feel insecure so that you start valuing them more. She wants to have more power over you by invoking the fear that you can lose her to other guys. This is a classic controlling strategy that girls use over guys.
Most times, this is often seen in narcissistic personalities. They might be looking to exercise some control over your actions by keeping you worried about other men potentially taking your place. When manipulation tactics like these are employed, you don’t even need to worry about things like “how to trust your girlfriend with other guys.” Instead, think about what you can do to save yourself from her conniving, controlling ways.
Related Reading: 13 Signs Of A Controlling Woman To Watch Out For
5. It’s in your head
Sometimes we tend to just overthink things and ruin our relationship(s). Your girlfriend is an extrovert and feels more comfortable in the company of guys. She may not be a person who makes girls their best friends. It may just be her nature. In fact, this might really be the case in most of these situations. Only you may not be able to recognize that her interactions with other guys are harmless, since an anxious mind can’t think of anything but the worst-case scenario.
Any guy she’s talking to MUST be a potential lover and she sees him as a love interest, right? You’ve got to remind yourself that that’s what you think, not necessarily what she might be thinking. One interesting fact about this millennial generation is that they can be close friends with people from the other gender without feeling romantic or any such amorous emotions. You must learn to have faith.
10 Things To Do When Your Girlfriend Talks To Other Guys
It is important not to let your jealousy and insecurity get the better of you, you must overcome your insecurity. If you want to do something about your girlfriend talking to other guys, you need to keep your calm first and handle it maturely.
If you don’t, you could turn into an over-possessive boyfriend and this jealousy could turn into an obsession. Before you know it, you may be needlessly fretting over “my girlfriend’s talking to another guy behind my back” when she’s actually just texting a coworker to cover her shift, so she can spend more time with you. Don’t be the guy who stalks his own girlfriend’s social media handles all day, overanalyzing every like and comment she gets from a male friend.
So, how can you tell if your girlfriend is flirting with another guy? What to do when your girlfriend talks to other guys? We have 10 things.
1. Accept how you feel
The first step is to make peace with how you feel. Don’t avoid jealousy or try to cover it up. It is normal to feel jealous at times. Accept how you are feeling and tell your girlfriend that you do feel a bit jealous and ignored when she talks to another guy. At first, she might give you a look that screams out, “What’s wrong with you?”
But if you’re able to communicate your feelings better, she’ll understand where you’re coming from as well. Think about which is better, going behind her back and spying on her or telling her about how you feel so that it can be dealt with? Spending all your time on her social media handles is exhausting, and it’ll send your mental health for a toss.
2. Anger will have you spending the next Valentine’s Day alone
Don’t jump to conclusions that your girlfriend is cheating on you and start accusing her of it. Think with a cool head even if your emotions are running amok. If you get angry the minute your girlfriend pulls out her phone, assuming she’s texting a guy, you’re going to develop unnecessary anger issues that’ll take you years to get over.
Calm down, sailor. It might just be the UPS delivery guy who’s completely lost, asking her for directions. When the thought “my girlfriend is talking to another guy a lot” is constantly running through your mind, even the UPS guy can be your number one nemesis.
If you feel like confronting her, do it calmly, by asking her, instead of accusing. Express your concerns and let her address them. Listen to her patiently and with an open mind and heart. Remember that you’re trying to crease out the issues of your relationship, not make them worse.
3. Don’t stop believing in your relationship
Instead of worrying about the other guys in her life, you need to focus on your relationship with her. Focusing on other people will only drive you farther from her. Pay more attention to her and take care of her like you used to. Accept your feelings but don’t let them hamper the love you have for her. Just because “my girlfriend is talking to another guy a lot” is always worrying you doesn’t mean you should completely give up on the relationship
Keep your relationship fun. Do things to make her happy by giving her surprises. Have deep discussions. Build a stronger foundation. Even if she is possibly texting other guys to check out any potential lovers, prove to her that the one she has right now is the cream of the crop.
Related Reading: 20 Things To Do To Make Your Girlfriend Happy
4. Likewise, don’t stop believing in yourself
As said earlier, most of the jealousy and insecurity come with low self-esteem. You might be feeling so because you feel that your partner is more talented and attractive than you. It’s okay to have these thoughts since they’re completely normal but don’t let them have control over you.
Keep your chin up, you bring a lot more to the table than you realize. If you’re wondering how to trust your girlfriend with other guys, the answer lies in bettering yourself to the point where you’re happy with the person you are. When you believe in yourself, it’ll be easier to see why your girlfriend believes in you and why she wants to stay monogamous with you.
Remember, your partner chose you over all those charming men that were after her. It’s because she’s in love with you and wants to be with you. Believe in yourself and trust your relationship.
5. Don’t try to control her if your girlfriend talks to other guys
If she is talking to other guys, don’t try to tell her to stop talking to them. She knows her boundaries. Trying to control her actions will only make you the bad guy and she will lose respect for you. Plus, if she does flirt and be sexual with other guys despite knowing how much it’ll hurt you, she’s doing you a favor by telling you she’s not the person you should invest your time and trust in.
By controlling her, you will just portray yourself as an obsessive boyfriend. Don’t be that person. Every person has a personality. If she is the gregarious kind, accept her the way she is. Do not tell her what to do and how to talk. It will put her off.
You fell in love with the person you met, not the person you want her to turn into as per your whims and fancies. Don’t attempt to change her, it’s a violation of her privacy as well. Make peace with the “my girlfriend’s talking to another guy behind my back” reality. If she’s loyal, she won’t hurt you.
6. Try to understand your feelings
It is important to first understand and identify why you feel jealous or bad when your girlfriend talks to other guys. Think about the times you felt bad and understand which parts triggered you the most. If your girlfriend is talking to other guys behind your back and not telling you about it, then you have a right to feel hurt and anxious.
But if she is doing it openly, it may be because she knows that you trust her and she can be herself in front of you. Ask yourself, which parts are affecting you the most, and try to understand the reason for your jealousy. It may not be about her, it could be about something related to you and your past relationships.
7. Try to balance your life
Sometimes, partners get so involved in their relationship, that they don’t have a life outside their relationship. They are used to doing everything with their partner, even things as small as doing laundry together. Clingy behavior ruins relationships. It is important for you to have a life out of your relationship too. Remember who you were before the relationship. Pursue your hobbies. Go out with other friends. This will help reduce your insecurity.
8. Put yourself in your girlfriend’s shoes
Think about the reasons that would have led your girlfriend to talk to other guys. The way you see a situation might not be the same as your girlfriend. Think about how your girlfriend sees the situation. For example, if your girlfriend is talking to her ex, you might be thinking that she wants to get back with him. But if he’s still her friend, she might just be there for him as a friend.
9. Stay in the present
There could have been times in the initial stages of the relationship when your girlfriend wasn’t sure about her feelings and started flirting with other guys. As the relationship progressed, she may have become surer of her future with you and stopped keeping her options open.
Accept and acknowledge that change. It will help you see that the insecurities of the past may be triggering your present. Don’t bring up the past to justify the present fears. Your girlfriend is now a changed person. Trust her. Talk to her about it instead of thinking of her as a cheater.
10. Talk to her if your girlfriend talks to other guys
Communication is the key to a healthy relationship. If you’re not comfortable with your girlfriend talking to other guys, talk to her about it. Tell her why it is affecting you so much and how you feel. Your girlfriend will understand and start paying more attention to you. Sometimes, simple things like an honest conversation are enough to solve such a problem.
The most important thing is to trust your girlfriend and build a strong foundation. Those guys may not mean anything at all. Don’t start investigating as it will ruin your relationship when she finds out. Pay attention to your girlfriend and focus on making the relationship healthier rather than thinking about the guys she is talking to. Trust yourself and your relationship.