How To Get An Avoidant To Chase And Miss You

Relationship Advice | | , Senior Editor & Correspondent
how to make an avoidant miss you

Avoidant people tend to stall and ignore others. So if you have caught feelings for someone like that, and are wondering how to get an avoidant to chase you, you have come to the right place. The only way to get an avoidant person to show interest in you is to convince them that it’s safe to approach you or meet you halfway. There is a slight chance that you may have to play hard to get while learning how to get a fearful avoidant to chase you. 

But before we understand how to get an avoidant to chase you, we need to understand why people with avoidant attachment style are the way they are. Avoidant individuals steer away from people as they feel misunderstood or are scared of committing to a relationship. However, when a person makes them feel accepted, they may allow themselves to feel attracted to you. It is all about creating a safe space. 

What Is The Avoidant Attachment Style?

If you have gallivanted across the internet wondering why your relationship has developed problems, you may have come across attachment theory. This theory is about how dependent partners are on each other – it is a spectrum. The avoidant style is at the far end of this spectrum and is negatively associated with relationship satisfaction, according to a study recorded in the National Library of Medicine

An avoidant person’s attachment types are self-sufficient, independent, and seldom uncomfortable with intimacy. In short, they are gamophobes – fearful of commitment or marriage. They will feel suffocated when they feel closeness. It is also possible that they’ll feel paranoid that you’re trying to trap them. Avoidant attachment style could be observed in just about anyone with some unresolved childhood issues. If you are crushing on someone like this, allow us to teach you something about how to get an avoidant to trust you. 

How To Get An Avoidant To Chase You – 10 Best Ways

When figuring out how to get an avoidant to chase you, it is imperative to know that they will have their exit plan set up in every relationship. The key is to keep them engaged enough that they do not think of their exit doors. Also, while working on how to get a fearful avoidant to chase you, learn to be patient. The art of convincing lies in how patient you stay in the process. If you really like them, it may just be worth it. Here are some ways to get them to pursue you.

1. Should you chase an avoidant? No.

The first lesson when it comes to learning about how to get an avoidant to chase you is to stop running behind this person, who is slightly paranoid of commitments. It is important as avoidants seldom feel misunderstood. They isolate themselves with a lot of apprehensions. Consider it a balloon filled with emotions. Chasing might be a needle that will burst it and startle the avoidant.

It may be difficult for you to not go after someone you like. However, restraint is the key here. So the answer to ‘should you chase an avoidant?’ is a definite no. This way, you give them time to realize that something is missing in their life. Allow them to feel the lack of a relationship – it is a sign that this commitment-phobe loves you. Moreover, if you have a partner who has distanced themselves from you, don’t try to bridge the gap. Because this is how you can get an avoidant ex to chase you!

2. Boost their ego while getting an avoidant to chase you

A person with an avoidant attachment style might deal with issues like low self-esteem and poor self-confidence. This could be a big reason that they are avoiding you as they may think that you are out of their league. If you find such a nervous person, who smiles and looks keen around you, you may want to encourage them to talk to you (if you like them, of course). Boost their ego by giving them compliments. After all, compliments make men happy and women, ecstatic! Make them feel confident and safe around you – that’s a small tip on how to get a fearful avoidant to chase you.

Sasha, who works at an edutech firm, figured out that her colleague Hans liked her. However, he was often nervous. “He would always find a reason to be around. Never creepy, but always nervous. He is a cute guy. So, to see if we had any potential, I started complimenting him. It opened him up to me a little bit. We started sitting together in the cafeteria and I discovered him beyond his shy exterior. We are going on our first date soon. This is how to get an avoidant man to chase you – hehe!” she said.

how to get an avoidant ex to chase you
Hobbies are your key if you are wondering how to get an avoidant to trust you

3. Be mysterious while dealing with an avoidant personality

An important tip on how to get an avoidant to chase you is about suffering and endurance. This is because an avoidant person is slow – they take their time to express when they like you. They prefer to know you piece by piece. Having said that, if you are on a date with such a person, don’t bombard them with the stories of your past. Let there be room for some mystery.

Once you are sure that you know each other well, then you can be vulnerable. Again, don’t just take off with a bundle of stories. Talk about a few things here and there. It will give them room to think of you. It will make them feel that they are making true progress with you. An avoidant person may like this challenge of solving your mysteries. You will occupy their mind. Now you know how to make an avoidant miss you. 

Related reading: Avoidant Attachment: Causes And How it Affects Relationships

4. How to get an avoidant to chase you: Do things together

An avoidant’s empty mind is a devil’s workshop (that is true for everyone though). They will overthink and doubt themselves, creating the need to self-isolate. If you are in a relationship with such a person, you may want to yank them out for a hike or engage them in creative things. Figure out a list of things couples should do together. This is also a tip on how to get an avoidant to trust you back. 

Shared activities can benefit the mind in more than one way. It could teach valuable lessons in dependency and space – depending on the type of activity. Something like a hike can rejuvenate the thought process. Creative activities can help you explore unfamiliar aspects of each other. In conclusion, hobbies are your key if you are wondering how to get an avoidant to trust you.

5. Use relaxed body language to make an avoidant comfortable

If you relax around avoidant personalities, they may feel safe and secure around you. It shows that you are receptive to them and, if you are intending to, it may show them that you are dropping hints. These body cues are more welcoming for avoidants than words – communication might not be their forte due to anxiety. Moreover, they keenly analyze their date’s body language.

When you are trying to gauge how to get a dismissive avoidant to chase you, you may want to keep the following body language pointers in mind – lean in slightly when you talk, keep shoulders relaxed, make eye contact, and face them with your feet. You could also do some light arm touching and mirror their movements. 

6. Wait for them to call you

If you have been wanting to know how to get an avoidant ex to chase you, play the waiting game. Let this person be distant. The time may allow them to meditate on you and your relationship. Even if they are pulling away, there will be a good chance that they harbor a soft corner for you. When they miss you too much, they might get afraid of losing you, give in, and finally call you.

The waiting chapter of our ‘how to get an avoidant to chase you’ manual, however, can be a little daunting. You may feel tempted to call or give in. Just remember that chasing after them will make them go in another direction. So busy yourself with hobbies and practice a routine for yourself. 

Related reading: 20 Simple Ways To Make A Guy Miss You

7. Pro-tip on how to get an avoidant to chase you: look your best

There was never a better answer to the ‘how to get a dismissive avoidant to chase you’ question – pamper yourself. Go out on a shopping spree, get a new hairstyle, or a full parlor glow-up. Muse on outfit ideas for a first date. Your attractive looks may just pique an avoidant’s interest. If you are trying to figure out how to get an avoidant man to chase you, you may want to wear comfortable clothing around them – it is among the signs that you like your crush.

However, do not indulge in your looks only to secure attention from an avoidant. Work on your appearance so that you feel confident – the avoidant person should feel blessed to be around you. If they observe that you’re garnering attention from others, it may motivate them to reach out to you.

Related reading: How The Future Of Relationships And Dating Is Expected To Change In The Next 10 Years

8. Don’t be too eager about the future while dating avoidants

In the dating guide on how to get an avoidant to chase you, talking about the future is not even a footnote. Avoidants are not good when it comes to talking about significant life changes. If you are too eager, they may try to escape the relationship. It will be prudent to not drop bombs like moving in together or wedding.

While I understand that this might be frustrating for you, who may be looking forward to a future with your partner, with an avoidant, you have to take it slowly. The desire for change has to come from ‘them’. What you can do is subconsciously let them know that you are ready. Take them as your plus one for weddings and receptions. Be happy about the occasion. They might register your happiness and start thinking about the future – who knows?

9. Reduce social media usage while chasing an avoidant person

Avoidant personas are attracted to people who do not put their whole life on social media. Avoidant folks are private and do not appreciate their pictures being posted online. So if you are on a date, do not post anything about it – not your pictures, not even the setting’s pictures. Live in the moment. An avoidant person may appreciate it fully.

Moreover, absence from social media can also help you build a mystery around yourself. An avoidant person, who may want to know you more through a bit of social media, may get nothing, thus building their curiosity. Also, your absence can make them grow fonder of you – this is a sign that no-contact rule is working. They may want more of you – this is how to make an avoidant miss you (wink!).

10. Tell them how they make you feel

When trying to work out how to get an avoidant to chase you, it is necessary to communicate openly – to let them know what is working for you. Avoidant persons may isolate themselves when they think they are soiling the relationship. If you think this is happening, tell them what you value about them or highlight the things they do that make you smile. 

When they feel adequate, they will be more open to the idea of going forward into the relationship with you. Let them know that you enjoy their company and that they have created a safe space for you. You could also subtly acknowledge the sweet nothings and small favors that they do for you – a simple smile or ordering your favorite drink while you are together. 

All said, patience and restraint are the keys should you chase an avoidant. And always remember, that while learning how to get an avoidant to chase you, do not try to change them. Just love them – their flaws and their quirks. Unconditional love – the kind that does not expect much in return – can help them open up to you. Be patient with them. They will come to you when they are ready.


1. What to do when an avoidant pushes you away?

When an avoidant pushes you away, ask how you can support them. There is a high chance that they are ignoring you due to apprehension. Maybe they need a little more communication or a little more physical reassurance to feel more secure with you. At the same time, avoid over-assurance and cultivate patience. And if they ask for space, respect that.

2. Do avoidants ever chase?

They do not chase. They may be curious about you, but an avoidant person will never make a grandiose effort for you. A person with an avoidant attachment style usually finds it difficult to change on their own. Some manage to alter the way they cope and how they form attachments after therapy.

3. How do I get an avoidant to commit?

Patience is the key. Don’t rush anything. Go on dates, tell them that you appreciate them. Be a little mysterious. Make them curious about you, and then you can take it from there. 

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Insecure Attachment Style In Relationships: Causes & How To Overcome

Attachment Styles Psychology: How You Were Raised Affects Relationships

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