“My husband is a very horny person and he wants sex all the time.” That is how a Reddit user begins her long rant on her husband who wants sex “regardless of her energy.” Someone in the comment section says, “He needs to grow up (…),” but we are sure you want a better solution than that to figure out how to deal with a sexually demanding husband.
Sexual incompatibility is extremely common and can reflect in your relationship in various ways. Is your husband asking for too much sex? Or is he asking for sex of a different kind? Are your kinks incompatible? If you often say to yourself, “My husband feels entitled to my body,” you are pointing to a different problem: a complete lack of respect and consent.
The solution to these issues is neither easy nor straightforward, but we will try to cover as many of them as possible. Regardless, we want you to know that this is not a unique, unsolvable mystery of a problem and that you are not alone. Let us take this head on, one question at a time.
Is It Normal For A Man To Want Sex Every Day?
Table of Contents
As per a YouGov survey, which had a sample size of around 1000 individuals (half of whom were males), 5% of males ‘had’ sex every day, while 18% ‘wanted to have’ sex every day. What is also interesting is that 3% of women too ‘had’ sex every day and 9% ‘wanted to have’ sex every day. The survey clearly indicates that wanting to have sex every day is not rare at all. A guy may want sex every day, especially if he is young and has a high sex drive. In fact, many factors can affect a person’s sex drive. They are:
- Age: The younger the person, the higher their sex drive
- Hormones: Increased testosterone levels cause high libido
- Mental and physical health: Exercise and a good diet affect libido positively, while sleep deprivation, anxiety, and depression, do the opposite
- Emotional health: A man may crave sex both as a distraction from stress and anxiety, i.e., for stress relief, as well as as a medium for a connection with a partner and to express love
These factors could also be driving your husband’s high sex drive, in which case it’s completely normal. However, what is important here is the question, “How does the sex drive seem to affect him?” Does his libido make him dysfunctional in any way, interfering with his daily life? Is he constantly pestering you to have sex, taking it personally if he doesn’t get his way? Does he not respect your sexual boundaries? If yes, then your husband’s hyperactive sex drive might be a problem.
Related Reading: Sexual Compatibility – Meaning, Importance And Signs
Why do men want sex so often?
Even though the frequency of sexual desire varies widely among individuals of any gender, it’s easy to make this broad generalization that men want more sex. There are certain factors that contribute to this perception. Let us have a look at them:
- Biological factors: The hormone testosterone fuels sex drive. Men have a remarkably higher average level of testosterone than women
- The evolutionary perspective: There is an assumption that men are driven by the desire to spread their genes
- Social and cultural factors: Men may behave in response to the notions propagated by society as to what is the ‘normal’ and ‘expected’ behavior of a ‘man’
- Peer pressure: A man might actively be at the receiving end of peer pressure from his immediate social circle, which could be shaping his sexual demands
It’s crucial to recognize that men, like women, are diverse in their desires, needs, and motivations. Assuming that all men want sex frequently oversimplifies the complexity of human sexuality. It’s also important to communicate openly and honestly with partners about sexual desires and expectations to ensure a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship.
What sexual expectations in marriage are normal?
A study on normal sexual frequency states having sex once a week is enough and that ‘more’ may not always mean better. Another study, published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, says the average American adult has sex 53 times each year, or a little more than once per week.
However, sexual desires and preferences will vary from person to person, which is why it is neither right nor accurate to generalize a number to find out the right sexual expectations in marriage. Just because these studies say that once a week should be enough, it doesn’t make your partner crazy for feeling horny every two days.
Do you keep wondering, “How many times do married couples make love?” or “How often do happy couples have sex?” These are not easy questions to answer. A happy, healthy marriage may have nothing to do with the number of times a couple has sex. Marital crisis arises when one partner needs sex more often than the other, making the ‘demander’ feel rejected for wanting sex and not receiving it and the ‘rejector’ feeling guilty that they may not be providing their partner enough physical pleasure and feeling scared that it may cause the unsatisfied partner to leave them or cheat.
Therefore, it might be helpful to avoid focusing on what is ‘normal’. What is not normal is for couples to have no recourse to this agony of a mismatch in their sexual expectations. We advise that you stop focusing on what level of sexual expectations in marriage is ‘normal’, and instead work toward creating a healthy open channel of communication with your partner and finding the right number that works for you. But how? We will come to that very soon.
Signs You Have A Sexually Demanding Husband
At this stage, you might be doubting if your partner is behaving normally. You might also be wondering if this is only a case of mismatched libidos or you have on your hand what one should call a ‘sexually demanding husband’. There are some signs that can guide you toward the right conclusion. Recognizing signs of heightened sexual interest can allow you to take the right steps to resolve any misunderstandings, help you establish clear boundaries, and facilitate discussions around mutual satisfaction and fulfillment to build a healthy relationship.
You must keep in mind that some of these signs are not lone indicators that your husband’s sexual desire is unreasonable. These signs work in combination with other signs for a more accurate conclusion:
- Initiating sex frequently: Your spouse frequently initiates sexual activities or conversations about them. This indicates a higher level of interest in sexual intimacy
- Persistent arousal: There are signs of physical arousal and you just can not ignore them. Frequent erections or prolonged periods of being sexually aroused may suggest heightened sexual needs. He may also indulge in frequent self-stimulation or masturbation as he seeks an outlet for his needs
- Suggestive language: He uses explicit and suggestive language. This may be in private or public settings, revealing his increased focus in sexual matters and his desire for physical intimacy. He may regularly be engaging in conversations or discussions revolving around sexual topics, preferences, and fantasies, signaling a high libido and demand
- You feel the pressure for experimentation: If your sexually demanding husband consistently expresses a strong interest in trying new sexual positions, fantasies, or experiences, it may cause you to feel the pressure to indulge him sexually more than you would if left to your own desires. He may not just be interested in increased frequency but also in variety
- High focus on physical attraction over emotional connection: A sexually demanding guy will place a strong emphasis on physical appearance and attractiveness, than on emotional connection. He will compliment or comment on your looks much more regularly than focus on your emotional bond and the values you two share
- Unilateral decision-making in intimacy-related matters: Making unilateral decisions about sexual activity, without considering your feelings or preferences, may indicate a disregard for mutual consent and an increased focus on his personal sex life
- Expressing sexual frustration through aggression: If your partner shows aggression toward you, violates you, ignores your sexual boundaries, uses manipulation in the relationship to coerce you into fulfilling his needs, such as emotionally blackmailing you, shaming you, threatening to leave, cheat, or assault (the list is endless), it’s a clear non-negotiable sign that your husband is not only sexually demanding. In fact, this could be lead to a case of marital rape, and you must prioritize protecting yourself
NOTE: Many wives will complain, “My husband forces me to do things.” That is not okay! Here is a quick answer to many similar queries related to horrible things some women complain about:
- My husband pressures me sexually. Is that okay? NO.
- My husband touches me when I’m sleeping. Is that okay? NO.
- My husband is too sexually aggressive. Is that normal for a man? NO.
- My husband wants oral sex every day. Is that normal? NO.
- My husband wants me to sleep with another man. Is that okay? NO, unless you want it too.
- My husband wants a threesome. Is that okay? NO. Unless you too want it.
- Can a wife say ‘no’ to her husband? YES.
Related Reading: 11 Things To Do When Someone Treats You Badly In A Relationship
11 Ways To Deal With A Sexually Demanding Husband
I am hoping it must now be clear(er) to you if your husband is unreasonably horny or if he is just a more sexual person. You must now be thinking of the next steps. Dealing with a sexually demanding husband or not, your relationship requires opening channels of communication, setting clear boundaries, and maintaining mutual respect. If you have been wondering how to get in sync with your partner sexually, here are 11 ways to do so:
1. It’s time for introspection
Before you reach out to your partner (you know we will advise you to do that at some point), you need to find out where exactly you are in terms of the relationship. You can begin by answering these questions for yourself:
- Do you find your husband attractive? This might be helpful if your complaint is “I don’t want to sleep with my husband”
- If not, what do you think may have caused you to lose interest?
- What do you find attractive in a man?
- What is your ideal sex routine?
- Does intimacy in general make you uncomfortable? Do you have intimacy issues?
- Are you asexual? (It is completely all right to be so!)
- Does your partner make you feel respected in other areas of your life?
- If you say, “My husband is obsessed with me sexually,” can the sexual attention be considered flattering? Or is it bordering on being disrespectful?
Related Reading: The 7 Types Of Boundaries In Relationships For A Stronger Bond
2. Physical intimacy vs sex: Is that the root of your problems?
It is common to confuse ‘physical intimacy’ with ‘sexual intimacy,’ which could be the cause behind your relationship woes. Physical intimacy can include non-sexual physical touch, such as cuddling, holding hands, kissing, stroking, ruffling hair, hugging, sleeping with backs or feet touching, and so much more. Our most important advice is to spend time together understanding the difference.
Do you often say to yourself, “My husband wants to be with me all the time,” or ask, “Why is my husband only interested in me sexually?” What if your sexually demanding husband is seeking physical intimacy and knows no other way to seek it? He has what is called as the physical touch love language, but he doesn’t have the emotional maturity of thinking beyond groping you or teasingly hitting your butt. We are not saying he is right, but noting this as the problem can be a great starting point.
Similarly, you too could be misreading his signals, especially if you suffer from intimacy issues. When he pulls you closer, he may not be asking for sex. Or he may be expressing his sexual fantasies because he wants to know yours. However, you are the best judge of your circumstances and feelings. If his behavior is making you uncomfortable, you need to talk to him.
Related Reading: The 8 Commandants Of Open Communication In A Relationship
3. Have an open dialogue
Women often ask, “Why is my husband only interested in me sexually?” Your spouse can answer that best. Once you feel more confident about your thoughts, initiate an honest conversation. You can use this opportunity to express your feelings, needs, and concerns regarding the frequency of sexual activity and the tension and stress that has built up in your relationship. If you have been feeling pressured, or if he is making you feel guilty, tell him so, instead of engaging in mercy sex. Sharing your perspective can help him understand your point of view.
Ask him what he is seeking. What does sex mean to him? What does he try to convey when he gives you the ‘look’? Maybe he just wants to be complimented back. And with your guard up, you haven’t been able to do so enough. How does he feel when you say ‘no’? Is there a better way to say ‘no’? Together, you can get to the root of your husband’s demands and your inhibitions, and possibly reach a middle ground.
NOTE: Talk to your partner outside of the sexual environment. Don’t have ‘the conversation’ as a response to his actions or demands, or else, he will most likely get defensive, and you will be setting up the talk for failure.
4. Try to come to a middle ground
Does a compromise work for you? Hear us out. If your partner wants sex every night and you want it once a week, trying to get close to 2 times a week may work for you. However, finding the middle ground doesn’t always need to be a clinical division of frequency.
This could also be about other concerns. Who initiates sex? Who gives physical compliments? Who makes the other person feel attractive and desired? Who makes efforts in the relationship to spice it up? Physical intimacy is an equally important part of the various kinds of intimacies that cement a relationship, and an effort to strengthen it should come from both sides equally.
Related Reading: 9 Expert Tips To Compromise In A Marriage The Right Way
5. Lay out your sexual boundaries
Knowing each other’s comfort levels and boundaries when it comes to sexual intimacy is extremely important. Setting down what you are okay or not okay with sexually is a way to show yourself respect. However, keep the following in mind when you sit to talk to him:
- Knowing what you enjoy or what is uncomfortable for you takes a fair bit of exploration and introspection. Encourage your husband to do the same
- If you have been feeling pressured, talk about consent. You need to set it straight that your partner can not feel entitled to your body. Love does not give one the right to overlook consent
- Set boundaries such as specifying what sexual activities are off-limits or defining the frequency of sexual encounters
- Establishing clear boundaries and then respecting them will help create trust in each other. This in turn will foster an environment in your relationship where both of you feel free to express your needs and desires
- Sexual boundaries change over time. When enough trust is established, both of you might become okay with exploring each other’s desires and find out that you enjoy something you never thought you could
6. Learn how to say ‘no’ without hurting his feelings
When you say, “My husband pouts when I say ‘no’,” you are clearly frustrated or worried about hurting your partner’s feelings. Let us say your husband isn’t pushing your boundaries as much as he did, anymore, and that he has learnt how to propose sex to you in a way you are comfortable with. When he does, and you are not in the mood, how do you say ‘no’ to him, guilt-free?
- Say ‘no’ from a place of empathy. Empathy will allow you to speak from a place of love rather than from a place of guilt and defense
- If possible, offer alternative ways to connect, such as bathing together or taking a walk
- If you need time alone, express clearly that you need time for yourself and say that you will be back
- The idea is that ‘no’ doesn’t have to mean rejection or feel personal. When done right, he can understand that you want to connect with him, just not sexually (or maybe just not now)
7. Emphasize emotional intimacy
Is “my husband wants sex but not intimacy” your biggest complaint? You might have to help him recognize that a deeper emotional connection will enhance overall marital satisfaction. This, in turn, will create ease and comfort, making partners more inclined to come closer. Suggest focusing on the quality of your intimate moments rather than just the quantity.
You can discuss and think of activities that you could engage in to develop emotional intimacy in your marriage without necessarily leading to sexual activity. Less sex and more quality time can surprisingly help balance the dynamics of a sexual relationship.
A friend once told me that her husband, in a heated discussion over the same sexual incompatibility issue, had said to her, “Fine, I push us toward sex, making suggestions, planning things, suggesting ideas. If romance is so important to you, what do you do to make sure we connect romantically?” This was a mindblowing moment for her. She realized that, with her defensive stance, she had stopped initiating any kind of intimacy, and this was taking a toll on her relationship.
Related Reading: 11 Warning Signs Of Lack Of Emotional Connection In Relationships
8. Explore pleasure beyond sexual intercourse
When a visual suggestion from your partner means, “Now it’s kissing time, next groping, after which oral, and then home base,” the predictability becomes boring after a point, making it difficult to enjoy sex. And the solution is not just shuffling the sequence on this one. You will need to encourage exploration of pleasure beyond sexual intercourse or the sexual act.
Focus on activities that foster intimacy and pleasure, promoting a holistic approach to satisfaction. Massages, playing out sexual fantasies, reading erotic literature, having deep conversations, bathing together, bubble baths, sex-toys — these things can break the monotonous round-the-bases approach to sex.
9. Disassociate ‘the look’ from sex. Here’s how…
The suggestive ‘look’ (replace it with your husband’s typical sexual advances) from your partner can be a mood killer and cause you to freeze up. Because it comes with the idea of an end result that is always sex. And while you might be in the mood to be physically intimate with your partner, you might not always want to ‘hit the hay’. You both, as a couple, need to disassociate ‘the look’ with an end result. How to do that?
Engage in activities centered on physical intimacy but do not take it to sex. Let the tension build up. Exchange the look, shower together, but then dress up and go to work. After a long workday, fix up a salad naked with your partner and eat it on the couch, laugh together, talk about your day, make plans for the weekend, but don’t ‘knock your boots’. Once you do this enough, ‘the look’ will stop getting intimidating.
10. Seek professional help
If you still find yourself saying, “My husband pressures me sexually” or “My husband is obsessed with me sexually,” you should certainly seek professional help. If these sentences mean you feel physically unsafe, you should reach out to professionals at an abuse helpline immediately. If you are not sure how you feel about the sexual pressure in your relationship, it is always better to err on the side of caution.
If you feel that this is not the case, but communication with your husband has proven to be challenging, seek professional help from a sex therapist or a marriage counselor anyway. Individual counseling can help you sort your own thoughts out and figure out a way to talk to your partner. If you think your partner will be up for it, couples counseling can provide a safe space to discuss concerns and develop strategies to tackle this issue.
Should you need it, Bonobology’s panel of experienced counselors can provide you with the professional perspective that is often pertinent to navigating marital issues. Seeing a therapist will also help you with the next point!
Related Reading: How Does Marriage Counseling Work to Solve Relationship Issues?
11. Take care of your mental, emotional, and physical health
… preferably with your partner. There are many advantages to taking this approach. The impact of stress on both kinds of libidos — both hyperactive and dormant — is huge. Working together to manage stressors can both alleviate pressure on sexual demands and improve sex drive. When done together, it can be a great way for married couples to spend quality time together and share a common goal. You can try the following:
- Exercise and movement: Activities that work your body out can help improve your relationship with your body in turn allowing for better sex
- Eating better: Eating wholesome nutritious food nurtures not just your body, it’s an entire love language toward yourself. It motivates you to engage in movement
- Journaling: It helps you declutter your thoughts and allows you to get to know yourself better
- Seeing a therapist: Consultation with a therapist may help you work on any deeper trauma that may be affecting your partner’s behaviors and/or your responses.
- Nurturing hobbies: Spend time doing things you love to boost your mood and improve your self-relationship
- Building a support system: Don’t forget to keep in touch with family and friends. They can be the first line of help during difficult times
- Sexual expectations in marriage or a mismatch in sexual frequency and libido is a common bone of contention in marriages and can cause marriage crisis
- There is no right number of times a couple must have sex to ensure marital well-being
- A sexually demanding husband will initiate sex frequently, make sexual innuendos often, and make unilateral decisions regarding intimacy related matters
- You should spend some time to introspect on the situation and your own feelings. Next, talk to your spouse about sexual boundaries and mutual consent, discuss ways to improve intimacy to feel connected with your spouse, and see if a compromise can be found
- It is simply not okay for your husband to force something on you. Do not do what you are not comfortable with. Stand your ground. Make reasonable compromises
- Seek professional help if you need a third party to weigh in and guide you on how to talk to your husband. If your husband is open to it, you can see a sex therapist together
Change in your sexually demanding husband’s behavior will not happen overnight. And you might have to be patient. But equipped with these tools, we hope you can navigate this obstacle in your relationship. Remember, every relationship is unique, and these suggestions should be tailored to your specific circumstances. The key is to maintain open communication, have an empathetic relationship, and show willingness to understand and support each other’s needs.
And needless to say, if your partner is aggressively violating your boundaries, or engaging in any form of violence — physical, verbal, or emotional — you must get help immediately.
If you often find yourself saying “My husband is obsessed with me sexually,” you must talk to your partner about the difference between physical intimacy and sex, and see if he understands it. You may have to show him other ways to connect with you physically that don’t always culminate in the act
What do you mean by ‘angry’? Does your husband pout like a child? Or does he force himself on you? Both will cause you a certain level of discomfort. While the former can be handled through open communication and therapy, the latter is criminal behavior. Find immediate help if it’s the latter.
Maybe he is trying to spice things up. Ideally, he should be taking a more sympathetic approach to initiating this newness with you. But since he is not, maybe you can spend quality time with your husband and have a meaningful discussion regarding this change. Talk to each other about your fantasies and set boundaries on things you are absolutely not comfortable with. Indulge in each other’s fantasies as far as you comfortably can.