How He Treats You Is How He Feels About You — Is It True?

Relationship Advice | | , Writer & Editor
Updated On: April 15, 2024
How He Treats You Is How He Feels About You

I once dated someone who gave me mixed signals. He would make plans but ditch me last minute. He would get me things, but not what I liked. I wondered if he even liked me or not. A wise friend noticed his inconsistent behavior and said, “How he treats you is how he feels about you. Period.” (Thank you, friend!)

You, too, may have warned a friend against that toxic boyfriend who wasn’t treating her right. People treat you how they feel about you. We know that. But when faced with the possibility of rejection, we hope against hope and believe otherwise.

That’s when you need a friend to remind you that you deserve to be treated with love. That when someone finally treats you right, you will feel like a queen. That you should dump the guy who’s making you doubt any of this. I am that friend today. Let’s begin by understanding the “how he treats you is how he feels about you” psychology.

What Is “How He Treats You Is How He Feels About You” Psychology?

Do you remember the 2009 multi-starrer hit romantic comedy He’s Just Not That Into You? The film, through several stories, conveys the same message that we are trying to tell you here. If he is not prioritizing you, you are not a priority for him. If he is being rude to you, he doesn’t care about your feelings. There are enough warning signs he treats you like an option. Basically, no, he is not playing hard to get; he is just not that into you.

The ‘how he treats you is how he feels about you’ psychology means that no matter what he tells you, his actions will reflect what is inside his heart. It is impossible to fake one’s true feelings. This Reddit user says, “People don’t treat you the way you would want them to, they treat you by the way they feel about you. Be blind if you want to.” Well, I couldn’t have said it better.

One more thing. You should not take his behavior personally. His behavior points to his poor self-worth and self-esteem. If this guy is breadcrumbing and ghosting you, his moral compass is skewed. He thinks it is okay to play with people’s feelings. Or maybe this pattern speaks to his emotional and mental health issues. In that case, as well, the way someone treats you is a reflection of how they feel about themselves, and is not really about you.

Related Reading: 13 Ways To Respect A Woman In A Relationship

How Does Someone Treat You If They Love You?

Figuring out how a boyfriend should treat his girlfriend is not rocket science. A healthy relationship between two people should be marked by a few things. These foundational principles are:

  • Love: This is not just about the display of love, but admiration for the person one is with
  • Respect: Respect is higher than love, ensuring that other non-negotiables in a relationship are taken care of. When someone says, “He treats me casually,” this is what might be amiss
  • Trust: If your guy trusts you, he will let you be. He will not override your decisions, question your intentions or capabilities, thus making you feel respected. When someone says, “He treats me like a child,” it is often trust that is missing
  • Kindness: A true lover will find it difficult to snap at you. Your pain will bother them. Your well-being will be their priority
  • Honest communication: A healthy relationship will be marked by mutual feelings of “being on the same page” more often than feelings of disconnect
  • Intimacy: In a bond of love, people would prioritize spending quality time to develop intimacies, be it physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, or spiritual intimacy

These are a few pillars of a healthy relationship. In fact, the rules of healthy love hold true even for platonic relationships. So, how does someone treat you if they love you? With respect, trust, and kindness. Let us look at a few signs a man respects you. The lack of these can be read as warning signs he treats you badly.

15 Signs He Is Treating You The Way You Deserve

Let me tell you something that you already know. You deserve to be treated with respect! Does he make you feel like he genuinely cares for you, or that he appreciates your qualities? Or have you been feeling hurt because he has been showing all the signs he treats you like an option? You find yourself frequently complaining, “He treats me like a child.” Or “He treats me casually.”

Let me take you through this list of 15 signs he treats you like a queen, things that tell you he values your presence in his life.

Related Reading: 15 Proven Ways To Show Someone You Love Them

1. He gives you attention

When a man gives you attention, it makes you feel seen. He’ll check on you. He’ll share glances with you at a busy party. Even if there isn’t time to be together, he’ll make you feel through his actions that not a minute passes by when he doesn’t think of you.

Similarly, when having a conversation with you, he listens to you intently, especially with his body language. He reads between the words, he acknowledges things you said in gestures. His responses make you feel that he truly registered what you said.

In contrast: Someone who is not treating you right will fail to make you feel seen, heard, or understood. They will look past you, forget you at parties, refuse to look up from their phone when you are speaking, and not remember to check on you when they are busy having a good time.

when someone finally treats you right
When a man treats you right, he will give you his full attention

2. He notices your needs

I once needed the weekend to finish some long-pending work, while my boyfriend wanted to go to a club. I expressed to him that it was important for me to clear all my tasks. My boyfriend’s response, in this scenario, can be a red or a green flag.

So, what did my partner do? He motivated me to check things off my list — exactly what I ‘needed.’ He stayed indoors with me, taking the opportunity to wrap up some of his work as well. He also made being at home more fun, reminding me of the rewards that lay ahead.

Men, if you’re reading this too, we have a few tips on how to treat a woman you love. Check out these thoughtful acts:

  • Bring your partner a warm cup of tea when she’s not well
  • Leave a sweet note when you’re busy
  • Prioritize her sexual needs, like buying her favorite sex toy or kissing her the way she likes
  • Be attentive to her needs in general

In contrast: Someone who is basically wasting your time will be selfish in bed, and outside. Whenever your needs don’t align with his wishes, he will persuade you to do things his way using emotional manipulation, and he will do this routinely.

Related Reading: 12 Signs He Is Using You As a Trophy Girlfriend

3. He makes an effort to spend time with you

… and get to know you better. You know how actions speak louder than words. A man who values you will try to make the most of the time he gets with you. He will take you out, and plan dinners and vacations. If you are occupied, he will keep track of your commitments and reschedule, or offer other solutions.

Your partner will take out quality time for you, to develop intimacy so that you not only connect at a physical level (by initiating physical touch), but also emotionally and intellectually (by engaging in deep, meaningful conversations).

In contrast: Someone who is treating you casually will only spend time with you when he has nothing else to do. He won’t make time for you when you need him to, frequently canceling on you by making excuses. Because he wants to keep you on the hook, he might fake-apologize, but will repeat the same thing the next chance he gets.

4. He tries to be a part of your life

When a guy treats you with awe and admiration, he tries his hardest to be a part of your life. A guy can do this in many ways. Men, here are some tips on how to be a better boyfriend to your girlfriend:

  • Feel joy in her happiness and cry with her
  • Show interest in the book she is reading or the show she is watching
  • Ask for more details on that inside joke she has with your workmates
  • Look forward to the parties she invites you to while also respecting your own boundaries
  • Be excited to meet her public persona! (This is especially important in men and women relationships, in case the woman is more ‘popular’ or ‘successful’)

In contrast: When a man doesn’t have much interest in you, he doesn’t try to get to know you or your likes and interests. He doesn’t want a peek into your inner life. He is satisfied with knowing just the small part of your entire personality that suits his needs.

Related Reading: “Cut Him Off He Will Miss You” — 11 Reasons It Almost Always Works

5. He talks a lot about you

When your partner wants people around him to know you, it’s a good sign! He is proud of being with you. When a man looks at you with admiration, he can’t help but share it with other people. He will end up repeatedly mentioning you in front of his friends. That’s how you know he is thinking about you even when you are not around.

In contrast: When a man treats you in no special way, he doesn’t really talk about you. Some of his people might not even know about you. Of course, he could be taking his time to protect himself. But you know what’s a reasonable duration and what’s not. If it feels odd that he has still not mentioned you to his dear ones, he is likely keeping you a secret.

More on relationship advice

6. He makes sure to give you space

When a man gives a woman space, it demonstrates his regard for her autonomy. This also means that he values personal boundaries and trusts her. Such a man finds it easy when his girlfriend takes her solo time for self-reflection. He respects her need for occasional solitude and supports her private pursuits and ambitions.

In contrast: When a man treats you immaturely, he will try to micromanage your life or keep you on a leash. By hook or by crook, he will make sure that you don’t get to enjoy your me-time. If he thinks there is no reason for you to need time and space for yourself, he clearly doesn’t acknowledge your individuality. He is treating you casually and taking you for granted.

Related Reading: What To Do If He is Keeping You As A Backup But Never A Priority

7. He tries to impress you

A man who loves you will genuinely care what you think about him. He will share his ambitions and achievements with you. He will also try to be a better person for you and make you proud. E.g., he might try to forgive others so that you think of him as large-hearted and kind.

We often see this in the little things of men and women relationships. He will fix that leaky faucet, book a nice restaurant, or shoot hoops. He will make sure he cleans up well for that weekend date. No matter how long you have been together, he still might do little cliché things like securing a difficult reservation or finding great seats, just to be able to impress you.

In contrast: When he begins to take you so much for granted as his partner that there is no desire left to impress you, it clearly means that the spark in the relationship is gone. If your man never tries to impress you, it means he truly doesn’t care what you think of him. Because in this case, how he treats you is how he feels about you.

8. He seeks your opinion

A man who takes you seriously will ask you for your advice on things great and small. He will involve you in regular decision-making. He will ask your opinion on the current state of affairs, as well as a life crisis where he needs a second opinion.

“Should I quit my job, or confront my boss?”, “How do I talk to my head-strong father about selling his business?”, or “I would like to know more about Palestine”. He not only discusses these with you, he actively listens to your opinions on these matters.

In contrast: By now, we know that how he treats you is how he feels about you. So if he doesn’t care about what you think, well then — He does not care about what you think. He’ll do his own thing, and might even openly discard or mock your opinion.

9. He learns to like the things that matter to you

Actions speak louder than words. When a man truly likes a woman, he shows willingness to like the things that mean something to her. If his partner likes to pray or engage in charity, he will begin to see value in it. I don’t mean that he will become a believer. After all, he should be able to exercise his individual beliefs. But he would like to learn about the things he earlier didn’t pay attention to.

In contrast: Someone who doesn’t value his partner will not care enough to change a little for them. He will be fixated in his own beliefs. It’s a clear warning sign that he doesn’t think you are important enough to get out of his comfort zone. This kind of natural discomfort often leads to a lot of learning and connection, if one lets it.

Related Reading: 15 Warning Signs Your Partner Is Losing Interest In The Relationship

10. He takes your feedback seriously

He listens to your advice intently and follows up. You know he is treating you the way you deserve if he takes your feedback seriously. He also notices your disappointments and tries not to repeat his behavior if he has made a mistake. After all, he is always trying to be the reason behind your smile.

In contrast: He either doesn’t ask you anything, or if he does, he merely uses you as a sounding board. He doesn’t care about keeping a check on the relationship quality, or if he has hurt you in any way.

11. He cares about the people that are important to you

Your partner will try his best to like your family. Even if you don’t get along with them, he knows that your family is important to you. So he will make the effort to gain their favor and mend things when required. He will try to get to know your friends. You will see him trying hard to win over everyone who is important to you.

In contrast: When he is not treating you the way you deserve, you’ll see him acting like a jerk in front of your friends. He might even refuse to see them, because, well, who wants to make all that effort and be a little uncomfortable for just a girl!

signs he treats you badly
He should make an effort to maintain a cordial relationship with the people you love

12. He doesn’t shy away from compromise

When two people are together, there are innumerable instances where there is a need for compromise. Be it coming up with a plan for date night, to what to order in, to being the first to apologize in a fight, note the willingness of your partner to compromise. It shows how interested they are in being happy with you over being right. This kind of pragmatic and loving behavior shows how one truly feels for the other.

In contrast: A person who loves themselves more than anyone else will always want to have the last word. Such people surely get to win an argument but, sadly, they do not understand men and women relationships, and do not win at love.

13. He shows up

He will keep his word and show up for you. He will sense your needs and sincerely offer to be by your side. He will be there when you need him. Not only that, he will show that he regards your time by making sure that he doesn’t keep you waiting. If he’s unable to make it, he’ll keep you informed. He won’t stand you up.

In contrast: A guy who is wasting your time doesn’t value it. Nor does he value his promise. After all, the way someone treats you is a reflection of how they feel about themselves. He is not a man of words, and he doesn’t care that it reflects very poorly on him.

Related Reading: 13 Ways To Make Him Realize Your Worth

14. He apologizes sincerely

A good guy tells you the truth. He apologizes when he makes a mistake and communicates a complaint with sincerity. He trusts you to be able to handle the issue at hand. When a man communicates openly, it shows that he is willing to make the efforts needed in an honest relationship.

In contrast: A man in a toxic relationship will shy away from admitting his mistakes. His ego will take over. This is not a man of high character. Plus, he is clearly not interested enough in you to compromise on his “I am always right” persona.

15. He shows you love even in the little things

There are many little acts of kindness and respect that your partner extends toward you that can’t be contained in one of these bigger points. He makes sure to show you respect on all fronts. For example:

  • He has your back during a quarrel with someone
  • He makes you feel like you are the most important person in this world
  • He respects your food choices
  • He does not compare you with other women
  • He says all the right things when you just want a friend
  • He covers you with a blanket and reminds you to stay hydrated

In contrast: A guy who is wasting your time will give you many reasons to say, “He treated me like I was nothing.” A jerk consistently treats his woman poorly. Be it not listening to a word she says, mocking her in public, or not caring about her well-being.

Key Pointers

  • How people treat you is a reflection of their feelings for you. Irrespective of how much one tries to fake it, the charade is difficult to hold for long
  • If you’re seeing a guy, some of the clearest signs he treats you badly are when he doesn’t care about your needs, doesn’t show interest in getting to know you, or often compares you with other women
  • On the other hand, if your partner appreciates you, he will try to be there for you, impress you, and take out time for you. He will try to learn more about you. He will be willing to compromise and apologize. These are some great tips on how to treat a woman you love
  • One of the signs a man respects you is that he will seek your opinion on the matters that concern him. He’ll take you seriously
  • When someone finally treats you right, you will feel loved. You will have a clear hunch that you’re admired, valued, and respected. Their actions will speak louder than words

So, I hope that helped. How a boyfriend should treat his girlfriend is simple. He is either into you or not! There is no point pulling the wool over your eyes. However, don’t forget: While people treat you how they feel about you, their poor behavior is also a reflection of how they feel about themselves. It is your job to make sure no one is able to take you for a ride. That, too, is an act of self-love.

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