I had a love marriage with a wonderful man and recently we celebrated a decade of togetherness. He is a very nice gentle and loving person, he respects me and has always loved me. Apart from the struggles that we had while getting married (since our families objected) we have had a very happy and satisfied marriage. I don’t think that I can love anybody else the way I love him. And yet a few months back I cheated on him. I wasn’t seeking any affair, it just happened with one colleague. He is also married. This relationship is purely sexual for both of us. Neither of us were looking for anything beyond sex and are happy with our respective lives.
Sex with my spouse is making love to the person I love, all calming, reassuring, feeling the soul kind of sex. I have a satisfied sexual life with my husband. But the affair sex is hot, the illicit nature gives the feeling of living on the edge, gives an adrenaline rush. I want to end the affair to avoid hurting my spouse, but I don’t know how and when I should end it. I feel I should carry on for maybe 5-6 months and then end it.
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The affair is serving a purpose. It is helping me overcome the fear of losing my husband early on life. His father died young and I get the debilitating fear of being alone. Since the affair I have stopped obsessing over my fear and stop nagging my husband with respect to his health. I used to constantly ask him if he has eaten well, exercised or if he is taking rest between work. I have never obsessed with his whereabouts through the day, even when he’s away for days for work, but only about health. How should I end the affair? I often wonder what is wrong with me that I’m having an affair when I’m madly in love with my spouse. Please guide me!
Counsellor Deepak says:
First: Love and sex are not the same thing. You may want [restict] to have sex with others even if you are in love with someone… or even when you are not in love with the person you are having sex with. Stop judging yourself.
Second: You need to stop the affair. However tempting and exciting it might be, it is still cheating and breaking of the implicit emotional contract you have with your loving husband. It is okay that you slipped but to continue to have a full-blown sexual affair is a different story all together. I am completely accepting of consensual non-monogamous marriages as well. However, the operative word is consensual, where all the parties involved are aware and are on board.
What this approach would ask is the courage to follow your sexual passions, but with honesty. Have a frank and open discussion with your husband and figure out what his views are on it. Is he okay with it? BUT if you think this may not work out well, and you’ll end up wrecking your marriage, then you know you have to stop or find a husband/partner who’d be fine with an open marriage. It would take courage in both facing your husband and stopping your affair. Choose your battles wisely.
All the best,