Being cheated on is one of the biggest emotional traumas a person may endure in their lifetime. It changes you in so many ways, leaves you scarred forever and the pain it brings in its wake can feel like someone has reached down your throat and twisted your gut. That’s why even if signs your partner is cheating are staring you in the face, you may choose to ignore them. However, burying your head in the sand won’t change the reality of your situation. So, instead of delaying the inevitable, why not open your eyes to the 5 subtle signs you’re being cheated on?
While every cheater may carry on their transgressions differently, depending on their personality, the nature of your relationship, and the nature of the relationship they have with the person they’re cheating on you with, there are certain common themes to infidelity. In these patterns, hide the signs of cheating.
In this article, Dr. Gaurav Deka (MBBS, PG diplomas in Psychotherapy and Hypnosis), an internationally acclaimed Transpersonal Regression Therapist, who specializes in trauma resolution, and is a mental health and wellness expert, writes about the 5 subtle signs you’re being cheated to help you ascertain if you have a reason to worry about the future of your relationship. If the thought of how to know if your partner is cheating has ever crossed your mind, read on.
5 Subtle Signs You’re Being Cheated On — Don’t Ignore These
Table of Contents
The foundation of a stable, long-term partnership is built on the hope of a happily ever after. You don’t go in assuming you’ll have to deal with deceit, lies, betrayal, and cheating. However, assuming that your relationship is immune to the risk of infidelity would be naive. Especially in the age of technology, where cheating is far easier than you can imagine. And temptation bountiful.
The popularity of dating apps and the concept of hooking up just for the thrills have complicated the situation more. So the possibilities of wavering from a steady relationship intensify manifold. With virtual affairs becoming more and more common, it’s not unreasonable to wonder how to find out if your partner is cheating online. Don’t dismiss it as paranoia or lack of trust if you have a gut feeling he’s cheating, no proof or she’s betraying your trust but no obvious red flag to pin it on.
These suspicions warrant further inquiry. If you look carefully, the signs your partner is cheating on you might just emerge. Right in front of you, staring you in the face even. The trouble is that most people don’t know what these signs are or where to look for them. We’re here to help you out of that conundrum with this lowdown on the 5 subtle signs you’re being cheated on that will invariably feature in your relationship if your partner is being unfaithful:
1. An unhealthy attachment to the phone
Call it the invasion of digital media or the social network negative feedback loop, we live in a time and age where our smartphones are nothing less than appendages to our hands and limbs. However, this dependence turns unhealthy and your partner seems to be in a parallel relationship with their phone, it could be one of the uncommon signs of cheating.
Excessive phone usage could be the first warning sign of an online affair taking shape or already in full swing. For instance, if your partner is on the phone all the time, even when he or she is with you—maybe on dates or romantic getaways—hardly paying attention to what you’re saying and replying to you in monosyllables, you need to become vigilant. Pay attention to the following cell phone cheating signs:
Related Reading: 22 Sure Signs Of A Cheating Girlfriend
1. Your partner changes their phone password often and doesn’t share it with you
It’s not unusual to password-protect one’s devices. However, if your partner has started changing their phone password often and refuses to share it with you, it’s clear they have something to hide from you. Likewise, password-protecting individual apps, especially instant messaging apps, could be another red flag that you’re getting cheated on.
While you know it’s not a good idea to check your partner’s phone, you may be tempted to overstep that boundary just to find some peace and answers. After all, for how long will you keep battling your dilemmas, and wondering, “Is he cheating on me?” or “Is she unfaithful?”
2. They don’t go anywhere without their phone, including the washroom
Now, carrying the phone to the washroom hardly qualifies as one of the signs of a cheating woman or man. Most of us are guilty of spending too much time on the toilet, watching reels. However, if your partner doesn’t go anywhere without their phone—be it going to the kitchen to fetch a glass of water or going to the loo to take a leak, you could be looking at cell phone cheating signs in your relationship.
You have even more reason to be suspicious if you can hear muffled conversations when your partner is in the washroom. Another tell-tale indicator of cheating could be that the time they spend in the washroom has increased dramatically and their loo trips have become more frequent. If your partner spends a significant time of the at-home hours holed up in the washroom, it’s most certainly more than nature calling.
Related Reading: 11 Signs Someone Is Hiding Something On Their Phone
3. Your partner wakes up at night to chat
Another tell-tale indicator that your partner could be cheating on phone is that they stay up, texting someone late into the night. Perhaps, you have woken from your sleep to find your SO intently typing on their phone. When asked, they may brush it off as replying to a text from a colleague or work associate who lives in another time zone.
However, if this is a regular occurrence and your partner waits for you to fall asleep so that they can get busy on their phone, you have every reason to be concerned. If so far they’ve dismissed your suspicions and questions as unfounded and paranoid, you may also find yourself losing sleep over how to tell if your partner is lying about cheating. One of the simplest solutions to your quandary is to pretend to be asleep and catch them in the act.
4. They can’t imagine switching off the phone
You suggest a Sunday phone detox by switching it off all day and going out but your partner goes ballistic at the idea. They’d much rather spend their Sunday curled up on the couch, staring into their phone screen than step out to spend some quality time with you. This is a near-certain warning sign your partner is cheating on phone.
Related Reading: What Is Micro-Cheating And What Are The Signs?
2. A sudden spate of fights could be a sign of infidelity
Frequent and often uncalled-for fights and arguments are among the 5 subtle signs you’re being cheated on. You can remember a time when your partner was a cool-headed, reasonable person. Sure, you had your share of disagreements and arguments even then but those never seemed unwarranted. But now, when they return home at the end of the day, all you see on their face is a scowl!
Even when you smile at them, they seem to be irritated all the time and try to pick fights for no good reason. This is a surefire sign your partner is cheating on you. They want to get their way all the time and not one day passes when there isn’t some sort of tension between you too.
Sure, they may not scream at you or smash things to the ground. Their discontentment becomes apparent from their sarcastic comments, sharp jibes, or just the heavy silence that has pervaded your relationship. This is an important sign for you to step back and see what must be channeling this kind of reaction in your partner. If you’re looking for signs of a cheating man or woman, keep an eye out for the following:
1. They use hurtful words
Your partner knows you well enough to know what will hurt you most, and they use this knowledge to attack you. A partner who is cheating on you will not shy away from saying hurtful things in a fight even when they know the harm it can cause to your relationship.
This can be for two reasons—first, the silence that follows after a nasty fight gives them the perfect opportunity to indulge in their transgressions, no questions asked; and second, they may have fallen out of love with you and feel trapped in the relationship. These ugly fights you have been having are their way of venting out some of the frustration and one of the glaring red flags you’re getting cheated on.
Related Reading: How To React When Your Spouse Says Hurtful Things: 15 Tips
2. They rake up the past
They could bring up your ex or your past relationship, your past mistakes, or other vulnerabilities to put you down and make you feel small. They keep harping on the unpleasant aspects of your relationship and create negativity that begins to consume your bond with each other.
You could consider this one of the spiritual signs your partner is cheating because their actions are a manifestation of how they perceive you now. Perhaps, they’re using all your shortcomings to justify cheating to themselves, and since these shortcomings are all they’ve been focussing on, they can’t help but bring these up over the smallest of things.
3. Your fights could turn ugly
Fights in a relationship are normal but if these turn ugly, then there is something seriously wrong. You may notice that your arguments often spiral out of control. While in the past you could sit across from each other and out across your respective points of view on a situation and expect to be heard, now even the smallest disagreements escalate into ugly territory. If there is already name-calling in the relationship and you find yourself walking on eggshells round your partner, then your relationship has turned toxic.
Your partner’s behavior may prompt you to ask, “Am I being cheated on?” But we suggest, you ask, “Am I being treated well in my relationship?” If the answer is no, have a conversation with your partner, give them a chance to mend their ways, and if they don’t be prepared to walk not, irrespective of whether or not they’re cheating on you.
Related reading: Is Silent Treatment In A Relationship Emotional & Mental Abuse?
4. They resort to the silent treatment
After every fight, they build a wall around them and do not interact with you for days. They could be stonewalling you because interacting with you could mean you’re asking them questions about their behavior that they don’t want to answer. Besides, pushing you away gives your partner the perfect opportunity to carry on with their transgressions without being held accountable for their actions. This is one of the absolute signs your partner is cheating on you.
3. They pull the vanishing act
One day they are smiling, happy with you. They go out with you, spend the entire day and night, have drinks, make merry, and spend the sweetest possible time. But the next day, they just disappear. They don’t return your calls, don’t text. They only tell you they are busy and don’t come back home. And this pattern repeats itself, twice or thrice a month. Sometimes in some kind of a periodic rhythm too.
It is important to look beneath this pattern for this vanishing act could well be one of the 5 subtle signs you’re being cheated on. They may eventually come back to you and tell you how much they love you, buy gifts for you, and take you to the best places for lunch or dinner, but that could just be the cheaters’ guilt kicking in and propelling them to be the model boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife.
Since telling you the truth is not an option, the guilt of betraying your trust may prompt an outpouring of love. If you’re wondering how to tell if your partner is lying about cheating or how do you know for sure if you’re being cheated on, check out these signs:
1. They don’t return calls
No matter how busy a person is, if they care for someone, they will return their calls or texts. If not immediately, then at least at the first opportunity they get. But if they swing between constant communication and days of radio silence, something is certainly amiss. This is one of the uncommon signs of cheating in a relationship.
Amaira, a baker, shares how an erratic communication schedule exposed cheating in her past relationship. “My partner would vanish for a couple of days once or twice a month and be incommunicado. Then, he’d come back, make some excuse and things would go back to the way they were. Then, I noticed this always happened around the second and fourth weekends of the month when his ex would be in town, visiting her mother.
“That’s when I put two and two together and figured he had been cheating on me with his ex. A year back, the thought, “Is he cheating on me?”, wouldn’t have even crossed my mind. Yet, here I am trying to work my way through the trauma of getting cheated on.”
Related Reading: Is He Cheating Or Am I Paranoid? 11 Things To Think Over!
2. They ghost you
If your partner has the habit of disappearing for days without you having a clue where they are, it is a sign that they could be spending time with someone else during that time. If they ghost you and come back, and then offer us excuses like they were on a hiking trip up in the mountains, don’t take their word at face value. While your partner is well within their right to want to spend some alone time even when in a relationship, it’s the secrecy and the need to go out of communication that is suspicious. Don’t let this one slide.
3. No contact on work trips
If they are going on work trips saying they can’t keep in touch and if they can’t give you the hotel address or number where they are staying, then these are surefire signs your partner is cheating on you. There is a good chance that the said work trip is just a facade to spend some time with their affair partner. They could be going away with them for a couple of days, or if it’s an online affair, they could be traveling to meet them in person.
4. They cancel dates
If they are making a habit of canceling dates at the last moment, citing reasons like work meetings, conferences, or family emergencies, there isn’t much left to the imagination. Your partner is actively looking for ways to avoid spending time with you and infidelity could be the reason behind it. It’s either that or they may have fallen out of love (or could be cheating because they’ve fallen out of love. We don’t know which is worse, but your relationship certainly isn’t in a healthy space.
Related Reading: Indian Wife Affair Stories: He Made Me Feel Cheated, Used And Helpless
4. You don’t know what’s on their mind
What are the signs of a cheating man or woman? Are there any distinct tells in how a guy acts after he cheated? How do you know if your partner is cheating? Questions, questions, questions…There can be so many of them swirling around your head when you’ve grappling with a gut feeling he’s cheating, no proof or she’s cheating but you have nothing to back your suspicions.
It may seem as if there is no easy way to get the answers to these questions, but if you look at the right details, you’ll find that the writing has been on the wall all along. One such thing to pay attention to is how in-tune you’re with each other’s thoughts and emotional state. If your partner practically feels like a stranger to you and on top of that, they suddenly start telling you to go out, meet new people, and gather new experiences, it could be a clear sign of infidelity. Here are a few others:
1. They are not interested in sex
How to know if your partner is cheating, you wonder? Well, a lack of interest in sex is among the classic signs that your partner is cheating on you. A lack of sex drive or interest in any form of intimacy in the relationship could indicate that your partner is getting their fill of intimate touch and connection elsewhere.
Perhaps, they don’t feel attracted to you sexually since they got into an affair. Or maybe they got into an affair because they no longer felt attracted to you. The specific details may vary but the bottom line remains the same—if there are no other identifiable reasons at play, lack of interest in sex could point to the presence of a third in your connection.
Related Reading: Top 10 Signs Your Spouse is Cheating
2. They are overzealous in bed
How to find out if your partner is cheating online or in real life? Well, the answer may lie in the sexual overdrive you’ve been noticing in them. While, on the one end of the spectrum, cheating can make a relationship sexless, on the other, the cheating partner may overcompensate by becoming overzealous in bed.
They may suggest trying new positions or things like roleplay. Before becoming super happy about their enthusiasm, think about where all this is coming from. Could this mean that they are learning about new positions or getting roleplaying ideas from somewhere else? Look closely, these could be surefire signs that you are being used by your partner.
3. They don’t show their body
Suddenly they are very shy in front of you and never change clothes or loiter around the house in their towel in front of you. Your partner may even leave the room to change or ask you to give them some privacy. This is, typically, how a guy acts after he cheated. Even women tend to act distant and withdrawn if they have been unfaithful.
This sudden change in their behavior is undoubtedly disconcerting, and you’re not wrong in asking, “Am I being cheated on?” Think about it, what reason could your partner have to hide their body from you? Could it be that they are trying to hide those hickeys? If so, you have the simplest answer to how to find out if someone is cheating: walk in on them changing or when they step out of the shower to see what it is that they so badly want to hide.
Related Reading: 9 Sexless Relationship Effects No One Talks About
4. They go through an attitude change
Your partner walks in and you notice a spring in their step and a whistle on their lips. Then, suddenly, they’re sulking at the dinner table. They could be laughing and cracking jokes, and then suddenly, a message pops on their phone, and the entire vibe changes. They’re suddenly irritable and want to be left alone. This sudden change in their attitude and erratic mood could well be among the signs your partner is cheating on you. If they’re upbeat and excited one moment and sullen and brooding the next, their mood is being governed by the third spoke in your relationship.
5. Your partner seems ill-at-ease in the relationship
One of the most significant of the 5 subtle signs you’re being cheated on is that your partner is iffy and on the edge all the time. They may look anxious almost all the time. Perhaps cheating has drained out their energies and they find themselves in a constant battle of being truthful to you and their pressing need to keep hiding things from you.
Your partner may be painfully aware of the fact that all the secrets and the lies will hamper the components of trust in the relationship that you have nourished and built over time. Yet the allure of the affair keeps drawing them in. As a result, the energy of the relationship eventually becomes very nervous and unstable. So, whenever both of you are together, they seem to be quite nervous as if between wanting to tell you things and hiding them away. As a result, you may see the following signs:
1. You catch them in a lie
How do you know if your partner is cheating? Look for lies and inconsistent stories; these are among the most telling signs of a cheating woman or man. For instance, during a conversation, your girlfriend or wife may say that she was hanging out with her friends the previous Saturday. But then you remember that when she got home that day, she told you she was at the salon.
Or your boyfriend/husband says he got home late last Wednesday because he was working on an important presentation but you remember he told you he got stuck in traffic. You are confused about why she/he had to lie about something as inconsequential as that. Unless, of course, they’re trying to cover up for the time spent in the arms of their affair partner. Attention to detail is the easiest way to find out if someone is cheating.
Related Reading: What To Do When Someone Lies In A Relationship
2. They are always jumpy
There is a nervousness in their demeanor. They may get defensive even at the most innocuous questions. Or you find your partner lost in their thoughts often and when you talk to them, they seem startled, as if they’ve been brought back to the present moment from another world. This uncharacteristic behavior could be a sign that they’re going through stages of guilt after cheating or may have simply checked out of the relationship.
3. Your partner is perpetually stressed out
You may also find them repeatedly checking their phone. Or at times, not answering certain calls when both of you are together. When you ask, they may come up with a story about how something at work is stressing them out. If you want to confirm your suspicions and catch cheating spouse/partner, don’t let them off the hook easily. Ask follow-up questions, prod a little. You might discover that it’s a different kind of secret that’s making them nervous.
4. They avoid eye contact
This is one of the warning signs that your partner is cheating on you. Their perpetual guilt does not allow them to look straight into your eyes when they talk to you. The weight of their actions makes them acutely aware of your gaze on them and it makes them uncomfortable. Even when you’re together, your partner may seem emotionally distant and you feel as if there is a part of them you can no longer access.
Related Reading: 7 Cheating Spouse Text Message Codes
How To Cope With Being Cheated On
If you could relate to all or most of the 5 subtle signs you’re being cheated on, it’s time to think about your next steps. First things first, you need to deal with the heartbreaking reality that the one person who promised to never hurt you has broken your trust and your heart. This can leave you feeling lost, grappling with a tornado of emotions, and unsure about what to do next.
Now that you know how to find out if your partner is cheating online or IRL, the next order of business is to figure out how to cope with being cheated on. Once your partner’s infidelity comes to light, you have two clear options in front of you—stay and make it work, or leave and start afresh. Neither choice is easy, and which is the right one for you depends on your personal circumstances, your partner’s reaction in the aftermath of cheating, and your shared will to make the relationship work.
Surviving an affair is not an easy task nor is ending a relationship and moving on. Whatever you decide, make sure you choose wisely, and for that, you need to do some heavy emotional work. This includes:
- Ask your cheating partner the right questions to understand the what, why, and how of the affair but spare yourself the details that will only augment your pain
- Give yourself time to process the anger and hurt before you decide your next course of action
- During this time, if possible, distance yourself from your partner
- Once you’re in a calmer state emotionally, think about what you want
- Communicate your decision to your partner
- If you’ve decided to stay together, go into couple’s therapy to work through your issues. If not, seek counseling to deal with the effects of being cheated on
Frequently Asked Questions
1. How do you know if your partner is cheating on you?
The subtle signs of cheating are always there. If your partner becomes suddenly too protective about their phone, becomes overzealous in bed, and doesn’t want to walk around in a towel in front of you then these are surefire signs they are cheating.
2. What do you do if you suspect your partner is cheating?
You have to be sure first that your partner is cheating then you can confront them. If they are honest about what happened then they could confess otherwise they might continue with their lies. If they confess and want to rebuild trust in the relationship you can work on it otherwise you can move on.
3. How do you tell if your partner is lying about cheating?
If you see all the signs of cheating and even then your partner does not admit to cheating then you know your partner is lying about cheating.
4. How do you tell if you’re being cheated on?
The surefire signs of cheating will always be there. If your partner is always staying late at work, doesn’t answer your calls most of the time, cancels dates at the last moment, and doesn’t communicate for days then you will know you are being cheated upon.
5. How to tell if your boyfriend is cheating?
If your boyfriend is cheating, there will be tell-tale differences in the way he behaves with you and around you. You will be able to spot some or all of the 5 subtle signs you’re being cheated on, these include spending excessive time on the phone, picking fights with you for no reason, vanishing without explanation, being distant, and acting jittery and anxious around you.
Key Pointers
- There are certain common themes to infidelity. Paying attention to these may help you catch cheating spouse/partner
- 5 subtle signs you’re being cheated on include unhealthy dependence on the phone, an increase in fights, distant behavior, changes in intimacy, and your partner being ill-at-ease
- If you can relate to these signs your partner is cheating, it’s important to take the time to process your emotions before deciding your next steps
- You have two choices—stay and make the relationship work or walk away and start afresh
- Which is the right choice for you depends on your circumstances, your partner’s reaction in the aftermath of cheating, and your shared will to make the relationship work
Beyond The Dark Cloud Of Infidelity
Infidelity can leave you deeply wounded and not dealing with your emotions at this difficult time can do more harm than good. That’s why we cannot emphasize the importance of therapy in the wake of being cheated on by an intimate partner. If you’re looking for professional help, skilled and licensed counselors on Bonobology’s panel are here for you.
If you came here, wondering, “Am I being cheated on?”, we hope you found your answer in these 5 subtle signs you’re being cheated on. We also hope that these signs of cheating didn’t confirm your worst suspicions. But if they did and you find yourself dealing with a cheating partner, know that this is not the end of the world (even though it may seem like it). Give yourself time and the right resources to heal, and you will bounce back from this abyss – whether with your partner or alone is up to you.
Your contribution does not constitute a charitable donation. It will allow Bonobology to continue bringing you new and up-to-date information in our pursuit of helping anyone in the world to learn how to do anything.
@cassie sounds interesting!
This topic should be discussed by couples. I mean both should be open about how they feel about each other. This way, they will have a chance to improve their actions to become better wifes and husbands.