I Walked Out Of An Abusive And Toxic Relationship

When you’re knee-deep in an abusive relationship, it overcomes you so much that walking away seems near impossible. Physically, emotionally and mentally – you feel so tied down and scared that holding your head up high and demanding to be treated better seems like a thing of the past.

Your weakness seems to creep into every part of your life making you frail and frightened, all of the time. But do not be disheartened. There is a road to recovery and a happier life once you muster the courage to leave the relationship that has occupied your mind so terrifyingly. Read my experience about how I was abused and how walking away from a relationship that did not make me happy was the best thing I could have done for myself.

Walking Away From Toxic Relationship

He kicked me, as I held on to his leg, begging him not to leave me. This was just within the first 3 months of our relationship. I ran after him in the street, pleading with him, wiping the tears streaming down from my eyes. He looked at me once – a steely glance – a look full of disgust, and walked away.

This was over a chat with a friend that he read on my computer where I described how I felt like I should break up with him, my then-boyfriend. I didn’t want to tell her in the messages that I was scared of how attached and clingy he was already, and that I didn’t like the fact that he would lie to me or convince me that my version of a story was not what actually happened. He was snooping.

He wanted to find something, anything, that would prove to him that I didn’t love him and I didn’t want to be with him. This was the extent of his paranoia surrounding me.

I should have paid more attention

There were several instances and signs that I should have paid attention to. I guess I did pay attention but chose to avoid them because I wanted to stay in love. The good times were good, they were beyond phenomenal. One time, after a fight, he came over to my house with a bouquet of my favorite flowers, another time he handmade a book with stickers representing 100 things that he loved about me, and then for birthdays, there were multiple gifts.

I asked him why he didn’t compliment me when we were happy, and why he only said things to me that made me feel wanted when we were fighting or upset. He was silent. I knew that I was in love with a narcissist but I didn’t want to accept it. Because, honestly, I don’t think he knew consciously that he was one either.

Related Reading: What differentiates an abusive relationship from a normal one

He cheated on me

We would fight constantly, over the pettiest and ridiculous things. I remember getting upset at him once for saying ‘thanks’ instead of ‘thank you’ in a text message, and thinking that I had lost my mind. He was caught up in the semantics of it, whereas I had a deeper reason to feel upset – I was feeling dismissed. This was close to our breakup, and when I knew things were going downhill.

I figured out that he had an online dating profile, and he was seeing other women besides me. There were hundreds of messages. I confronted him about it and he hugged me, apologized, cried, and said that he only did this because he was afraid that I could walk out at any moment.

He told me that I get too angry at him. In hindsight, I realize that I got angry at moments when I felt like I was being distrusted, humiliated, or when I needed to defend myself. I felt fragile in the relationship, and I tried many times to walk out. He would always come back and apologize.

Related Reading: How To Find Out If Your Partner Is Cheating Online?

The Power Of Walking Away From A Relationship

One day, he told me that if I walked out this time he wouldn’t come back for me. I knew that he wouldn’t come back, and I made peace with this thought and walked away, knowing that moving on is the only thing left for me to do now.

I knew that the only reason he was saying that was because he was over me, the flavor of the season was not his favorite anymore and he needed a new toy to hang on to his shoulder.

I’m not denying that his sadness or unhappiness with me was genuine, I’m just doubtful of the authenticity of the love he felt for me. I feel as though he convinced himself to love me.

In any case, I had already seen too much, experienced too much, and had been emotionally toyed with to the point where I couldn’t date anyone for the 2 years following our breakup. I am still trying to heal my wounds.

Related Reading: Is Silent Treatment In A Relationship Emotional & Mental Abuse?

I channeled my inner strength

Walking away from a relationship that has kept you tied down can seem like the hardest thing to do. But once you put your foot down and choose yourself over the fake happiness of it all, you will be much happier in the long run.

The key is to get in touch with your inner self and make a final decision. Don’t indulge in the back and forth of, ‘Can he change?’ or ‘Will he change?’ If he does, he will come back and show it to you. Until then, walking away from a toxic relationship is what you should do.

When to walk away from a relationship? The moment you realize a relationship is not making you a better individual or a happier person, walking away from a relationship is simply the next logical step. Do not waste your time and energy, and sprinkling water on flowers that are already dead. It will make you wither on the inside too.

I hope you could gather some key takeaways from my story. Yes, this is what abuse looks like. It can happen in any relationship. You could be in a seemingly healthy gay relationship, straight, bi, be siblings, have a relationship like this with a parent.

You have to be aware of people who have narcissistic tendencies and try to stay away from them. Be kind to yourself if you are currently going through abuse, make a plan to get out, and finally, forgive yourself after you extricate yourself from a situation like this.

The power of walking away from a relationship that makes you unhappy is undeniable. It’s okay. This was not your fault. You are worth so much more than what someone considered you to be. It is time to take charge of your life now. Love yourself, and love yourself deeply.

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