The foundation of a healthy marriage rests on mutual respect, understanding, and shared decision-making. However, when a husband prioritizes his mother’s wishes over his wife’s, it creates an imbalance that can erode the very core of the relationship. Feeling isolated, unheard, and unimportant in your own marriage is a painful reality that many women face.
Question:
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Dear Counsellor,
My in-laws expect me to do housework and look after the children. My husband works in another city and comes back only for weekends. My mother-in-law gives me the silent treatment when he is away and tries to involve him in household chores when he comes for the weekend.
This is not my husband’s first marriage. He has two children from a previous marriage, who were raised by their grandparents. We have been married for a year. Whenever we spend time together she creates drama. She won’t give up the kids, won’t let me stay with my husband and won’t treat me with even basic respect and courtesy. I want to leave. The mother and son talk to each other every day on the phone at a fixed time. She indoctrinated him. What should I do?
My husband only listens to his mother and keeps me away
Kavita Panyam suggests:
Dear Lady,
Your query is incomplete in many respects. Is this your first marriage? You mention you have been married for a year?
You say your husband has two kids who were raised by their grandmother. Obviously there must be some power struggles which is why she may not want to give them up. It may also be a concern as you are not their biological mother and so she may have trust issues with you.
Your mother-in-law has seen her son divorce before and you are not the first wife. Do you know why the other marriage broke up? If she has trouble sharing her son with his wife, this may be one reason for her silent treatment and other issues you have mentioned. Marriage requires constant nurturing. Why don’t you wait till you are really clear as to what you want to do?
Here is what you could do.
Related Reading: How Destructive Are Indian In-Laws?
Please talk to your husband and move to where he is posted if it is not a field posting without family accommodation. When you live together as a family, there may be positive changes.
But before this move, here are a few questions for you to take note of.
1. Are you up for looking after the two kids by yourself?
2. Are you willing to work on the marriage without allowing the thoughts of your husband’s failed marriage influence you negatively?
3. If your mother-in-law lives alone, she might move in with you there. Are you equipped to handle this?
Related Reading: 5 ways to deal with your husband’s parents
Please see a counsellor and work on your core issues of trust and insecurity. Leaving or living with him is a decision only you can take after you sort out your thoughts.
Hope this helps.
Kavita
Frequently Asked Questions
1. Why does my husband prioritize his mother’s opinions over mine?
- He may have a very close relationship with his mother and values her advice deeply.
- He might be accustomed to his mother making decisions for him and finds it difficult to break that pattern.
- Cultural norms or family dynamics might emphasize the importance of respecting elders, particularly mothers.
- He may fear his mother’s disapproval or causing conflict within the family.
- There might be underlying issues in your relationship that make him less inclined to listen to you.
2. How does his keeping me away from his family affect me?
It can create feelings of isolation and exclusion.It can prevent you from developing a healthy relationship with your in-laws.It can damage your self-esteem and sense of belonging.
Final Thoughts
It’s crucial to remember that a healthy marriage involves open communication, mutual respect, and shared decision-making. When one partner consistently defers to their parent’s wishes without considering their spouse’s perspective, it can lead to resentment, emotional distance, and ultimately, the breakdown of the relationship.
If your husband is unwilling to address this issue and establish healthy boundaries with his mother, it may be necessary to seek professional help, either individually or as a couple. Our therapist can provide guidance and support in navigating this challenging situation and help you both develop strategies for improving communication, establishing healthy boundaries, and fostering a stronger, more balanced relationship.
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Proper communication with your spouse about what’s happening is the need of the hour I feel.