When raising the query of how to find a good man and probing for novel insights to gather tips, the responses we got were a mixed bag, ranging from the delightful to the all too real to also the delicate. Surprisingly, we also uncovered quite a few new perspectives about the qualities of a good man which dealt with the many layers and misconceptions about masculinity.
As challenging as it was to gather an array of ideas and experiences about finding the good or the right man – there were some tips and tricks that really stood out. But perhaps the best response we received was from a male acquaintance when he said, “A good man? Are you planning a space trip to Mars?”
It’s funny how one sarcastic remark really brought out the universality in the feelings of so many women and became a raging fire in the Facebook comments section, which only further propels our need to find a way to lock the right man! So read ahead if you are intrigued to find out what we gathered.
6 Pro Tips To Find A Good Man
This list of tips on how to find a good man might not be long but it will surely leave you with a better sense of judgement about how to find the right person to date. Curated from real life experiences, the search for a good man might be a long way away, but once you draw a rough outline to understand what you should be looking for, it’s easier to sift and eventually settle.
So if you have been dating for marriage and not seen any luck, or are tired of swiping left and right on those apps that just don’t seem to work in your favor – maybe it’s not the timing or the luck that is your nemesis. It could just be that your lens needs a little readjusting. So here are 6 pro tips to find a good man. Use these so you can readjust your lens, focus on the right person and zoom in on the good man you were looking for all along.
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1. The bar should only heighten as you age
The pressure to find a long-term life partner is real, which is why many women seem to lower the bar as they age to quicken their quest for love. In your 20s you start off with idealizing the perfect man because you’ve convinced yourself that you have enough time to one day be lucky enough for an unprecedented meet-cute at a coffee shop which could change your whole life.
But dating in real life is far removed from that dreamy ideal and it is possible that you are still trying to date in your 40, typing away on your laptop in a coffee shop and no guy slips you his number on the back of your cup. But this doesn’t mean you choose to settle for any guy that walks in through the door.
Shuktara Lal (39) is a drama educator and therapist, writer and publishing house employee who tells us, “There’s a huge amount of luck involved. So the upshot is, if you don’t find him, don’t blame yourself; file it under bad luck. We attribute friendships and work relationships to luck; meeting the right guy is no different.
Secondly, do not lower your bar as you age. Raise it. Just like we are picky about the other relationships we choose, we should be as (if not more) picky about choosing a potential life partner the older we get. Women who have been single for a long time should see that as their greatest asset: we don’t need a man to get by; we get by fine on our own.”
2. How to find a good man online is about displaying your own depth
We are all too familiar with the stereotypes about men on dating apps and the bad rep it often gives them. It’s a common perception that men on dating apps are only looking for one thing – good sex and nothing more. While that itself should hardly be considered some kind of a crime or a fall from grace, a lot of women find themselves baffled about the idea of how to find a good man online.
First, let’s break some misconceptions. Just because he’s into casual dating does not make him a bad guy. Indulging in catfishing or lying to you about the same, does. However, that is far different from just wanting to meet women online and hooking up with them.
Second, thanks to the ease dating apps accord, while most men are indeed just looking for a “wham, bam, thank you ma’am” situation, that doesn’t mean that there’s no room for cultivation. Just like real life, igniting a chemistry is about stumbling upon the right person and showing them a real side of you. That and a little bit of luck is really all that it takes. So why can’t the same be done online? Once you peel your own layers and are open to sharing an honest side of yourself, other men might be inclined to do the same. Keep your expectations realistic and be willing to unlock parts of you that are essential to dating.
3. To seek the qualities of a good man, self-work is equally important
So you’re puzzled and seeking the right way of how to find a good man to marry and that’s what has brought you here. But before you assemble a checklist of all that you want to see and expect from a potential life partner – consider whether you’re really up for the game itself or not.
It’s easy to start daydreaming about love and assume that it’ll solve your problems and automatically give you the perfect life that you need. But even if you do find a good man, if you haven’t spent enough time working on your own self, you might not find the happiness that you do deserve.
Dr. Deepti Bhandari is a clinical psychologist with an experience of more than 15 years. With the insight of her professional and personal experiences, she had to say the following. “The key to working on one’s self, or internal work, is about self-awareness. Self-Awareness in its holistic form is knowing the ‘good’ within along with the ‘bad’ within. Acknowledging those truths, and working on them is the kind of work that relationships demand to cultivate necessary relationship qualities. I myself have found the man of my dreams by this very own method of internal work. Luckily, I have gotten most of the qualities I wanted to see in a man in my own spouse. The things I forgot to work upon myself, the cosmos conspired for them to find their way to me anyway and made my marriage even better.”
4. Look closely into his relationship goals
More often than not, the real reason a woman feels defeated at not being able to find a good man is not because he lacks the qualities of a good man but because he is afraid of committing to her. The fear of commitment is a common denominator amongst most men which is the real reason a lot of women are disappointed in them.
So before you start scrutinizing his bank balance and checking out his curtains, understanding his dreams or figuring out if he eats ketchup with his pizza or not (hey, that might be a dealbreaker for some), the first point of your checklist should be to understand whether he is ready for a relationship or not.
If you’re here reading this article, trying to make sense of how to meet a good man over 40, then this one is especially for you. If you are looking for a serious and committed relationship or are on the lookout for ‘The One’, the answer to how to find a good man does not lie in his attributes or qualities solely. The tipping point in reality is whether he is willing to offer you the same level of companionship that you are looking for.
5. To find a mature man, think of whether he would make a decent father
Arushi Chaudhary (35), editor at Bonobology urges one to try to become prescient in order to find the right guy. It is possible that you are trying to find a mature man or are in a serious relationship already but are dilly dallying with the thought of making him your partner for life. In such a case, consider this a deciding factor.
She says, “To assess if a man would make a good life partner, pause and think if you’d like to have and raise children with him. Irrespective of whether or not you want children, just flirt with the idea of putting your body through the ordeal of pregnancy and childbirth to advance his gene pool and if he is the father figure you’d imagine for your children. This is also a very important thing to also discuss before marriage. One way or the other, you’ll get clarity.”
It’s safe to say that she might have given you the answer to your predicament about how to find a good man. The definition of a good man is different for all and someone who may fit the bill for one, might not be the right choice for others. But if you take your very own intuitive strength and make it the centre-point of judgement, you might just find the answer you are looking for within yourself.
Related Reading: Umm…Are You Exactly Like Your Parents?
6. Cut the drama to win at how to find a good man
The moment you’ve got yourself a possessive and jealous boyfriend who loses his cool the moment he knows you’re staying over at a friend’s house longer than you intended, you might just have lost the battle of how to find a good man.
If all the famous “My boyfriend doesn’t let me…” memes are already floating in your head, then you know exactly what we are talking about. A man who projects his own internal issues upon you and uses the same as an excuse to govern you is never going to be a real man to you, let alone a good one.
“I’ve done a fair amount of research about attachments, insecurities and how that molds the behaviors of people in relationships. Being part of Facebook groups with Europeans and others has allowed me to understand the concept of how secure a man should be in his relationship. And here are my findings.
There are no 100% secure people. Everyone is a work in progress. But some are much more secure than others and identifying them is the key to how to find a good man. For me a singular pointer is how much, or in this case, how little, the person is attached to drama. The more the drama, the less the security of the individual. So best to steer clear from that.” says Aneeta Babu N (54) who is a GST officer.
That being said, one cannot lose sight of the fact that the definition of a good man varies from person to person. Perhaps for me, the quest of how to find a good man lies in finding somebody who can be devoted to his family and for you it may lie in finding a man who shares the same life goals as you. Our levels are all different but we hope that with these insights, you can at least find the answer to what it is you’re really looking for.
How to find a good man can seem like a long journey because it does involve a lot of work to meet men constantly and be open to getting to know them over and over again. But once you have a better understanding of what you are looking for, it becomes easier to cross the wrong ones out and focus on the right ones when dating for marriage.
Shooting in the dark, hoping your prince charming will come and seize you in the middle of the day is perhaps not the best way to find a good man for marriage. One has to be clear about one’s goals, their understanding of a good man, and have realistic expectations.