Some women tend to fall for married men because they seem more mature, caring, and in some cases, offer financial support. However, if you are involved with a married man, it would help to remember that a fine line exists between a married man who loves you and one who is using you. The signs a married man is using you are difficult to spot especially when you are falling in love.
Pamela was involved with a married man for two years. They were co-workers and she knew he was married, but the magnetism was too strong to resist. They had so much in common, a liking for spicy food and horror movies, a love for hiking and swimming, and they enjoyed playing board games together. She says every date was exciting but after two years, she realized they were still just dating. They didn’t live together. He visited her at her place during the week. Weekends were reserved for his wife and kids. Soon, she felt lonely and craved more of his company. He said he wished he could live with her but after the sex, he always went back home to his wife.
In retrospect, Pamela says even though she had a wonderful experience with a married man, the relationship made her miserable in the long run. In fact, she does not hesitate to say, “I was used by a married man.” She ended up having low self-esteem and lost her faith in falling in love again. To help you recognize the signs early on in your relationship, here they are – the 17 sureshot signs a married man is using you.
17 Sureshot Signs A Married Man Is Using You
In Pamela’s case, the married man insisted he loved her. He said he would do anything for her except leave his wife and home. Initially, this was fine with her until she realized their whole relationship was based on his rules, his needs, and his demands. She was at the losing end of the relationship. If a woman constantly gives in to the demands of a man, in the long run, she loses her self-esteem. Here’s the lowdown on the 17 sureshot signs a married man is using you.
1. He wants to be in an exclusive relationship with you
One of the early signs a married man is using you is when he insists he wants you all to himself. At first, you feel desired and wanted, but have you considered that his rules only apply to you and not to him? He says he will not leave his wife. So while he continues to be with two women, you and his wife, he is in fact cheating on his wife as well as not allowing you to explore other romantic or sexual pursuits.
In the long run, you will say to yourself, much like Pamela did, “I was used by a married man.” And this feeling of being used could negatively color other potentially good relationships.
2. You have strict rules to not call him during certain hours
You can’t call him when you want to, or out of the blue just because you miss him. In fact, he discourages you from calling him in case his wife is around or even double texting him for that matter. He, on the other hand, has full permission to call you any time he wants. And when a married man says he misses you at odd hours of the night or early morning, you know he means he misses your body and not your company. In the early stages of a relationship, most of this does not matter, but in the long run, as you give up more of your time and energy, you will begin to feel drained and start to lose touch with your self-worth.
3. You can’t see him any time you like
This one really hurts. You want to see him and be with him as much as possible. You want to spend long weekends with him lazing at home and watching your favorite show. You even want to go on holiday together. Unfortunately, most of this is not possible. It all depends on his availability but more importantly, on when his wife is not at home. Soon, you’ll see that your whole relationship is not based on your mutual love for each other. Rather, it is tethered to him having the best of both worlds – sharing intimacy with you while safeguarding his marriage.
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4. You can’t be seen together in public
You would like to go out and have a nice dinner with him at a fancy restaurant or go to the movies together. While he refuses to go out in public with you, he pacifies you by offering to order your favorite food or watch a movie from the comfort of your couch. You concede because you don’t want to upset him. Thoughts like “a married man is using me emotionally” are beginning to knock around in your head.
You realize that when he’s with you, he is good at showing you that he cares, but only as long as you pay attention to his needs. He even offers you financial support and soon, it becomes obvious that you have to do his bidding to keep the peace.
5. He doesn’t put in any effort
When you know he is coming over, you dress up, put on your makeup, and wear some sexy lingerie. You know he likes to see you well-dressed no matter how tired you might be. The same efforts do not apply to him. When he arrives at your place, he’s dressed in sportswear. His excuse is that his wife thinks he’s at the gym.
Sometimes, he turns up dressed in old tees and jeans so as not to alert his wife. That he doesn’t make any effort to look nice when he meets you is a relationship red flag. If warning bells are going off in your head and you are wondering, “Is the married man using me for ego boost”, then you are right and you should reconsider your role in this relationship to safeguard your self-esteem.
6. He won’t talk about commitment
The reality is that a married man rarely leaves his wife. When you bring up the topic, he quickly shoots it down by reminding you with a firm voice that he will never leave his wife, even though he complains about her and calls her a crazy wife to you all day, every day.
As a general rule, men hate to file for divorce. It means losing stability, starting over, losing access to their kids, losing their assets, and possibly, even respect in society. So when a married man says he misses you, he does not mean he wants to spend his life with you. He means he would like to spend some of his free time with you and compensate for the lack of commitment by giving you emotional and financial support.
7. You don’t know his friends and family
Of course, you have never met his friends or family. You are a well-kept secret and he only ever meets you at your place. You are not allowed to visit him at his home or his office. You rarely go out together in public. When you check his social media posts, he looks happy hugging his wife, laughing with his friends, and going bowling with his kids.
He is not ashamed to show the world the people who matter to him. Sadly, there are no photos of your happy moments with him. It’s as if you don’t exist. This is one of the most obvious signs a married man is using you.
8. He is always asking you for something
If you feel a “married man is using me emotionally”, or a “married man is using me for ego boost”, then in all probability, you are right. Over time, you’ve become his dumping site. When he’s with you, he complains about his wife and kids. He tells you about his awful boss and how tired he is.
While he dumps his stress on you regularly, he also refuses to make a commitment to you. You are merely a stress reliever for him. The one who listens to him, massages his back, maybe even cooks for him, all the while you have to suppress sharing your problems, your needs, and your desires.
9. He never goes out of his way for you
His wife, his kids, and his work are all more important than you. When you ask him to take you to the doctor, he makes an excuse that he has an important meeting but he offers to arrange an Uber for you. Each time you need him, he makes an excuse as to why he cannot be with you. You begin to feel that you are not his priority. You give him love and you care for him yet when you need something, he’s not there to support you.
He tells you he cannot come with you to a funeral, or be there for you when you’re going through emotional distress, or help you pack, or help you move into your new apartment. At times like these, you realize you are alone in this relationship and cannot rely on him. You are constantly disappointed, and tired of it.
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10. He calls when he’s free
Since the relationship is on his terms, he can call you when he likes, when he is free, or when he feels lonely. But the same rules do not apply to you. Further, it is not necessary that he will take your calls or respond to your texts but you are expected to reply immediately. If you have an emergency, he cannot be relied upon. He might not take your call.
11. He does not check in when you are apart
The signs a married man is using you is that when he leaves your apartment, he is a different man. He shifts his attention away from you and back to his ‘real world’. He does not feel any compulsion to check in on you or find out how your day is going, or even indulge in small talk. The only time he calls is when he has the time or when he feels he needs to see you. Ask yourself, if you had found a good man, would he be doing this?
12. You have to be quiet on the phone when anyone calls him
One of the other indications a married man is using you is that he tells you to be quiet when he gets a call. Sometimes, he leaves the room for more privacy and takes every precaution to make sure his wife or the other person on the call does not know you exist. Don’t ignore the nagging feeling that his wife is still his priority and you will always remain second to her.
13. He insists you have an abortion
If you happen to get pregnant, he insists you get an abortion. He tries to convince you that this is the best decision for both of you. He might even threaten you that he will leave you if you decide to keep the baby. Or he will warn you that he will not take care of you or the baby and withdraw any financial help. You will feel like you don’t even have your basic rights in a relationship.
You will not even have the chance to wonder, ‘Should I have a baby?’ because he will just not let you. This is a very challenging situation for any person and you need to prioritize your health and well-being, and that of your child, should you decide to go ahead and have the baby.
14. He buys your silence
If he is supporting you financially, then he is buying your silence and your obedience. He might even buy you gifts but forgets your birthday or other important dates. He knows that if he buys you things or pays your rent, you’ll be less likely to say anything because you’ll be worried about losing his generosity. Keeping you indebted to him is also his way of making you feel like you ‘owe’ him, and that you should let go of his glaring flaws.
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15. He forgets important dates
A man who loves you will make an effort to remember important dates like birthdays and other occasions. If he forgets constantly and makes no effort to remember, take it as one of the signs a married man is using you. It shows how little he cares about you and your feelings.
16. He doesn’t listen to you
When he comes over, he plonks himself on the sofa and puts on the TV. Then he orders you to fix him a drink, to get him some snacks, and to prepare dinner. The whole time he is engrossed in a basketball game. You try talking to him but he shushes you so he can listen to the game. Even during dinner, the TV is on.
You try to talk to him again, to tell him how your day went or what exciting thing happened at work, but he just shrugs and answers in one-liners. You know he’s not listening to you. He rarely makes eye contact. You know this is a clear signal he doesn’t love you but you make excuses and try to justify his awful behavior toward you.
17. He feels entitled to sex and tries to keep you trapped
The only time he pays you any attention is when he wants to have sex. But when he leaves your apartment, you cease to exist for him. In fact, it’s worse. You become a threat to his real life as a married family man. You soon realize that he puts up with you as long as you give him what he needs. If you refuse to cater to his needs like deny him sex, or break one of the rules, he acts like a victim or threatens you that he’ll leave you.
- A married man who is using you, will never put in too much effort to see or meet you
- Married men who don’t love you but are using you, will always be aloof around you and you will notice how you put most of the effort in the relationship
- A guy who is using you will run in the other direction from the word ‘commitment’
- You usually end up meeting on days or timings that are according to his schedule and plans. He never compromises or makes time for you
- He often forgets important dates like your mom’s birthday and never really treats occasions personally
It’s important to pay attention to the hints that a married man is using you because the longer you continue in an unhealthy relationship, the more difficult it will be for you to envision love entering your life. The constant demands placed on you by your selfish partner, forcing you to adjust your life to his, will leave you devoid of the person you once were. It’s pertinent to remember that if you continue to define this as love where it’s not guaranteed that your partner respects and protects you, then who is to say the next person will treat you any better? Remember, you deserve love and respect.
It takes willpower to rise above the demands of the married man and take control of your life, especially if you are emotionally and financially dependent on him. So the first step is to recognize the signs a married man is using you.
The next step would be to break his hold on you. Refuse financial support from him and seek emotional support from friends, family, or a professional therapist.
Finally, build your self-esteem gradually so you can shift emotionally from “I was used by a married man” to an empowered statement like “I am worthy of respect and true love”.
· Sever all ties with him
· Block him on your phone and social media
· Stop any sexual or emotional encounters with him
· Do not succumb to his pleas and requests for another chance. Remember you gave him plenty of opportunities
· Put yourself first
· Surround yourself with friends, family, and colleagues who love you and make you feel positive
· Replace the feelings of emptiness and loneliness with the people and things that make you feel good. Take up a hobby, join a workshop, learn a new skill or language