What draws women to married men? Well, there are quite a few traits that can make married men attractive to single women. They seem more mature, and caring and, in most cases, are financially stable. However, if you are involved with a married man, you should be able to tell if he loves you and is using you. The trouble is, the signs a married man is using you are difficult to spot, especially when you are smitten.

My friend, 25-year-old Pamela, was involved with her married coworker for two years. The magnetism was too strong to resist. They had so much in common, including their love for spicy food and horror movies. But his weekends were reserved for his wife and kids. Soon, she felt lonely and felt miserable for being his second choice. It was difficult for her to detach from him, but she did it eventually. To help you recognize the signs early on in your relationship and to prevent you from the heartache Pamela faced, we have jotted down 17 sureshot signs a married man is using you. 

17 Sureshot Signs A Married Man Is Using You

What if a married man insists he loves you? What if he says he would do anything for you except leave his wife? In spite of all his claims, you will eventually realize that the whole relationship is based on his rules, his needs, and his demands. And if a woman constantly gives in to the demands of a man, she is bound to lose her self-esteem. 

Related Reading: 25 Reasons You Should Never Have An Affair With A Married Man

More often than not, married men dating single women are either looking for sex or an emotional escape. Such relationships mostly end up as toxic ones, where the woman feels used. The best way to protect yourself is to be aware of where you stand with him—this is one of the foremost rules for having an affair with a married man. To that end, pay attention to this detailed lowdown on the 17 sureshot signs a married man is using you:

1. He love-bombs you

One of the early signs a married man is using you is when he insists very early on that he wants you all to himself. At first, you feel desired and wanted. He love-bombs you by:

• Buying you expensive gifts
• Calling and texting you regularly
• Meeting you often to get intimate

But this is only his manipulative game to have you in his grip. Eventually, you will say to yourself, “I was used by a married man”, much like Pamela did. This is because you will play by his rules once you get emotionally attached. 

2. The relationship is run by his rules 

How to tell if a man is using you for convenience, you ask? Well, here are some rules a married man may impose on you if he’s using you:

• You can’t call or text him when you want to
• You can’t make plans; that prerogative is reserved for him
• He will call you only when he’s free and his wife isn’t around

And when a married man says he misses you at odd hours of the night or early morning, you know he means he misses your body and not your company. This can be extremely detrimental to your self-worth.

Related Reading: 21 Core Relationship Rules To Deepen Your Bond

3. You can’t meet him whenever you like

If you’re a woman in love with a married man, you’d want to see him and be with him as much as possible. You’d want to spend your long weekends with him lazing at home and watching your favorite show. You’d even want to go on a holiday together. 

Unfortunately, most of this won’t be possible, simply because he will meet only when it’s convenient for him. Married men dating single women are sparingly available. But he will get the best of both worlds – sharing intimacy with you while safeguarding his marriage.

4. You can’t be seen together in public

Picture this: you would like to go out and have a nice candle-lit dinner with him at a fancy restaurant or go to the movies together. But he refuses to go out in public with you. Instead, he pacifies you by offering to order your favorite food or watch a movie from the comfort of your couch. You concede because you don’t want to upset him. 

Soon, thoughts like “a married man is using me emotionally” are beginning to mess with your head. This can be really painful if you’re already in love with him.

5. He doesn’t put in any effort

Now, this is one of the most glaring signs of a married player. When you know he is coming over, you dress up, put on your makeup, and wear some sexy lingerie. You know he likes to see you well-dressed no matter how tired you might be. But you don’t see him putting in the same effort in the relationship. He arrives at your place dressed in sportswear. His excuse is that he has told his wife he’ll be at the gym. 

That he doesn’t make any effort to look nice when he meets you is, in any case, a relationship red flag. If you’re wondering, “Is the married man using me?”, you’re probably right and you should reconsider your role in this relationship to safeguard your self-esteem.

Related Reading: 12 Ways Office Affairs Can Spell Trouble For You

6. He won’t talk about commitment

Here’s how to tell if a man is using you for convenience: he will never leave his wife. If you bring up the topic, he will remind you that he will never leave his wife, even though he complains about her and brands her a crazy wife every day. 

A BBC article states what many of us already know: men usually don’t file for divorce. A divorce, for men, means losing stability, starting over, losing access to their kids, losing their assets, and possibly, even a loss of respect in society. 

So, when a married man says he misses you, he does not mean he wants to spend his life with you. He means he would like to spend some of his free time with you but never commit to you.

7. You don’t know his friends and family

If you’re having an affair with a married man, of course, you have never met his friends or family. This essentially translates into:

• You are a well-kept secret, and he only ever meets you at your place
• You are not allowed to visit him at his home or his office
• You rarely go out together in public and avoid meeting anywhere near his place
• His social media posts show him happy, hugging his wife, laughing with his friends, and going bowling with his kids, but you don’t figure anywhere

It’s as if you don’t exist. He keeps you miles away from his family and friends. This is one of the most obvious signs a married man is using you.

Related Reading: How To Get Over A Married Man That I Am Attracted To?

8. He vents but doesn’t have time for your problems

If you have a gut feeling that says, “This married man is using me emotionally”, then, in all probability, you are right. Look out for these signs:

• When he’s with you, he complains about his wife and kids
• He tells you about his awful boss and how tired he is
• While he dumps his stress on you regularly, he has no time to listen to your issues

This means you are merely a stress reliever for him. You listen to him, massage his back, and maybe even cook for him, but without expecting him to be your shoulder to lean on.

9. He’s never there for you

Another of the most prominent signs you’re dating a married player is that his wife, his kids, and his work will always take precedence over you. While it’s understandable that a man trying to balance two relationships may have to dedicate time and energy to his marriage and family, if he is never there for you and you fit into his life as per his convenience, it’s a red flag. Here are some examples:

• When you ask him to take you to the doctor, he tells you he has an important meeting but offers to arrange a cab for you
• He tells you he cannot come with you to your grandma’s funeral
• He tells you he will not be able to help you pack or move into your new apartment

At times like these, you realize you are all by yourself in this relationship and cannot rely on him. You are constantly disappointed.

Related Reading: 16 Ways To Show Affection To Your Partner

10. He calls when he’s free

One of the rules for having an affair with a married man is that you have to accept that the relationship is on his terms: he calls you when he likes, when he is free, or when he feels lonely. Even if you have an emergency, he cannot be relied upon. He might not even receive your call.

Shelly, a 28-year-old teacher from New York who just got out of an affair with a married man, says, “I was used by a married man for a year, and it was a living hell. He used to call me at odd hours, and I would rush to receive his call, whether I was at the salon or at work. But the same didn’t apply to me, as he would only receive my calls when his wife wasn’t around. This devastated me after a while, and I ended the relationship.”

11. He does not check in when you are apart

The signs a married man is using you is that when he leaves your apartment, he is a different man. He shifts his attention away from you and back to his ‘real world’. He does not feel any compulsion to check in on you or find out how your day is going, or even indulge in small talk. The only time he is concerned about you is when he feels he needs to see you for getting physically intimate. 

Related Reading: How I Took My Revenge On A Married Man And Became The She-Devil

12. You have to be quiet around him when someone calls him

In case you’re having an affair with a married man and can’t figure out if he loves you or is using you, well, notice if he tells you to be quiet when he gets a call (even if it’s not from his wife). That’s one definite sign you’re being used. Here are a few more instances to look out for if you’re dating a married man:

• He leaves the room for more privacy 
• He carries his phone to the bathroom to receive calls
• He takes every precaution to make sure the person on the call does not know you exist

Don’t ignore the nagging feeling that his wife is still his priority and you will always play second fiddle to her.

13. If you get pregnant, he’d insist you have an abortion

If he’s married and looking for some fun on the side, he’s never going to let you keep his baby. So, if you happen to get pregnant, he will insist you get an abortion. In such cases, he may:

• Try to convince you that this is the best decision for both of you
• Threaten you that he will leave you if you decide to keep the baby
• Warn you against disclosing anything about the pregnancy to anyone
• Refuse to offer any financial support in case you decide to keep the baby

This may make you feel you don’t even have basic rights in the relationship. This can be a very challenging situation, both physically and emotionally.

Related Reading: A Girl Who Lost Her Virginity To A Married Man Shares Her Experience

14. He buys your silence

If he is supporting you financially, then he is probably buying your silence and your obedience. Let’s look at some instances of this sign:

• He buys you gifts such as expensive lingerie but can’t be emotionally available
• He pays your rent
• He pays for your vacations

You see, if he spends on you, it’s not a sign that he’s investing in you for the future. It’s because you’ll be less likely to say anything back to him when you’re frustrated with this emotional unavailability. You’ll be worried about losing his generosity. Keeping you indebted to him is his way of making you feel like you ‘owe’ him your silence when you feel like accusing him for not being there for you.

15. He forgets important dates

A man who loves you will make an effort to remember important dates like birthdays and other occasions. If he forgets such important dates constantly and makes no effort to remember them even if you remind him from time to time, take it as one of the signs a married man is using you. It shows how little he cares about you and your feelings.

Related Reading: She Had Financial Independence But NO Financial Freedom

16. He doesn’t listen to you

When he comes over, he just puts on the TV, orders you to fix him a drink or to get him some snacks, and starts watching a basketball game. You try talking to him but he shushes you so he can listen to the game. Even during dinner, the TV is on. 

You try to talk to him again, to tell him how your day went or what exciting things happened at work, but he just shrugs and answers in one-liners. You know he’s not listening to you. He rarely makes eye contact. This is a clear signal he doesn’t love you and is using you. 

17. He feels entitled to sex and tries to keep you trapped

The only time he pays you any attention is when he wants to have sex. But when he leaves your apartment, you cease to exist for him. You soon realize that he puts up with you as long as you give him what he needs. 

If you refuse to cater to his needs, like deny him sex or break one of the rules, he acts like a victim or threatens you that he’ll leave you. Well, sister, if this is the scenario, it’s one of the glaring signs a married man is sexually attracted to you and just wants to sleep with you but there’s nothing more to it.

What To Do If A Married Man Is Using You

If you’ve been dating a married man, chances are, you must’ve noticed at least some of the signs mentioned above. Now, what should you do about it? 

A Reddit user has a solution, and here’s what she says, “Tell yourself OVER AND OVER that he has cheating tendencies. Tell yourself over and over that you weren’t special to him, you were convenient and he is unfaithful to his wife. Repeat that. Let that be your narrative every time you see him. And those great qualities he has? They will be found in someone else. Someone faithful and loyal to you.”

Related Reading: How To Watch Out For The Relationship Red Flags – Expert Tells You

But is that the only solution? Not really. We will help you with some more tips to get over a married man who’s been using you:

1. Accept the reality

The best way to deal with this situation is to accept that you’re being used. You will not be able to move on without acknowledging the signs a married man is just sexually attracted to you and that he doesn’t really love you. 

Wendy, a 38-year-old professor from Wisconsin, says, “I was in a 2-year affair with a married man. He would often say he’d leave his wife one day, but that day never came. I was forced to swallow the truth pill and ended things for good when I realized I was being used for sex.”

2. Block him for good

It’s a good idea to block your married affair partner forever. If he doesn’t care about your feelings and isn’t bothered to include you in his future plans, you can ghost him right away. Do yourself a favor and block:

• All his social media handles
• Him on messenger and on your phone
• All unknown numbers he uses to try and contact you 

Related Reading: 13 Traits Of A Toxic Boyfriend – And 3 Steps You Can Take

3. Start dating, but take it slow

Healing means different things to different people, and each woman has her own timeframe for healing. Don’t rush the process. But at the same time, start exploring the dating pool. This is what you can do:

• Get on dating apps and meet people casually. There’s no harm in getting to know new people
• It’s not a good idea to go for a rebound relationship to heal yourself. But have an affair if you want to. This is only advisable if you’re emotionally strong to take the affair as what it is – a short-term feel-good fling
• Don’t end up choosing men who are married and looking for a fling, just to get over the married man you were in love with. You will end up in another mess

4. Work on your self-esteem

It’s crucial to work on self-development and self-worth while detaching yourself from a married man who has been using you. This may be difficult but is extremely necessary. You may be unable to stop thinking about him. This is probably because you may have been attached to him for the validation that you got. Here are a few ways to regain your self-worth:

• Work on your flaws: You need to assess where you’re lacking emotionally so that you don’t get attached to the wrong people again
• Take up old hobbies again: Focus on what you once loved. Dance, music, painting, sculpting – give it another shot and rediscover yourself
• Take care of your health: You need to nurture both your physical and mental health. Meditate, join a gym, join a yoga class – do what it takes to take care of your health

Related Reading: 12 Signs Of Low Self-Esteem In A Woman

5. Seek support from friends and family

It’s always a wise decision to talk to a third party, especially when you’re trying to detach from a toxic relationship/love affair with a married man and are reassessing your decision. Talk it out with a close friend or a family member you trust. 

They may not be able to suggest the best solution but you’ll definitely feel better by getting things off your chest and sharing your misery.

Infographic On Harsh Realities Of Dating A Married Man

Final Thoughts

It’s important to pay attention to the hints that a married man is using you, because the longer you continue in an unhealthy relationship, the more difficult it will be for you to envision love entering your life. The constant demands placed on you by your selfish partner, forcing you to adjust your life to his, will leave you devoid of the person you once were. It’s pertinent to remember that if you continue to define this as love, though it’s not guaranteed that your affair partner respects and protects you, you will end up harming your self-worth. Remember, you deserve true love and respect.

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