(As told to Joie Bose)
Names changed to protect identities
“I forgot to buy the eggs, please don’t create a fuss!” said Avik as he entered the house. He looked tired. His clothes were impeccable as ever, but his face seemed as if only a steamroller could solve his worries. I quickly debated in my mind, whether it would be now or whether it would be later. There was a time bomb ticking in my head. If I told him now, he would get more worried. If I didn’t…
It’s been a while
I’ve been in a live-in relationship with Avik for more than three years now. Five months ago when my family found out, they wanted us to get married immediately. People from Cuttack are not liberals at heart. Yes, we have many temples where ancient porn is carved in stones on the wall but sex or the fact people have sex without getting married is a taboo. Sex is a taboo. Really!
I think everyone in Cuttack thinks that you need to pray to God to get babies. Perhaps that’s why there are so many temples around.
I had to run away from Cuttack to Calcutta when I realised that I didn’t want to live without Avik and was terribly in love with this man. Everyone knows everyone in Cuttack and meeting Avik was becoming tough. He comes from a liberal Bengali family and his job brought him here. We were deep into our relationship for four years when he suggested I move in. He took a job transfer and I ran away. I got a job eventually. That happened more than three years ago.
Things changed, we changed
Equations change in all relationships. When my parents found out about our live-in relationship, they weren’t as cool as Avik’s mother was. They wanted us to get married. When I asked him, he told me he doesn’t believe in marriage. He comes from a broken family and he thinks marriages don’t last. “It might be that tomorrow you find someone else who makes you happier,” he said. He was so casual. My conventional Cuttack mind-set accepted many things but couldn’t accept this, that ours was a potential open relationship and that it could end any day.
Related reading: I lived-in for a year and I’ll never regret it!
From that day onwards, I became a little different. I stalked him on Facebook and anytime a girl sent a heart or asked him casually, “When do we meet next?” I panicked. It was terrible to feel this way. Avik did nothing to reassure me. I confided in a colleague who suggested I take a break from this relationship. An opportunity to stay in South Korea for a project came, I applied and got through. Avik was happy to know of it. If he was sad, he didn’t show it. He was going through a bad phase at work. Perhaps bad luck comes together.
I need to say this
“No eggs at home, no problem. But there is something else I wanted to tell you,” I told Avik. He quietly changed his clothes without paying me any heed.
“I guess I don’t want to be with you anymore,” I said.
“Because I didn’t get eggs?” he asked with a tone of ridicule.
“No,” I replied.
“Are you going to Korea because you found someone there?”
The question came out so spontaneously that I knew this was at the back of his mind. He was so embittered by his parents’ relationship that he never trusted us and the more he loved me, the less he showed it and the more open he kept it. A psychiatrist friend helped me understand him better later on but at that point of time, I fought with him. I fought with him because I loved him and wanted him to love me voraciously and zealously and I wanted to submit to him. Our relationship ended on a sour note as I came away to Seoul.
Related reading: I’m in a friends-with-benefits relationship and I love it!
We’re better apart
I’ve been here for some time now. I’ve gone out on a couple of dates. I posted pictures of them on Facebook as well. Avik comments on them. With me gone, he has no fear of losing me. He has become funny and interesting. We talk so much now. We Skype! We’re good friends and I often miss him. But I’m not sure if a relationship will work out with him. I’m also not sure if I will be able to delete him from my life. I’m in such an unsure state, it’s not funny. But then again, we’re all in such states, aren’t we?