An unhappy marriage is not some unheard concept. Not every marriage is full of love and gives you butterflies while you cook together in the kitchen every morning or smile when sleeping next to each other every night.
A loveless marriage is unfortunately a sad reality for many relationships today. Traversing through them can be tough because an unhappy marriage may never meet your expectations. However, this is just one of those things that you have to deal with in real life.
This Is How Marriage Is In Real Life
“Misha, where is my shirt?”
“How should I know?”
“Dilip, will you sleep next to me tonight? I’m feeling scared.”
“Misha, did you pay the electric bill?”
“Dilip, we are invited to the Singhi wedding on Sunday.”
“I don’t want to go. If you want you can go. I have no issues.”
Marriage is a farce. My marriage is a joke. Somewhere amidst the many “Nos” that we have told each other, we lost track. We lost the love. We lost the care. My unhappy marriage was the reality of my life now and I was too tired to fix a broken marriage. Perhaps that is why I refrain from going for any weddings now. I have lost too much faith.
Weddings are a show these days, we all know it. How many people were invited? That only shows your contacts and how many reputable people you are in touch with. How many people came to the marriage? That shows your influence over the people around you. How much money was spent? Marriage and money go hand-in-hand. That shows your worth to people.
Although we were date I hadn’t given marriage a thought yet. I wanted it to be a natural progression. My father in an attempt to show off, and Misha’s father, to show off his worth had put me through a lot of pressure till I succumbed and consented to getting married to Misha.
The fact that she had not protested to the pressure but in fact questioned my love for her, got me a little unnerved. I wanted to prove to her as well that I loved her and got married. Marriage is not a proof of love.
Related Reading: They love each other but are not sure of marriage
It was different when we were dating
Marrying her wasn’t the correct decision and in fact for a guy like me, marriage itself wasn’t the correct decision. Right now I’m in an unhappy marriage and one where there is absolutely no love. When we were dating I used to stand outside her house by the corner, smoking cigarette after cigarette just waiting to get a glimpse of her. It was an exciting time.
I was confident about my love for her. I used to then take her to her parlor, tuition and even her friend’s houses and wait for her eagerly. I felt grateful that she was allowing me to ferry her.
A sight of her, her smile and her cutely saying hello to me, would melt me. I had forsaken my friends for her, my love. Now, let alone love, there is no physical relationship between us. The touch of the hands that drove me to ecstasy feels cold. Love after marriage simply does not exist, at least not in my experience.
The mouth I craved to kiss was the same that had uttered the mean words and I didn’t feel like kissing it again. No, I have not slept with my wife in ages. I never imagined I would some day be in a sexless marriage.
Before marriage that was what I longed to do and we got intimate at every chance. But now, somehow things have gone amiss. The family of Mr and Mrs Sinha (us) is not a family. It’s two people staying under the same roof. And I often wonder, what is that worth?
This unhappy marriage could be both our faults
You could blame me for turning cold. It is true that I am not a romantic person. But honestly, I don’t feel the need to be romantic. Everything seems forced with her now.
She used to force me into buying her things after marriage, despite knowing that it was tough for me to afford that. She wanted to show to the world that her husband was wealthy and a diamond or a designer bag would show that. The time I gave her was nothing in front of these material things. We were clearly stuck in a loveless marriage.
Marriage changes people. It truly does. She even said once that instead of running after her like a possessive husband I could spend that time in doing something that brought in cash for her. Her material possessions held far more importance to her than my love for her.
She didn’t feel that when I used to stand outside her house. I had bunked so many tuitions for her. Our childish love was far greater and far more pure than what we have now. But now, marriage and money are synonyms for her. I don’t want to be crude and call her a gold digger but I feel like I am being used.
Maybe this is how love is
Some days ago, I went out with a bachelor friend for a drink. As our single pegs became a couple and more, he started telling me about all the action he gets. I can’t say a pang of envy hit me first. He started showing me pictures of girls he had had flings and affairs with.
I was smiling to hide my disappointment, but he mistook it. “Dilip, you’re smirking at me? Everyone is not so lucky to find completeness in one woman. You might have constancy, but I have variety… Variety is the spice of life…Don’t worry, one day I too will be married…” he said.
At that moment my envy changed. I laughed at the irony. “At least you have hope bro, my life is finished!” “What finished? If I had a wife, I would finish myself for her…”
I couldn’t go back home that night to my unhappy marriage and perpetuate the sadness that I felt. I went back to my office and slept there. I’m finished as a person sometimes I feel. Why don’t I get out of it? I don’t know. Or rather I don’t want to admit that I know.
Related Reading: Should You Stay In An Unhappy Marriage With Kids?
Can I find love with her again?
There is a part of me that wants to rekindle things between Misha and me. But there is so much miscommunication between us. A healthy relationship needs communication, understanding, compromise, sacrifice none of which we have.
We are not on the same page anymore. If I shower her with material things she is happy but she doesn’t realise that I still crave for that simple girl I used to take to tuition classes, who didn’t care about brands and image.
I feel she values things and stamps and acknowledgement from the world more than my love. Or rather perhaps love is just that for her. That’s not my definition. I want to try to understand her but this is not the kind of love that I believe in.
I think love is that feeling that attracts two people like magnets and makes one another unreasonably happy. And since that is not there, I don’t feel like touching her in this loveless marriage. I don’t know why she behaves so toxic.
I can’t wrap my head around how small she makes me feel sometimes. Perhaps this is how all women are after all. And if so be it, how can I ever feel attracted to someone like Misha, no matter how sexy and hot she might be? Sex appeal is not enough to find love.
(As told to Joie Bose)
You are in an unhappy marriage if there is a lack of understanding and a difference in core values. You don’t spend time together, argue a lot and are happier away from each other.
A loveless marriage does not have to be one for long. By practicing effective communication, couples therapy exercises at home and going on romantic adventures you can rekindle the love in an unhappy marriage. A counsellor can help you too in straightening out the issues in your marriage so that you don’t suffer in silence.