Developing a healthy sexual relationship
For a couple, being sexually compatible and having a healthy sex life is as important as sharing common future goals or having compatible personalities. Such is the story of a married couple. Sunil and Priti dated for a few months before getting married during which phase they were not sexually involved. After marriage Priti realised that even though she really enjoyed getting intimate with Sunil, she did not want intercourse as frequently as he did. Initially she went along with it even when she was not in the mood because she did not know how to say no without hurting his feelings. Over a period of time, this led to bitterness in the marriage. She found herself constantly annoyed with Sunil over the smallest things. Due to this, she would purposely withhold sex as a means of punishing him. Eventually this caused a rift in the marriage and they decided to seek counselling.
Not being able to say no?
Things are better for them and they have returned to being the happy couple they are now. However, the issue of individuals not being able to say no to their partners for sex is one that is commonly found in most marriages and long-term relationships during the early phases. At this time, couples are still getting comfortable with each other and often are incredibly cautious of their partner’s feelings.
Sometimes you are just not in the mood and this can be difficult to convey.
Related reading: This is why married couples don’t get to have daytime sex
Choosing your words carefully
According to sexologists these are some of the ways that are effective in letting your partner down gently.
- Giving a reason can be helpful and you can save the other person the trouble of wondering what they did wrong. This is also a good way of letting them know that your reluctance has nothing to do with them. Even an excuse as simple as “I am tired, just want to watch Netflix and sleep” should do the trick.
- You could say no and then follow up with a time you think should work better. This way the disappointment seems brief. For example, you could say, “Not now, but how about tomorrow morning after the kids leave for school?”
- If possible, you could also inform your partner beforehand. For instance, if you know you are going to have a long day at work you could say something in the morning. This will avoid any disappointment or confusion because he will be prepared.
- You could simply say no and use other methods of intimacy like cuddling or holding hands. Perhaps initiate a deep conversation?
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