Relationships 101

7 ways to date a married man without getting hurt

woman dating a married man

You did not plan to date a married man, but one fine day you find yourself drawn to someone who is not yours. It may have started as casual dating but now you have developed feelings for him and it is hard to let go of them. Your emotions have gotten the better of you and you find yourself helplessly in love with someone who is already married.

The truth be told, it is going to hurt. But if you really feel that he is the ‘one’ and the rational side of your brain feels he deserves a chance, then you can take these steps to date him, but also live your life, so that when the inevitable happens, you have something (or someone) to fall back on.

If a married man is serious about you, he will shield you from all the mess in his life and initiate the separation process early on. He will take you out for coffee, have dinner with you, but will not coerce or bully you into having a physical relationship with him unless he is divorced and you are comfortable. That’s what decent men do.

1. Take it really slow

It may be difficult to ignore the sexual tension building up and not take it to the next level, but taking things slow will give you time to know him better. By taking things slow, you will be able to judge whether his feelings for you are real or not. If his motive is to have you under him, and he does not see that happening, he may get tired of pursuing you and show you his true colours. Even if it is touching, hugging or kissing, do not let him feel that he can have a physical relationship with you without connecting with you on an emotional level.

Eventually, it will hurt less if he simply chooses to end the relationship because you are taking too long, but it will be a better end to it.

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2. Observe if you have any non-sexual chemistry with him

Apart from the butterflies in the stomach, figure out if you have anything else in common. Do you feel comfortable when he is around? Are you able to confide in him? Do you share the same family values? How is his lifestyle? Answers to questions like this will help you determine if you really have something other than sex to share with each other. Keep in mind that when the realities of life strike, sex is the first thing that jumps off the window.

Before you get physical with him, listen to what your heart really says. Do you feel like hugging him? Can you stare into each other’s eyes as lovers? Does he seduce you with his touch? If the answer is ‘yes’, you do have sexual chemistry with him for sure, but that alone will not take your relationship a long distance. Make sure you know what you are getting into.

3. If he tells you he will divorce his wife, ask him when

A married man is likely to tell you a sob story – how his wife has changed over the years, how the marriage happened in a jiffy, how she does not understand him and much more. Not to say that all married men cook up these stories to have an extramarital affair, but pretty much so. Since you feel attracted to him, it is your right to know what your future will be like. If he says he is going to get separated from his wife or file for divorce, ask him when.

By asking him these questions, you will make him understand that you are not looking for a sexual fling, but something rather serious. Plus, you will keep your priorities clear. If your and his feelings are genuine, the two of you would make things go fast and smooth to be together. If he refuses to give you a date, or comes up with excuses, you know what you are dealing with. The choice then remains yours.

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4. If he has given a date, ask for proof

If a married man says he is looking out for love and you seem perfect, and he is already in the process of getting a legal separation from his wife, do not just jump in elation and joy. Stay grounded and ask for proof. You need to know what the settlement looks like, who will hold the custody of kids (if any) and other details. He may tell you he has moved out or lives separately, but that cannot be enough to be with him. He can go back to his wife anytime – and mind you, couples reconcile their differences many times.

Basically, unless there is a legal process going on and the decree is signed, it makes no sense to be with a married man who can only offer you promises of a future, but not a future.

5. Enquire about him and his family from other people

Many married men weave stories of how their wives ruined their lives to convince a woman to have an affair with them. Some men resort to lying straight-faced, while others play the game diplomatically. Do not believe him if he says he does not have sex with his wife and only loves you. And, just to convince yourself, do enquire about him from other people. Other colleagues, any friends or neighbours you can talk to, or anyone who’d know the family as a whole. You may be startled when people tell you he and his wife make such a cute couple!

‘So much in love that they both couldn’t keep their hands off each other at the New Year’s Party!’

Like what?

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6. Do not let him take advantage of you

Apart from sex, a man may take advantage of you financially as well. He uses your body to satisfy his sexual urges, and then tells you a story how his kids are not his and he needs money to send to his poor mother because his wife has thrown her out of the house. You straightaway hand him a cheque! And then comes the jewellery and slowly your bank accounts are in a sorry state.


Do not just be that stupid woman who goes bankrupt and loses all her money in love! Be practical. First, this should not be your bedroom. Second, sympathise, empathise but do not take his problems on yourself. Let him sort his issues, and when the right time comes and you are something in his life, take ownership.

7. Keep your options open by meeting other people

You like this married man. You really feel he is the ‘one’. You are in love.

But he is already taken.

No matter how many promises he makes to you or how much drawn you feel to him, he is living his life and you should live yours. Keep on meeting new people, do not cut off your friends, and do not shy away from dating. Love him, cherish the time you spend with him and all of that, but unless you are okay with being a mistress, it would be stupid to give your whole time to him.

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Also, while he can go back to his family any time, if you are socialising with other people, you may have a chance to move forward, too. You will be heartbroken, for sure, but the pain will be less because you conducted yourself with dignity. You have not lost your self-respect and that’s huge.

If a married man is serious about you, he will shield you from all the mess in his life and initiate the separation process early on. He will take you out for coffee, have dinner with you, but will not coerce or bully you into having a physical relationship with him unless he is divorced and you are comfortable. That’s what decent men do.

Remember, if a married man and you are ‘made for each other’ and he is truly the ‘one’ for you, he has to be legally single and available to make it come true.

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  1. Dating married men can be complicated. I think I completely agree to the author where she recommends you to go slow. Take your time to anaylze if he is actually interested or just having fun. If you two are serious, do something about it or else there is no point in ruining three lives at a time!

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