You did not ever actually plan to date a married man. Nobody ever does. But that one day at a common friend’s place, you meet this man who was alone on the inside even though he was married and the two of you spent a long time together chatting and sharing. You go back to your place knowing he is off-limits but feel a strong attraction to him and don’t know what to do about it. You can’t really resist it, but you know it’s not something you should impulsively act on.
The next morning, he sends you an innocent message, and before you know it, you are chatting with this married man who is stealing your heart a little more every day. Chats and conversations are still innocent and you don’t really dive into deep waters. Soon enough though, he asks you out on a casual date but your feelings for him have gone way beyond casual.
He has become a habit for you now and no amount of wisdom or self-counseling can keep you away from this married man, you are head-over-heels in love with. To be honest, this relationship can not have a happy ending. Someone or the other will get hurt as a result of your relationship with a married man. In all probability, all three of you: you, the other woman, his wife, and he himself.
If there are kids in the equation, then they too will suffer immensely because of this relationship. Dating married men come with a big set of problems. But we are sure that you already know this and yet are unable to do anything about this prince charming who has come into your life. Since you are already dating him, we will help you figure a way to control the damage to yourself. Remember not to make him the center of your universe because when it ends – and believe us it will – you should have enough avenues to take so that your life can go back to normalcy after what will be a terrible and painful heartbreak.
You must have something and someone to fall back on. Make sure that before you go any further, you try to understand whether these feelings are arising out of true love or just a mid-life crisis in your life. If a married man is serious about you, he will shield you from all the mess in his life and initiate the separation process early on. He will take you out for coffee, and have dinner with you, but will not coerce or bully you into having a physical relationship with him unless he is divorced and you are comfortable and guilt-free about the whole thing.
However, when emotions are involved, relationships don’t always follow the ideal trajectory and things get messy more often than not. It’s possible that you may start seeing a married man long before he has sorted out things on the marital front. If you do, it’s imperative to protect your feelings and not get sucked in too deep.
How exactly do you play this game with caution? We bring you some ways of dating a married man without getting hurt in consultation with emotional wellness and mindfulness coach Pooja Priyamvada (certified in Psychological and Mental Health First Aid from Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health and the University of Sydney), who specializes in counseling for extramarital affairs, breakups, separation, grief, and loss, to name a few.
Date A Married Man Successfully — How To Keep Going
So you are in love with this tall, beautiful man and can’t really see yourself being with anybody but him. The fact that he’s married and already has a family does not bother you or stop you from being with him. You’re enamored, charmed, and smitten by this guy — to say the very least. While falling in love is not something that happens according to plan and you certainly can’t choose who you fall for, you can though, try to be smarter about it. If you are in a situation wondering how to date a married man to make him yours forever, you have to try to be more mature about the whole thing.
First and foremost, you need to understand his intentions better than anything else. Just because he’s buying you one too many dinners, it’s not a reason for you to believe that you are the love of his life. When you date a married man, you have to be more assertive about your wants in the relationship and more circumspect about the things he says and does around you. If he always picks up his wife’s call with a, “Hey baby” or often walks out on you to tend to her, know that you are perhaps not the love of his life.
Being smart is key to dating a married man successfully. And to do so, there are quite a few tips you can follow.
How To Date A Married Man?
Alas, sometimes we cannot see the rationale and race headfirst into situations and connections that cause us pain and anguish. By now we are sure your close friends or other confidants have also warned you regarding the consequences of an affair with a married man and you have tried your best to save yourself from it too.
“Dating a married man who is unhappy in his marriage is a total waste of time,” your well-wishers may have told you. But you’re stuck in the ‘the heart wants what it wants’ phase, and don’t see the red flags – whether it is the signs a married man is using you or the emotional baggage that comes with dating a married man who is separated.
The fact that you are reading this means you are now beyond that point of being pragmatic about this situation. However, this doesn’t change the fact that the psychological effects of being the other woman can be daunting. So, it’s vital that you find ways to not let this connection, no matter how exciting or fulfilling it feels right now, take a toll on your mind and heart. That’s where a few important ‘dating a married man rules’ come in.
We bring to you a few such rules which you must follow to protect yourself in whatever way you can now that you are in a relationship with a married man. Here are a few pointers on how to date a married man and actually be happy:
Related Reading: 7 Ways To Handle A Married Man Flirting With You
1. Take it slow when you date a married man
It may be difficult to ignore the sexual tension building up and not take it to the next level as soon as you can. But taking things at a slower pace will give you time to get to know him better. You will get time to judge whether his feelings for you are real or if he is just bored in his marriage and using an affair with you just to spice things up a bit and feel some kind of a distraction.
You must know whether his relationship with you is just about scoring and boasting to his friends (you know men do that right?) or whether he genuinely cares about you. To get to the bottom of the same, you must take things slow with him. Taking things slow will unravel his true motive. If his goal is just to bed you, he may get tired of the wait and go on to the next catch.
Even if it is touching, hugging or kissing, do not let him feel that he can have a physical relationship with you without connecting with you on an emotional level first, that’s the most important trick to dating married men. Ensure the relationship is not just about sex. If he pushes you to consent to having sex with him when you’re not ready, make no mistake that it is one of the biggest signs a married man is using you and you need to get out of this relationship as soon as possible.
Know that eventually, it will hurt less if he simply chooses to end the relationship because you are taking too long or you opt-out because you see the warning signs. The easiest way out of dating a married man is if the relationship ends sooner rather than later. Quite the truth bomb, we know, but you needed to hear this.
2. Observe if you have any non-sexual chemistry with him
How to date a married man and know if he truly loves you or not? Apart from the butterflies in the stomach, figure out if you have other non-physical compatibilities with its guy. Is he fun to be around even when you two are not touchy and feely? Do you feel comfortable around him? Can you confide in him? Do you share the same values and principles? What about his lifestyle? Answers to questions like these will help you understand if you have something other than sex to connect on. After all, how long can a relationship last if it’s based just on sex?
When you start dating a married man who is unhappy in his marriage, you might feel convinced that he loves you and not his wife. But don’t just pay heed to what he says, and try to focus a little bit on how he is around you. Can he devour wine like you and sit and talk about the movies for hours? Does he enjoy the things that you enjoy doing like cooking, traveling, gardening and reading? “People only think of romance as physical love. However, it does involve a lot of humor, camaraderie, and more. If you’re unsure about the future of your relationship with a married man, the ability to have a great time together, other than sex, can be a good scale to measure how well suited you are as partners,” says Pooja.
Before you get physical with him, listen to what your heart says. Do you feel like hugging him? Can you stare into each other’s eyes as lovers? Does he seduce you with his touch? If the answer is yes, you do have sexual chemistry or sexual compatibility with him for sure, but that alone will not make your relationship last. Make sure you know what you are getting into when you start t date a married man.
Related Reading: 18 Complications Of Having An Affair With A Married Man
3. If he tells you he will divorce his wife, ask him when
When it comes to the list of ‘dating a married man rules’, you absolutely cannot ignore this one. It’s one thing to be dating a married man who is separated, but if you’re in a relationship with someone who is not just married on paper but also still with his wife, you must tread cautiously. A married man is likely to tell you a sob story – how his wife has changed over the years, how the marriage happened in a jiffy, how she does not understand him and much more.
We are not saying that all married men use these stories to get into an extramarital affair, but you will find that they almost always express issues in their marriage to convince you that they are not happy, hence, the attraction toward you. Most of the time this is the furthest from the truth. And it’s your job to get to the bottom of the same.
Ask him for a timeline of what his plans are about how to exit his marriage. If he says he is going to positively get separated from his wife or file for divorce, ask him when he plans to do so. If he dilly-dallies, know what is in store for you and consider this a major red flag in your relationship. By asking him these questions, you will make him understand that you are not looking for a casual fling, but something serious. Plus, you will also have a checkpoint to see whether his responses are in line with your priorities.
If your and his feelings are genuine, the two of you would want to take things to the next level quickly and smoothly and be together. If he refuses to give you a date or comes up with excuses, you know what you are dealing with. The choice then is yours. This is an important rule to date a married man.
4. If he has given a date, ask for proof
If you are in love with a married man who says he is looking for love, has found it with you, and is already in the process of getting a legal separation from his wife, do not just believe everything he says. Ask for proof for the same. His words mean nothing if he has nothing else to substantiate them with. Ask him what is the ground on which he has filed for divorce with his wife.
How to date a married man? Be alert at all times and gather all the information that you can get. You need to know what the settlement looks like, who will hold the custody of kids (if any), and other such details. He may tell you he has moved out, is unhappy in his marriage, or lives separately from his family, but that cannot be enough for you to be with him. He can go back to his wife anytime – and mind you, couples reconcile their differences many times. Unless there is a legal process going on and the decree is signed, it makes no sense to be with a married man who can only offer you promises of a future, but not a real future at all.
Even if you’re dating a married man who is separated or someone who is ready to give up on his marriage for you, know that your relationship will never be just about the two of you. “Often married men will be hugely invested emotionally in their children, if any, from their current or previous relationship. Their commitment to that relationship must be respected with grace,” Pooja advises.
5. Enquire about him and his family from other people
One of the rules for sleeping with married men is that you can’t keep your eyes closed throughout the process of being with this guy. Trust him, but not too much. Try to get information about him and his life from other sources, if you can. Many married men weave stories of how their wives ruined their lives, forcing them to find solace in the arms of another woman. However, the real reasons why married men have affairs can be markedly different from the predictable sob story that has been used way past its expiration date. Some men resort to lying straight-faced, while others play the game diplomatically.
Do not believe him if he says he does not have sex with his wife and only loves you. And, just to convince yourself, do enquire about him from other common friends. Do this with the utmost secrecy and only with people you trust totally. Other colleagues, friends or neighbors, or anyone who’d know the family could be the source. You may be startled when people tell you that he and his wife make such a cute couple.
“So much in love that they both couldn’t keep their hands off each other at the New Year’s Party!” We understand that learning that your partner is happy in his marriage is bound to sting. However, if that is in fact the case, it’s best to find out and come to the realization that dating a married man can be a huge waste of time if you don’t go about it the right away.
6. When you date a married man, do not let him take advantage of you
In love with a married man? Well, know this then. Apart from just sex, a married man may also take advantage of you financially as well. He uses your body to satisfy his sexual urges and then tells you a story of how his kids are not his and he needs money to send to his poor mother because his wife has thrown her out of the house. It’s quite the story and you’ll hear it a lot from people who have often indulged in dating married man.
So when he tells you that, you straightaway hand him a cheque. And then comes the jewelry and slowly your bank accounts are in a sorry state. In that case, your married lover just wants money and sex. He might be doing it subtly too. Seeing you earn handsomely, he could tell you about that T-shirt he fancied at a mall or the perfume he’s always been meaning to buy and you surprise him with a gift instantly.
Do not be that woman who loses all her money in love. Be smart, look for clues. Think of his sorry stories: are they well patterned? Think of the timing: does it seem structured? He may know your vulnerable points and may use them to get you to give him what he wants. If he does tell you his stories, listen to them, sympathize with him, and know that in the end, his finances and family are his problems, not yours.
Related Reading: Confession Story: How I Dealt With Having An Affair With My Boss
7. Keep your options open by meeting other people
You love this married man. You feel he is the ‘one’. You are in love. He finds you irresistible. Agreed, we get it. But he is already taken. No matter how many promises he makes, he has a life beyond you and a full one with work, a spouse perhaps children, and friends.
“Men often are in that stage of their careers where their work takes the most part of their time and attention. Finding couples-only time in such a situation is a challenge but can be definitely worked out with communication,” says Pooja. Besides that, it’s important that you have a full life too.
Keep meeting new people, do not cut off your friends, and do not shy away from dating other people, or at least, consider it. Love him, and cherish the time you spend with him, but unless you are okay with being a mistress, it would not be wise to date a married man and just have him as the ‘only’ person in your life. For your sanity and well-being, do yourself a favor and try to emotionally check out of this relationship by being available to other people who might be worth your time.
Also, remember, irrespective of how well your relationship with a married man is going, there will be times when he’d have to go back to his family. During these times, it helps to have a support system of friends and close ones you can spend your time with rather than waiting for him to be free and available.
You must always be mindful of the fact that seeing a married man almost always comes with an expiration date. Despite the advantages of dating a married man, this relationship is going to bring you many, many problems. Successful, lifelong affairs are an exception, not the norm. Even if you want to keep things going, he may decide to end the relationship for a number of reasons, such as:
- His wife found out and gave him an ultimatum
- He got bored with the relationship
- He just cannot manage the time for this extra relationship as his work has stepped up
- He is tired of the lying and sneaking around
- You have started asking too many questions and he has decided to end it to avoid that.
If this happens, you will have your circle of friends and people to help you out of this crisis. And even if your relationship with a married man turns into a lasting bond, it will take a lot of effort from both sides to sustain it. “Relationships in the latter stages of life do come with a lot of emotional baggage from all ends, be it of previous relationships gone wrong or personal trauma. A more empathetic approach toward oneself and partner is key to making it work. Share, speak up, don’t keep it bottled in,” advises Pooja on how to date a married man.
Even if a married man and you are made for each other and he is truly the ‘one’ for you, he has to be legally single for your connection to transform into a real, meaningful relationship. You cannot be dating a married man forever. You have to put yourself first, always remember that.
You know a married man is falling in love with you when he cares for you genuinely and is attentive to you even when you do not show much interest in a physical relationship with him.
Human beings are historically polygamous people and it is possible for both men and women to love two people at the same time. That’s how open relationships and polyamorous relationships survive.
The dangers of dating a married man are that he could be lying to you about his cold relationship with his wife when everything is hunky-dory at home. He might give you false promises of a happily ever after with you and you might keep waiting forever. In the end, you will be only left with the lessons you learn from the affair.
There are no particular rules to date a married man but always keep your avenues open and an escape route ready. So that you don’t have to deal with the hurt and wallow in self-pity when he decides to discontinue the relationship with you.
The answer to this question is subjective and depends on a person’s morality and situation. But we can tell you, that it happens quite often that people find themselves in love in such a way.