You did not ever plan to date a married man, but one day at a common friend’s place you meet this man who was alone but married and the two of you spent a long time together chatting and sharing. You go back home knowing he is off-limits but feel a strong attraction to him and don’t know what to do about it. The next morning he sends you an innocent message forward and before you know you are chatting with this married man who is stealing your heart a little more every day. Chats and conversations are still innocent. He asks you out on a casual date but your feeling for him has gone way beyond casual! He has become a habit and no amount of wisdom or self-counselling can keep you away from this married man, you are head over heels in love!
To be honest, this relationship can not have a happy ending. Someone or the other will get hurt, in all probability all three of you, you the other woman, his wife and he himself. If there are kids in the equation then they too will suffer because of this relationship that. But we are sure that you already know this and yet are unable to do anything about this prince charming who has come into your life. Since you are already dating him, we will help you figure a way to control the damages to yourself. Remember not to make him the whole and soul of your life because when it ends and believe us it will, you should have enough avenues to take so that your life can go back to normalcy after what will be a terrible and painful heartbreak. You must have something and someone to fall back on! Make sure before you go any further whether it really is love or just a mid-life crisis in your life!
If a married man is serious about you, he will shield you from all the mess in his life and initiate the separation process early on. He will take you out for coffee, have dinner with you, but will not coerce or bully you into having a physical relationship with him unless he is divorced and you are comfortable. That’s what a person who actually cares about you will do! He will also encourage you to find a man who is free and can be your life partner.
How to date a married man
Alas, sometimes we cannot see the rationale and race headfirst into what will cause us pain and anguish. By now we are sure your close friends or other confidants have also warned you regarding the consequences of an affair with a married man and you have tried your best to save yourself from it too. The fact that you are reading this means you are now beyond that point. As a last bid, we give you the stories of women who feel guilty because their husbands have cheated!
We, however, bring to you a few rules which you must follow to protect yourself in whatever way you can now that you are in a relationship with a married man! Here are a few pointers on how to date a married man and be happy.
1. Take it slow
It may be difficult to ignore the sexual tension building up and not take it to the next level, but taking things at a slower pace will give you time to know him better. You will get time to judge whether his feelings for you are real or if he is just bored in his marriage and using you to just up spice things a bit. You must know whether it is just about scoring and boasting to his friends (you know men do that right?) or whether he genuinely cares about you. Taking things slow will unravel his true motive; if his goal is just to bed you, he may get tired of the wait and go on to the next catch. Even if it is touching, hugging or kissing, do not let him feel that he can have a physical relationship with you without connecting with you on an emotional level. Read a story where our reader shares that the relationship was just not about the sex, see if you can find parallel to it.
Eventually, it will hurt less if he simply chooses to end the relationship because you are taking too long, trust us, in the long run, this will hurt less! The easiest way out of dating a married man is if he dumps you sooner than later, cause he will find a way to get out of it.
2. Observe if you have any non-sexual chemistry with him
How to date a married man? Apart from the butterflies in the stomach, figure out if you have other non-physical compatibilities. Is he fun to be around even when you guys are not touchy and feely? Do you feel comfortable around him?
Can you confide in him? Do you share the same values and principles? What about his lifestyle? Answers to questions like these will help you understand if you have something other than sex, how long can a relationship last just on sex. Here’s a video by our expert Deepak Kashyap on compatibility issues.
Before you get physical with him, listen to what your heart says. Do you feel like hugging him? Can you stare into each other’s eyes as lovers? Does he seduce you with his touch? If the answer is ‘yes’, you do have sexual chemistry with him for sure, but that alone will not make your relationship last. Make sure you know what you are getting into.
3. If he tells you he will divorce his wife, ask him when
A married man is likely to tell you a sob story – how his wife has changed over the years, how the marriage happened in a jiffy, how she does not understand him and much more. We are not saying that all married men use these stories to get into an extramarital affair, but you will find that they almost always express issues in their marriage to convince you that they are not happy, hence the attraction towards you. Most of the time this is the furthest from the truth. Ask him for a timeline of what his plans are about how to exit his marriage. If he says he is going to get separated from his wife or file for divorce, ask him when. If he dilly-dallies know what is in store for you. Here we must also bring you the divorce and alimony laws in India and how difficult they really are.
By asking him these questions, you will make him understand that you are not looking for a casual fling, but something serious. Plus, you will also have a checkpoint to see whether his responses are in line with your priorities. If your and his feelings are genuine, the two of you would make things go fast and smooth to be together. If he refuses to give you a date or comes up with excuses, you know what you are dealing with. The choice then is yours. This is an important rule to date a married man.
4. If he has given a date, ask for proof
If a married man says he is looking for love and he has found it with you and that is already in the process of getting a legal separation from his wife, do not just believe everything he says. Ask for proof. Ask him what is the ground on which he has filed for divorce, is it uncontested? You need to know what the settlement looks like, who will hold the custody of kids (if any) and other such details. He may tell you he has moved out or lives separately, but that cannot be enough to be with him. He can go back to his wife anytime – and mind you, couples reconcile their differences many times.
Unless there is a legal process going on and the decree is signed, it makes no sense to be with a married man who can only offer you promises of a future, but not a future.
5. Enquire about him and his family from other people
Many married men weave stories of how their wives ruined their lives to convince a woman to have an affair with them. Some men resort to lying straight-faced, while others play the game diplomatically. Do not believe him if he says he does not have sex with his wife and only loves you. And, just to convince yourself, do enquire about him from other common friends. Remember do this with the utmost secrecy and from people you trust totally. Other colleagues, friends or neighbours or anyone who’d know the family could be the source. You may be startled when people tell you that he and his wife make such a cute couple!
‘So much in love that they both couldn’t keep their hands off each other at the New Year’s Party!’
6. Do not let him take advantage of you
Apart from sex, a man may take advantage of you financially as well. He uses your body to satisfy his sexual urges and then tells you a story of how his kids are not his and he needs money to send to his poor mother because his wife has thrown her out of the house. You straightaway hand him a cheque! And then comes the jewellery and slowly your bank accounts are in a sorry state. Before you think this never happens read this story that came to us where a woman asked if her married lover was with her just for money and sex.
Do not be that woman who loses all her money in love and that too to a married man! Be smart, look for clues. Think of his sorry stories are they well patterned? Think of the timing, does it seem structured. He may know your vulnerable points and may use them to get you to give him what he wants. We had a story from a single woman who had lost her parents recently and that is when the married man in her life really started taking advantage of her fear of being completely alone.
If he does tell you his stories, listen to them, sympathize with him know that in the end his finances and family are his problems, not yours.
7. Keep your options open by meeting other people
You love this married man. You feel he is the ‘one’. You are in love. Agreed. But he is already taken.
No matter how many promises he makes, he has a life beyond you and a full one with work, a spouse perhaps children and friends. You must have a full life too! Keep meeting new people, do not cut off your friends, and do not shy away from dating. Love him, cherish the time you spend with him, but unless you are okay with being a mistress, it would not be wise to just have him as the ‘only’ person in your life. For your sanity and well being.
Also, remember he can go back to his family any time, if you have other people, friends, a boyfriend, you too have someone to hang out with during weekends and evenings rather than waiting for him to be free and available. Also if he decides to end for any number of reasons, many could be:
- His wife found out and gave him an ultimatum
- He got bored with the relationship
- He just cannot take the time for this extra relationship as his work has stepped up
- He is tired of the lying and sneaking around
- You have started asking too many questions and he has decided to end it to avoid that.
If this happens you will have your circle of friends and people to help you out of this crisis. If you are a friend of someone who is in a relationship with a married man do read this. Remember, if a married man and you are ‘made for each other’ and he is truly the ‘one’ for you, he has to be legally single and available to make it worth your life. You are your own favourite always remember that!