So perhaps divorce has been on your mind and now you are thinking about how to tell your husband you want a divorce. Thinking about a divorce is one thing, but telling your spouse up front that you want a divorce is another matter altogether.
Whatever your reasons for divorce may be, if you have given it enough thought and gone through the divorce checklist and then decided to tell your husband you want a divorce, it is not going to be an easy task.
Letting go of a person after spending a substantial amount of time with them can be difficult and scary. The conflict and hard-hitting conversation isn’t something you would want to look forward to. The worse is when you have to tell your husband you want a divorce when he doesn’t. You could be even thinking, “How will I tell my husband I want a divorce without hurting him?”
We agree the whole scenario does not look easy but these tips will make it easier for you to tell your husband you want a divorce, even when he doesn’t.
Related Reading: 10 Things To Do When You Are Thinking About Divorce
Prepping Up For Divorce Conversation
The first thing to do when you have decided to ask your husband for a divorce is to prepare yourself. If he is as unhappy and dissatisfied with the marriage as you are, chances are he will not take it too abruptly.
But if your husband is oblivious to the fact that you have been thinking about a divorce and never saw the warning signs, his reactions can range from surprise, anger, resentment, violence, pain and anguish.
You need to be prepared for all of these and for the discussions that will follow. He may accuse you of spoiling his life and not loving the children, but you need to stand your ground if you are sure of what you are asking for.
You may strongly feel like defending yourself, retaliating and giving back, but restrain yourself from making any statement that makes this messy affair even messier.
He may have not been a good husband or a father, but he is for sure hurt and pained now. The best thing to do in such a difficult situation is to control your impulse to retort. Instead listen, interrupting as little as you can.
Just repeat what you may have already said and make him understand that you have carefully thought about it and you are not going to change your mind.
Now, telling your husband you want a divorce also requires careful consideration of when and where. Choose a place and time where it is possible to have a long conversation.
And how. The next section deals with exactly that.
Related reading: Here’s how you can make the process of filing for divorce easier
When to tell your spouse you want a divorce?
This is vital. Divorce could have been on your mind for a long time but you never had the courage or the mindset to move out.
You need to see how you are placed financially and what kind of deal you will get if the property and assets are split up. You need to know if you can ask for maintenance and alimony. Also if there are kids involved the custody and visitation aspects have to be thought about.
When you are ready with all these aspects then only you should have a conversation about divorce with your husband. You can start sending him fillers that you wouldn’t want to continue in the marriage. Talk to him when he is in a calm frame of mind and be ready that he could react adversely. You can tell your husband you want a separation first.
How To Tell Your Husband You Want A Divorce?
If you have carefully weighed all the options and have decided that divorce is the best way to move forward, here are 8 most valuable tips to tell your husband you want a divorce.
1. Don’t escape the matter
The divorce of a married couple affects the lives of several people. Don’t escape the matter by throwing divorce papers on your husband’s desk or by simply packing your bags and leaving, especially when you have children.
Getting out of a marriage this way is quick, but it is not mature. Make a plan to tell your husband you want a separation, and plan it in a way that it doesn’t hurt him a lot. You can actually ask for a divorce peacefully.
Related reading: How to explain divorce to your children?
2. Identify the reasons for your divorce
More often than not, your anger, resentment or unhappiness towards your husband clouds your thinking process to an extent that you are unable to see the reasons for divorce with clarity. Understand that getting a divorce is a huge step and cannot be decided in an overwhelming mental state.
You see the red flags everywhere and you are certain you want a divorce, but pause to identify the reasons as well. If your purpose is ambiguous, presenting the idea to your husband is going to be a hard task. Ask yourself about the purpose and your intentions. List it down if needed and then take it forward.
3. Look for the right time and right place
Declaring decisions as mammoth as wanting a divorce should not be made in the middle of a heated argument. Take your husband to a quiet place like the bedroom, and switch off your mobile phones. Ask the other people residing in your house to not disturb for a while.
Make a sensible, calm approach. A peaceful setting will ensure a better discussion about the matter and give you plenty of time to tell your husband you want a divorce without hurting him badly.
4. Practice your reasons beforehand
One of the main reasons you need clarity in your reasons is to be able to present it reasonably. Before you discuss a divorce, practice what you want to say in front of a mirror. Breaking the news of divorce could lead to varied responses like anger, shock, weeping, etc. Figure out how your husband might react to the statement and prepare yourself accordingly.
Make neutral statements using “I”. “I need to talk to you”, “I feel we are not happy”, “I think we will be happier apart”. Practicing beforehand would potentially avoid angry outbursts and foul language.
You can even consult a divorce counsellor to help you practice what you are going to say. This will help you ask for the divorce peacefully.
Related Reading: Can Children Foresee Parents’ Divorce?
5. Be patient and direct
Asking your husband for a divorce is not going to be a happy discussion. How you proceed towards the conversation will decide how it will unfurl. Be compassionate and let out gently. If you begin playing the blame game, your husband is not going to take the news calmly. You need to be respectful and patient.
Nonetheless, be direct in your speech. Do not beat around the bush. Also don’t give your husband false hopes. If your husband is the manipulative kind, learn to be firm. You have invested a lot of time thinking about the divorce, stick to it.
6. Prepare yourself for an angry outburst
Chances are that your husband has no idea about your decision. Rarely will it happen that your husband will take the matter calmly and not retaliate with an outburst. He might shout at you, cry, and blame you for ruining his life.
Preparing yourself for all of these reactions will help you handle the matter more coolly, with maturity.
You could avoid the situation getting ugly with preparation.
7. Consider a third party for safety
If the purpose for the divorce is an abusive marriage, have a trustworthy third party like your father, brother or friend in the room for safety.
A history of domestic violence is a proof you cannot peacefully ask your husband for a separation. Always request someone you trust to be with you when you tell your husband you want a divorce.
8. Take help from a marriage counsellor
Emotions like anger and resentment might hinder how to tell your husband you want a divorce. A marriage counsellor could help you deal with these toxic emotions in a better manner. The divorce can be approached more peacefully with the help of a counsellor.
A divorce coach can also assist in taking the divorce process forward, from getting an attorney to declaring the news to your kids.
Telling your husband you want a divorce can be ugly, especially if you have once loved him very deeply. It takes great courage to make this decision, but you will be much happier once it is all over.