Boyfriend doesn’t want to get married, what should I do?

My Questions and Answers | | Expert Author , Psychologist
Updated On: May 3, 2024
Boyfriend doesn't want to marry me
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I’m 28 and I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 6 years. I want to get married but my boyfriend doesn’t. He just avoids the topic when I try to bring it up. Even though our relationship is very serious and we are in love, my boyfriend never wants to get married. He says he doesn’t think it’s needed and that we are happy the way that we are. My relatives and even friends taunt me by saying ‘he will never marry you’. It is starting to bother me. If everything is going well and he really loves me then why doesn’t he want to marry me?

Answer

Marriage is a long term commitment that some feel ready for and some don’t. What seems like a natural next step to you, could seem completely unnecessary to your partner. However, if there is a fundamental disagreement about such a core value, it puts the relationship in jeopardy. A few things to be considered here are:

  1. You want marriage, while for your boyfriend marriage isn’t even on the cards at all. The possibility of reaching a middle ground is slim to none. What’s more, your boyfriend seems to be taking a dismissive or avoidant approach to this topic, which hinders healthy communication between the two of you.
  2. The societal pressure of getting married is greater on women than on men and this also becomes an added source of stress in your relationship.
  3. What does marriage mean to the both of you? To you, it could mean a signifier of love and commitment that is socially sanctioned, a form of security, etc. To your boyfriend it could signify loss of autonomy, a social constraint, etc. Understanding the meaning you attach to marriage can help you understand why the two of you have chosen your respective stances
  4. What are your needs here? Neither partner should feel forced to give up on their needs as this leads to resentment towards each other later on. If marriage for you is a need, and this is something your partner is not able to provide, you do not have to give up on that need just to stay with him
  5. In continuation of the previous point, what are your expectations from your boyfriend and vice versa. Are these expectations realistic? In other words, is your partner capable of meeting those expectations? When considering this, I urge you to look at the situation as realistically as possible and see your partner for who they are instead of who you want them to be
  6. When communicating about this, be open to his perspective as well. Try to understand his fears. This does not mean that you let go of your own perspective in order to adhere to his point of view. It is possible to hold space for two opposing perspectives
  7. Cater to and process your own feelings. Ensure that you are not ignoring or dismissing your own emotions in this situation, no matter how unpleasant those emotions may be to deal with. Reach out to your support system as when and when you need to. Speaking to a professional can also help you manage your emotions in a healthy manner, while making sense of the situation and deciding what to do next.

Related Reading : He Wants To Get Married But She Doesn’t

There are several reasons why people who are in love choose not to get married. A few of them could be:

  • They have not seen healthy or successful marriages around them and thus, have little or no faith in the institution of marriage
  • Trauma from past relationships, or past experiences which leaves them unable or unwilling to commit beyond a certain point
  • Some people see marriage as a constraint and fear losing their independence after marriage. After all, marriage is a responsibility and a huge undertaking. This independence is not just limited to their daily living but also their career choices, financial freedom and other long term life goals they may have for themselves.
  • Simply not thinking marriage is necessary to prove commitment.
  • Fear of disapproval from family members.
  • They’re not sure of a future together or have difficulty picturing such a future.

At the end of the day, know when you’re reaching a dead end with your relationship. If your partner is unable or unwilling to see why marriage is so important to you, or if there is no middle ground left for you to reach, there’s nothing you can do for your relationship. There is a high possibility you might need to walk away from this relationship.

Related Reading: My boyfriend is marrying me out of pity

This can be an emotionally and mentally draining experience so do ensure that you’re taking care of yourself and remember to stay kind to yourself.

FAQs

1. Can a man love you and not want to marry you?

Yes, it is possible. People can have several different reasons for not wanting to get married, including but not limited to: independence and autonomy, financial freedom, past relationship trauma, family problems and disapproval or simply not wanting marriage.

 2. How to cope if my boyfriend doesn’t want to get married?

It can be difficult to come to terms with the reality of the situation. Most importantly, validate your emotions and allow yourself to feel things thoroughly, instead of trying to control or suppress your emotions. Secondly, communicate openly and honestly with your partner and try to figure out where you can go from here. You don’t need to bear these burdens alone.
Thirdly, consult a professional who can guide you as to how to go about this situation. 
Continue to look after yourself and indulge in self-care, and the activities and company which recharges and nourishes you.

3. How can we explore the possibility of counseling if my boyfriend is opposed to marriage?
 Couples counseling can help with the following:

1. Communicating in a healthy and effective manner with each other and being able to understand the other’s point of view
2. Finding the possibility of a middle ground, working through any problems or disagreements that may arise while doing so. 
3. Understanding the future of the relationship and what that will mean for both parties. 
4. Deciding whether to split or to continue and if the couple decides to split, how to do so in a manner that provides closure to both.

4. What are the potential reasons behind a partner not wanting to get married?

There are several reasons why people who are in love choose not to get married. A few of them could be:
1. They have not seen healthy or successful marriages around them and thus, have little or no faith in the institution of marriage
2. Trauma from past relationships, or past experiences which leaves them unable or unwilling to commit beyond a certain point
3. Simply not thinking marriage is necessary to prove commitment. 
4. Fear of disapproval from family members. 
5. They’re not sure of a future together or have difficulty picturing such a future. 

My boyfriend is marrying me out of pity, he does not love me anymore

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