How to cope if your crush is already in a relationship

lady seeing couple

An inconvenient emotion

Can we agree that as beautiful as love is, it can be a real inconvenience, especially when it’s one-sided? I mean, why aren’t we designed in a way that we only get attracted to available, single human beings? Instead, we are stuck with a mostly illogical format of attraction. We fall in love with anyone regardless of their availability. And we aren’t even talking about the ones who are single and don’t love us back. (That’s a whole other discussion.) No, we are talking about the cases where you fall in love with someone who’s already in a relationship.

There’s a catch

That one friend who just lights up our days when we meet them and we want to keep meeting them. You’d ask them to do just that but there’s a catch. They already have a partner. What do you go through when you fall in love with a girl and she already has a boyfriend? It can be particularly annoying, this one.

Related reading: When I saw my live-in boyfriend having sex with someone else in our bed

Self-judgement galore

To begin with, there’s the judgment that we have towards ourselves. How could you fall I love with someone who’s already committed? In most cases happily. Isn’t it perverse, immoral, wanting someone who’s already in another relationship? I can’t break up an on-going thing. I won’t be the home wrecker. I can’t be the other woman or man, assuming the object of my desire loves me back. This entire rollercoaster of emotions and conflicting feeling steers us towards guilt and make us doubt ourselves.

Why God why?

We also end up cursing our fate. Almost as if life has a bias against us and we aren’t liked by this so-called fate, because we are put in the path of someone who’s not in a place to love us. When in pain we look to blame someone, and life, God, fate end up taking the blame here. We all know that we are not being logical when we blame our fate, of course, but humans tend to do illogical things when in love.

Might seem futile but

Yet, there are those who see the odd beauty in this kind of love. To fall in love is a privilege and it doesn’t mean that the other person will necessarily be able to love you back; those are the rules of the game. Nowhere will you find anyone saying that you can’t love someone this way. Though it might be futile in someone’s eyes, when you love someone, only you have a right to that emotion. As long as you’re not bothering or harming the other person in the process, your one-sided love will remain love.

Fade away

Over time that love can fade, too. Just the way people who love each other fall out of love, one-sided love can fade too. Knowing there’s no way you can be with the other person can work as motivation to move on from the feelings, and it is possible. As stated previously, loving someone who already has a partner can be painful, and unless you happen to be particularly masochistic, you’ll get tired of the pain and move on.

Related reading:  Why lust is important to understand love

You are entitled to nothing

If you’re in such a situation you must remember this though, that the other person doesn’t owe you anything. Loving doesn’t require reciprocation. You can confess the feelings if you’re friends with the person but this doesn’t mean that they will leave their boyfriend or girlfriend and come running into your arms. If all you want is to destroy their relationship and possess them as yours then what you’re feeling isn’t love. It is not a quest for possession. Therefore, you must not act like the other person owes you love just because you love them. You are not doing them a favour. If you do, you’ll most likely end whatever friendship you have with the person.

The heartbreak highway

You could get lucky, of course. The person might feel the same way and they might be able to pull away from the other relationship and get together with you. This process too will be painful and if you see this happening, your job will be to provide support to your love as they get out of a relationship. Either way, this path includes a lot of heartbreak, but that is a path of love, and the view must be beautiful, because people keep walking down it again and again, in spite of the heartbreaks.

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