Sex and Passion

Why lust is important to understand love

Experiencing lust is the key to discovering the true meaning of love
lovers in embrace

Lust has mostly been considered a dirty, low frequency word by most and yet it is the cardinal passage to cross on our journey to understanding love. It has often been described as a raw emotion without any discipline, but love, it is refined. Do these two emotions co-exist in a healthy relationship?

Love or lust?

Most of us, especially the ones who got married early, find it hard to distinguish between love and lust and we don’t even consider it as something important to delve into. After all, if you are happily married and getting your regular dose of sex, why bother to understand whether it truly is love that is binding you together or lust that is keeping the marriage intact? Mind you, both are essential.

‘lust or love?’ Image Source

Lust is the fire, love is the fuel and without one the other doesn’t last for too long. Lust is raw, love is refined.

We mistake the heights of passion as love and yet when those plummet after the initial euphoria of a new relationship/marriage wanes, what remains is what is real. Often, by the time the kids arrive and we are snugly attached to the marriage, it’s safe, sane and convenient to call it love.

Related reading: 10 ways to know lust from love

It wasn’t love

But here is the paradox; going through those throes of passion is essential to nurture the love inside us as well but there is a need to discern one from the other in order to truly understand the meaning of true love.

It took me 16 years to realise that what I felt in my marriage wasn’t love.

It was an illusion of love. And the funny thing about illusion is that it looks and feels exactly like truth…the ‘maya’. And yet my soul knew from the beginning that there was something missing in my marriage, although it was hard for me to decipher what.

Two lovely kids, secure life, a caring husband – it all seemed perfect and I called it love.

Related reading: “We’re in lust, not love,” she said

There’s a difference between lust and love

Isn’t that all I ever wished for? But it was all in the shadow – all darkness, the light was still far away. Although it was all churning in my unconscious, my consciousness had still to acknowledge it…my awareness had yet not kicked in.

So after 16 years of being lost and apparently happy in a marriage which seemed perfect to the outside world, I came to understand the missing link.

I could separate the love from lust like chaff from wheat. The threshing was a revelation.

As I became a fiction writer, confronted myself through my writings, interacted with other men, formed deep friendships with them, the truth dawned.

love and lust
‘the line is blurred’ Image Source

I knew I didn’t love my (now estranged) husband deeply enough. If I did, I would want to be with him – not for the sake of the kids but for him and us.

Marriage is not love

I also realised the dichotomy of marriage and love. They were two different dimensions, which could overlap and merge at times, but they were distinct from one another. The former being an arrangement, the latter being a vibration – our highest frequency as humans.

Trying to fit this powerful vibration into a living arrangement is like capturing the early morning, fresh, invigorating mountain breeze in a jar – such a waste to even try.

You need to feel the fire between bodies; you need to feel attracted to each other – no matter what your age or the age of your relationship, and that is the catalyst for experiencing love. Yet you should be able to understand one from the other, even if they are finally meshed.

Lust is the physical desire – to be around someone, to touch, to feel their presence. Love is the soul; the body is the temple and lust is the expression of that divine temple.

‘lust is unadulterated and divine’ Image Source

I’m older and wiser

Now, nearing 50 and in love, I understand love on a different level compared to what I did in my 20s. Surrendering to lust has taught me so much about the power of empowering and unconditional love.

Lust is pure, unadulterated desire of the body minus the mishmash and burden of emotions. It’s the sacred fire needed to strip one of all illusions which mask love. You have to be unafraid of experiencing lust to unravel the true gem of love from the buried depths of your being.


Why am I tempted by this younger man who is the opposite of my husband

How to differentiate whether he loves you or just lusts for you

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Published in Sex and Passion

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  1. I loved the piece. To pronounce ourselves as lovers, there has be a physical connect and intimacy. It may not be actual love making …. still it is the physical intimacy that differentiates a lover from a good friend. I loved your analogy of lust as the key to unlock the body and soul. Look forward to read more of your writings

  2. I believe love and lust go together, almost making the sentence to sound something like: One lusts for love and loves the lust in love. Separating it, the way you have done, will take a lot out of both love as well as lust. Lust then is left alone to believe that it isn’t as high and mighty as love… and love moans for the wild intimacy minus which it remains blinded with a rage that it cannot understand.
    However, I loved the way you’ve written the post.

  3. I loved the way you made love to “lust” through your piece. Without lust, love is a little lack-luster or even of a different kind – like you love a child. If a relationship is sexual the lust is like salt…without which you don’t experience the essence of the love you are feeling, irrespective of whether it is reciprocated or not.

  4. so beautifully put and honest to the core,all of us are living life but there is a fine line between luv and lust,you have chaffed the wheat,reading the piece has brought us to introspect ourselves.👍

  5. very beautifully written… honestly … after reading this we find the need to introspect ourselves – Lust is the fire, love is the fuel and without one the other doesn’t last for too long….. So True !!!
    Lust is the physical desire – to be around someone, to touch, to feel their presence. Love is the soul; the body is the temple and lust is the expression of that divine temple….. awesome words !!

  6. Arvind- To know the distinction between the two is essential to knowing oneself more profoundly and having said that- they are always so meshed up that it helps to know one from the other- one feeds the other and separating the two was an intimate journey for me to help understand myself better and delve deeply into the morass of love and lust- each to his own- a writer writes what he needs to 🙂 Thanks for liking it though.

  7. had experienced both raw lust and Lust with love.
    lust dies off shortly.. but lust with love.. never & re ignites as per..Lust is the fire, love is the fuel..
    or I can also read it as love is the fire, Lust is the fuel..keeping love glowing all times..
    as expressed by the writer… it takes a while to understand.. and then you enjoy both..
    even if not put together some times..still like two sides of a same coin.

  8. Thanks inliked it Wow… really i came to know the difference of showing only lust nd showing love with lust nd i thought that my partner will fall in lust completely nd he will stop loving me but.. Seriously i was wrng

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