(As told to Joie Bose)
This is how marriage is in real life
“Misha, where is my shirt?”
“How should I know?”
“Dilip, will you sleep next to me tonight? I’m feeling scared.”
“Misha, did you pay the electric bill?”
“Dilip, we are invited to the Singhi wedding on Sunday.”
“I don’t want to go. If you want you can go. I have no issues.”
Marriage is a farce. My marriage is a joke. Somewhere amidst the many “Nos” that we have told each other, we lost track. We lost the love. We lost the care. Perhaps that is why I refrain from going for any weddings now.
Weddings are a show these days, we all know it. How many people were invited? That shows your contacts. How many people came? That shows your influence. How much was spent? That shows your worth. My father in an attempt to show off, and Misha’s father, to show off his worth had put me through a lot of pressure till I succumbed and consented to getting married to Misha. The fact that she had not protested to the pressure but in fact questioned my love for her, got me a little unnerved. I wanted to prove to her as well that I loved her and got married. Marriage is not a proof of love.
Related reading: They love each other but are not sure of marriage
It was different when we were dating
Marrying her wasn’t the correct decision and in fact for a guy like me, marriage itself wasn’t the correct decision. Right now I’m in one where there is no love. When we were dating I used to stand outside her house by the corner, smoking cigarette after cigarette just waiting to get a glimpse of her. I used to then take her to her parlour, tuition and even her friend’s houses and wait. I felt grateful that she was allowing me to ferry her. A sight of her, her smile and her cutely saying hello to me, would melt me. I had forsaken my friends for her, my love.
Let alone love, the coveted emotion, there is no physical relationship between us now. The touch of the hands that drove me to ecstasy feels cold. The mouth I craved to kiss was the same that had uttered the mean words and I didn’t feel like kissing it again. No, I have not slept with my wife in ages. Before marriage that was what I longed to do and we got intimate at every chance. But now, somehow things have gone amiss. The family of Mr and Mrs Sinha (us) is not a family. It’s two people staying under the same roof. And I often wonder, what is that worth?
Related reading: I forced him to marry me and now I am in a loveless marriage
Maybe it’s my fault, maybe it’s hers
You could blame me for turning cold. It is true that I am not romantic. But honestly, I don’t feel romantic. Everything seems forced with her now.
It is true that I am not romantic. But honestly, I don’t feel romantic. Everything seems forced with her now.
She used to force me into buying her things after marriage, despite knowing that it was tough for me to afford that. She wanted to show to the world that her husband was wealthy and a diamond or a designer bag would show that. The time I gave her was nothing in front of these material things.
Marriage changes people. Really. She even said once that instead of running after her like a possessive husband I could spend that time in doing something that brought in cash. She didn’t feel that when I used to stand outside her house. I had bunked so many tuitions for her. Perhaps I would have passed my CA exams by now and not be stuck in this mediocre job.
Maybe this is how love is
Some days ago, I sat with a bachelor friend for a drink. As our single drinks became a couple and more, he started talking of all the action he gets. I can’t say a pang of envy hit me first. He started showing me pictures of girls he had had flings and affairs with. I was smiling to hide my disappointment, but he mistook it. “Dilip, you’re smirking at me? Everyone is not so lucky to find completeness in one woman. You might have constancy, but I have variety… Variety is the spice of life…Don’t worry, one day I too will be married…” he said. At that moment my envy changed. I laughed at the irony. “At least you have hope bro, my life is finished!” “What finished? If I had a wife, I would finish myself for her…”
I couldn’t go back home that night. I went back to my office and slept there. I’m finished as a person sometimes I feel. Why don’t I get out of it? I don’t know. Or rather I don’t want to admit that I know. There is a part of me that wants to rekindle things between Misha and me. But there is so much miscommunication… I feel she values things and stamps and acknowledgement from the world more than my love. Or rather perhaps love is all for her. That’s not my definition.
I think love is that feeling that attracts two people like magnets and makes one another unreasonably happy. And since that is not there, I don’t feel like touching her. I don’t know why she behaves so toxic. Perhaps this is how all women are after all. And if so be it, how can I ever feel attracted to someone like Misha, no matter how sexy and hot she might be?