“I no longer fancy her; it’s difficult to do.”
I heard two guys in front of me in a queue talking, the last line coming out loud in frustration. My ears perked up.
“Imagine she’s (name of a Bollywood actress). Close your eyes and go on.” The friend suggested helpfully.
Last month, one of my female clients asked me point blank if it’s okay to imagine someone else while having sex with her husband. Was she not being unfaithful? It got me thinking. She was feeling guilty about thinking about someone else. How common was sexual fantasy among people with regular sex partners? How many of them even acknowledged it? How many lived in the guilt of emotional infidelity?
What is a sexual fantasy?
Whether it is a mental image or a series of thoughts about your kinky side that arouses your sexual fantasies, it is more common than you think. Sexual fantasy is a lustful daydream which you drive as you want. It’s erotic wish fulfilment. According to the Journal of Sex Research, 98% men and 80% women fantasize about having sex with someone else, other than the one they are involved with. And it’s one of the top ten fantasies for both men and women.
And what about fantasizing about someone else while having sex with your partner? As per the Encyclopedia of Human Relationships, it’s one of the forms of ‘extradyadic sex’. Thinking about someone else while in bed or fantasizing about someone else while in a relationship is common.
How common is fantasizing in bed?
A survey in the UK found 42% men and 46% of women think of someone else during sex. Many fantasize about a close friend or co-worker. 15% of women said they did this regularly. The study also found that most people fantasize about what sex will be like with someone else before actually having sex. 60% of men and women have thoughts of former lovers. Only one third thought this was a form of infidelity. I imagine that while the figures may not change much for India, the guilt levels will be perceptibly higher. I am sure Indians also think about someone else while making love but the way they are socially conditioned; they do feel guilty about doing that.
Related Reading: My Wife Is a Sex Addict and it Has Ruined Our Relationship
Is it okay to have sexual fantasies while in a relationship?
Whether out of pleasure or boredom, the question if it’s okay or not is not one that I can answer from my textbook. I’m sure no one likes the idea of his/her partner thinking about someone else in the middle of the most intimate part of a relationship.
During the initial phase, it is natural to be very attracted to your partner and not think of anyone else. But after a certain period, when sex becomes routine, one might find oneself thinking of someone else. During the act, many people are married and thinking of someone else. And by any chance, if there are the signs that your partner is fantasizing about someone else, then you can imagine how to hurt your partner would feel. This has actually happened. While climaxing people have moaned out the name of the person they were fantasizing about.
Let’s consider guilt.
Fantasizing about someone else is okay. If once in a blue moon you find yourself thinking of some handsome guy or a beautiful girl, that’s no reason to drive a stake into your heart. But unless you’re role-playing, some signs should ring your alarm bells…
If you are fantasizing about someone else more often than not
If you are fantasizing about someone specific, who’s not a stranger
If you fantasize about having guilt sex with someone
If you fantasize about someone even while not having sex
Or if you fantasize about doing stuff other than sex with someone
Not only these are signs of a disconnect between you and your partner and that you need to spice things up, but also an indication of an attachment with the person you fantasize about. In that case, fantasizing about someone else is not okay. Especially if the answer is yes to any of the last three, that means that you will have to sit down with yourself or someone else to dissect the reasons behind this.
Related Reading: 15 Kinky Things, Ideas And Sexual Fantasies Of Men
One of the common reasons is that your relationship is going through a stale or awkward phase. Adding spark to your sexual life might liven things up a bit. You can sit and discuss with your partner if there’s anything you’d like to change.
Whatever you do, don’t ignore it if you find yourself fantasizing about someone else in bed pretty often. And do not think it’s okay. Fantasizing about someone else is not always okay, especially if you are married and you are feeling guilty all the time. Because it’s a sign that something significant is missing from your sexual life, it works like a defence mechanism, an escape from the reality of your relationship, but not a healthy one. Your intimacy then becomes a bitter-pill experience that needs to be sugar-coated with fantasy. You start feeling guilty about thinking about someone else, and this complicates the situation more.