Breakups are hard. The first talk after breakups is harder. It could be because you are disappointed as you believed and hoped the relationship would work out. Or because you separated on bitter terms. Or maybe you still have feelings for each other. Talking to an ex after months of practicing the no-contact rule can be unsettling simply because it’s pretty awkward.
A recent survey was conducted with 3,512 people to find out if couples ever reconcile, and if they did, how long they stayed together, and whether their motivations/feelings changed over time. It was found that 15% of people actually won their ex back, while 14% got back together just to break up again, and 70% never reconnected at all.
The First Talk After Breakup – 8 Critical Things To Remember
Relationships after a breakup often get complicated. There are unresolved feelings, conflicts, and the closure talk is always painful. It’s even more painful when you don’t know how to move on without closure. A Reddit user shares whether or not reconnecting with an ex after 6 months or longer is worth it. They said, “I spent more than six months in North Carolina thinking every bad thing I ever thought about myself was true. Then we had a phone call for closure. I guess it killed the doubts I had about myself, the denial, and the breakup itself. So, it was worth it in that regard.”
When my ex wanted to talk after breakup, I took my time and collected my thoughts before breaking down in front of him. Similarly, if you aren’t ready, then don’t force the conversation to happen. Now that you are asking, “My ex is talking to me again, now what do I do?”, below are some things to remember during the first talk after breakup.
1. Why do you want this conversation?
Before you take your phone and dial their number, ask yourself why you are eager to have this conversation with them. What’s the intention behind talking to your ex after a long time? Is it because you didn’t have a closure conversation after breakup and you think this is the right time to have closure?
Do you want to reconnect with them in order to try and be friends? Or do you want to talk to them because you miss them and want them back? The reason could be anything but never reach out to an ex just because you want to have sex with them. That’s just rude and insensitive.
Related Reading: I Don’t Feel Loved: Reasons And What To Do About It
2. Text them before you call them
This is one of the important things to remember before the first talk after a breakup. Don’t directly call them. That is just going to be awkward. Your ex will be shocked when they see your name on their screen. Neither of you will know what to talk about or how to respond to each other’s questions. You don’t know how to handle the situation or what to do when an ex contacts you.
Before you call them, send a text. Start formal, simple, and friendly, and don’t text them constantly and annoy them. The first 24 hours after a breakup are crucial. You will feel lonely and you’ll want to go meet them. Don’t do that. Allow a few weeks to pass, let the healing happen for both of you. Then send a text. Below are some questions to ask your ex after a long time:
- “Hi, Emma. How are you? Just reaching out to see if everything is well with you”
- “Hi, Kyle. I know this is out of nowhere but I was hoping we could have a quick chat?”
If they don’t reply, that’s your cue to let go and move on.
3. Ask if they want to hang out with you
Once the two of you have texted to and fro and maybe had a couple of calls together, ask them if they want to get coffee with you. Make it clear that it’s not going to be a date. Just two people meeting for coffee. Update them about your life and vice versa.
While hanging out and reconnecting with an ex after 6 months or so, take it slowly. Don’t blurt out that you want them back. A Reddit user had a ‘my ex is talking to me again now what?’ dilemma. A user replied to them, “I’d definitely recommend taking things slowly, you can’t just act like nothing has happened – there was a breakup for a reason. Make sure you’re both on the same page about what you want, and if you feel like you can’t talk about your feelings because you think you’ll ruin the dynamic – you’ll need to talk about this as well.”
4. The first talk after breakup — don’t play the blame game
If what you seek is a closure conversation after breakup, then avoid the blame game. Avoid making statements like “You are the reason we broke up” because your narrative will be different from your ex’s. Your perspectives regarding the breakup won’t match and you will end up quarreling. You are responsible for your happiness. So have the closure talk and move on if that’s the reason you are talking to an ex after months.
I read an eye-opening Reddit thread that made me stop blaming my ex. One user shared, “My ex blamed me for the entire breakup, making me feel broken, that I wasn’t worth being loved. Till this day he shit-talks me convincing himself that he is not the problem, but it was me that caused all the issues in the relationship, that I ruined a good thing…he always saw himself as the perfect partner, that he could do no wrong. I don’t know how I’m ever going to recover as it still haunts me…”
5. Don’t make them feel jealous or act out of jealousy
Seeing your ex after a long time is not going to be easy. Whether you want to be friends with them or wish to get back together, don’t try to make them feel jealous by telling them how many people you’ve dated or slept with after the breakup. It’s only going to cause more problems in the future if they are ready to mend or redefine your dynamic. Trying to make your ex feel jealous is quite silly.
When I wanted to make my ex jealous, I reached out to my friend Amber. She outright replied, “Why do you want to do that? Is it because you want to ‘win’ the breakup? Don’t be so petty and vindictive. Be a better person, grow up, and move on.” Some people act out of jealousy when they see their ex happy after the breakup. If that’s the reason you want to have the first talk after breakup, then it’s time for a little introspection. Below are some of the ways you can get over your ex and move on:
- Acknowledge the jealousy
- Learn to love yourself
- Cut contact with the ex, if possible
- Heal yourself by letting your jealousy teach you what you need: love, validation, attention, etc.
- Raise your self-esteem and self-worth
6. Accept your mistake/accept their apology
We all make mistakes. Sometimes we even hurt our partners despite our best efforts to be kind to them. If you are seeing your ex after a long time and you did something terrible to hurt them, then you need to find out sincere ways to apologize to them. My friend Amira, who’s an astrologer, says, “If you broke up with your partner but regret it, then apologize immediately as the first 24 hours after a breakup usually decide the fate of the relationship. The longer you wait to get back, the harder it will get to reunite.”
Or maybe a long time has gone by and your partner wants to have a closure conversation after breakup. If they apologize for the pain they’ve caused you, don’t belittle them or pass snide remarks about their character. Unless they abused you, be calm during this first talk after breakup, and try to accept their apology.
7. Be honest
How to talk to your ex after a long time? Be honest with them. When your ex wants to talk after breakup, tell them you feel ashamed for ill-treating them. Tell them you feel bitter and angry at how they manipulated you and drove you mad. Take accountability for your mistakes. If they don’t do the same, then don’t bother keeping them in your life, whether as a friend or a partner.
I told my friend, “My ex wants to talk to me now, what should I do?” She said, “Be honest about your feelings. If you want to get back together, then talk to them and sort out the issues. If you don’t want to reconcile, then state that you’re not interested and you’ve moved on. If you wish to be friends, talk to them to see if that’s a possibility.”
8. Accept their decision
If during the first talk after breakup, they tell you they don’t want you in their life, then accept their choice. You can’t force someone to talk to you, be friends with you, or love you. If they wanted you in their life, they would make that happen. They would accept your mistakes, and theirs.
But if both of you want to get back together, then first, resolve the issues which caused the breakup. Unresolved issues will always act as a barrier between the two of you. If you are looking for serious questions to ask your ex after a long time, then below are some examples:
- Do you regret breaking up with me?
- Do you think we could still get back together?
- Are you more at peace without me?
- How did you cope with the breakup?
- Have you fallen out of love with me?
- Do you think we’ve learned anything from this breakup
- Before meeting your ex, take a step back and scrutinize why you want to meet them
- The first talk after breakup is crucial. It’s important that you don’t show any sign of jealousy regarding their current relationship, that you apologize if required, and that you don’t indulge in blame game
- If they don’t respond to your message, let go and move on
If your ex wants to talk after breakup, don’t jump to conclusions and assume they want to get back together. Maybe they are just checking up on you, or they want a favor from you, or worse, they want to hook up with you. You need to make sure the first talk after the breakup goes as smoothly, firmly, and gracefully as possible.
They come back for a variety of reasons. The main reason is that they could be missing you. They might regret breaking up with you. They feel guilty for what they did, and simply wish to apologize. They want to be friends with you. Or they might just want to have sex with you. It’s natural to have questions to ask your ex after a long time of no contact, to gain clarity as to why they texted/called you.
First, think about how you feel about your ex. If the thought of speaking to them frustrates you, then it’s better to tell them straight away that you don’t want to have any kind of connection with them. But if you want to get back together as partners or friends, develop trust and intimacy again by spending quality time together.
Depends on how the relationship ended. If it ended on a bad note, then you might as well stay away from them. If you’re genuinely interested in getting in touch with them, then try reconnecting with them steadily.