Sharing your life with a spouse who is constantly picking on you over the most trivial things leads you to a relationship ripe for disaster. Yet, this equation is not uncommon in marriages. So many households witness this struggle daily – the husband wants peace but the quarrelsome wife has only war to offer.
The story begins the same way, in most cases – two people come together in a relationship, and it’s all smooth sailing during the dating and courtship days. Your partner may display some signs of being a control freak now and again, but you dismiss the red flags and move on.
As you embark on the journey of marriage, things begin to take a turn for the worse. The loving, affectionate partner you were in a relationship with is now replaced by a contentious woman you feel you don’t even know. Trivial fights and constant arguments become the norm and disharmony seeps in. As a natural defense, most men tend to close up and become distant when faced with constant criticism and nagging, which only triggers the fury of a quarrelsome wife even more. And a vicious circle is set into motion.
This can be an extremely unhappy place to be in, and naturally, anyone in this situation would be desperate for a solution. But, before we explore ways to deal with a quarrelsome wife, let’s decode the tell-tale signs that indicate that you’re married to one.
Who Is A Quarrelsome Wife?
All wives pick on their husbands to some extent, all husbands have their unique ways of annoying their wives. So, how then do you make a distinction between routine bickering and chronic nagging? How do you know you have a quarrelsome wife?
Simply put, if you have a wife who is never satisfied, is always complaining and arguing no matter how much effort you make. Anything that does not go with her whims and fancies makes her angry and she picks up fights for the smallest of reasons.
She doesn’t motivate you to ‘do better’, but is always lecturing you to ‘do better, do more’ and does not refrain from using harsh words and body language. She may nag you and undervalue you with comparisons, making you feel inferior and incompetent.
This confession of a quarrelsome wife may put things in perspective: The woman recounts an incident when she, along with her husband and kids, was headed for a family lunch. The husband took a different route to the restaurant than the one she had in mind. Just the thought that he had taken a route that in her mind was longer, and thus, an unnecessary waste of time, triggered her anger and she sat in the car fuming. She describes how suddenly the vibe in the car changed and everyone knew she was in one of her moods, but couldn’t tell what they had done to cause it. This is a great example of a quarrelsome wife.
If this situation sounds relatable and you find yourself tip-toeing around your spouse more often than not, it’s a clear indicator of a moody wife whose wrath can be triggered by the slightest departure from her idea of how things ought to be done.
Related Reading: Top 15 Signs Of A Selfish Husband
What Are The Signs Of A Quarrelsome Wife?
Having a quarrelsome wife can make your life miserable as you are attacked day after day. Not only does she make you feel miserable about yourself or insecure about yourself, but she also fills your heart with disappointments and sadness, and gradually you are ruined.
On the other hand, it may be just as easy to misconstrue signs of genuine discontent as unnecessary nagging. To make sure you don’t unjustly label your loving wife as a “contentious woman”, here are some other signs of a quarrelsome wife to look out for:
1. She keeps asking until you comply
If she wants you to do something, she won’t just request once or twice, instead she’ll relentlessly tell you to get to it until you comply. She will consistently ask you to do it, even if you’ve told her you’ll get to it after a certain time since you may be busy with something else. This is definitely a sign of a nagging wife.
Once you reiterate that you’ll be completing the task when you can, a quarrelsome woman might just pick a fight with you then and there. We know, we know, now you don’t feel like doing what she asked you at all and storm out, but trust us, that will only make it worse!
2. She wants to assert control
A request to do the dishes or take out the trash isn’t just about completing the task at hand, but also driven by her compelling need to control things. If you not heeding to her request leaves her unsettled, it’s a behavioral issue that triggers nagging.
In an attempt to gain control, she may purposely put you down with insulting comments, she may try to monitor your activities and ask for your whereabouts every second of the day. No, when she asks you to pass the remote even though it’s closer to her isn’t really asserting control. A contentious woman will play mind games with you to put you down and assert control.
3. It’s all your fault
All her sentences begin with “You were supposed to…” or, “You didn’t…/Why didn’t you…”, it’s the sign of a quarrelsome wife looking for ways to shift the blame on you and get your defenses up. Her go-to tactic is to play the blame game, even though the two of you may have been collectively working on the problem. Conflict resolution is nowhere to be found.
A quarrelsome woman will blame you for things that go wrong around her, instead of trying to find a solution. As soon as things go against her whims and fancies, she’s not concerned with how it can be made better (which is what one should do), all she’s concerned about is finding a way to blame you for it.
4. A quarrelsome wife won’t let you be your own person
You want to have a cheeseburger with extra fries or a cold beer on a hot, Sunday afternoon. Perhaps, you want to go out with your friends for drinks. But you know you won’t hear the end of it from your wife, so you just brush these small desires under the carpet for the sake of harmony at home.
A quarrelsome wife is like an overbearing job, you’ll have no time for yourself. When spending some personal time in your relationship initiates a fight, it’s a clear sign you’re dealing with a quarrelsome woman.
5. You feel disrespected
Whenever any of her demands or expectations are not met, your wife acts out and throws a hissy fit, irrespective of where you are or whom you’re with. This is a sign of a disrespectful wife who has internalized nagging so much that she cannot see the error of her ways.
It doesn’t matter if you’re with your friends, family, or even on a call at work. She’s barging in to complain about the garage door you never got around to fixing. If your partner meets all the signs we listed above, you need to figure out how to deal with a contentious wife before your relationship struggles as a result.
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How to Deal With A Quarrelsome Wife?
The constant quarrels and nagging can, without a shadow of a doubt, be detrimental to a relationship. Research says that nagging can decrease positive communication in a relationship by 12% and fuel negative interactions by 20%, which ultimately leads to a sense of being trapped in the relationship and a growing desire to break free – in other words, you’re at a greater risk of divorce due to a quarrelsome wife.
Besides, putting up with a quarrelsome wife (or husband, for that matter) can adversely impact your health due to constantly high anxiety and stress levels, and thus, reduce life expectancy by 10 years.
But shouldn’t the onus of course correction lie with your spouse since it is their behavior that’s triggering the problems in your marriage? Well, in an ideal world, yes. But sadly, every so often, a quarrelsome wife may either not be able to acknowledge the pitfalls of her behavior patterns or find herself unable to break free of them.
We once received a relationship query from a young woman whose husband strayed and fell in love with another girl all because she could not stop being the quintessential nagging wife. In such cases, a husband may have to take it upon himself to salvage a marriage.
So, what can you do to mend the bridges and stop your wife from being so critical of you at all times? Here are 10 effective ways to transform your relationship with a quarrelsome wife:
1. When dealing with a quarrelsome wife, be patient
We know it’s easier said than done, but it is one of the most effective ways of dealing with an angry wife. Muster up every ounce of patience in your being and let the storm of her fury pass while you stand stoic as a mountain. By not reciprocating her rage with yours, you are creating an atmosphere where she can settle down and evaluate her actions.
If you don’t lose your cool, she may eventually start feeling bad about her outbursts and tone it down. All it will take is a calm, collected reply in a normal voice that will make her realize that she’s raising her voice to the point that it’s unnecessary. To deal with a contentious woman, being patient is the best thing you can do.
2. But don’t be indifferent
There is a difference between patience and indifference. Indifference can be construed as a sign that you’re taking your partner for granted. And you don’t want to err on that side because it will only deepen the hurt that your moody wife may be feeling at that moment and aggravate her anger even more.
Don’t nonchalantly dismiss her anger, don’t look the other way when she’s speaking to you. Again, easier said than done, but if you do make it seem like you’re ignoring her, all hell will break loose and how to deal with a contentious wife will be the least of your troubles. First, you’ll have to replace all the broken furniture in your house.
3. Surprise her
Even if you feel as if your wife doesn’t love you anymore, extend an olive branch. It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture of romance. Even doing the little things that she expects you to without being asked or told can be surprisingly pleasant enough to keep her in good spirits for a while. Doing thoughtful things for your wife will show her that you still care, but there’s a fine line here between being taken for granted and appreciated that you have to be mindful of.
A brawling woman is defined as one who’s entitled, controlling and moody. If you do nice things for her, make sure she doesn’t take them for granted and starts developing unrealistic expectations in your relationship. Be honest, have a conversation with her, tell her why you did the sweet thing and tell her you’d like her to appreciate it.
4. Talk to each other
Talking to your quarrelsome wife when she is in one of her moods can seem like trying to get through to a wall, we get it. But you’ve got to try. It is better to wait until she has calmed down and have an open, honest conversation about the need to embrace differences for a happy, successful relationship.
When you’re able to better communicate your feelings to your partner, emotional as well as physical intimacy will start getting better. Soon, your contentious woman will go from “why do you always annoy me” to “let’s talk about what went wrong”. After all, communication is the key to making a marriage work. Who knew how to deal with a contentious wife would be as easy as talking to her?
5. Don’t lose interest
Nagging is undoubtedly one of the bad habits that ruin a relationship, but hang in there and try to focus on the positives that made you fall in love with this person and marry them. Expression of interest from a significant other can prove to be a natural antidote for resentment in relationships, which is often an underlying trigger for anger and quarrels.
Look at your partner and keep telling yourself why you love her. Just because she started fighting with you, because you took the longer route to the restaurant doesn’t mean the things you loved about her are gone as well. Whilst being patient and having a constructive conversation, not losing interest is key to dealing with a quarrelsome woman.
6. Don’t let it affect your self-esteem
Constantly being picked on and made to feel that nothing you do is good enough for your partner, can be a big dampener that can send your self-esteem spiraling down the drain. The key is to remember that a lot of this anger or resentment may not be about you at all. Your partner may be struggling with something they don’t know how to deal with.
To not let it get to you, understand that the hurtful things your partner says to you might just be blurted out in the spur of the moment. Have a conversation with her, ask her why she said those things. Chances are, once she has cooled down, she’ll realize she shouldn’t have said hurtful things to you. Even if she’s a quarrelsome woman.
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7. Take care of yourself
Even if the tendencies of your quarrelsome wife are being triggered by your relationship, you still must do everything you can to protect your personality. Incorporate meditation, yoga or exercise in your routine, or find a hobby that brings you joy to counter the negativity with something uplifting and positive. However, make sure that when you pursue these activities, they are not at the cost of time and attention to your spouse and marriage.
Better yet, try to make your wife a part of these activities. Everybody could benefit from some meditation and yoga, why not turn it into a couples activity? A quarrelsome wife is likely one who could use some self-care activities as well.
8. Let your needs be known to your quarrelsome wife
One of the ways to handle being married to a controlling woman is to let your needs be known in no uncertain terms. It could be anything from wanting some alone time after a long, hard day at work or your need for physical intimacy to feel connected to your spouse, talk to her, tell her what it’d take for you to be happy in the marriage.
9. Focus on her needs too
It’s not just your needs and happiness that matter. She’s an equal partner in the relationship and her happiness is of equal importance to building a harmonious relationship. So, talk to her about what she wants or expects from you and this relationship, and it might just lead you to the cause of the resentment fueling her fury.
10. Seek help
If all else fails, consider couples therapy and counseling before deciding to check out of the marriage. Along with couples therapy, you could also go for individual therapy if you feel your mental health is being negatively affected as a result of the constant fighting.
Staying with a quarrelsome wife can be an emotionally draining situation, but with perseverance and patience, you can make a difference. Don’t completely give up on your marriage just because your partner has now started fighting more than they used to. Understand the root cause, ask her why she may be feeling this way. Chances are, she might be confused about why she’s angry as well, which is something you both can figure out together…with a therapist or with each other.