How To Stop Being A Nice Guy In A Relationship

How to stop being a nice guy? To answer this question, we must be clear about what being a nice guy actually entails. Being a good person in a relationship as well as being a nice guy in general can occasionally cause issues. It can feel unfair watching other “not-so-nice guys” succeed in getting the job you were striving for or the girl you were pining for years, right?

You must have experienced the adage, “Nice guys finish last,” manifest in real life. Being kind has no negative consequences but you must know when to quit. If you are aware that you are hurting yourself or your feelings to placate others, stop right now. It is simply not worth it.

What Makes You A Nice Guy?

Several factors put the burden or a tag of being a nice guy on your shoulders. For instance, reluctantly agreeing to something when you want to say no or holding yourself back from expressing an opinion out of a desire to please others. You are considered a nice guy if you do these things.

When it comes to romantic relationships, the nice guy label is associated with a person who does things not always out of kindness, care, or love, but sometimes with ulterior motives such as rewards and recognition, albeit subconsciously. You may very well believe that being nice and saying yes all the time will get you a date or two but that is not always the case. In fact, it could be one of the reasons you are taken for granted or are overlooked in many situations, causing heartbreak.

If you say things others want to hear or tend to sugarcoat your words even though you don’t want to, you’re acting like “the nice guy”. Whether it’s 3 in the morning or 1 in the afternoon, you’re always there for your romantic interest, in the hopes that one day, you will be seen. But when you eventually confess your feelings, you’re rejected because you are too nice. There will come a time when you will begin to feel tired of being nice because it rarely ever gets you the results you hope for.

Related Reading: 12 Signs It’s Time To Stop Pursuing The Girl You Like And Back Off

How To Stop Being Too Nice In A Relationship?

If you can relate to this quintessential nice guy behavior, there is a good chance that you often find yourself saying or doing things that you don’t want to because you were always instructed to be polite. What makes you an unnecessarily nice guy is when you wind up saying “yes” when you meant to say “no,” when you end up complimenting someone because you feel pressured to, or when you go along because others are heading in the same direction.

Additionally, there are drawbacks to being overly polite. You might not be able to pursue your desires, which is frustrating and depressing. You must have experienced instances when you felt cut off from your objectives, your desires, and even yourself. Your confidence and sense of self-worth may have been impacted in some way by this. The key to stop being a nice guy who comes across as a pushover sometimes is to work toward breaking these patterns. 

How exactly do you do that? How do you stop being too nice? The answer lies in these 10 easy suggestions on how to stop being a nice guy: 

1. Being true to yourself in a relationship

Being yourself is the primary requirement for any connection. The relationship will end in heartbreak for both of you if you present a false front from the beginning and only start to be the authentic you after spending a lot of time together.

So, for a relationship to last, you must be genuine to your partner as well as to yourself even if it means that you have to stop being the good guy in relationships. Understandably, showing someone your wounds and weaknesses can be challenging and comes with the risk of them leaving you but the alternative is worse: getting wounded.

2. How to stop being a nice guy? By being assertive in a relationship

The entire connection will become surface-level if you consistently try to win over others by saying and doing things that you do not truly mean. When you keep your real self hidden from them, the connection won’t be as genuine as it should be. 

If you constantly attempt to be the person they want you to be, you will eventually lose your true self, and that, my friend, will harm you on many levels. If you don’t stop being a good person at the cost of your real self, you’ll not only lose the person you were trying so hard to win over but also yourself. 

Related Reading: 10 Things That Make A Good Relationship – As Per An Expert

3. How to stop being a nice guy in a relationship? Stop agreeing with everything 

Quit approving of things you don’t want to. Not all disagreements result in arguments, but if they do, that’s fine too. As a unique individual, you have your tastes, beliefs, styles, and opinions. If you consistently agree to things that do not resonate with you, you are stifling your originality.

Speak up and take a stand if you believe something is wrong. How will the other person ever understand how you feel and what you want if you don’t express your opinions? And not every argument leads to a negative conclusion. You may learn a lot of intriguing things about one another along the way that will help your relationship progress.

4. Learn to say no without feeling guilty

You have every right to say no to requests you do not feel comfortable about. You’re under no obligation to win over everyone. Say NO if, for whatever reason, you don’t want to assist them or fulfill their request. You can be as courteous as you like and simply say, “I don’t think I can help you with that,” “I am busy,” or “I think this won’t fit in my schedule.”

Try to break the habit of always swallowing your feelings to appear agreeable, especially if you feel your partner is manipulative and you notice in them a tendency to force you to do things you don’t want to. It will benefit you personally and keep things healthy in your relationship.

5. Communication is the key to stop being a nice guy

The phrase “communication is key” is one that we have all heard. Now is the time to practice it for setting some relationship boundaries and ground rules that can help you break free from the “nice guy” role you’ve been cast in. Use a nonviolent, respectful method of communication and expression if you feel that what you say might offend the other person. 

The healthiest approach to let your partner know about your discomforts and comforts is through communication. You may believe that saying anything hurtful will damage your relationship but you also need to realize that ignoring it could lead to its demise. Communicating your real thoughts and opinions may cause temporary disagreements but it will ultimately help you understand each other better. It is always preferable to talk about a subject than to avoid it.

Related Reading: How To Fix Lack Of Communication In A Relationship – 15 Expert Tips

6. How to stop being a nice guy? Set boundaries!

Setting limits is one of the most crucial things you can do in a relationship. You and your partner are two distinct people with separate identities and histories. In a relationship, you divulge a lot of private information, like your favorite ice cream flavor and your embarrassing experiences. When you disclose sensitive information to someone you trust, you also expect them to respect your personal space and vulnerabilities. 

Stand up for yourself if you believe they are being rude or doing something that’s beyond your comfort zone. Maintaining boundaries extends beyond sharing information about aspects of your everyday existence. You need to tell your partner if you feel they are overbearing. Keeping things to yourself will only make you resent them, and that can be far more damaging to a relationship than telling them where you draw the line between acceptable and unacceptable behavior.

7. Don’t expect something in return

When you do something for your partner out of love, you don’t expect anything in return; but when you do it out of virtue, you do anticipate reciprocation. You are not obliged to carry out their wishes. Clear this up with yourself first.

Don’t be ‘nice’ just because you want them to be ‘nice’ to you. Do something for your partner only when you truly want to. When you make gestures with no expectations and merely to make your partner happy, you will receive a far more favorable response from them.

Related Reading: What Are Unrealistic Expectations In Relationships

8. How to stop being a nice guy?  Stop being a doormat

For no other reason than to win their favor, don’t allow people to treat you unfairly or disregard you. Keep out of the way if someone wants to use you as a launching pad and then ignore you. Sometimes, being overly nice simply causes you to lose self-respect and self-identity. Your self-esteem will be destroyed as a result.

Break through it if you feel like you’re being taken advantage of. Inform the other person of your feelings. Don’t just sit there and project a happy disposition while you’re actually miserable.

Related Reading: How Do You Set Emotional Boundaries In Relationships?

9. Tired of being a nice guy? Build up your self-esteem

Don’t act a certain way just so that others will like you; instead, act solely in ways that you truly enjoy. However, if you’re letting others’ preconceived notions and opinions about you affect your image of the self, it points to low self-esteem. In that case, you need to get to the root of this low self-esteem and work on building it up. 

Positive affirmations like “You’re good the way you are”, “You don’t owe anyone anything”, and “You’re doing your best” can be immensely helpful in this. However, low self-esteem is often a complex psychological issue rooted in our formative experiences and requires the attention of a mental health expert. If you’re tired of being the nice guy and are looking for help to break your behavior patterns, skilled and licensed counselors on Bonobology’s panel are here for you. 

10. Understand when to stop – No more being nice!

Know when to stop being a nice guy. If you are conscious of the fact that being amicable is harmful to you, you should work toward breaking free from this tendency. It is advantageous for both you and your relationship. Identify the issue and work to resolve it. Breaking out of it does not need rushing anything. Take your time, consider the circumstances, and take one step at a time toward letting go of your habit of being too nice.

You have to consciously snap out of your “a good guy” identity because being too nice can be tiresome. This does not mean you stop being a good person.  

In the process of being a good guy don’t lose your genuine generosity. Don’t give out of expectation of receiving something in return; rather, give out of kindness. You’ll be much happier and feel more confident about yourself by being yourself when you understand when and how to stop being a nice guy in a relationship.

Related Reading: 9 Expert Tips To Let Go Of Someone You Love Deeply

Is Being Too Nice In A Relationship A Bad Thing?

Being too amiable in a relationship could sometimes boomerang. The other person can perceive you as being overly sincere and lose faith in you if you are acting overly cordial. When they are near you, they might always put their guard up. You risk being perceived as nothing more than a simple individual with no personal opinions. There may be occasions when others decide things without consulting you.

Key Pointers

Being assertive and true to yourself in a relationship
Learn to say No and understand and set your boundaries to stop being too nice.
Communicate, stop letting people treat you like a doormat.
Understand when to stop. Work on your self esteem and yourself.

 It is essential to create boundaries and properly express your emotions.  It will not only make you feel more confident but it will also prevent others from treating you as a doormat. When you share your thoughts with others and develop stronger bonds with them, your perspectives, ideas, viewpoints, and creativity will come out more easily.

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