Question:
Dear Counsellor,
My in-laws expect me to do housework and look after the children. My husband works in another city and comes back only for weekends. My mother-in-law gives me the silent treatment when he is away and tries to involve him in household chores when he comes for the weekend.
This is not my husband’s first marriage. He has two children from a previous marriage, who were raised by their grandparents. We have been married for a year. Whenever we spend time together she creates drama. She won’t give up the kids, won’t let me stay with my husband and won’t treat me with even basic respect and courtesy. I want to leave. The mother and son talk to each other every day on the phone at a fixed time. She indoctrinated him. What should I do?
Kavita Panyam suggests:
Dear Lady,
Your query is incomplete in many respects. Is this your first marriage? You mention you have been married for a year?
You say your husband has two kids who were raised by their grandmother. Obviously there must be some power struggles which is why she may not want to give them up. It may also be a concern as you are not their biological mother and so she may have trust issues with you.
Your mother-in-law has seen her son divorce before and you are not the first wife. Do you know why the other marriage broke up? If she has trouble sharing her son with his wife, this may be one reason for her silent treatment and other issues you have mentioned. Marriage requires constant nurturing. Why don’t you wait till you are really clear as to what you want to do?
Here is what you could do.
Please talk to your husband and move to where he is posted if it is not a field posting without family accommodation. When you live together as a family, there may be positive changes.
But before this move, here are a few questions for you to take note of.
1. Are you up for looking after the two kids by yourself?
2. Are you willing to work on the marriage without allowing the thoughts of your husband’s failed marriage influence you negatively?
3. If your mother-in-law lives alone, she might move in with you there. Are you equipped to handle this?
Please see a counsellor and work on your core issues of trust and insecurity. Leaving or living with him is a decision only you can take after you sort out your thoughts.
Hope this helps.
Kavita
Here are the issues that cause resentment in a marriage
How my mother-in-law and I bonded over coffee
In-laws and husband treat me like an outsider and are threatening divorce
Proper communication with your spouse about what’s happening is the need of the hour I feel.