Heartbreak can feel like you’ve been hit by a wrecking ball. It drags you into a vault full of negative emotions, it is the repercussion of loving someone deeply, which is unfair, but everything that happens in our life is for a reason. And then one starts to look for the best way to get over someone after a breakup, without causing much hurt and regret to oneself.
Heartbreak is an opportunity for self-development and making yourself a better and stronger person. You keep asking yourself how to forget someone you love deeply. While there may seem no easy answers to forgetting someone who still has a hold over your heart, it can be done.
How To Get Over Someone You Love Deeply
You recently ended a long relationship, or you were experiencing good love for a short period. Whichever may be the case, if you are still in love with the person you broke up with, you need to start figuring out how to get over someone you love deeply but is no longer a part of your life.
Even after the relationship has long bitten the dust, they continue to be your first thought in the morning and the last at night. A part of you is desperate to find a way to stop thinking about someone you love deeply. While you may not forget the person you love deeply, it is possible to move on from the gut-wrenching pain and longing. When that happens, you can cherish their memories without tormenting yourself.
The more committed you were in a relationship, the greater will be the pain of losing the person. Psychologist Hameeda Rashid says, “The pain of losing someone deeply is directly linked to how invested you were in that person. The more expectations you had from the relationship or the partner, the greater will be the pain of losing them.”
For instance, if in your mind you were convinced that you and your former partner will end up together, you may feel lost about where to begin the process of letting go. So then, how to get over someone you loved deeply?
You need a strategy to accept the fact you have lost someone whom you assumed to be the love of your life, then accept the fact you cannot go back to the same relationship, and finally, you have to start letting go of the pain, erasing their memories. How to move on should be your next question to the self.
Here are 9 steps that will help you find a way out of the how to forget someone puzzle:
1. Grieve but also accept they are your past
It will not be easy, because we are not cold-blooded. It’s not easy to forget a person you love so much. Breaking up with someone you love hurts. It will feel like a hundred knife stabs each day on your heart. But peace will only come in with acceptance.
- Acceptance: Accept that you have lost them, take your time for grieving, but throw away all your plans of begging or pleading with them to reconcile
- Grieve: Grieving is the first stage of a breakup and acceptance will take years sometime. Allow yourself to feel the full extent of your pain and grief, even if it feels all-consuming. If you bottle up these emotions now, you will never be able to get past them or begin to forget the person you love deeply
- Put yourself through the wringer: Healing after a breakup is a process broken into stages – shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, depression, acceptance and hope. You have to go through this wringer to be able to forget a girl you love deeply or get over a guy who still holds your heartstrings
- Let go: But the sooner you accept the fact that the past cannot be dragged into the present, the closer you’ll come to the first step of letting go
- Don’t reach the edge of depression: Never let your grief reach the edge of depression. Hameeda says, “If the grief is not resolved or cognitively thought upon, it can push you to the stage of depression, and that must be avoided at all costs”
It’s hard to get over someone you love but you will manage it eventually.
Related Reading: How My Heartbreak Changed Me As A Person
2. Ditch social media completely
Social media says a lot about someone. Many use it to showcase their happening life, many use it to merely project that their life is happening. Post-breakup, it is important to cut off your ex from social media. That is one way you will be able to move on from the person you love.
- Don’t stalk your ex: If you keep on stalking your ex and come across his or her pictures that indicate he or she is doing well and is happy after the breakup, you will only torture yourself with questions that may never be answered
- Don’t run after closure: You might be prompted to seek answers for them as well. So not seeing them daily or avoiding knowing what is happening in their life could help you move on in a better way. You will be able to get over the person you love so deeply
- Wait before being friends: The idea of being friends with your ex sounds like the perfect proposition to keep them in your life even if you’re no longer together. But right after the breakup, this idea is never good. The wounds are still fresh, there are residual emotions at play and you’d both be hurting in your own ways. This state of mind can make your connection with your ex confusing, complicated and even toxic
- Cut them off: It will only bring more chaos into your life. You may think seeing your ex does not affect you, but whenever you see or hear about their life, your emotions will pour in, memories will rush in. So save yourself from all of this and cut yourself off from them on social media channels. The best way to get over someone you loved is not to know anything about them, trust me. This is the simplest answer to how to forget someone you love. There will come a point where you will go days, weeks, and then months, without thinking about them
Related Reading: Relationship Expert Suggests 10 Ways To Call Off An Engagement
3. Don’t keep their things around you, you will be stuck in the past
When we are in a relationship, we exchange many things. We keep each other’s stuff: like a coffee mug, a gifted tee, some jackets, etc.
If you want to forget about someone you love, you need to remove every reminder of your relationship with them from your life. This means deleting pictures from your phone, packing and stashing away all the relationship souvenirs, getting rid of their stuff from your home. In short, to move on from the person you love, you have to do away with all the things that remind you of them.
- Moving on means letting go: After the breakup, if you are still surrounded by things associated with your past relationship, you will keep going around in circles. You will never come out of the relationship completely, and you will not recover from your breakup fast
- Get rid of relationship souvenirs: They gifted you a coffee mug long back and since then you are having your morning coffee in that cup. Stop drinking coffee in that mug, because every morning you’ll be reminded of them.
- Choose not to think of them: It is easy to counter saying everything around you, every place will have some memory of you both together and whenever you see those things or visit the places you will be reminded. But starting to deliberately avoid these things and places is important. So choose to not think about them when you visit the cafe where you both went for the first date, choose to shift your focus when you wear the dress he/she loved
4. Don’t try to contact them or look for their whereabouts
Lisa and Andrew were in a long-term relationship, and madly in love. Or at least, that’s what Lisa thought until she walked in on him cuddled up and asleep with his ex, both stripped to the skin. She quietly exited the apartment, went to crash at her friend’s for a while. That very day, she changed her phone number, blocked him on all social media platforms, and requested a sabbatical from work.
When Andrew left for work later that day, she went to the apartment, cleared out her things, kept her stuff in a storage locker, packed a suitcase and left on a month-long trip. “The fact that I had a stable, well-paying job made it easier for sure, but cutting him out like that was still the hardest thing I’ve had to do,” she says.
But she also knew that it had to be done because nothing he’d say could make this better. The distance and his complete absence gave her a lot of perspective, clarity and the will to move on.
If you’re struggling with how to get over someone you love, know that sticking to No Contact is a thumb rule you need to follow until your mind has made peace with the fact that you both broke up and you cannot be in touch, because digging up the past will not be of much use. This is the best way to get over someone you love deeply.
- Don’t ask friends about your ex: You might have mutual friends who could give you information about who your ex is hanging out with these days. Or someone may just casually mention seeing your ex with someone else somewhere. All of it will instantly dent any progress you’ve and send you back to square one
- Say no to gossip: If you want to stop thinking about someone you love deeply, just say no to all this gossip. Your ex can be peaceful and happy; so don’t be angry at them for living their life and finding happiness
- Use the power of silence: Don’t be in touch and don’t try to dig for their whereabouts. This is the best way to get over someone. Use the power of silence after a breakup to heal yourself, and stay true to your resolve of maintaining distance from your ex, even if they try desperately to find a way back into your life
Related Reading: What should I do if I love someone who does not love me?
5. Hang out more with your friends
When you are in a relationship, happy or parasitic, it doesn’t matter, most of the time is spent with your partner. You don’t intentionally do it, but your friends are side-lined a little or slip down your priority list.
Ziba remembers missing out on so many of the plans that her girl gang made when she was in a relationship. “These amazing women who I’m lucky to call friends never held it against me. When that relationship crashed and burned, they were by my side right through it all.
“From hugging me as I broke down to ensuring that I don’t drunk text or call him and pestering me to get out of the house and have fun, they were instrumental in helping me forget the person I loved deeply,” she says. Leaning on your friends for support is one of the best ways to forget about someone you love and begin the healing process.
- Reconnect with friends: The best way to get over someone is to reconnect with your friends who you feel were ignored because of your relationship. Apart from this, spend more time with your closest pals
- Listen to your friends: When your friends coax and cajole you to get out and do something fun, pay heed and follow their lead
- Wallow, if you need to: Don’t hold yourself back from wallowing in front of them. They won’t judge you for being vulnerable. At this time you would need your close friends to be your support system to constantly take your mind off the sad parts of life, so hang out with your friends. This is one of the best ways to move on after a breakup
6. Focus on I, work on reconnecting with yourself
People in relationships focus on ‘we’; unconsciously making all plans assuming you are together. It is even more pronounced when the relationship is steady for some time and you both have been planning the future. The places we want to explore together, things we need to try, our bucket list. The ‘We’.
- Focus on ‘I’: Amidst the ‘we’, you become selfless and stop thinking about yourself. But to move on from the person you love you have to move from “we” to “I” first
- Work on your relationship with the self: No matter how bad the breakup is or how much pain it is causing, start working on the relationship with yourself, make your bucket list, write down things you want to try, places you want to explore. It is not easy to get over someone you love deeply but reconnecting with yourself does help
- Do what you love: Focus on the things you love doing and haven’t done for some time. This could include solo travel
7. Find reasons to be grateful about the breakup
This sounds like a bizarre idea, but this is the universal law of gratitude, it works like magic. “Accept and understand why the relationship ended. Ask yourself honestly, would any good have come out of you and your partner staying together. Even if you’re in denial about the reality of your relationship, a tiny voice inside will give you an honest answer,” says Hameeda.
When you start looking for positives in a very negative situation, you turn your situation into a positive one. And it could be the best way to move on from the person you love.
- Focus on the positives of the breakup: Start listing out why you are grateful that the relationship ended. List things that were bad and unhealthy for your mind and soul in that relationship
- Analyze your ex’s role: Put your ex’s role as a partner under the scanner, and realistically list out all their flaws, quirks, annoying habits and unpleasant personality traits. When pining over a lost love, our nostalgia-riddled brains tend to eliminate the negatives and augment the positives. Consciously counter the narrative your mind is building up to stop thinking about someone you love deeply
- Celebrate your freedom: List things you can do because you are not chained in a relationship anymore. The list could be silly or crazy; for example, you are grateful that you can now go out and approach the guy/girl crushing on you for so long and so on
You will feel light and slightly at peace in your heart once you start finding more positives in this situation. And there are so many good reasons to breakup!
8. How to forget someone you love? Try forgiveness
Don’t hold back anger, release it. Cry, scream shout – whatever helps you give a vent to your emotions – barring any harm to anyone. Accept it was not your fault alone and you both had equally damaged the relationship, which was beyond repair.
- Forgive your ex: Forgiveness in relationships is important not just when you’re together but also when the partnership has run its course
- Forgive yourself: Try to forgive your ex for breaking your heart. More importantly, forgive yourself for trusting, loving the wrong person or making a fool of yourself by loving someone
- Inch toward closure: Until you forgive, you cannot completely move on or get over them. Forgiveness is one of the key steps to gain closure and move on in life
- Don’t hold grudges: It’s not easy to forget the person you love so much but holding on and bearing grudges won’t help either
Related Reading: When Someone Leaves You Let Them Go…Here’s Why!
9. Be open to new relationships
Don’t let heartbreak or a bad relationship shake your faith in the idea of having a relationship or the idea of falling in love with someone again. Once you’ve grieved and mourned losing someone you loved deeply, open your heart and mind to the prospect of finding love again.
- Don’t fixate on happily ever after: Understand that not every relationship is meant to stay in your life for eternity
- Not a bad relationship: Do not label your relationship as bad because you both had invested so much time and you have some good memories. There are no bad relationships. There are only misunderstood people and ones who refuse to admit their shortcomings, and there are stubborn people who make a relationship look bad, but relationships are never bad
- Use it as learning: You just have more lessons than memories, which is why you ended up breaking up the relationship you built
- Get back on the dating scene: Once you are ready, get to know new people and be ready for dating after a breakup.
Coming out of a long relationship will feel like walking on fire with memories that will only make your heartache. But all that ends leaves hope for a new beginning, so give another opportunity to yourself by moving on from someone who is in the past. Close the chapter and then move ahead. Maybe you’ll fall for someone, this time harder, and maybe this time they’ll be worth your efforts and love.
Let go of the past, so you can embrace the present and future with a fresh mind.
How long it takes to forget someone you love depends on a host of factors such as how long you’ve been together and the intensity of your feelings for them. Research suggests that it can take an average of 18 months to get over someone you love deeply.
To stop thinking about someone you love, invest in self-love and self-care. Surround yourself with people who love and care about you, indulge in activities that you find joy and peace in, and focus on becoming a better version of yourself.
Yes, you may not be able to completely forget the person you love deeply but it is possible to get over them and leave behind the intense emotions you felt for them.