In a world where infidelity, affairs, cheating, and sleeping around are becoming more and more commonplace, it’s only wise to prepare yourself for such an eventuality. Knowing the 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse is the first step in this direction, as it can help you break down communication barriers that come in the wake of infidelity.
You are probably thinking, but why do I need a list of important questions to ask a cheating spouse? Spouses sleeping around with people behind each other’s back – don’t these things happen in bad marriages and loveless unions? Don’t partners step outside the marriage and cheat only in sexless relationships? Why do I need confession questions to ask a guy or girl who has cheated?
It would be naïve to believe that you can cheat-proof your marriage when statistics indicate that 70% of Americans engage in some form of infidelity during their marital life. Preparing yourself for the worst-case scenario may seem somewhat cynical but it is your best bet to not be taken off guard, in case your marriage is dealt this near-fatal blow.
10 Questions To Ask Your Unfaithful Spouse
Everyone likes to believe that a breach of trust as serious as infidelity can never plague their marriage. Until it does, and causes the ground beneath your feet to shift like soft sand. In such a situation, it can be hard to make sense of the what, why, and how of it all. Communicating with your cheating spouse can seem impossible, but is essential to gain clarity on the situation.
The things your cheating spouse doesn’t want you to know are the things that will give you the most insight. Though you might be having a hard time acknowledging that this happened, the more information you have, the better you can judge the future of your dynamic. In such a situation, you may wonder what questions to ask your spouse after infidelity.
Allow us to help you. Whether you have doubts that you are dating a cheater or just want to prepare yourself for this eventuality, take note of these 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse. Here they are, the trick questions to ask a cheater to help you cope with your feelings and pave the way to healing.
Related Reading: 11 Things You Didn’t Know Amount To Cheating In A Relationship
1. How did you allow yourself to cheat?
This is one of the most important infidelity questions to ask your spouse to understand their frame of mind when they decided to step outside the marriage and cheat on you. What did they tell themselves? How did they decide that it was okay to cross the line of faithfulness?
Was it because they don’t attach much value to the concept of fidelity and monogamy? Or were there any marital issues at play, which they used as an excuse to justify the act of cheating to themselves? What did the extramarital relationship offer them that you didn’t?
Their response to this question will give you a sense of their values and sense of morality. It will also help you identify the cracks in your marital bond that may have lent impetus to their transgression. It can be painful to hear how they justify the act, but to make the best possible decision in this situation, you must listen carefully.
If you ask this question immediately after finding out about your partner’s infidelity, your emotions may naturally be running high. Instead of a more inquisitive tone, you may end up adopting a tone of disbelief, since your agony will not let you accept that this has happened.
Questions to ask after being cheated on should only be tried after you give yourself some time to cool off. The point here is not to put words in their mouth but to help you uncover as much information as possible, so you can make a better decision.
2. What to ask a cheating spouse – did you feel guilty?
Betrayal is traumatic. Betrayal can be devastating. One of the most important questions to ask an unfaithful partner is whether they felt guilty about betraying you. Sure, they knew they were betraying you, but did your spouse feel guilty about it? That is the question.
How did they feel after spending an afternoon in bed with their lover? What was their state of mind when they came home to you after a romantic dinner date with this other person? For which, they probably lied to you. Cheaters’ guilt is real. A lot of people feel horrible about sleeping around outside of their marriage or getting into an affair. The curious thing is that they continue to go down this rather dangerous path despite the guilt.
From the list of 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse, this one might leave you spiraling down a road of self-doubt and confusion. If the answer is something you hoped you would never have to hear in a million years, it can leave you feeling you never really knew who you were sleeping next to.
Asking your unfaithful spouse questions about their feelings of guilt will give you clarity on how much they value you and the marriage. If your partner feels no remorse for their actions whatsoever, it can be a worrying sign for the future of your marriage.
3. Have you entertained thoughts about cheating before?
If you’re thinking about trick questions to ask a cheater, this is one of them. Whether you’re looking for the right questions to ask to find out if your spouse is cheating, or to address an incident of cheating that has come to light, don’t leave this out. Has your spouse been tempted to cheat on you before? If yes, did they act on this temptation? If not, then why? Was it because they didn’t want to break your trust or for a lack of opportunities?
This is why it is one of the crucial 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse. It will help you ascertain whether your partner is the sort who’d actively look for opportunities to get some action on the side or if this transgression was a one-time thing. It’ll help you figure out if you’re dating a cheater. If it’s the former, you need to accept the possibility that there may have been other affairs or one-night stands in the past and that your partner is someone who seeks variety in their romantic life.
If it’s the latter, you need to pay attention to weaknesses in your marriage that may be at the root of their choice to stray. It’s also important to note that when you employ such hard-hitting questions to ask a cheating husband or wife, there’s always a possibility that they’ll lie to you.
Look out for the classic signs that someone is lying to you: they may divert their gaze, lingering silences will suggest something is amiss, and half-baked stories that keep changing are definitely a cause for concern. Try to encourage honesty, even though you may find it extremely difficult to trust anything that your partner is currently saying.
4. Did you fall in love?
If you are wondering what confession questions to ask a guy or girl who has cheated to know where you stand, this one tops the list. In case you have discovered that your partner has been having an affair, the possibility of them being emotionally invested in the other person cannot be ruled out. That’s why this is one of the most critical 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse.
Trust me, it is not going to be an easy one to ask or know about. If they do confess to being in love with this other person, you both need to decide what it means for the future of your marriage. Is it possible for someone to be in love with two people at the same time? And how do you feel about the possibility? Are you willing to accept that your spouse loves another person the same way they love you?
Once you ascertain that your partner’s physical affair has turned into an emotional one too, it often indicates a desire for their affair partner that’s not going away any time soon. The idea behind these questions to ask someone who cheated on you is to figure out the path you want to take in the future.
Forgiving an affair is never an easy undertaking. Getting information on what went down and most importantly, why it went down, will help you make a more informed decision. Their answer to this question and your reaction to their reply hold the key to the future of your marriage in the aftermath of an affair.
Related Reading: When My Wife Cheated On Me, I Decided To Show More Love
5. Did you think about me?
This is undoubtedly the most painful in the list of important questions to ask a cheating spouse. But it is one that is bound to weigh on your mind. Did your spouse think about you at all? Did they ever pause to reflect on how their act of cheating would impact you or how it would break your heart and risk the future of the marriage?
If they did, why weren’t these potentially disastrous consequences enough to stop them? If they were thinking about their affair partner while they were with you, was your spouse thinking about you too while with them? If your spouse was invested emotionally, chances are the affair partner was always ‘between’ you.
Fearing that the answers will be too much to bear, you might just want to avoid these questions to ask someone who cheated on you. Even so, this question will help you understand how passionate the affair was. While it can be heartbreaking to hear it, you must, for the sake of assessing whether your marriage can survive the affair.
6. How long were you together?
While it won’t be easy for you to hear the responses to any of these ’10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse’, this can be especially hard. Let’s say, your spouse says that the affair lasted three years or five, your life during this period will flash in front of your eyes. Suddenly, you’ll be able to identify all the times when your spouse made excuses to be away from you so that they could be with their lover.
The knowledge and realization of the fact that you were dating a cheater for all these years will break your heart. Perhaps there were times when, for a second, you felt your spouse was cheating, but you dismissed the thought by telling yourself, “They couldn’t do it to me”. Many such incidents, the tell-tale signs of cheating, the guilt signs may come to the fore and shake you hard.
All the special moments that you’ve shared during that time can start to feel like a big lie. This question can augment the feelings of hurt and anger that you’ve been experiencing. All the late nights at work your spouse claimed to have had, all the business trips and the weekends spent away, the realization may leave you incapable of being able to think straight.
But it’s important to ask questions about cheating in relationships so that you can gauge the depth of the bond your partner shares with this other person. If you’re thinking about what to ask a cheating spouse to understand the gravity or depth of their love and affection for their lover, this could help.
7. Did you ever talk about me?
Is your spouse’s lover aware of your existence? If yes, how did they portray you to them? Did they use the oldest trick in the book of claiming that they are stuck in an unhappy marriage with an unbearable spouse to win this other person’s affections? Did your spouse promise them that they would divorce you to be with them? Did your unfaithful spouse discuss a future together with their affair partner?
If their answers to these questions are affirmative, you need to think long and hard about whether it is worth dating a cheater or trying to salvage such a marriage. You probably thought you were like a regular couple, but apparently, you’d drifted apart to an extent that your spouse used your existence to get close to someone else.
You deserve a lot better than a lying, conniving life partner who wouldn’t hesitate to paint you as the villain to win over someone else. Who knew that by figuring out what questions you should ask a cheating spouse, you would also be figuring out the sinister things they are capable of? This may be hard but it’s one of the most relevant 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse.
8. Do you still have feelings for that person?
When caught, most cheaters swear that they would end the affair and make amends. But does your spouse actually mean that? Or are they just saying it to try and fix the broken marriage and save it from falling apart? Asking them about how they feel about this other person becomes one of the most important questions to ask your spouse after infidelity, as it’ll help you assess the sincerity of their promises.
There’s a reason as to why this is one of the most crucial 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse. If they still have feelings for their lover, chances are that they would gravitate toward them sooner or later. Your marriage may not be able to survive another incident of cheating. So, it’s best to find out now and make a decision that will work out well for all parties involved.
When your spouse has feelings for their affair partner, it means their relationship isn’t purely sexual. A deeper connection lies under the lust that might have originally brought them together. Through questions to ask your cheating husband or wife, you’ll be able to figure out whether you need to work on your marriage or on healing yourself and trying to move away from the toxicity your spouse holds.
Related Reading: 15 Signs Your Husband Is Cheating On You With A Co-Worker
9. What is it that they have, and I lack?
This is definitely one of the important questions to ask a cheating spouse. This question is not meant to hurt your sense of self-worth or make you feel guilty. Your spouse chose to love you and marry you for who you are. Therefore, you should have been enough for them. Besides, you should never have to change yourself to be loved and cherished by someone.
Even so, this is among the necessary 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse for the sake of seeing the situation from their perspective. Perhaps you were too caught up in balancing your work and domestic responsibilities that you could not devote enough time to your spouse. This created some distance between the two of you, making room for a third person.
They found something in their affair partner that they did not find in you. And while there is a possibility that it was short-term, it is still something that differentiates you from your spouse’s affair partner. Remember that their choice of cheating is theirs alone. Regardless of the issues you both had, cheating should never have been an option. But if you’re both willing to give your marriage a shot at survival, understanding these problem areas and finding solutions to fix them is key.
10. Did you plan a future with them?
Be it short-term plans such as taking a vacation together or long-term ones like moving in with them, it is indicative of the extent of your spouse’s involvement with this other person. If they were planning to move out and live with this person, then your unfaithful spouse has been too deeply involved with their lover.
The affair can no longer be dismissed as a fleeting transgression. It has evolved into a full-blown relationship, with physical and emotional intimacy. In case it has come to that, it would be wise for you to decide to let go of your spouse. A divorce can be a daunting proposition but being stuck in a loveless marriage with someone else occupying your spouse’s heart and mind isn’t exactly a desirable situation to be in.
When you use these 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse, pay attention to how sincerely they respond. The answer to whether or not you should forgive them and give your marriage another try lies in there. If your spouse is dishonest or defensive in their replies, it’s a clear sign that they do not regret cheating on you and are likely to repeat it. In that case, dating a cheater and trying to make it work doesn’t make any sense.
There are a few questions to ask your spouse after infidelity. You can ask them about how and when the affair began, whether they are in love with this other person, and if they’re willing to end the affair for the sake of your marriage. You can also ask them if they ever felt guilty about cheating on you and if they are planning a future with their affair partner.
It can be hard to rebuild trust after cheating and make peace with your spouse’s infidelity. With time, proper communication, and consistent effort to work on your issues, you can make it happen. Couple’s therapy can also be extremely beneficial for those trying to give their marriage another chance in the aftermath of an affair.
No, not necessarily. If your partner’s act of cheating was a one-off, they may well be able to correct their course and not go down that path again. It all depends on how much they love you and value the principles of fidelity. If you are important to them and they want to be with you, then they will mend their ways.
While it’s not possible to forget the pain of being cheated on, you can try to forgive your partner and give your marriage a second chance. Time does blunt the pain enough that you can learn to live with it and love your spouse despite their infidelity.
Yes, cheater’s guilt is a real thing. It is possible for your partner to feel guilty and ashamed of themselves for having cheated on you. If your spouse has cheated on you and if they still love you, chances are that the guilt must have been eating them up all along.