In a world where infidelity, affair, cheating, sleeping around are becoming more and more commonplace, it’s only wise to prepare yourself for such an eventuality. Knowing the right 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse is the first step in this direction, as it can help you break down communication barriers that come in the wake of infidelity.
But why do I need a list of questions to ask spouse who’s been cheating, you ask? Don’t affairs and spouses sleeping around with other behind each other’s back happen in bad marriages and loveless unions?
It’d be naïve to believe that you can cheat-proof your marriage when statistics indicate that 70 percent of Americans engage in some form of infidelity during their marital life. Preparing yourself for the worst-case scenario may seem somewhat cynical but it is your best bet to not be taken unawares, in case your marriage is dealt this near-fatal blow.
10 Questions To Ask Your Unfaithful Spouse
Everyone likes to believe that a breach of trust as serious as infidelity can never infest their marriage. Until it does and causes the ground beneath your feet shift like soft sand. In such a situation, it can be hard to make sense of what, why, how of it all. Communicating with your cheating spouse can seem impossible but is essential to gain clarity on the situation.
Related Reading: 11 Things You Didn’t Know Amount To Cheating In A Relationship
So, whether you have doubts that your life partner is cheating on you or just want to prepare yourself for this eventuality, take note of these 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse. Not only will these questions to ask a cheater help you cope with your feelings, but also pave way to your healing- right now.
1. How did you allow yourself to cheat?
This is one of the most important infidelity questions to ask your spouse to understand their frame of mind when they decided to cheat on you? What did they tell themselves? How did they decide that it was okay to cross the line of faithfulness?
Was it because they don’t attach much value to the concept of fidelity and monogamy? Or were there any marital issues at play, which they used as an excuse to justify the act of cheating to themselves? What did the extramarital relationship offer them that you didn’t?
Their response to this question will give you a sense of their values and sense of morality. And also help you identify the cracks in your marital bond that may have lend impetus to their transgression. It can be painful to hear how they justify the act, but to make best possible decisions in this situation, you must listen in carefully.
2. Did you feel guilty?
Betrayal is traumatic, betrayal can be devastating.
One of the most important questions to ask an unfaithful partner is whether they felt guilty about betraying you. Sure, they did know they are betraying you, did your spouse feel guilty about it is the question?
How did they feel after spending an afternoon in bed with their lover? What was their state of mind when they came home to you after a romantic dinner date with this other person? For which, they probably lied to you about.
Cheater’s guilt is real. A lot of people feel horrible about sleeping around outside their marriage or getting into an affair. The curious thing is that they continue to go down this rather dangerous path despite the guilt.
Asking your unfaithful spouse questions about their feelings of guilt will give you clarity on how much they value you and the marriage.
If your partner feels no remorse for their actions whatsoever, it can be a worrying sign for the future of your marriage.
3. Have you entertained thoughts about cheating before?
Whether you’re looking for the right questions to ask to find out if your spouse is cheating or to address an incident of cheating that has come to light, don’t leave this out. Has your spouse been tempted to cheat on you before? If yes, did they act on this temptation? If not, then why? Was it because they didn’t want to break your trust or for a lack of opportunities?
This will help you ascertain whether your partner is the sort who’d actively look for opportunities to get some action on the side or if this transgression was a one-time thing. If it’s the former, you need to accept the possibility that there may have been other affairs or one-night stands in the past. And your partner is someone who seeks variety in their romantic life.
If it’s the latter, you need to pay attention to weaknesses in your marriage that may be at the root of their choice to stray.
Related Reading: When My Wife Cheated On Me, I Decided To Show More Love
4. Did you fall in love?
If you are wondering what questions to ask a cheating spouse to know where you stand, and this one tops the list.
In case, you have discovered that your partner has been having an affair, the possibility of them being emotionally invested in the other person cannot be ruled out. That’s why this is one of the critical 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse.
And trust me, it is not going to be an easy one- to ask or to know about.
If they do confess to being in love with this other person, you both need to decide what it means for the future of your marriage.
Is it possible for someone to be in love with two people at the same time? And how do you feel about the possibility? Are you willing to accept that your spouse loves another person the same way as they do you?
Their answer to this question and your reaction to their reply holds the key to the future of your marriage in the aftermath of an affair.
5. Did you think about me?
This is undoubtedly the most painful in the list of questions to ask a spouse who’s been cheating. But one that is bound to weigh on your mind. Did your spouse think about you at all? Did they ever pause to reflect on how their act of cheating would impact you? How it would break your heart and risk the future of the marriage?
If they did, why weren’t these potentially disastrous consequences enough to stop them? If they were thinking about their affair partner while they were with you, were they thinking about you too when they were with them? If your spouse was invested emotionally, chances are the affair partner was always ‘between’ you – the root of emotional affairs is the constant touch affair partners stay in.
This question will help you understand how passionate the affair was. While it can be heartbreaking to hear it, you must for the sake of assessing whether your marriage stands a chance of survival in comparison to the intensity of the affair.
Related Reading: 15 Shocking Things Cheaters Say When Confronted
6. How long were you together?
While it won’t be easy for you to hear the responses to any of these 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse, this can be especially hard. Let’s say, your spouse says that the affair lasted 3 years or 5, your life during this period will flashback in front of your eyes. Suddenly, you’ll be able to identify all the times when your spouse made excuses to be away from you so that they could be with their lover.
Perhaps there were times when for a second you felt your spouse was cheating, but you dismissed the thought because ‘they couldn’t do it to you’. Many of such incidents, the tell-tale signs of cheating, the guilt signs may come to the fore and shake you hard.
All the special moments that you’ve shared during that time can start to feel like a big lie. This question can augment the feelings of hurt and anger that you’ve been experiencing.
But it’s important to ask questions about cheating in relationships it so that you can gauge the depth of the bond your partner shares with this other person.
7. Did you ever talk about me?
Is your spouse’s lover aware of your existence? If yes, how did they portray you to them? Did they use the oldest trick in the book of claiming that they are stuck in an unhappy marriage with an unbearable spouse to win this other person’s affections? Did your spouse promise them that they’d divorce you to be with them? Did your unfaithful wife or husband discuss a future together with their affair partner?
If their answer to these questions is affirmative, you need to think long and hard about whether it is worth trying to salvage such a marriage. You probably thought you were like a regular couple, but apparently you’d drifted apart to an extent that your spouse used your existence to get close to someone else.
You deserve a lot better than a lying, conniving life partner who wouldn’t hesitate to paint you as the villain to win over someone else.
8. Do you still have feelings for that person?
When caught, most cheaters swear that they’d end the affair and make amends. But does your spouse actually mean that? Or are they just saying it to keep the marriage from falling apart? Asking them about how they feel about this other person becomes one of the most important infidelity questions to ask, as it’ll help you assess the sincerity of your spouse’s promises.
If they still have feelings for their lover, chances are that they’d gravitate toward them sooner or later, despite themselves. Your marriage may not be able to survive another incident of cheating.
So, it’s best to find out now and make a decision that will work out well for all parties involved.
9. What is it that they have and I lack?
This question is not meant to hurt your sense of self-worth. Your spouse chose to love you and marry you for who you are. And so, you should have been enough. Besides, you should never have to changes yourself to be loved and cherished by someone.
Even so, this is among the important 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse for the sake of seeing the situation from their perspective. Perhaps, you were too caught in balancing your work and domestic responsibilities to devote enough time to your spouse. This created some distance between you two, making room for a third person.
They found something in their affair partner that they did not find in you- and while there is a possibility that it was short term, it was still something that differentiates between you and the affair partner.
If you’re both willing to give your marriage a shot at survival, understanding these problem areas and finding solutions to fix them is key.
Related Reading: 15 Signs Your Husband Is Cheating On You With A Co-Worker
10. Did you plan a future with them?
Be it short-term plans such as taking a vacation together or long-term plans like moving in with them, it is indicative of the level of your spouse’s involvement with this other person. If they were planning to move out of home to live with this person, then your unfaithful spouse has been too deeply involved with their lover.
The affair can no longer be dismissed as a fleeting transgression. It has evolved into a full-blown relationship, with physical and emotional intimacy. In case it has come to that, it’d be wise for you to decide to let go of your spouse.
A divorce can be a daunting proposition but being stuck in a loveless marriage, with someone else occupying your spouse’s heart and mind isn’t exactly a desirable situation to be in either.
When you use these 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse, pay attention to how sincerely they respond. The answer to whether or not you should forgive and give your marriage another try lies in there. If your spouse is evasive or defensive in their replies, it’s a clear sign that they do not regret cheating on you and are likely to repeat it. In that case, staying and trying to make it work doesn’t make any sense.
You can ask them about how and when the affair began, whether they are in love with this other person, and if they’re willing to end the affair for the sake of your marriage.
It can be hard to rebuilding trust after cheating and make peace with your spouse’s unfaithfulness. With time and consistent effort to work on your issues, you can make it happen. Couples therapy can also be extremely beneficial for those trying to give their marriage another chance in the aftermath of an affair.
No, not necessarily. If your partner’s act of cheating was a one-off, they may well be able to correct the course and not go down that path again. It all depends on how much they value the principles of monogamy and fidelity.
While it’s not possible to forget the pain of being cheated upon, you can always forgive and give your marriage a second chance. Time does blunt the pain enough that you can learn to live with it and love your spouse despite their unfaithfulness.
Yes, the cheater’s guilt is a real thing. If your spouse has cheated on you, chances are that the guilt must have been eating them up all along.