Being protective of your partner in a relationship is natural. But does your boyfriend restrict your freedom and control your decisions including what to wear and what to post on Instagram, all in the name of protectiveness ? If yes, then you actually have an overprotective boyfriend and are not in a healthy relationship.
To understand the difference between protectiveness and overprotectiveness, specifically overprotective boyfriend meaning, we talked to emotional wellness and mindfulness coach Pooja Priyamvada (certified in Psychological and Mental Health First Aid from Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health and the University of Sydney). She specializes in counseling for extramarital affairs, breakups, separation, grief and loss, to name a few.
15 Signs You Have An Overprotective Boyfriend
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Maybe you’ve been feeling uncomfortable around your boyfriend but can’t quite pinpoint why. Or maybe you just had another screamfest over your last social media post that was liked by a random male coworker. If yes, it’s possible that you have a possessive boyfriend but don’t fully understand the overprotective meaning in relationships. Here are some signs you should look out for:
1. Distrustful behavior
What does it mean when a guy is overprotective of you? Pooja says, “He wants to know about every minute of your day, monitors your phone and social media accounts, and is critical or suspicious of your friends. He believes that you are incapable of making your own choices and decisions.”
An overprotective boyfriend might:
- Snoop through your things
- Eavesdrop on your conversations
- Track your GPS location to keep track of where you are going
- Cross-question you incessantly
Related Reading: 10 Important Components Of Trust In A Relationship
2. Lack of personal space
An overprotective boyfriend doesn’t understand your personal space or the importance of your privacy. He wouldn’t let you do things alone, like going out with your friends or even having a relaxing evening by yourself. Building a relationship with a man who has no respect for your boundaries is a struggle and never worth the effort.
3. Insecurity and jealousy
Pooja points out, “It is okay to seek attention from your partner and feel jealous and or possessive about them sometimes. But regular jealousy and possessiveness would certainly be unhealthy.”
There’s a jealous bone in everyone. We’ve all felt a knot in our bellies when our favorite person seems to be paying attention to someone else. But then rational thought and trust in our partners take over and we realize we’re overreacting. So, if your boyfriend accuses you of flirting with every man you speak to, you’ve got a problem. This is a clear sign that he is constantly feeling insecure about the men you interact with.
Insecurities like that often tend to snowball into abusive relationships. So, unless it’s at a level where clear communication can solve everything, you should avoid people like that at all costs.
Related Reading: 11 Ways An Insecure Partner Drains A Relationship And 5 Ways To Fix It
4. He doesn’t like your independence
If your boo seems to have a problem with you doing anything without him, it’s generally because he wants your life to revolve around his. When a guy says you belong to him, you might think it’s one of the signs of a protective boyfriend, of someone who cares enough to always want you around. In truth, he’s probably more concerned about staying relevant in your life and can’t deal with dating an independent woman. If this keeps happening, you have to set some clear boundaries instead of giving up all your hobbies and friendships just to appease him.
Related Reading: Husband Abused Her When She Said She Wanted To Get Back To Work After A Break
5. Possessiveness
One of the signs of a protective boyfriend is that he treats you like an equal partner and respects you as a person. An overprotective boyfriend, however, sees you as his property, insisting that you’re his and his alone. It may feel romantic initially but watch out for when things get out of hand and he becomes a possessive man. There is a difference between being cheesy and being toxic. If he doesn’t seem to know the difference and often shows his ‘love’ for you by trying to keep you from male friends and colleagues, it may be time for a serious conversation.
6. Entitlement
If you start believing, “My boyfriend is overprotective” when he feels a sense of entitlement toward you, you’d be correct. Pooja says, “If he makes your decisions for you and thinks he knows better than you about your experience, it is definitely coming from their sense of entitlement and overprotective behavior which is never right.”
If your boyfriend expects you to always be at his beck and call, you might want to rethink your relationship. Overprotective boyfriend stories tell us that men like these will feel entitled to every moment and aspect of your life. And if you try to safeguard your personal space, accusations will rain down on you like a hailstorm. Men used to their sense of entitlement can get very abusive if you try to correct their behavior.
Related Reading: 7 Signs He Is Dominating In The Relationship
7. Guilt-tripping
Guilt-tripping is another one of the subtle signs of them being overprotective in a relationship. If you go out with your friends and have a good time, your overprotective boyfriend may guilt-trip you for not spending that time with him. You will end up feeling guilty for just wanting to spend your day the way you want to. While harder to spot, this is one of the classic signs of an overprotective partner.
Pooja says, “Guilt-tripping in relationships is not okay at all. People are not just confined to their romantic relationships only. They must have equally important other relationships. When a partner resents you spending time with your friends, he is hugely insecure.”
Related Reading: 9 Ways To Be Independent In A Romantic Relationship
8. Overly controlling
Men naturally tend to lead a relationship. But some take it to the extreme and turn into a control freak. This trait may manifest in seemingly inconsequential ways like always deciding the dinner menu for you. But then, it can turn extreme, like when a guy says you belong to him or starts dictating your career choices and who you hang out with. Initially, you wonder, “Why is he so protective of me?” but once you get used to it, it’ll be very hard to reclaim your independence.
Related Reading: 9 Signs It’s Time For Taking A Break In A Relationship
In such cases, Pooja advises, “Speak to your boyfriend when he acts overly controlling. Tell him you feel watched and controlled. Communication is the key, try telling him what is okay and what is not.”
9. He is restrictive
If your jealous and controlling partner starts restricting your freedom of movement, it’s a clear sign that he is being overprotective. That café you love going to will suddenly be off-limits because you smiled at the waiter. Or your girl’s night out will get canceled after your overprotective boyfriend throws a tantrum over you going out without him.
Try to nip such tendencies in the bud because, if you let him, an overprotective boyfriend will keep at it till he has you cornered with no space to breathe. Nothing kills a loving relationship faster than the feeling of dating a control freak.
10. Tries to stop you from wearing what you like
Some men like to obsess over the clothes you wear. They can’t understand that what dress you wear, how much makeup you put on is entirely up to you. They will berate and harass you for wearing anything that doesn’t cover every tiny skin cell. You might ask yourself, “Why is my boyfriend overprotective?” These tendencies come from a feeling of insecurity and a misplaced sense of possession and can be very harmful in the long term.
Related Reading: The 10 Biggest Turn-Offs For Women
11. Issues with your social media
Overprotective boyfriends stalk your social media and bring up every little thing such as a like or a simple comment can end in a fight. And woe is you if you ever dare laugh at another guy’s jokes. Sound familiar? Then it may be time to go back to being happily single.
Related Reading: 19 Glaring Social Media Red Flags In Relationships You Should Never Ignore
12. Aggressiveness
One common trait in all overprotective boyfriends is how volatile they become if you go against their wishes. They become aggressive at the drop of the hat. And their abusive behavior can quickly escalate to violence. These tendencies usually start slow and gain momentum over time as more and more of their aggression goes unchecked. And this qualifies as one of the biggest relationship red flags.
Why is my boyfriend overprotective and aggressive, you ask? Pooja says, “The reasons can be multiple, from lack of trust to lack of communication in the relationship. Past incidents could also make someone insecure about their partner. Likewise, issues from childhood like abandonment trauma could also play a key role here.”
Research points out that children who are exposed to violence in their homes at early ages may end up becoming aggressive individuals when they grow up. Data estimates that up to 275 million of the world’s children are exposed to violence in their homes each year.
13. Constant demands
If your overprotective boyfriend texts you or keeps calling you throughout the day when you make plans with other people, then he clearly doesn’t want you paying attention to anyone but him. It might get to a point where he obsessively tries to hog all your time. If you take a day away from him, your phone is going to get bombarded with angsty texts and angry phone calls.
Related Reading: Have a clingy boyfriend? Here is how to deal with him!
So, what does it mean when a guy is overprotective of you and behaves in such a manner? Pooja emphasizes, “The overprotectiveness indicates the presence of underlying insecurities. You should communicate to him what you feel, try to understand why he is behaving this way and, if this seems irreconcilable, see a counselor together.”
So, as Pooja points out, there is no harm in taking couples therapy. In fact, even celebrity couples like Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez haven’t shied away from talking about how couples therapy has helped them.
14. You can’t praise other men
An easy way to spot an overprotective boyfriend is to see how he reacts to you praising other men. He can’t stand you praising anyone else and would instantly create an issue over it. They might even go as far as to call you disloyal. Such men always want to be at the receiving end of your smiles and praise and cannot accept you paying attention to anyone else even for a moment. It might get to a point where even a friendly smile to a stranger can trigger his insecurities and send him into a fury.
You might repeatedly wonder, “My boyfriend is overprotective and insecure. What should I do?” In such situations, you have to take a stand for yourself. “Negotiate critical boundaries as power struggles happen where there is no sense of authority and one person tries to dominate the other. Don’t let that happen in any relationship,” says Pooja.
15. Gaslighting and manipulation
Overprotective meaning in relationships includes manipulation and gaslighting. Manipulative men will whittle away at your self-confidence over days and weeks and years, till you become a shadow of your former self. It is much easier for them to control you if they can constantly undermine your choices and make you doubt yourself. They will deliberately mess with your mental health, emotionally abuse you, and use gaslighting phrases on you at every turn to make you more pliable.
Such egomaniacs will keep on going till you lose all semblance of independence. Such behavior is not even a red flag. It’s a stop sign the size of a billboard.
“It is okay to feel protective toward our loved ones, but to feel “overprotective” to the point of restricting someone is never healthy. Protective would mean ensuring a loved one is safe with their level of comfort and consent, controlling would mean overriding their consent regarding their protection and/or safety,” Pooja concludes.
Is Being Protective A Sign Of Love?
Yes, being protective in a relationship to a certain extent can be a sign of love. But you should know the difference between love and toxicity. Unlike an overprotective partner, a protective partner does not try to control your decisions or isolate you from others. Here are some signs of healthy protectiveness in a partner as per Pooja:
- Respecting your boundaries
- Offering support for working toward your goals
- Taking a stand for you in front of other people when needed
- Prioritizes your needs
- Finding a middle ground when there is a difference of preferences or opinions, rather than forcing their choice on you
- Working on building trust and becoming your safe space
When you notice your partner being protective in these ways, then yes, it can definitely be a sign of love.
Related Reading: 12 Simple Tips To Build Healthy Relationships
How To Deal With An Overprotective Boyfriend
An overprotective boyfriend can make you feel suffocated and miserable, and this behavior cannot sustain a long-term relationship. However, a possessive and controlling partner is not always aware of the negative effects of their actions and doesn’t have the intention of hurting you. But that does not mean that you should put up with this toxic trait. Here are things you can do to manage your partner’s overprotective behavior:
1. Open communication
Ignoring signs of overprotectiveness or waiting for things to change on their own is a recipe for disaster. Sooner or later, you’ll realize that you can’t tolerate it anymore and the relationship may be irreparable by then. To avoid this, have a detailed conversation early on when you first notice such behavior.
Pooja says, “Discuss with your partner what is causing this insecurity and jealousy. Maybe they had a bad relationship in the past or it’s a result of childhood trauma. Many reasons can lead to controlling behavior in a person. Once you understand the issue, you can work accordingly to resolve it.”
2. Set boundaries
Once you’ve heard your partner and understood their perspective, it’s time for you to voice your concerns. Assure them that you’ll work together to resolve their issues but at the same time, make it clear that you deserve respect in the relationship and won’t compromise on it.
Establish boundaries and make it clear that these are non-negotiable no matter the circumstance. You can also help them figure out other coping techniques so that you don’t have to put up with toxic or abusive actions.
3. Express your love often
Sometimes, insecurities can arise when a partner does not feel loved enough. If that seems to be the issue, incorporate regular expressions of love in your day-to-day life. It doesn’t always take a fancy date or an expensive gift to remind them of your love. Here are some small gestures you can make to show affection:
- Text/call during the day to tell them that they are on your mind
- Drop sweet texts now and then such as “Can’t wait to meet you!”
- Say I love you often
- Offer little gifts as tokens of love
4. If necessary, call it quits
Remember, you can support your partner if they are trying to improve, but there’s nothing you can do if they are not willing to change. If that is the case, stop wasting your time and just break up to save yourself from further misery.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. Is it normal for my boyfriend to be overprotective?
No. Protectiveness is normal and even healthy in a relationship. But overprotectiveness is a toxic trait and should not be tolerated or swept under the rug. You should address it as soon as you notice the signs and leave if things don’t seem to get better.
2. Is being overprotective a red flag?
Yes, a big one. Being overprotective should never be confused with love or romance. It can lead to many other relationship problems such as trust issues, paranoia, and even abuse in extreme cases.
Key Pointers
- There is a difference between being protective and overprotective in a relationship
- An overprotective boyfriend controls your decisions, tracks your every little activity, isolates you and guilt trips you into obeying him
- This type of behavior can affect your self esteem and mental health extremely
- You can address the situation by having an honest conversation and setting boundaries
- If things get worse, leave
Final Thoughts
If you ever wondered, “why is he so protective of me?” It is because protectiveness and even a little jealousy is natural in relationships. But when in excess, it becomes a toxic trait. An overprotective boyfriend controls your decisions, isolates you from your friends, invades your privacy and manipulates you into staying in this suffocating relationship. You can use communication and firm boundaries to deal with an overprotective partner but if things don’t improve, leave to save your sanity.
21 Toxic Girlfriend Signs Not Easy To Spot – It’s Her, Not You
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