Before there are red flags, there are yellow ones. Before your best friend tells you that they saw your partner in another city with a “friend” you didn’t know you two had, there are all the signs there is someone else in your partner’s life that you have been noticing but ignoring.
You do this in response to the basic human instinct of self-preservation. It is not easy dealing with the hunch that you might be being cheated on. This kind of intuition, much less discovery, is enough to affect your sense of identity and self-worth.
Being a breach of trust that you put in someone, this is plainly and simply put, hurtful and a direct attack on your self-esteem. To know that this trust has been violated, this discovery could be disorienting and shattering. Shattering because you might have to consider a breakup, which could indicate a huge shift in the way you had imagined your future, your goals and aspirations.
Before you must take a death dive into confronting your partner, you might be looking to confirm your feelings. This is where we come in with these 17 tell-tale signs she is seeing someone else or signs there is someone else in his life.
17 Signs There Is Someone Else In Your Partner’s Life
Some of these signs that there is someone else in your partner’s life are clear relationship red flags indicating something is wrong in your relationship. The remaining are more yellow, or subtle, and will need to be seen in connection with other signs. Whether you ultimately seek relationship counseling with your partner or chose to part ways, we hope these signs will help you gain clarity on how you’d like to deal with this situation:
1. They constantly mention someone else
Are your partner’s conversations littered with the mention of a new name? Recommendation of a place, conversation about a holiday, quoting a joke, sharing an anecdote. Can your partner not help but bring someone up all the time? This is the classic one of the signs that she is seeing someone else or that there is someone else in his life.
It’s natural. When they constantly have someone on their mind, or when a lot of their time is being spent with someone, it’s only natural for their name to spill in conversations. Why would one mention someone they don’t want you to know about, you would think?
It happens when your partner is overconfident in their hiding skills. Or when they think they have you convinced, “He/she/they is/are just a friend!” It is also possible that they have stopped caring and are subconsciously waiting for you to find out so that they don’t have to tell you about it themselves.
Related Reading: The Anatomy Of An Affair
2. Their new routine doesn’t make sense
Your partner always mentioned that they liked to come back home from the gym to shower, get dressed and head for work. That it’s just easier that way instead of carrying everything to the gym. The office schedule remains the same but all of a sudden they have changed gyms to the one closer to the office and they now carry their change of clothes and head directly to work.
You will have a hunch that will tell you when a new routine just doesn’t make sense. “Is he cheating or am I being paranoid?”, you ask? Don’t doubt your intelligence is what we will tell you. When their routine logically doesn’t make any sense, you should have clear signs there is someone else who is filling in those gaping gaps in their routine that you have been finding odd.
3. They have changed their appearance – Inner and outer
Or they are trying really hard to. Recent obsessive interest in going to the gym, a new hairstyle, a new grooming routine could all indicate a new passion or new interest in someone. A recent splurge on clothing, outerwear and innerwear, might also indicate the same thing. As does a sudden involvement in a new hobby or pastime that they are trying to keep you out of.
It could be a part of a recent resolve with themselves to do something new. Or it might be something they are doing for you. Either way, your gut will tell you which way is it intended. Most of these signs create a feeling of something being “off” in relation to other signs that have been glaring at you, signs there is someone else.
4. They forget to keep in touch with you
You are not wrong to expect a call back or at least a text from your partner during a busy day. We are not talking about giving all their time to you every day or always being ready to respond to your calls no matter where they are. That is not only impractical but also unreasonable.
Do they tell you they just couldn’t find the time to respond to your call? Or they couldn’t even drop you a short note to tell you that they have been busy? These are clear signs something is amiss. It indicates that you are not on their list of priorities and that you have not been on their mind. You feel rightfully hurt that it didn’t even matter to them that you must have been worried or waiting to hear from them.
This is one of the easiest signs to ignore because it is always justified with the excuse of being busy or being tired, or generally, life or work taking over. But in a healthy relationship, partners prioritize communication. They communicate busyness, need for space and the inability to connect as well. You are not wrong that regular gaps or a lack of communication feel like signs there is someone else or that something is wrong.
5. You often catch them in white lies
Or not being able to keep track of their own stories. Has your partner been either regularly repeating their stories a lot to you or thinking they shared something with you when they did not? This could clearly be one of the signs there is someone else in your partner’s life they are sharing intimate details with. Now they can’t seem to remember who they share what with and when.
Did they give you a specific detail in a story and not being able to keep track of it, gave another detail altogether at a later stage, like the name of a restaurant they went to without you, or the date and time, or the friend they went with? The lies they have been telling you have clearly overwhelmed them and they can’t keep track of them anymore. Classic tell-tale signs of manipulation that he has been using to get around you. He, most probably, has another woman in his life or she has a parallel relationship going.
6. They try to keep their phone on them all the time
Are they carrying their phone everywhere with them – even to the bathroom? Are they taking utmost care to not leave their phone unattended? Have they changed their passwords and pins recently? Are they suddenly obsessing over privacy issues and making sure you let their phone be?
Do you see it? It is pretty clear they are trying to hide something from you. Cellphone and relationship problems go hand in hand. These could be clear signs he is talking to someone else online or she is cheating online. If it is a surprise they are planning for you and don’t want it ruin or if there is someone else, after all, your intuition and observation about how they are generally behaving around you will tell you clearly why they have been behaving differently.
Related Reading: 7 Cheating Spouse Text Message Codes
7. They distance themselves from you on social media
If your partner already has someone or is pursuing someone, they would want to maintain a single profile on social media. This means removing couple pictures, avoiding labels that indicate your relationship with them, and not acknowledging any posts or pictures that show that you two are in a relationship.
It is abundantly evident your partner is trying to not look like they are in a committed relationship in their attempt to be in the dating market for other people. You, in this case, could be their dirty little secret instead of the other way round. Do not try to ignore this for it is one of the signs she is seeing someone else or is readying herself to see someone else! It is also possible that these behaviors are signs he is talking to someone else online or maintaining an online dating profile that he has to link to his social media profiles.
8. They have begun avoiding PDA with you
The same holds in real life. As is in their virtual world, they might not want to look like they are in a relationship with someone in the real world. It would be the end of it for them in case their other partner saw you two hand-in-hand. Or if someone else saw you two out on an intimate date or sharing a kiss and told their other partner.
This is why they have been avoiding engaging in public displays of affection with you. They simply want to appear single and are trying to hide their committed status. Not taking you to parties and mixers or avoiding public appearances altogether are classic signs he is interested in someone else or she may be pursuing other romantic interests. They would definitely want to risk harming the facade of singlehood they are trying to create.
9. They seem too okay with problems at home
This is one of the subtle signs there is someone else in your partner’s life and is hard to catch. It is not about what they have been doing but more about what they have not. Your partner might seem emotionally withdrawn, unaffected by the issues at home that they passionately felt for before. Even your complaints with them might be falling on deaf ears, with them shirking most of them off. There are several excuses to cheat people come up with. This one is probably the saddest.
They might not be fretting over the things that they used to earlier because their passions are now divided. Their energy and attention are directed somewhere else, and they are either not even observing things at home that much or they have stopped caring about the issues at home.
10. They are oversharing or avoiding answering you
Did you ask them where they were in expectation of knowing just that, but they ended up telling you the entire story of why they had to go to the pub with their work colleagues, who all came, what did they eat, and who left last? Liars talk too much. Have you heard that one? People sometimes overshare when trying to convince you of their lie.
The other end of this lying spectrum is that your partner isn’t sharing enough. You clearly asked an open-ended question about how the party was. Their response – “It was okay.” When you have to probe someone too much to get them to talk about something, it is another indication that they are trying to hide something from you. Trying to dodge your questions and withhold information from you are typical signs he is interested in someone else or that she already has someone else in her life.
Related Reading: 23 Signs Of An Unhealthy Relationship
11. They are hiding finances
If they are out and about with someone else, they cannot do that without spending money, which makes it very easy to trace their real-time activities. Has your significant other been hiding their finances from you? Are they hiding receipts, transaction messages and account statements of big cash withdrawals? Have you and your partner always been sharing expenses in your relationship, it would be easy for you to spot changes in their behavior where money is concerned.
If your SO has always preferred digital payments, spending in cash all of a sudden could be one of the most obvious signs there is someone else in their life they are spending time and money with. If your partner is trying to separate accounts or demanding financial privacy, these are clear signs he has another woman in his life or she has another man in her life.
12. They are less affectionate or more affectionate than usual
Does your partner become jumpier when you ask about their whereabouts? Have they been snapping at you more often, showing irritation, more than usual? If you are right about the signs there is someone else in their life, they are behaving in this way because they are tip-toeing around you, scared you might catch their lies. Constant tip-toeing can be tiring, which is why they are not being their older affectionate self.
On the other hand, it is also possible that your partner is remorseful knowing they are guilty of cheating on you. They are either trying to compensate for the lost time or the shared love with you. Or they might simply be trying to feel better about their own guilt by loving you more. This could also be a frantic attempt at distracting you, keeping you happy and satisfied, so that you do not question if something seems off.
13. They smell different
This one is as classic as the lipstick stain. You could even call it cliched but that doesn’t make it any less relevant. We often ignore our sense of smell to pick up on cues, but as discreet as it is, when it gives signals to your gut, the sensation that something is off can be pretty strong. The science of smell is to not be taken for granted!
Evolutionarily speaking, humans have depended on their sense of smell to feel attracted to and find a potential mate. So, this one could exactly be the sense that has your back in a romantic relationship.
Has your partner been smelling different? We don’t mean the new perfumes your partner has been indulging themselves in but the scents they are picking up from their new partner and carrying home with them. Don’t deny what your senses tell you!
14. The sex is different
In a healthy relationship, sex is an act of honest connection and a result of embracing vulnerability. Only when partners are ready to be vulnerable, do they lay bare their true selves. In this intimate zone, it is very easy to pick up on the feeling that something is off.
The act of sex could begin to feel different. Your partner may begin to feel emotionally withdrawn. You don’t feel the connection anymore. It is also possible that they may seem less inclined to have sex, more tired than usual. A sudden lack of interest in sex could also be one of the signs there is someone else in your partner’s life. (Sexless relationship effects can be serious. Get to the root of it even if it isn’t due to infidelity.)
The guilt of cheating may even begin to surface in them and they may seem more emotional than usual when intimate with you. If the sex becomes different all of a sudden, it could be one of those clear signs there is someone else who is sharing in on your love.
Related Reading: 11 Confessions By Married People On Why They Stopped Having Sex
15. Your gut says something is wrong
Always trust your gut. Your body is trained to pick up on cues that you may not even be consciously aware of. It tries to make sense of all the information it collects and signals us to protect ourselves. Even before our conscious self begins to deduce what has been going on, our gut, our intuition already knows.
Moreover, you know your partner and their cues best. If something feels off, it usually is off. Our inner intelligence is always trying to protect us. Your gut has your back. Trust your gut.
This doesn’t hold true for people who are naturally more suspicious. If you have always called yourself the “jealous type”, it is possible that you are prone to being more suspicious or cautious in love. You might have suffered from past trauma that makes you behave this way. (We cannot not mention here that it is possible that someone has manipulated you into believing that you are the “jealous type” when you are not).
If you have always found it difficult to trust people, maybe there is actually no cause for concern. Jealousy in a relationship is most often an indication of several other things. Either way, it is okay to directly ask your partner about your anxieties and concerns. Do it in a calm, non-threatening, non-threatened fashion and see how they respond.
16. They don’t make efforts to ease your insecurity
If and when you do mention your insecurities to your partner, how does it affect them? If they say that your doubts are unfounded and there is no one else in their life, do they try to ease your anxiety? Do they make efforts to undo the damage? Does it matter to them what you think and how you feel?
If their response is to just dismiss your concerns, they are possibly hiding something from you. After being put on a spot or being confronted, they are either too anxious to want to talk to you in detail or scared of the doubts they have to clear. The questions they would have to answer intimidate them because all they have to offer to you are lies.
17. They gaslight you when confronted
Alternatively, they do the most manipulative thing a person can do to their loved one. Instead of sympathizing with you in lieu of the pain you have been suffering imagining the worst, instead of being gentle and kind with you, they gaslight you.
Instead of helping you ease your doubts and complexes, they tell you that you are an insecure person who has always been jealous and doubtful of everyone around you. A partner who is manipulative and cheating could even turn the whole thing around and seek sympathy from you. They will tell you that they believe you have been cheating on them.
Your partner might turn confrontational. They might make the moment about something else altogether and turn the conversation back at you, listing your faults, blaming you back for their suffering. Responding to gaslighting is tricky. Seek help from professionals.
These signs are mere indications that something is clearly amiss in your relationship with your partner. Your partner could be cheating on you or might be dealing with their own issues that they haven’t chosen to share with you for some reason.
The only way to know what is really going on is to ask your partner directly. Their response will help you decide your course of action. The next step toward a more conflict-free life can be to approach therapy together, or part ways, or something else that your relationship needs.
That being said, dealing with a cheating partner is a traumatic, debilitating, heart-wrenching experience as you see the ground beneath your feet shift, your self-respect shattered, your hopes and dreams dissolve into nothingness. Hold the hand of a friend or a trusted family member for support in this phase. And needless to say, nothing can replace the role of an experienced, skilled counselor or therapist and who can help you in this journey toward a happier life. If you’re seeking professional help to navigate this trying situation, Bonobology’s panel of skilled and licensed counselors is here for you.
If your man has slept with someone else or has been cheating on you, the lies will catch up on him soon enough. Leading a double life is tiring. Many signs might give your partner away. Signs he is talking to someone else, on the slippery slope toward sleeping with them, if not already doing so. The best way to confirm it is by directly addressing this question to your partner.
The same way as what we discussed above. Your instincts will pick up on all the signs that she is seeing someone else and you will have a gut feeling. But the only way to confirm it is to address the question directly to your partner. Depending on her response you can decide where to go from there.