Do you suspect your partner of having cheated on you? Or worse still, do you have concrete proof of their transgressions? In both situations, your instinct may be to confront them. But when you do, don’t expect them to give in easily, come clean to you, and apologize for what they have done. The things cheaters say when confronted can be truly shocking and add to the pain you’re reeling from.
Sometimes, a cheater may even gaslight you into thinking that you’re crazy to even suspect they’d betray your trust. Or a cheater caught red-handed may try to brush it off like a non-issue. To make sure your concerns are not diminished, invalidated, or downright rejected, we give a lowdown on the 20 most mind-boggling things cheaters say to hide affairs or get away with infidelity.
20 Shocking Things Cheaters Say When Confronted
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“My husband cheated and is angry at me. Why do cheaters get angry when caught?” “My wife had an affair. I have been waiting around to see signs she cheated and feels guilty but there are none. What does it mean?” “My partner has been sleeping around and acts like it means nothing.” When you’re dealing with lying cheating men and women, feeling confused by their response to being caught cheating is not uncommon.
When caught, cheaters start making excuses in a bid to undo the damage they’ve done to the relationship or wriggle out of the guilt of having betrayed a partner who loves them deeply. But we’re here to help you combat these tactics of cheaters caught in the act with a detailed guide on things cheaters say when confronted.
So, how do cheaters react when confronted? Their reaction can range from guilt-tripping their partner to defiantly accepting what they’ve done, dismissing it completely, or begging for forgiveness without being willing to address the elephant in the room. It is thus important to prepare for how they will respond before you confront your partner. Here are 20 shocking things cheaters say to hide affairs and infidelity:
1. It didn’t mean anything
The most instinctive reaction of a cheater caught betraying their partner is to wash their hands off it by using statements like, “It didn’t mean anything. In this case, upon getting accused of cheating, your partner may not deny having cheated on you but will try to minimize the gravity of the situation by trying to convince you there were no feelings involved.
It is a way to ensure that the cheating episode doesn’t threaten your relationship with them. They want you to believe that the act of infidelity was a random one-night stand, a mistake, maybe a moment’s weakness. In other words, implying that it is not a huge issue and that you should move on. Well, wrong. Remember, cheating is always a choice and your partner has given in to the temptation. Who knows if they won’t do it again, or haven’t done it before you caught them?
2. How could you even think I’d cheat on you?
If you confront your partner solely based on a gut feeling they’re cheating but no proof, they may use this classic guilt-tripping technique to wriggle out of facing the music for their actions. “How could you even think I’d cheat on you?” With this question, they gaslight you into doubting your own perception of reality, albeit momentarily. When someone goes on the offensive and blames you for doubting them upon getting accused of cheating, it’s bound to make you wonder whether you’re, in fact, hurling baseless accusations.
Such a response is hardly surprising. You see the mindset of a cheating man or woman is to have their cake and eat it too, so they will want to get away with their transgressions for as long as possible. Rarely does a cheater want to jeopardize their primary relationship. So unless it’s a cheater caught with concrete proof staring them in the face, they may try to get away with it.
3. I was thinking of you the whole time
Cheaters caught in the act, with nowhere to hide, may use this statement — or something to this effect — to make you believe how miserable they feel about betraying you. This intent here is to make it seem as if they had no control over their actions, and even though they were physically with someone else, their heart and mind were preoccupied with you. When confronting a cheating spouse or partner, be wary of such manipulative statements. These are nothing but a ploy to appease you.
4. He/She makes me feel alive again
Sometimes a cheater caught with no wiggle room to get away with their transgressions may have no choice but to own up to their actions. In such situations, an offense can seem like the best defense. So, they may say something hurtful like, “He/she makes me feel alive again”, implying that you don’t. This is a clever way to chalk up the cheating to being in a boring relationship.
Statements like these add insult to injury. If you decided to confront your partner hoping there’d be signs she cheated and feels guilty or he feels sorry about betraying you, you’re going to be disappointed.
5. What is the big deal?
My friend, Liz, was in for a rude shock when she decided to confront her cheating husband. Liz was married to a rich businessman, who treated her as nothing more than a trophy wife. He spent most of his time traveling for work, and even when he was in the city, he was never home. Even when he was home, he barely had time for Liz and the children. Eventually, she learned he had a long-term affair going on with his CFO.
One evening, Lize decided to confront him about it. He didn’t even bother denying or apologizing for his cheating ways. Instead, he responded with, “Yeah, so? Why are you making such a big deal out of it? I provide for you and the kids. Thanks to me, you’re enjoying the high life, and the children are set for life. If I find happiness with her, why does it bother you.”
Liz was shocked. “My husband cheated and is angry at me for wanting answers. How does any of it make sense?” she asked me. I didn’t know what to say to her. When the mindset of a cheating man is that of entitlement, such a response to questions about infidelity is hardly surprising.
6. It happened only once
This is often the go-to response of cheaters caught in the act. Since they have no way of denying that they are guilty of cheating, they try to wriggle out of the sticky situation by claiming that it was a one-off incident. The premise is that a one-time meaningless sexual encounter is easier to forgive than a long-term affair.
Our advice would be not to take your partner’s word at face value. They’ve likely spent a long time pondering over the question, “How do I get away with cheating?”, and know just what to say to get away with being unfaithful to you. Take the time to dig deeper and ascertain whether there is any truth to your partner’s claims.
Related Reading: 8 Things Cheating Says About A Person
7. You were so distant
When trying to figure out how to confront a cheater, be prepared for the possibility that they may turn the tables on you by saying they cheated because you were distant or emotionally neglectful. Upon getting accused of cheating, your partner may play the victim card. They put the blame on you and make you question yourself.
The subtext here is that you were distant and uninvolved when they were there for you, and that hurt them. That is when this other person came along offering care and love and they just slipped incidentally. Your partner will try to make you believe that it was your fault. This can be one of the most shocking things a cheater can ever say, leaving you doubting whether you’ve failed them as a partner.
8. I don’t know why I did it
One of the most shocking things cheaters say to hide affairs or get away with infidelity is that they have no idea why they slipped. They are, in effect, trying to tell you that they are as shocked by their behavior as you, so you feel bad for them. In such cases, the mindset of a cheating man or woman whose transgressions have been exposed is to get away without having to take accountability for their actions. What better way to do that than by claiming they have no clue why they did what they did!
9. It was just flirting
Even after getting accused of cheating, your partner may have the audacity to downright deny they have been unfaithful by minimizing it as just some harmless flirting. This could be one of the things cheaters say to hide affairs and infidelity if you see them cozying up to the person they’re cheating on you with and that gets you suspicious but you have no proof of their involvement with this other person.
Lying, cheating men and women don’t think twice before calling their partners insecure, paranoid, or straight-up crazy. Well, when confronting a cheating spouse/partner, if you’re met with this retort, be sure to tell them that flirting can amount to cheating. Or at the very least, be the first step toward infidelity. Besides, flirting with someone who isn’t your partner is a big deal as well, especially when you are flirting with intent.
Related Reading: It Had All Started With Innocuous Flirting On WhatsApp
10. It just happened
A cheater caught betraying your trust may tell you that “it just happened”. They make it sound as if the cheating incident was beyond their control by calling it a “drunken mistake” or a sudden encounter. Well, do not fall for this. Ask yourself, “If it was just a mistake, then why did your partner not tell you about it?”
Even if it was a one-time thing, the only way you can be sure it won’t happen again is if your partner shows remorse for their actions and follows it up with concrete steps to make sure they don’t do it again. When confronting a cheating spouse, remember promises and assurances without change amount to manipulation. Don’t fall for it.
11. It’s not what it looks like
Let’s say you have seen a suspicious text message in your partner’s inbox. Maybe someone sent them a “Love you” at 2 a.m., and when you confront them about it, your partner responds by saying, “It’s not what it looks like, you’re misunderstanding things” or “We’re just really good friends” or “Our relationship is strictly platonic, you have nothing to worry about.”
A cheater caught red-handed might still try to get away with it by coming up with some hard-to-swallow explanations for their actions or the circumstances. Perhaps, they’re frantically thinking, “How do I get away with cheating?”, and these responses are the best they can come up with to try and throw you off the scent of their lying, cheating ways.
12. I got bored
After the honeymoon phase of a relationship wears off, things can become mundane and routine. Boredom in relationships is a real problem but it cannot be an excuse for infidelity. If your partner responds to allegations of cheating with, “I strayed because our sex life has become dull and boring”, or “We have started taking each other for granted, being with him/her made me feel like I mattered”, know that they’re making excuses for their actions.
The onus to keep the spark alive is on both partners. If they were bored or feeling taken for granted, they could have made an effort to revive the love, chemistry, and passion. Finding solace in the arms of another person is not the solution to this rather common relationship issue.
13. It was just sex
As if that’s not bad enough! Irrespective of its nature, infidelity is always painful. Whether a person is cheating on their partner emotionally or physically, it is just as hurtful to the person at the receiving end of the betrayal. Cheating just to satisfy one’s carnal urges is still cheating and just as devastating.
Lying, cheating men and women often use this retort to imply that since there was no emotional involvement, their partners shouldn’t make a big deal about it. If your partner says this, ask them if they know how much their having “just sex” with another person would hurt you. If they knew and still went ahead with it, does it mean that they care more about their bodily pleasures than their commitment to you?
Related Reading: 17 Signs Your Partner Is Having An Online Affair
14. I didn’t want to hurt you
How do cheaters react when confronted? They act as if they care about you. When you confront your partner, they might just respond by saying, “I didn’t want to hurt you.” They may say they have not been happy in the relationship for a while but they didn’t want to hurt you. By saying so, they want to make you responsible for the episode.
15. You cheated on me first
This is one of the most shocking and hurtful things cheaters say when confronted. When you confront your partner about their betrayal, they may turn the entire situation on its head by accusing you of betraying their trust, making their actions seem like a case of revenge cheating.
When backed into a corner and looking for an answer to, “How do I get away with cheating?”, a cheater may bring up the most inconsequential interactions you’ve had with friends, colleagues, or even strangers, painting them like signs of infidelity. If this is how your partner responds when questioned about their cheating ways, know that they feel no remorse for their actions.
Related Reading: Sexless Marriage Effect On Husband – 9 Ways It Takes A Toll On Him
16. I wasn’t thinking straight. He/she came on to me
Cheaters may not even shy away from blaming their actions on their affair partner. They may tell you how they told their affair partner that they were in a serious relationship or married but he/she still kept seducing them. Your partner will try to portray that the person they were cheating on you with somehow made them do it. The things cheaters say when confronted can truly be mind-boggling.
17. I’m not happy with you
One of the awful and most hurtful things cheaters say when confronted is this. Your partner will say that they aren’t happy in the relationship/marriage and that’s why they ended up cheating. So is being unhappy in a relationship a license to cheat? Why did they not make an effort to repair their bond with you? Or communicate how they were feeling? Remember, these are all excuses for a choice they’ve made. Don’t let your partner tell you otherwise.
Related Reading: 8 Steps To Deal With Your Spouse’s Emotional Affair
18. You’re being paranoid
How do cheaters react when accused? With denial. Unless you have concrete evidence or have caught your partner red-handed, they may outright deny any allegations of infidelity no matter how many red flags and signs you point to. They may even blame you for being insecure and jealous or try to reassure you that there’s nothing to worry about. But if your gut instinct is telling you otherwise, don’t fall for these tricks and platitudes.
19. It’s over now, I only love you
One of the things cheaters say when confronted is, “It’s over now. I only love you.” Now, there could be some truth to it, so make sure you have all the facts before you confront your partner. Sometimes people end their affairs when the enormity of their mistake dawns on them and they realize that they want to save their primary relationship/marriage.
That said, just because an incident of infidelity happened in the past doesn’t make it a non-issue. You may still feel the anger and pain of betrayal. Remember, forgiving your cheating partner is solely your decision. Listen to what your partner has to say about it and make a decision.
20. I don’t love you anymore. I want out
Sometimes when you confront your cheating partner, it gives them an opening to confess how they feel about you, and the relationship/marriage. Your partner’s affair may have started out as a fling but they ended up falling in love with their affair partner. Perhaps, they just needed a way to tell you about it and this confrontation has helped them do just that. All relationships/marriages don’t promise a forever after. This revelation may be painful but it can save you from a dead-end relationship/marriage.
Confronting your cheating partner is painful, especially when you imagined your future with this person. Sometimes, partners tend to cheat on you but return to their relationship/marriage once they realize their mistake. Some cheating partners don’t regret their actions and make excuses for their actions. And then, there are partners who blame their transgressions on you. Your partner may ask for forgiveness, promising you that he/she will never do it again. Whether or not to give them another chance is your decision.
FAQs
If you are accusing an innocent person, there is a strong likelihood of them feeling offended and hurt. When a cheater is accused, they try to deny their actions and do not answer the allegations. Instead, they retort that you do not trust them. Their idea is to create doubt in your mind.
The first thing to ensure is to make a cheater feel that he can confess. Open-ended, simple questions that do not reek of accusation will make your partner admit to cheating. Be empathetic and watch your tone and words. When someone is admitting to cheating, you need to stay calm. While it is natural to let anger and disappointment get the better of you, being aggressive will not get a cheater to confess.
Yes, cheaters can get defensive, raise their voices, and question your own loyalty. They may accuse you of ‘not trusting them’ and deflect their sense of responsibility. Your questions will irritate them and they criticize you and end up saying hurtful things just because you have blown their cover.
Do try to check for any signs of cheaters’ guilt in them. Moreover, they will start acting more shifty, guard their phone more, spend less time with you, and not show affection to you in the way they used to.
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Appreciate the article. Well written. Problems in a marriage or relationship can’t be license to cheat. Only coward , shameless , characterless,non-ethical and selfish crook (male/female) can only do cheating. Loyal partner deserve to know the truth irrespective of whether it is one night stand or affair etc . Even if one partner commits cheating feels regret also must not keep silent just because he/she came back to the relationship unless one is shameless non-ethical selfish crook. It’s loyal partner prerogative either to forgive the cheater or walk out of the relationship. Loyal partner need not waste his/her life with negative emotions or feeling inadequate for the sake of shameless,selfish & characterless cheater.