“Things didn’t feel right for weeks, she would smile weirdly when she checked her phone which was very often, always turned away from my sight when she did so. She started losing weight, tons of it. I asked her if she was involved with another man. She refused point-blank and accused me of calling her a cheater. We are childhood sweethearts I can read her like a book. When the lied did not add up, she confessed. Even when I knew something was wrong I wanted her to prove me wrong. Sadly, I was right. How could she have been cheating on me? I asked her, ‘What kind of a person cheating makes her?” She shrugged and said, ‘it was not intended’. That’s it. Her explanation, it was not intentional, it just happened. I asked her for a divorce, she is fine and we are going ahead with it. I am heartbroken” He wrote to us. He took our expert’s advice, got off Facebook, hit the gym, hired a lawyer, and started socializing single. His friends too opted to be with him rather than her. It was much later that he realised this was not her first transgression. She was a serial cheater.
What does cheating say about a person? Can we define a person’s character based on the fact that s/he has cheated? Does it say one thing if it was just one mistake? Does it say another if the person is a serial cheater? Why do we cheat on someone we love? Does it mean we have fallen out of love with our current partners? Do affairs last? Do marriages survive cheating? Do cheaters ever change? What does cheating say about a person? We get questions like these almost every day and while it is almost impossible to typecast people as cheaters or non-cheaters it is equally difficult to know whether a person who has cheated once will do so again.
Every person is unique and so is the relationship they share. A lot depends on the kind of relationship they share, how affected their partner was or how easily they have been able to restore normalcy. Everything counts. More often than not, we see that couples find a way to live together after an extramarital affair with almost the same level of love and intimacy. However what others think of a person who has cheated? Well, that is another matter! Cheaters are not looked at kindly and people never forget that they have transgressed even though their partners may have.
Why Do We Cheat On Someone We Love?
According to experts, people cheat even in happy relationships. Here are shocking things cheaters say when caught. They may be committed to their partners and to their families yet they cannot resist the temptation and end up transgressing. So it’s a myth to think people cheat only when there is a problem in the relationship or the person. Good, stable normal people cheat. Period. People cheat because:-
- They are bored and a new relationship makes them feel like a new person
- They cheat because monogamy is tough and is a societal construct, not a biological one
- They cheat sometimes because they are not happy in their current relationship and feel a lack of intimacy and sex
- Very often men cheat when their wives are pregnant
- People cheat to find a new ‘I’, it is often a quest for a new identity
- People cheat because the thrill of indiscretion and the work it takes to keep it a secret can be exhilarating like a forbidden fruit.
- People cheat because they have their own unresolved issues and maybe be consciously subconsciously following a pattern they have grown up with.
- Sometimes cheating is about taking revenge
- Sometimes people cheat because they want to end their current relationship
- Sometimes cheating is just about sex!
Whatever the reason for it, the fact of the matter is cheating hurts and destroys families and lives. The person who is cheated upon also takes the slack of the cheater.
8 Things Cheating Says About a Person
What does cheating say about a person? Generally, the act of cheating is seen as unforgivable especially when two people are in a committed relationship or a marriage. Leave them, relatives and friends often advice, it is a deal-breaker for many couples especially when there are no children involved. Because cheating does say things about a person and those things are not pleasant or happy. Some say yes it is a character flaw because they did something against what they promised. Another said a cheater is defined not just be the spouse but by her kids and parents, her friends and even his extended relatives. One wrote that it was perhaps a lapse of judgment and she couldn’t resist the temptation and feels as lost and confused, it did not mean that she was necessarily a terrible person. Another said that though cheating may not define a person but it definitely colours how the others see them. Their past actions are also seen through the prism of their transgression.
Here are a few things we have penned down on what we think cheating says about a person.
1. They lack decisiveness
‘Why can’t he simply choose between her and me so that I can move on’, she wrote to us. But he wanted not either/or but both. When served with an ultimatum he couldn’t decide what was more important. Being decisive and coming to concrete decisions require strong will power that these people lack. They cannot make up their mind on their choice of the individual as their partner. “It was just a ONE-time incident,” this is one of the very common things people say when they cheat and after their partner finds this out some way or the other. In most cases, cheating manifests in the form of physical intimacy with someone else outside the relationship. Of course, without the partner having any knowledge about it.
2. They are not mentally strong
Cheating also depicts this vital fact about an individual: they just are not mentally strong enough to remain loyal and committed to one individual in their life, who on the other hand, has placed enough trust on them to remain in their life as a faithful partner for so long.
One of the common excuses for cheating that cheaters make up is the emotional distance that has come between the two partners who are in the relationship. They might even start blaming the person on the other end that they were not attentive or caring enough. These are the excuses for cheating that they give, just to gain the upper hand in the situation. These people need to ask themselves, was it a lack of emotional intimacy, or simply a craving for attention that led to cheating in the first place? These people also normally do not follow through on promises and are adept at making excuses to wiggle out of commitments to employers, friends, family and partners alike.
3. They are pros at lying
Remember, a cheater will go to any extent to cover up their lies and they will not feel one bit of regret for lying, or for playing with your emotions. They will plan extensively beforehand, for backing up the lies that they tell you.
They will cancel plans and makeup with believable excuses like they have had a long hard day at work and that they feel extremely tired and want to rest in your arms, while they are aware of the fact that they are lying and have been with someone else all this while. They will do this when they have been away from you, perhaps after having cancelled plans of an outing with you. Here is a piece on how to deal with a lying husband.
And more often than not, the other person totally believes in their lies and it becomes too late before they can look at all the warning signs, which ironically have been there all this while but fiercely kept private and guarded by the cheater, to protect themselves. Do see the video on how to maintain your sanity when your partner is a compulsive liar.
4. They make impulsive decisions
Why do people cheat in relationships? Is it the high, the adrenaline rush that comes with the risk that one takes while cheating on their partner/spouse?
Some say it is the daring and impulsive choice that makes the cheaters feel like they are the most invincible people on the planet and they go about their way. They are completely oblivious as to how their actions would mentally and emotionally affect the other one in the relationship.
5. They are secretive
A cheater’s basic instinct is to keep every single minute detail of their personal life private and always keeping his privacy closely guarded. This is one of the most common things that cheaters say and do, simply because they do not want to get caught and leave any trails of their actions behind.
Hiding is a common part of almost every cheater’s behavioural pattern. Their phone behaviour is different, they are more likely to guard their phones. Their laptops will have impenetrable passwords. Mostly they will watch what they speak and you will see that they normally give fewer details about things. Many do not have much social media presence, or even if they do, there wouldn’t be many posts or activity. Here is a story from a wife who said that her husband connected with his ex and the relationship was spiraling out of control.
In addition to this, it is very normal for them to be carrying around two or more cellphones, each one with some intense privacy settings, passwords and private picture galleries. They just won’t let themselves get caught that easily.
6. They are always ready with excuses
A cheater always has excuses to put forward for their actions. One of the most common excuses for cheating that cheaters put up is that they were not physically and emotionally satisfied in the relationship, hence making a desperate attempt to justify their actions.
They might even say that it was a ‘one-time thing’ after their partner finds out about their actions and questions them. They never let themselves take full responsibility for their actions and instead try to put rose-coloured glasses on the other person’s eyes.
7. They are good at diverting
They always divert the topic of conversation to something else whenever they are questioned. Ever asked your partner about that office colleague (usually the opposite gender) who happens to be their close friend and get smug replies in return or a complete change in the topic of discussion.
Don’t be surprised if you find out that they have been consistently fooling around or getting cosy with their “friend” in and around the office. Changing the topic suddenly and drifting off suddenly to something completely different is one of the most common predictors.
8. Cheaters repeat the actions
Cheaters who have once broken your trust are very much likely to do the same by repeating their actions: Statistics scream, “Once a cheater, always a cheater”. Therefore, you must be wary when you give someone another chance in the relationship/marriage, especially when the person has cheated multiple times previously. You must be well-aware that you are taking a chance here yourself as well, for you stand the risk of getting badly hurt here if they cheat again.
Cheaters do change their ways, in a few cases, this has been witnessed. Here is a piece on what cheaters say about how they feel about themselves. They go back to being completely committed to their partner, be it physically, mentally or emotionally. In some cases, it has also been seen that the bond in the marriage becomes strong after cheating has happened, although a lot of work is put into this as well. Whether you choose to stick with them, or not, is completely up to you.