In Dr. Avani Tiwari’s words, “When a woman experiences an orgasm, there is a feeling of extreme well-rebeing and the vaginal muscles contract during this time and there is also an increased discharge.” However, women and orgasm do not go hand in hand. Unlike men, women do not reach a climax easily and there are many reasons why this happens. There are reasons why women can’t orgasm.
How does it feel to have an orgasm
Orgasm, as experienced by a woman, can be explained using the Masters and Johnson four-phase model.
During the process of stimulation, the blood vessels within the genitals of a woman dilate. This causes the vulva to swell up, which, in turn, allows fluid to pass through the vaginal walls. This makes the vulva wet and also the vagina expands. During this phase, the heartbeats increase. Also, the dilation of the blood vessels could make her look flushed.
After a point, the blood flow to the lower portion of the vagina reaches its limit post when it becomes firm. During this time the nipples lose a little bit of their erectness.
During this phase, the genital muscles go through contractions that are rhythmic. When a woman has an orgasm she could also ejaculate a liquid from her urethra. Orgasm experienced by a woman usually lasts longer than a man’s.
This is the last phase where the body comes back to its normal state and the breathing also slows down to a normal level.
Is it harder for women to orgasm?
If you are wondering “is it normal for a woman not to feel climax?” then the answer is yes. This happens due to a variety of reasons which have been enumerated below.
13 reasons why women find it hard to orgasm
Women often find it difficult to orgasm and are often clueless themselves about the reason behind that. We tell you why.
1. Too much of sitting in one place
Sitting around in one place for long hours is likely to affect your pelvic muscles adversely. Hence when the time for sex comes, there is so much pain that you are unable to have an orgasm. So, if you have a desk job then make sure that you are getting up and walking around after an interval of every couple of hours. Also practising exercises like squats and backbends will help you.
2. High heels
High heels might look good on you but too much of it could lead to deforming your psoas muscles located in the lower lumbar region. Since this has nerves that connect it with your genitalia it could mean that having an orgasm becomes tougher. This happens because the adversely affected nerves are then unable to transmit arousal messages that are needed to have an orgasm.
3. Lack of communication
Dr Avani Tiwari pointed out that another reason why women find it difficult to experience an orgasm is that in India women are traditionally passive partners.
If you don’t tell your partner what turns you on then how can you ever enjoy the beauty of an orgasm? He is not a mind reader!
If you are having difficulty reaching a climax then it could be dehydration – lack of water makes the vagina dry. This makes penetration painful. So, do have adequate water throughout the day so that the gliding in becomes easier and the parts of your vagina that arouse you can be reached. Remember this too – alcohol can be dehydrating!
5. You make no sound
Believe it or not, but if you stay too silent during sex then achieving an orgasm can become tough. Rather, express your pleasure through words or moans when you like a certain kind of movement or touch.
This will heighten your pleasure and help you to climax.
It could be that you find it tough to have an orgasm due to the medicines that you take. Usually, antidepressants or those taken for blood pressure make climaxing difficult.
7. Hormonal Issue
The hormone oxytocin is what helps a woman to have an orgasm. If that is low then it could be the reason why you find it difficult to have an orgasm. This usually happens due to stress. If you spend more time in foreplay then the oxytocin levels rise.
8. Full bladder
A full bladder makes it difficult to have an orgasm. So, before you get cosy with your partner please visit the washroom.
9. You get tense
If you start to feel tense with the thought of whether your partner is having a good time or not or when you would climax, then you might just lose the moment. You need to be freer in your mind and enjoy the moment.
10. Your partner does not turn you on
If your partner does not turn you on or he does things that you don’t enjoy then you will never look forward to having sex with him. This, quite naturally, will make having an orgasm next to impossible.
11. There is no foreplay
Some men want to go straight into penetrative sex.
Women, on the other hand, need more foreplay to get adequately turned on.
If this does not happen then the sex will not only be painful but also not an enjoyable one. This will make having an orgasm tough.
12. Other things distract you
While having sex, do you find yourself focussing more on that single strand of white hair that your partner has recently developed rather than on the act? Or do the flying curtains on the window catch your attention? If this is so, then it could be that your mind is distracted. You could try dimming the lights when you are enjoying yourself in bed with your man.
13. Too many positions
Experimenting with positions might be fun but too much of it might make you lose the moment. If both of you find a position that is satisfying then stick to it – the rhythm in that will give you a steady stimulation that will help you to orgasm.
How to feel more satisfied
Penetrative sex alone does not make a woman orgasm. It needs to be coupled with other things. Here is what is needed.
1. Clitoral stimulation
The clitoris is the spot that needs to be rubbed for a woman to enjoy a climax.
Even during penetrative sex, the man can use his hands to rub the clitoris or say, in the missionary position, the woman can keep her legs together while she moves the hips in a circular motion.
Dr. Avani Tiwari feels that longer foreplay and women taking a more active part during intercourse would help the woman have an orgasm.
3. Right ambiance
Switch off your phones, dim the light, light aroma candles, play soft music – all these will create the right kind of ambiance that is needed to enjoy your time with your partner.
4. Don’t be in a hurry
Instead of constantly thinking about whether you will achieve an orgasm or not, enjoy the entire process and don’t keep waiting for it to end. When you are relaxed you will be able to achieve your goal.
5. Express your wants
Don’t just focus on what your man likes. Tell him what you desire as well. When he knows he will be able to ‘work on you’ better.
6. Exercise before sex
A little bit of exercise before the act will go a long way in helping you to reach an orgasm. This is because exercise increases the amount of blood that flows into the intimate areas and thus will make you react to sexual arousal more intensely.
Some foods are said to cause heightened sexual arousal. So, next time you could try them. For example, oysters, nuts, or even red wine.
8. Explore yourself
Masturbate as this will help you to know your body better. So next time you are having sex with your partner you will know what you really want so as to get an orgasm.
9. Be a little naughty
Use toys, talk dirty, massage one another, have oral sex – being a little naughty will help keep the mood light and also will cause greater arousal.
Orgasm after menopause
After menopause, the vaginal tissue becomes thinner and also drier. Due to this having sex often becomes painful.
Also, after reaching menopause, women experience changes in their hormonal structure. Due to this, there is often a fall in the libido level.
Disinterest in sex makes orgasm after menopause tough. Some, however, feel that sensations are stronger post menopause primarily because at that age the fear of unwanted pregnancy is no longer there.
Climax medications for women
Dr. Avani Tiwari told us that various climax medications for women in the form of hormone treatment therapies exist that can help a woman have orgasms. One should, however, consult an expert doctor, and knowledge of the pros and cons before going ahead with such a treatment.
She also said that if a woman is experiencing other issues like anxiety and depression, then those should also be treated as they tend to interfere with her ability to have a climax.
Our thanks to Dr. Avani Tiwari, Senior Consultant Psychiatrist, Metro Hospital, Noida for her advice.