What my good friend Raksha doesn’t understand is that such writing can be potentially life threatening. Now it’s fine to endanger lives in jest, but when it is my life we are talking about, I happen to be concerned.
Let’s face it. Which man would risk being vocal about things he doesn’t like his wife doing, but then we are no ordinary couple. We are used to the good things in life and humour tops our list.
On that note of faint hope, I present my list of inclusions in preparation for harakiri.
Please do understand that these are actual first person conversations and are highly privileged; they are being reproduced here only in the greater interest of feeding the eternally high curiosity index of my women readers.
Procrastination!
I wonder why, for the simplest of tasks (that take anything from 47 seconds to 12 minutes) women have to overthink and then… inevitably put the task off till the next day.
For instance, if I tell the missus, “Can you please call the water tanker guy?” she will reply 5 minutes later with a “Yeah yeah, I will call them tomorrow!”
But let’s look at the reverse situation, when my wife tells me to do something:
“Can you pick up some stuff on the way home…”
“I’m getting off late today, is it OK if I do it tomorrow?” I ask…
“No, no, today. Finish it off please. It just takes a few minutes,” is her answer.
This doesn’t require higher learning skills or deep introspection.
Paradox of Fashion
Wife: Do you like this dress I’m wearing?
Me: Of course I do.
Wife: See, I knew it, you like only my old dresses and don’t even look at the new ones.
Next time around when the wife is wearing a new dress.
Me: Lovely dress yaar…
Wife: So you don’t like the way I looked in the past, did you?
The eternal tightrope that you walk. Compliment, and there is a quip with a rider. Don’t compliment and you can be sure you will get chided for not noticing. Amen!
Related reading: When a morning person marries a night owl
Decision Making
Wife: Accha, We need to buy new curtains.
Me: Sure, go ahead.
Wife: But then I’m not sure, why don’t you decide!
Me: Fine, let’s buy them.
Wife: You don’t even need my view nowadays, you decide everything on your own…
Que sera sera. Some things will never change. Heads you win, tails I lose.
Rumination
Wife: I was thinking… (followed by a long silence… nail biting suspense and many minutes later…) It’s ok, we will discuss it later.
Me: But tell me what was it that you were ruminating about.
Wife: No, it’s ok. You have had a long day. We will discuss it later.
Voila! You are left wondering if the said matter of deep rumination is important, critical or just trivia.
To be honest, several years later, I still don’t know each time!
Diet
Wife: I have decided. No more carbs, sweets and all that.
Me: Fine, done.
48 hours later…
Wife: You know, those days you always brought something for me, now you don’t even get me a bar of chocolate.
Me: But darling, you said you’re off sweets…
Wife: So, that doesn’t mean you can bring me something nice. I can always have a bit once in a while.
Same time next month…
Me: See what I got, your favourite ‘After Eight’.
Wife: You know I am on a diet and still bring all this home. You just don’t want me to look nice and slim any longer.
Ladies and gentleman, this is the irony of life. Just when you think you understood life, the missus springs a new one. C’est la vie!
I guess a great relationship is all about celebrating surprises and that we do relentlessly!
Published in Humour