A bride who has already had sex before is somehow considered worse than even a full-fledged zombie bride. Yes, we all know how much as a society we like to prize a virgin bride and revel in her purity like it was personal to us.
Being a virgin bride is almost an idea that is ingrained into women in their prime years. As if without that key piece of the puzzle, their life would just crumble. There is no nobility in being a virgin bride and years of sexual repression has constantly made us rethink otherwise. Let us delve deeper into saving virginity till marriage with this personal account of a well-meaning older woman discovering the ignorance of a bride-to-be about her own body and sexuality:
Saving Virginity Till Marriage
Forced virginity before marriage is some idea that just does sit well with modern love and education today. Our lack of sex education makes sex appear like this monstrous thing meant to wipe the innocence off of the faces of young ladies. Which is pretty ironic since it is practiced universally. Virginity should be a personal choice and not a norm.
OK, this is a shout-out to all the mothers out there who want to be best friends with their daughters. Particularly pointing it out to the mother of my colleague who is getting married in a month and who had to follow me discreetly to the loo, while shooting nervous stares at me. So, when I offered a sanitary pad to her, she just nervously giggled and said, “I wanted to talk to you.”
Stop worrying about your daughter being a virgin bride. There are far more things where she could use your intervention in her life. No sex until marriage or sex every day is a choice that she should make and not you.
No adult talk with mommy
And, talk she did. A lot. And after three coffees, I was the one who was holding my head thinking of this little 21-something, 46-kg weighing girl, and the empty canvas she was. Bereft of emotions, knowledge, and worse, any regard for her sexuality. Because she is best friends with her mummy, but, of course, can’t talk about the adult stuff with her (rolling eyes).
No idea about sexual intimacy
So, we sat in that cafeteria with her looking everywhere for any people who might overhear us, and a million questions on her face, none of which she could or would ask. But, she did after much cajoling.
Questions like, ‘Does it hurt?’, ‘When do you do it?’ or ‘How do you do it?’ don’t throw you that much, but questions like, ‘I read online, that love bites can kill you, is that true?’ make you snort the coffee and sprout the aforementioned beverage from your nostrils.
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And, while I laughed at first at the poor knowledge this girl had, I was soon disturbed by the fact that how unaware she was about her body and sexuality. What baffled me more was that she was willing to spend her life with a guy she had known hardly six months and be his perfect virgin bride.
Worst was the part where she confessed when her fiance had tried to kiss her and she had rejected him, simply because it was ‘disgusting’. Ew! I asked her what she would be doing about sex if she found even kissing repulsive.
She said, ‘Ho jata hai.’ It is crazy how as a society we have made our young women run away from ideas of pleasure and happiness. There are also many health benefits of kissing along with the sexual pleasure that it brings. Why have we taught women to shy away from it?
Does self-love exist?
I asked if she had any boyfriends and she went on saying that it’s such a bad thing to even touch a man. Well, that’s completely her choice, but she can touch herself, right? To this, she blinked her eyes. Touch? How? Where? There? Ew! Susu comes from there…
After I had picked my jaw that had fallen to the floor, I asked ‘Have you never felt wet down there? Haven’t you ever watched Titanic?’ ‘Yes but what about it?’ I tried explaining how the clitoris works, but she said that she was eating and would rather not listen, so I gave up telling her about orgasms.
She was just not ready
I told her you are not ready for marriage or for sex, forgetting the burden of all that responsibility. But, she went on sighing how we women have it so difficult that we have to go through periods and sex and child-bearing.
And, how when she exclaimed the same in front of her mother and grandmother, they said that didn’t they do it in their times. ‘What’s the big deal?’ This virgin bride was not going to know anything on her first night.
She has no idea about her body
Saving virginity until marriage had made her completely indifferent to her basic body needs and how it worked. The clitoris, the breasts, least of all, the vulva – she barely knows anything about them. She doesn’t know what things work for her and God knows if her guy would. If he doesn’t, then this girl is in for a long time of staring at the fan and wondering when the ordeal would be over.
Or about her sexuality
Damn, she doesn’t know how amazing the clitoris is! How does she even know if heterosexual sex would work for her? You are simply tying her to a guy with hopes of his satisfaction but none for her satisfaction. Because her satisfaction is just an add-on, not a requirement.
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What if they are not even compatible?
Saving virginity till marriage has no actual or visible benefits unless it is a choice one makes for one’s personal satisfaction. As a virgin bride, she has no education or even sense about her own body. Without experience or practice, what if she realizes they are not compatible?
Or the sex is painful, or something doesn’t work. Sex is just not for having kids. If you are in with a man for the next 30-40 years, sex should be the biggest criteria, I think. Having good sex is extremely important for a healthy married life and it takes a lot of understanding and communication to make it good.
There’s loads of information online
If you want no sex until marriage, that is fine. But you need some information for your first night as a virgin bride. Yes, I have heard of this logic everywhere – just look it up! That, read online or watch porn. There are so many ways. Remember, you can read incorrect information that may be over or understated.
Or watch people having intercourse with no soul in it making regular noises at regular intervals, with surgically enhanced body parts that do nothing for your ego. You don’t have to talk to a human being who has actually done it and might be there to emotionally support you. (Sarcasm, sarcasm!)
Talk to your daughter about sex and sexuality
Talk to your daughter and tell her these things. That kissing is not bad, sex is not bad, thinking about your climax is not bad. Being a virgin bride is not necessary and it is completely her choice. That sex is not repulsive, or abhorrent, or something that you don’t want her to even think about but expect her to be all-ready with a glass of milk when her husband walks into the room on the night after the wedding. Because you are not truly best friends with your daughters if your daughter has to go to a random colleague to ask about ‘If you can die from the bleeding in sex?’
Should you have sex before marriage? That is a personal decision. Everything has its pros and cons. Saving virginity till marriage is something that some people consider sacred and that is fine. Some people like to explore their options and understand their bodies before sex. Either way, our daughters need to know what they’re getting themselves into. Ignorance is not fair and will definitely harm them in the future. Moms, over to you!
Absolutely not. It is not necessary or important – just a way of life that depends on what you want. Don’t let anyone tell you that being a virgin bride is essential for your husband or your life.
It is not. Women are told this to appear sacred and pure for the man they will spend the rest of their lives with. But that is not important. What’s important is that you explore your body and your sexuality before making any major commitments.
It is more than okay. Being a virgin bride or not, makes no real difference to your marriage or you as a wife. In fact, a little practice just might be better for you.
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