Narcissism is one of the most difficult personality traits to deal with and arguing with a narcissistic husband the biggest challenge for his partner. Not only are narcissists abusive and difficult, but their personality modification also relies on them being extremely sure of themselves. Self-obsessed, they believe they are never wrong. This makes them closed to any introspection and self-criticism.
The last thing they want to hear from someone is that they might be wrong, or worse, in need of help. This eliminates all scopes of self-improvement for a narcissist. What is left is a partner always pushed to make adjustments. If you find yourself in a relationship with someone who never backs down in an argument, who never agrees to see your point of view, who never even comes halfway for a compromise with you, you have most probably been dealing with a narcissist.
Learning to cope with the exhausting needs of such a relationship would first require you to recognize that who you are dealing with is a narcissist. Which, in turn, will help you understand how they think and why they argue so much. It is possible to shield yourself from the wrath of a narcissist by prepping yourself with the right knowledge and tools to help you take control away from a narcissist.
Counselor Ridhi Golechha (Masters in Psychology), who specializes in counseling for loveless marriages, breakups and other relationship issues, spoke to us on this issue and offered her insights on how to recognize a narcissist, why are they the way they are, and what to keep in mind when you find yourself arguing with a narcissistic husband.
Why Do Narcissists Like To Argue?
Recognizing a narcissist, or recognizing narcissistic tendencies in your partner is the first step to self-preservation. Ridhi says, “A narcissist is a kind of person who is always in the mood of self-obsession and desires to seek attention and appreciation from the people around them, without showing any interest in feeling empathy towards the other person.”
She does clarify that while “it is human nature to be selfish and boastful to a certain degree, a narcissist definitely takes it up several notches”. Ridhi mentions several symptoms to make it easy for you to understand the pattern of a narcissist. When arguing with a narcissistic husband, watch out for these red flags.
She mentions broad patterns like “being overly boastful, exaggerating one’s achievements, pretending to be superior to others, looking down on others as inferior and a lack of empathy for others”, to more specific tendencies such as “monopolizing conversations, being impatient/angry/ unhappy/ depressed or showing mood swings when criticized.”
She says narcissists have very fragile self-esteem and get easily disappointed when expected importance is not given to them. This brings us to the more important question – why narcissists like to argue. Understanding these might help you look at the person objectively and understand a narcissist’s weak points or a narcissist’s argument tactics. This will allow you to take control away from a narcissist and learn to respond to a narcissist husband.
1. Their narcissistic behavior is out of their control
The behavior of a narcissist is literally out of their control. A narcissist in an argument fights with a concentrated energy, fixated only at the problem and their current emotions. This is one of the most important reasons why narcissists can’t maintain intimate relationships. They lack what is called object constancy or object permanence. Object constancy is the idea that something exists even when it cannot be seen or sensed by you. Humans, in the natural course of development, acquire this ability.
From a psychological point of view, what this means for a narcissist is that, unlike other people, they are not able to hold on to their general positive emotions about their relationship while feeling negative emotions such as hurt, anger or disappointment. Ridhi says, “If narcissists cannot sense love in the moment, they forget that it existed. Which means that every fight or every disagreement for them is a potential breakup.”
2. Their past could be a narcissist’s weak point
A narcissist may have a past that led them to develop these tendencies. Their toxic behavior could be a result of toxic surroundings that they had to endure in the past, possibly during their childhood. How you were raised affects relationships tremendously.
Ridhi says, “When the person has themselves been in a toxic relationship in the past or when they grew up in a toxic environment, they might have developed narcissistic tendencies to protect themselves. Or maybe even when the person has been over-pampered, over-cared and over-protected.” When you find yourself arguing with a narcissistic husband this knowledge might help you show them empathy.
3. They think they are always right
For a narcissist, every disagreement leads to an argument. Since they will not back down, always wanting to have the last word, never willing to compromise, every discussion is a ticking bomb waiting to go off.
A relationship between any two people can’t exist without any friction. And when one of those two people is this ill-equipped to come to an amicable middle ground, it is bound to lead to successive episodes of disappointment, frustration, abuse and victimization for the other partner. But if you are mindful of a few things when arguing with a narcissistic husband, you might actually be able to save yourself a lot of pain and agony.
Related Reading: 11 Signs Your Man Has Anger Issues
9 Things To Be Mindful Of When Arguing With A Narcissistic Husband
Now that we know who is a narcissist and understand a bit about what causes them to behave the way they do and why do you constantly find yourself in an argument with your narcissistic husband, there are several things Ridhi mentions that you can keep in mind when arguing with a narcissistic husband. These tools and techniques might be helpful to you to protect your own emotions and save your time and energy when handling a narcissist in an argument.
1. Manage your expectations or make a decision
The very first thing that Ridhi recommends is that you must realize that you have an option. She urges that you acknowledge that there’s a possibility that your husband is not going to change his behavior. “If you’re continuing to stay in the relationship only because you think that he is going to change, you could be setting yourself up for a lot of heartaches,” she says. It is imperative that it is stated first that you and only you know what you are going through.
You must take help in gauging the toxicity in your relationship and if it is worth all the effort you are going to put in. So, make a decision. If you decide to carry on a life with a narcissistic husband, the suggestions that follow might be helpful for you.
2. Establish clear boundaries
Ridhi puts a lot of emphasis on the need for boundaries for your mental well-being. She says, “Your husband is likely to want to take control of everything in the relationship. You need to think about how to set emotional boundaries in order to protect your mental health.”
She also shares several specific suggestions. For example, name-calling. “You could let your husband know that if he begins to call you names, the conversation will be over and that you will walk away,” she explains. Another example of a boundary could be prioritizing having alone time with your support network, friends and family. With a warning that “your husband may not like it when you spend time with friends”, Ridhi adds, “Isolation can be a form of emotional abuse and it’s important for you to have a strong support system in your life.”
Related Reading: 9 Expert Tips On How To Deal With A Narcissist Spouse
3. Don’t tell him he’s wrong when arguing with a narcissistic husband
A narcissist’s moral gauge to understand right and wrong is heavily askew. Since the personality rests on an exaggerated sense of self-importance and righteousness, a narcissist believes they are always right. Inevitably, it becomes pointless to tell them they are wrong.
When you argue with your narcissistic husband, you are essentially telling him that he is wrong. Ridhi says, “If you want to smooth things over when arguing with a narcissist husband, do not expect to defeat him by trying to make them realize who is to blame.” Instead, do what follows in the next point.
4. Use empathy as a tool when arguing with a narcissistic husband
Since narcissists thrive on attention, employing empathy when arguing with a narcissist husband can be a helpful strategy. Ridhi suggests, “Respond to a narcissist husband by telling him that you understand and empathize with how he feels.
“Additionally, instead of using You or I, use We. Narcissist blame-shifting is common, but they may react well if you use “we” language.” When your narcissist husband feels he is understood, his defense guard may drop for a moment and you might actually have a chance to be heard.
5. Do not take the bait when arguing with a narcissistic husband
“When arguing with a narcissistic husband, expect them to say provocative and abusive things because they are wired to do so,” Ridhi warns. If you get into an argument from a point of knowledge of what you might face, you tend to be less reactive and more in control.
This, of course, helps you protect your own emotions but it also gives your narcissist husband the impression that you are not distressed. This will either make him not indulge in the name-calling any further because it doesn’t seem to work or make him sense empathy from you. Either way, it helps quiet his chaotic nerves and gives you time to get out of the argument.
Related Reading: How To Stop Arguing In A Relationship – 11 Tips That REALLY Work!
6. Be aware of a narcissist’s argument tactics
Narcissists are skilled in employing techniques to win arguments and get what they want. This might even be doing it unintentionally since they are wired to act in self-preservation without empathizing with others. You might care about your husband deeply, but it is important to detach yourself from the relationship for a minute and see them as a subject. Do this and try to recognize the tactics they use to get to you.
These techniques could be any of – but not limited to – the following: stonewalling, gaslighting, deflection, emotional manipulation, narcissistic rage, projection, love bombing. A narcissist in an argument can use any if not all of these to their advantage. Take time out to study them so that you can recognize them. For example, gaslighting phrases that people use often. These red flags might facilitate taking control of the situation and help you in taking power away from a narcissist.
7. Prepare an automated response beforehand for an argument
Knowing that you have decided to live with a narcissist partner, prepare yourself through all means. The more prepared you are, the more power you hold over your own response. It even makes sense to have an automated response prepared in your mind. So that when you find yourself arguing with a narcissistic husband you have something you can use to put your feelings across and quietly walk out from the argument, taking power away from a narcissist, as well as letting out some your frustration so that you don’t stockpile resentment in marriage.
Something like: “I can see that you are upset. I think I understand how you feel. But your anger is also hurtful to me. I need to protect myself, so I am going to walk out right now. We can talk about it together when you are calm and can express yourself positively.”
Related Reading: Stay Calm During An Argument And Don’t Let Your Spouse’s BP Rise!
8. Do not doubt yourself
A narcissist’s nature is to draw out your empathic tendencies. Your kindness, tolerance and doting nature are what make them depend on you for their need for a regular supply of admiration, appreciation and love.
This is not to say that you must not give them your admiration and love but be cautious of losing your hold on your perception of your own emotions. While arguing with a narcissistic husband do not believe it when you are called “too sensitive” or “too emotional” or even selfish for caring about your needs. Be wary of similar things narcissists say in an argument. Don’t let yourself be manipulated or gaslit into doubting your instincts.
9. Choose your battles
Consider this: Is it worth arguing with a narcissist all the time? Living with a narcissist husband you might find yourself emotionally exhausted, in the midst of more than a normal amount of arguments. If a partner refuses to back down or compromise during disagreements, it is logically obvious that there are going to be many altercations between the two of you.
One way to guard yourself is to pick which battles to ignore and which ones to fight. To argue with a narcissistic husband is no mean feat. So, learn to recognize which arguments are unnecessary or simply trivial and save your energy and emotions for the ones that are more important for you and your relationship. When arguing with a narcissistic husband, use this choice to protect yourself from some of them.
Most of these points cater to adjusting to a narcissist’s needs. While it might seem unfair, this advice is meant for an individual who has decided to make these adjustments for reasons best known to them. To help you make such a decision, the personal advice of a counselor is unparalleled. Ridhi strongly suggests therapy if you’re married to a narcissist.
She says, “If you’ve been a victim of narcissistic abuse, you may have a hard time recognizing that the behaviors showing up in your marriage are not acceptable. Or, you may find yourself going back and forth from wondering if it’s a problem or if you’re just making a big deal out of nothing, to realizing that his behavior is harmful.” If you’re looking for help, skilled and experienced counselors on Bonobology’s panel are here for you.