Sex without adequate foreplay is no fun
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A close friend once said that she knew her husband wanted sex when he started brushing his teeth, so she would pretend that she was already asleep. Sex without adequate foreplay can be boring, tedious and intimidating!
Some Catholic institutions insist on counselling for couples, before the wedding, but they too do not touch upon the nitty gritties of foreplay. Parents believe that their children will follow their own learning curve.
However, a lot of students, especially those intent on marriage, have reached out and asked if I could share some tips on how to make love. Of course, there is passion and the heat of the moment sex; they rarely satisfy the woman. Men have a very clear-cut, straightforward approach to sex, and thereby achieve their need for love. You can see this even in cats – the male tomcat watches stolidly from a short distance, while the female embarks upon an elaborate dance sequence on the lines of an item number.
Here are some fine points to remember while wooing your woman. I have a disclaimer here, that there are those with cave-women instincts who like to be dragged by the hair into the lair! For those into the finer aspects of foreplay – here are some:
1. When rough is not OK
As a new bride my cousin was expecting sweet nothings and tenderness, instead her husband harshly told her to spread her legs and what followed scarred her for life. Remember your woman is a goddess; treat her with respect and kindness.
2. Finesse matters
Flowers – most women love the idea of receiving flowers, it may be a social or cultural construct, but flowers somehow mean you are appealing to her finer instincts. I used to love it when my husband got me a string of fresh jasmine buds that would bloom as the night proceeded, and spread the most heavenly fragrance. It just did something for me.
3. Fire-up the senses
You can always tease the sense of touch and taste, with, wine and chocolates or arrange for a private candle-lit meal in your own house. These are painstakingly labour oriented and you cannot outsource this activity, as you know, she must see and feel your intent and integrity.
4. Footloose and fancy
Then, for the ones with expendable income there is jewellery, perfumes, shoes, clothes etc., however you need to know your woman, and her material index. For others, one tender look, a nudge on the shoulder, or a favorite song under a full moon, will be more than enough. For still others the words “let’s hit it” or “just ride me” or some other shady code word, works like magic.
5. When crass is sexy
One of my lovers would sit in the corner at one end of the classroom and stick out a bit of his tongue from the corner of his mustachioed upper lip – to suggest that we should shack up that night. It would send shivers down my spine, of excitement and anticipation. My kids think that was gross and predatory!
6. Get into the mood
These I would think are the prelude to the physical foreplay. Women like their men to be macho and gentle at the same time. A bit of a paradox, but not difficult to achieve. So the touch has to be firm and sure but not painful. And like good cooking add mindful, thoughtful spices, like poetry or sweet nothings.
7. Know thy partner
It all depends on how well you know your woman and how well you communicate. The element of surprise always works. Creativity has no limits when you are initiating sex. Some props wok wonders like the waterworks, bubbles in a bathtub or a Jacuzzi, chocolate syrup, butter, sweet-scented massage oils, candles to set the mood; the list is endless.
8. Women, take the lead
For most men – a willing woman who takes the initiative to please her man is enough to fuel his creativity in foreplay. I remember my Urdu speaking lover would murmur “jaanu” while he ran his finger through my hair, which was enough to get me going, full steam ahead.
9. Oral pleasure is a must
I read my first book on the said subject at 18, from a slim book off the footpath at Lakdi Pul in Pune. The Internet is a huge source of information and women and men alike can benefit. Both cunnilingus and fellatio take a lot of practice and diligence for both sexes. Talk, test, explore, innovate and enjoy.
Explore your own bodies and find your erogenous zones. The cardinal rule is – if you don’t know what turns you on, no one can. You have just this one life and one body, make the most of it; make it work for you!