So, it has happened once again, hasn’t it? After all those years of floating single, dodging the flirts, and surviving previous heartbreaks, you finally found the love of your life! However, there was a huge risk involved. The man you loved was someone else’s husband. But you fought every odd and plunged straight into his arms. So, what if he was a married man? He promised, no wait, vowed that he would leave his wife for you. After all, there was no point in saving a marriage that was already dead. You put your trust in him.
And lo! Here you are at 3:00 am in the morning, wetting your pillows, fighting the pain of letting go while secretly wishing for him to come back. There is no end to your introspection session – Why did he choose his wife? How could you fall for his sweet lies and empty promises? How could he use you, then crumple and dump you like a waste tissue? Above all, how did you let this happen to your own heart and body?
Sweetheart, you ought to know three things about married men: They are never sure. They never want to get caught. And in the end, they never leave their wives (especially when she plays a significant role in fattening his bank account).
You should know that when it comes to dating married men, the huge risk is not their marital status, but the social importance put on the institution of marriage. It is difficult for both men and women to wriggle out of a bad marriage when factors like kids, finance, professional future, and social standing are considered. Also, a man has much to lose in the harrowing process of divorce. Not to mention, if found guilty of infidelity he can be legally punished.
So, what has happened, has happened. There is no point in turning yourself into a zombie trying to reason it out. Karma is a bitch, and she’ll pay him a visit.
Meanwhile, why don’t you wipe those tears off, grab that big tub of ice cream and pull your shoulders up? Remember how you fought against every odd to be with the man you loved? You must summon the same strength to get over that same man who dumped you.
Related reading: 18 complications of having an affair with a married man
12 tips to get over a married man who dumped you
“The only person that deserves a special place in your life is someone that never made you feel like you were an option in theirs.”
― Shannon L. Alder
In case you’re wondering how you’re going to survive the heartbreak, trust me, you will. And the following 12 tips are the answer to your ‘how’:
- Flush the sorry: Stop feeling sorry that you loved him. Stop being sorry for yourself. Stop feeling sorry that it didn’t work out. The first step is always to forgive yourself and to take responsibility for your actions. Only then can you move ahead
- Burn all the memories: Selfies, love notes, cards, jewellery, text messages – burn them all. It’s fair to say that if you want a fresh start, you got to wipe the slate clean
- Talk to someone: Being cooped up inside your emotional barriers will only intensify the loneliness. Go out, hang out with your friends. Talk to them. And if nothing works out, pour your heart out into your journal
- Unleash the inner angry goddess: Hate messages, emails, abuse on the telephone? Scream your lungs out at him. It will cleanse all the toxic remnants of the heartbreak
- And then, block him: There’s a good chance that he might try to renew the affair. Take a deep breath, and ask the question – “If he really loved me, then why did he leave in the first place?” If you do give him a second chance, it will always be at the cost of the second chance at happiness you owed yourself
- Pack your bags: And leave. It’s time to visit that old friend whom you dearly missed, or maybe your dream hill station? What about dropping home to visit your family? These are the people who remind you what true love feels like. Also, travelling makes you realise you’re missing so much in life
- Shopping: the magic word. There is no heartache that a nice day of shopping can’t heal. Nothing more to be said
- Groom yourself: Read books, watch feel-good movies, join your favourite clubs, treat yourself to a spa, take some online courses or join a fitness gym. Make time to date yourself, you’ll fall in love for sure
- Pick a new hobby: Dance class. Pottery. Calligraphy. Doodling. Personal website. There are endless options out there. Pick a new hobby and stick to it. It will help you channel your heartbreak into a positive output
- Own a pet: At this point, if you’re unsure about any kind of therapy, then get a pet. Build a loving relationship with your pet. Soon, all the murkiness about love and relationship will be erased. You’ll once again find yourself capable of loving and healing
- Date single men: How long will you keep yourself satisfied by the hours of a married man’s life? Don’t you want him all to yourself? So, take your time to heal before dating. And whenever you’re ready, go for someone who’ll devote his love and life to you and only you
- Never play the vengeance card: Vengeance is a primal human feeling, fuelled by hatred. But it never yields anything good. If you ever loved him and cared for him, then you wouldn’t stoop that low. It will forever taint your memory. Like we said earlier, leave it to karma
Moving on is a tough path. But hey, once you start walking, it will get easier. One day when you’ll turn back, you’ll see how far you’ve reached in loving yourself.
Moving ahead, and NOT wondering if he will come back
All of us who have been heartbroken or jilted at some point in our lives would agree that sometimes, what makes moving on more difficult is the hope that a married man would ditch his wife and return to us.
Related reading: 20 fun things to do after a breakup!
It’s a fight you must win. Here’s why:
- Choose a favourite corner of your room, take a deep breath, and ask yourself some serious questions. What does being in a relationship mean to you? What is ‘your’ definition of a perfect love life? If you feel that what you had with him wasn’t enough and that you always needed more, then stop wishing for him to return. Whatever your ideal love life looks like, a married man can never make it real
- Honey, you’ll always be the ‘other woman’, no matter how much you puff your cheeks. Your lover is emotionally and legally bound to someone else. As his wife, she’ll always enjoy the rights and privileges that you’ll never get. You’ll always remain the anonymous woman behind the curtains
- You owe yourself a chance at a normal relationship – one that isn’t full of deceits and pretentions.
Don’t you wish to be with a man who can hold your hands in public without thinking twice? A person not living dual lives. Someone whom you can happily claim to be yours. No more waiting for brief hours. No more burning in jealousy, only the pure bliss of togetherness - You might hate to swallow this bitter fact, but a person who cheated on his wife for you can cheat on you for someone else. Do you still want him back?
- Now that you know what your perfect love life should be, put yourself in the shoes of his wife. She must be someone like you with her own set of expectations and dreams and hopes. Inadvertently, you played a role in destroying her happiness. So, if someday, God forbid, if your husband/lover cheats on you, will you deal with it calmly?
Having these insights will help you develop a sense of empathy and compassion. You’ll start seeing the bigger picture. And why it is always a better option to walk out than invite the same into your life twice.
It’s okay if love didn’t happen with this man, that doesn’t mean that it will not happen at all. Just keep your mind broad, and your heart broader.
Questions to ask yourself when you’re falling for a married man
Published in Relationships 101