‘I am having an affair with a married man and I am messed up! It was casual, to begin with, he was suave, understanding and pampered me a lot more than my immature ex. We have been together for 11 months and I have gotten very attached to him. I go through cycles of feeling content with him to wanting more than just being the other woman. It is ruining my life. Needless to say, though he says he loves me, he cannot leave his family. I am going crazy. Please help.’ We get emails seeking help like these in tons.
Married men are very attractive, they are more experienced, generally more sorted, financially stable and know how to handle the fairer sex. In most ways, they are better than the floaters’ single men around. But you need to pause and think before you head into an affair with a married man.
You may be happy with the freedom this relationship gives you now, but you will most certainly want more later and the man will most probably not be able to give it to you. Married men have their wife, family, commitments – should you complicate your life by becoming involved with one?
Why Do Married Men Have Affairs?
Married men can have affairs because of myriad reasons. They are bored, the romance has faded, sex is not as exciting. Or perhaps, the everyday stress of running a home and managing children and ageing parents get too overwhelming. Both spouses are strapped for time. They do not have the energy or the time to make each other feel special. Then comes another woman, fresh and charming and giving him the attention he has not experienced in a long time. He feels some stirrings within. In most cases, an affair for a man has nothing to do with loving or not loving their spouse. It is just about trying to recapture that feeling of romance and passionate sex.
In short, it can be said that married men use the affair as a medium to fulfil their unfulfilled desires and wishes.
So an affair with a married man might be because of his selfish interest which could mean a lot of unnecessary complications for you.
Why Does A Woman Get Into An Affair With A Married Man?
When a woman has an affair with a married man it is mostly because he seems like a complete package. Besides, the sneaking around adds thrill to the romance. Sometimes the fact that they have a gorgeous wife, makes them seem incredibly attractive.
A married man knows that a woman spends time in grooming and he is appreciative of that. He will notice and compliment her well-done nails, her new hair-style and will probably flood her with gifts to make up for his married status.
Experts feel that sometimes women who lack emotional support in their lives and crave attention can fall into this trap without thinking of complications of an affair with a married man. Some women might also get involved with married men because they do not want commitment or accountability.
For some, such an affair boosts the sense of self and confidence. The fact that they can attract a man who is already in a committed relationship gives a high of a different kind.
18 Complications of Affair With A Married Man
An affair with a married man may seem adventurous and harmless. However, in the long run, it only leads to heartache, repentance, and ultimately, either a failed marriage or a failed relationship. The betrayal of the marital vow is never taken lightly either by the wife, her family or even your friends.
Even though both the people equally responsible for the affair, the onus comes on the other woman for ‘trying to break a family’ and ruining relationships. Let us go through 18 complications of having an affair with a married man, this may make you take a long and hard look at what could this end up as:
1. He will never be available for you
As a man who has a wife and a family, he will spend most of his free time with them. You will be an hour squeezed here or a text message there. You will never be his priority. On holidays and vacations, he will completely disappear from your life, not even available on text, for ‘what if she read them’.
So when your entire circle is with their loved ones you will be alone cursing the time you got involved with him. Remember he will only make time when he wants to meet you and not the other way round. This is one of the many unpleasant consequences of dating a married man. Ask yourself, do you really want to be an afterthought in someone’s mind space?
2. You cannot make him meet your family and friends
Even if he is the love of your life, you cannot celebrate the relationship with either your family or your friends. How will you introduce him to your mother or father, to your younger sister or brother? What will you say?
Even if you succeed in convincing your parents for him, do you think he will be comfortable meeting them? Probably not. This relationship will be doomed to be between the four walls of a hotel room or your apartment. Consider this when you’re tempted to have an affair with a married man.
If you’re already dating one, these suggestions on how to get over him may help.
3. Even he will not introduce you to his friends or relatives
Forget about him making you meet his friends or relatives, he probably won’t even want you to be his friend on social media. He will refrain from commenting on or liking your posts or tweets and want you to do the same. You are the ‘other woman’ in his life, and he will keep your relationship under wraps.
You will not be able to enjoy a movie in a popular theatre or enjoy fancy dinner dates in restaurants his friends and family go to. His image will be more important than your feelings, it will feel like he is ashamed to be seen with you in public. The truth is he perhaps scared and ashamed of being with you.
Always sneaking around and being hidden like a dirty secret is one of the most heartbreaking consequences of dating a married man.
4. You will never be introduced as his girlfriend or lover
One of the dangers of dating a married man is being spotted together by someone either of you knows. If that happens, won’t hesitate in passing you off as an acquaintance. Then he will be nervous and lose all interest in the date. His mind will be on how to control the damage the ‘accident’ has caused. Love yourself enough to say no to this.
You will be introduced as his friend, colleague, cousin or someone else. This can be really disheartening. You will feel miserable and he will hardly notice. For him, covering up would be a priority.
5. You will have to share him with another woman
He may tell you that he loves you and would much rather spend his life with you but he has kids and responsibilities. That he is with his wife just for the kids is the oldest excuse in the cheaters’ playbook. He may even swear that they hardly have any physical relationship. But these are white lies.
She is his wife and in all probability, they are intimate physically and emotionally. His wife will always be his priority and he will always choose her over you. You will be sharing him but as a second choice. No matter how painful this sounds, those are the consequences of dating a married man. And if he gifts you a dress or a perfume don’t be surprised if he tells you he got the same for his wife.
6. He will never seriously commit to the relationship
Rarely does an affair with a married man lead to him giving up his wife and family for the other woman? Even if he makes promises that he will tell his wife and move out, he will keep pushing the date. If you view his behaviour dispassionately, you will be able to see through the lies.
‘My wife is going through a death in the family this is not a good time.’ ‘I have too much stress at work, I cannot deal with this now.’ ‘My mother is not keeping well, I cannot do this to her now’. There will always be excuses. Even if he wants to be with you genuinely, remember there are important things at stake and alimony laws are tough.
Besides if he has broken the trust of the mother of his children what is the guarantee he will not do the same to you? Think about these risks of dating a married man before you get sucked in too deep into this messy situation.
7. Hiding your relationship will become exhausting
The idea of keeping the relationship a secret for a few days or months is still manageable, meeting at your apartment or a hotel room may be thrilling at first, but after a point, you will get frustrated! The constant lies and secrecy, his last moment cancellations because he has had a family emergency, you have to duck down at a crossing because someone in the next car knows him, will be tougher to deal with day in and day out. You are single, he is the one with the ring on his finger, but you will be the one doing the hiding act more and it will get to your nerves. You will start questioning your place in his life. This emotional affair will drain you.
He will never be comfortable with you at a restaurant or a coffee shop lest he gets spotted. But a weekend away in a resort where no one will know him will be okay.
8. You will be blamed for destroying his home
Society will see you as the one ‘breaking a home’, even if he was the one who persuaded you to be with him. You will see it in other’s eyes and their demeaning attitude with you. This will hurt tremendously, it will feel almost feel like an attack on your self-esteem.
Over time, this will get to you too. Whether you accept it or not you are in some sense an accomplice in breaking up a home. You have played your part in this man lying to his wife. For this, you will question your sense of morality sooner or later.
You will be equally responsible, because he is betraying his wife and disappointing his children just to stay with you.
9. You will have to be ready to face the world
As and when people get to know about your affair with a married man, you will have to be ready to face an ugly world. We had a case where even after the man divorced his wife and married her, she was not accepted in his friend circle or relatives. He could visit them, but without her. ‘That hurt like hell’, she wrote to us.
Another woman wrote about how she got hate messages from her lover’s children and twice they appeared in public places and ran her down. Another woman wrote about how even the domestic staff at this house refused to give her respect after she had moved in.
The complications of an affair with a married man can become unbearably nasty once the relationship is out in the open. Taking steps to legalize it doesn’t make the couple immune to societal ridicule. And the woman gets the bigger chunk of it. Many women in such relationships are forced to move cities and start afresh after an affair with a married man.
10. You will feel lonely and depressed most of the time
One of the risks of dating a married man is an all-consuming sense of loneliness. He will never be by your side, whether in your good times or bad. You will begin to see the unfairness of the situation sooner or later. This can take a toll on your mental well-being.
Think about it, you will be the one making sacrifices while he will be the one enjoying it all. He has an exciting romance and sex with you, and the comfort of his wife’s arms at home. He respects her because she is the one taking care of their kids and his parents.
While you spend your weekends lonely and trying to pass time with Netflix, he may be at a movie hall enjoying a rom-com with his family. Eventually, this realization will make you feel depressed because it is brought by your own doing. A woman wrote to us wondering if her married lover was with her just for money and sex. Be ready to face such doubts too!
11. You will have endless guilt trips
Though you both mutually build a relationship with each other, you will be the one who will keep having guilt trips. Why? Simply because you are with a man who is already in a committed relationship. On some level, you will think about how you are hurting his wife.
You feel bad for her, and sometimes for yourself. Besides, be sure that if the affair ever gets exposed you will be the one taking the fall for it. He will make it seems as if you came on to him. His wife and the world will believe him over you.
12. You will have major trust issues
As a partner of a married man, you will never be truly happy in your relationship. You will remain suspicious of his intentions. If he dared to break the trust of his wife then he can break your trust quite easily. This thought will haunt you. We received a story from a woman who spoke about how the constantly lying from her affair partner gave her deep trust issues.
Even after promising her he would leave his wife, he never did and she carried that into the next relationship with a single man and then the next one. She found it difficult to take what the other men said on face value. As a result, she could not maintain a healthy relationship that could lead to a more permanent partnership or marriage.
13. You will miss your opportunity to meet the right man
Time is precious, and one of the dangers of dating a married man is that you let time slip through your fingers. You will end up wasting the beautiful phase of youth wishing for something that was never going to happen. And with it, the chance of being a priority for the man as he is to you.
An affair with a married man will cost you that ring on your finger, someone to wake up with every morning or share a home with. Just because you are stuck with a married man, you will miss the opportunity to meet the right man.
You will spend some crucial years of your life waiting for the man to make you his priority and this might never happen.
14. Your relationship will be criticized by all
No one will approve of your affair with a married man, not even your family. You may have a thousand good qualities. You are kind and helpful, you are smart and a great money manager or a fabulous cook. But all your good deeds and qualities will pale in from of this one act of your life. All you will hear is criticism and maybe even see pity. That will hurt you and make you miserable.
15. He will not support you when there is any problem
One of the core characteristics of a man who cheats on his wife is that he is unable to tackle difficult situations. Something that he thought was missing in his marriage he sought in relationship with you. In a sense, he took the shortcut rather than work through the problems in his marriage.
A married man will have his family, work, his parents and a host of other responsibilities, do you think he will take your problems too on his head? Plus he sees you as a person that helps him escape from the grim reality. If you start sharing your dark side, he will run away before you realize it. This is the reason why extramarital affairs break the moment the other woman starts acting like his wife!
16. Imagine a time when he is no longer interested in what you offer him
What if the relationship runs its course. It is one of the risks of dating a married man you cannot ignore. The excitement, the romance will become routine after a while. You have no legal claim and you the two of you do not share committed goals – children, home, etc. What if you lose his respect over some matter? How difficult you think it will be for him to cut you off from his life?
He would stop getting you those expensive gifts because he does not need to impress you anymore, he wouldn’t gift you an LBD and tell you to wear it for him. You will be left grappling with your own emotions.
17. You will never be able to put forth your opinions
When you have an affair with a married man, the power in the relationship will always rest with him. If you mistreat him or disrespect his wishes, then he will threaten to leave you. He knows that you have no one except him in your life. So he will continue to use that against you.
Since he is less invested in the relationship, he has no reason to take your opinions, demands or expectations seriously. Essentially you are an extra in his life, this may sound rude, but it is the truth. If you do decide to break-away from your affair with the married man here are some tips to help you get through the affair withdrawals.
18. There will be two set rules, one for him and another for you
Any issue he faces in his married life will be shared with you. In the beginning, you may feel happy that he is sharing things, but you will soon see this is a one-way street.
Remember the times you complained to him about your ex, he would get irritated. So there will be two sets of rules in this relationship, one for him and one for you. This may leave you feeling like your entire purpose is to please him,
Consequences Of Dating A Married Man
When you are involved with a married man, the consequences can be heartbreaking. You will be a temporary person in his life and will eventually end up feeling alone, neglected and used. Emotional dramas, the married man blaming you for the affair, his wife threatening to teach you a lesson, your family and friends feeling ashamed of you – all these are damaging consequences of dating a married man. In short, an affair with a married man is a recipe for disaster.
Another thing that you will get used to but will miss immensely when the affair is over, that’s the luxe life. In order to pamper you he always got you expensive dresses, bags, shoes and accessories. He got you the best wine, organic groceries, did up your home with you and you zipped around town in his expensive car.
You have to be emotionally strong to say no or end the affair to end it once and for all. It will not be easy but if you hand in there, things will start looking up eventually. Once you have created the space, someone else will show up to occupy it. You will find the one who wants you as much as you want him! You have the right to a happy and healthy relationship, go ahead and seek it.