‘I am having an affair with a married man and I am messed up! It was casual, to begin with, he was suave, understanding and pampered me a lot more than my immature ex. It has been 11 months into the relationship and I have gotten very attached to him. I go through cycles of feeling very content with him, to wanting more than just being the other woman and it is ruining my life. Needless to say, he, though says he loves me cannot leave his family. I am going crazy. Please help.’ We get emails seeking help like these in tons.
Married men are very attractive, they are more experienced, generally more sorted, financially stable and know how to handle the fairer sex. In most ways, they are better than the floaters’ single men around. But you need to pause and think before you head into an affair with a married man, you may be happy with the freedom this relationship gives you now, but you will most certainly want more later and the man will most probably not be able to give it to you. Married men have their wife, family, commitments – should you complicate your life by becoming involved with one? If you are looking for a serious, long-lasting relationship then you must stay away from the married man you are attracted to.
Why do married men have affairs?
Married men get drawn into an affair because of myriad reasons. They are bored, the romance has faded, sex is not as exciting, the everyday stress of running a home and managing children and aging parents together adds the extra stress. They are strapped for time, add to that the stress of their jobs and that they do not have the energy or the time to make each other feel special. Then comes another woman, fresh and charming and giving him the attention he has not experienced in a long time and he feels some stirrings within. In most cases, an affair for a man has nothing to do with loving or not loving their spouse. It is just about trying to recapture that feeling of romance and passionate sex.
In short, it can be said that married men use the affair as a medium to fulfill their unfulfilled desires and wishes.
So an affair with a married man might be because of his selfish interest which could mean a lot of unnecessary complications for you.
Why do women get attracted to married men?
Women find married men a complete package, to begin with, plus sneaking around adds to the thrill. Sometimes the fact that they have a gorgeous wife, makes them seem incredibly attractive, almost like a mate-poaching thing. And then the married man knows that a woman spends time in grooming and he is appreciative of that, he will notice and compliment her well-done nails, her new hair-style and will probably flood her with gifts to make up for his married status.
Experts feel that sometimes women who lack emotional support in their lives and crave attention married men seem an easy go-to kind of people. Some women might also get involved with married men because they do not want commitment or accountability. For some, an affair boosts their sense of self and confidence that they can attract a man who was already in a committed relationship. And men, of course, enjoy the attention of a woman and maybe the underlying thought that they are attractive and still worth being pursued. both are attracted to the other for completely different reasons and when they match each other’s flirtations, the affair begins.
18 complications of dating a married man
Being in a relationship with a married man may seem adventurous and harmless, however, in the long run, it can only lead to heartache, repentance, and ultimately either a failed marriage or a failed relationship. The betrayal of the marital vow is never taken lightly either by the wife, her family or even your friends. And even though both the people in the affair are equally responsible somehow the onus comes on the other woman for ‘trying to break a family’! Here is a piece we got when the wife discovered her husband’s affair because of a text she saw. Let us go through 18 complications of having an affair with a married man, this may make you take a long and hard look at what could this end up as. Here are the complications that women face by having an affair with a married man.
1. He will never be available for you
As a man who has a wife and a family, he will spend most of his free time with them. You will be an hour squeezed here or a text message there. You will never be his priority. On holidays and vacations, he will completely disappear from your life, not even available on text, for ‘what if she read them’. So when your entire circle is with their loved ones you will be alone cursing the time you got involved with him. Remember he will only make time when he wants to meet you and not the other way round. Here is a list of questions you can ask yourself if you are falling for a married man.
2. You cannot make him meet your family and friends
Even if he is the love of your life, you cannot celebrate the relationship with either your family or your friends. How will you introduce him to your mother or father, to your younger sister or brother? What will you say? Even if you succeed in convincing your parents for him, do you think he will be comfortable meeting them? Probably not. This relationship will be doomed to be between the four walls of a hotel room or your apartment. Here’s is a video for ways you can get over your attraction towards a married man. If this helps you we will feel happy.
3. Even he will not introduce you to his friends or relatives
Forget about him making you meet his friends or relatives, the ones who get him, he will probably not even encourage you to be his friend on social media. He will refrain from commenting or liking his posts or tweets. You are the ‘other woman’ in his life, and he will keep your relationship under wraps. You will not be able to enjoy a movie in a popular theatre (at the most maybe he will eke out a sleazy afternoon weekday show if you force too much) or enjoy fancy dinner dates in restaurants his friends and family go to. His image will be more important than your feelings, it will feel like he is ashamed to be seen with you in public, the true answer is perhaps he is scared and ashamed both. Check if he is into the relationship because of a mid-life crisis?
4. You will never be introduced as his girlfriend or lover
If by chance someone spots the two of you together his face will lose colour. He will be cook up some silly relationship and pass you off as an acquaintance. And then he will be nervous and would lose all interest in the date. His mind will be on how to control the damage the ‘accident’ has caused. Love yourself enough to say no to this.
You will be introduced as his friend, colleague, cousin or someone else, and this can be really disheartening for you.
You will feel miserable and he will hardly notice. For him, covering up would be a pritority.
5. You will have to share him with another woman
He may tell you that he loves you and would much rather spend his life with you, but he has kids and he is helpless. That he is with his wife just for the kids, he may even swear that they hardly have any physical relationship, but take it from us that those are lies. She is his wife and in all probability, they are intimate and emotionally close to. His wife will always be his priority and he will be available to her over you. You will be sharing him but as a second choice. No matter how painful this seems, you will have to accept and make peace with this situation. Read this piece that came from an ‘other woman’ addressed to her lover’s wife.
6. He will never seriously commit to the relationship
Rarely will you find a married man giving up his married life just to be with his affair partner? So even if he makes promises that he will tell his wife and move out, he will keep pushing the date. If you keep your feelings aside and can view him dispassionately you will be able to see through the lies. There will be excuses- ‘My wife is going through a death in the family this is not a good time’, ‘I have too much stress at work, I cannot deal with this now’, ‘My mother is not keeping well, I cannot do this to her now’. There will always be excuses. Even if he wants to be with you genuinely, remember there are important things at stake and alimony laws are tough. Besides if he has broken the trust of the mother of his children what is the guarantee he will not do the same to you? Think a dozen times before having an affair with a married man.
7. Hiding your relationship will become exhausting
The idea of keeping the relationship a secret for a few days or months is still manageable, meeting at your apartment or a hotel room may be thrilling at first, but after a point, you will get frustrated! The constant lies and secrecy, his last moment cancellations because he has had a family emergency, you have to duck down at a crossing because someone in the next car knows him, will be tougher to deal with day in and day out. You are single, he is the one with the ring on his finger, but you will be the one doing the hiding act more and it will get to your nerves. You will start questioning your place in his life. This emotional affair will drain you.
8. You will become an accomplice in destroying his home
Society will see you as the one ‘breaking a home’, even if he was the one who persuaded you to be with him. You will see it in other’s eyes and their demeaning attitude with you. This will hurt tremendously, it will feel almost feel like an attack on your self-esteem. In time this will get to you too. Whether you accept it or not you are in some sense an accomplice in breaking up a home, you have played your part in this man lying to his wife and you will question your sense of morality sooner or later.
You will be equally responsible, because he is betraying his wife and disappointing his children just to stay with you.
9. You will have to be ready to face the world
As and when people get to know about your affair with a married man, you will have to be ready to face an ‘unpretty’ world. We had a case where even after the man divorced his wife and married her, she was not accepted in his friend circle or relatives. He could visit them, but without her. ‘That hurt like hell’, she wrote to us. Another woman wrote about how she got hate messages from her lover’s children and twice they appeared in public places and ran her down. Another woman wrote about how even the domestic staff at this house refused to give her respect after she had moved in. Coming out in the open with the affair and taking steps to legalize it doesn’t make the couple immune to societal ridicule. And the woman gets the bigger chunk of it. Many women in such relationships are forced to move cities and start afresh after an affair with a married man.
10. You will feel lonely and depressed most of the time
A relationship with a married man means that most of the time, you will feel lonely and depressed. He will never be by your side, whether in your good times or bad. Besides, you will begin to see the unfairness of the whole situation and thee raw deal you have cut yourself out. Think about it, you will be the one making sacrifices while he will be the one enjoying it all. He has exciting romance and sex with you and the comfort of his wife’s arms at home and he respects her because she is the one taking care of their kids and his parents. While you spend your weekends lonely and trying to pass time with Netflix, he may be at a movie hall enjoying a rom-com with his family. Eventually, this realization will make you feel depressed because it is brought by your own doing. A woman wrote to us wondering if her married lover was with her just for money and sex. Be ready to face such doubts too!
11. You will keep having guilt trips
Though you both mutually build a relationship with each other, you will be the one who will keep having guilt trips. Why? – simply because you are with a man who is already in a committed relationship and you will keep thinking about how you are hurting his wife. As a woman, you will keep going through major mood swings and feel bad for her, and sometimes for yourself. Besides, be sure that if the affair ever gets exposed you will be the one taking the fall for it. He will make it seems as if you came on to him and his wife and the world will believe him over you.
12. You will have major trust issues with him
As an affair partner of a married man, you will never be happy in your relationship, because you will remain suspicious of his intentions. If he dared to break the trust of his wife then he can break your trust quite easily. This will keep haunting you. We received a story from a woman who spoke about how the constantly lying from her affair partner gave her deep trust issues. Even after promising her he would leave his wife, he never did and she carried that into the next relationship with a single man and then the next one. She found it difficult to take what the other men said on face value and became the reason why she could not maintain a healthy relationship that could lead to a more permanent partnership or marriage.
13. You will miss your opportunity to meet the right man
Time is precious, the married man you are in an affair with will not let you go (unless his wife had discovered the affair) and without realizing you will miss on the beautiful phase of youth wishing for something that was never going to happen. You will miss the chance of being a priority for the man as he is to you. You will miss on a ring on your finger, someone to wake up with every morning or share a home with. Just because you are stuck with a married man who is not willing to accept you completely and bravely, you will miss the opportunity to meet the right man. Here’s a piece on what the actor Nargis Fakhri said on self-loving and how it will help you find the right man.
You will spend some crucial years of your life waiting for the man to make you his priority and this might never happen.
14. Your relationship will be criticized by all
No one will approve of your relationship with a married man, not even your mother. You may have a thousand good qualities, you are kind and helpful, you are smart and a great money manager, perhaps you help people figure out their dressing or you are a fabulous cook. But all your good deeds and qualities will pale in from of this one act of your life. All you will hear is criticism and maybe even see pity. That will hurt you and make you miserable.
15. He will not support you when there is any problem
One of the core characteristics of a man who cheats on his wife is that he is unable to tackle difficult situations. Something that he thought was missing in his marriage he sought in relationship with you, in one sense he took the short-cut. A married man will have his family, work, his parents and a host of other responsibilities, do you think he will take your problems too on his head? Plus he sees you as a person that helps him escape from the grim reality if you share your dark parts he will run away before you realize it. This is the reason why extramarital affairs break the moment the other woman starts acting like his wife! A lady wrote about her married lover though confessed how he will get the moon for her loved his wife far more here.
16. Imagine a time when he is no longer interested in what you offer him
What if the relationship runs its period. The excitement, the romance all have turned routine. You have no legal claim and you the two of you do not share committed goals- children, home, etc. What if you lose his respect over some matter, how difficult you think it will be for him to cut you off from his life? Here is a piece on how to get over a married man who dumped you.
17. You will never be able to put forth your opinions
The power in such a relationship rests with the married man. If you mistreat him or disrespect his wishes, then he will threaten to leave you. He knows that you have no one except him in your life. So he will continue to use that against you. And he is less invested in the relationship than you are to take your opinions seriously. Essentially you are an extra in his life, this may sound rude, but it is the truth. If you do decide to break-away from your affair with the married man here are some tips to help you get through the affair withdrawals.
18. There will be two set rules, one for him and another for you
Any issue he faces in his married life will be shared with you. In the beginning, you may feel happy that he is sharing things, but you will soon see this is a one-way street. Remember the times you complained to him about your ex, he would get irritated and even may call you names. So there will be two rules in this relationship, one for him and one for you. Plus, you will feel like you are just a caretaker for him.
Consequences of sleeping with a married man
When you are involved with a married man, the consequences can be heartbreaking. You will be a temporary person in his life and will eventually end up feeling alone, neglected and used. Emotional dramas, the married man blaming you for the affair, his wife threatening to teach you a lesson, your family and friends feeling ashamed of you – all these are damaging consequences that you will have to face when you sleep with a married man. An affair with a married man can be a recipe for disaster.
You have to be strong, emotionally and in every which way to say no or if already in an affair to end it once and for all. It will not be easy but we promise if you stay firm it will start getting easier. Once you have created the space, someone else will show up to occupy it and you will find that someone who is made for you and only wants you as much as you want him! You have the right to a happy and healthy relationship, go ahead and seek it.