As told to Saheli Mitra
I knew I would not be with her in every waking moment on our wedding night itself. For that idea was an impossible one. I believed in giving my wife the space and independence she deserved. But I never realised, two years into marriage I would lose her to another man, and that too my childhood friend. For me, commitment and sexual exclusivity was supreme after marriage. I was a workaholic, and either never got the chance or never had the wish to indulge in any advances I ever faced from any of my female colleagues.
I still have no idea what led Suhani to falter. Was it a moment of vulnerability or heated lust? Despite my busy work schedule, I never neglected our relationship. I encouraged Suhani to work after marriage, though she was reluctant and left her job to turn a homemaker. She must have been bored, all alone at home. Else why should she bring another man into our bedroom, even if through the virtual world?
Related reading: 15 signs your husband is cheating on you with a co-worker
The phone kept buzzing
It was a chance discovery, when her phone kept beeping with strings of WhatsApp messages while she was busy downstairs in our garden on a lazy Sunday morning. I tried to switch the mobile off as it infringed on my extended hours of sleep, and that’s when I came across explicit sexual texts between Suhani and my childhood friend whom I introduced to her a year back. I kept telling myself it was phone sex or cyber-sex or whatever nomenclature can be given to it, to save my pride. Imagining her in bed physically with my friend was a moment of defeat for me, it was an insane torment!
My immediate response was to abandon her, never to connect with her sexually again or resume any form of intimacy. Not even a warm touch.
I was overwhelmed with the urge to know what exactly Suhani did with that man, did they actually make love or just enjoy the pleasure of sexting? After all, he lived in a different city and regular meetings or sexual encounters were next to impossible for them. But then that demon of jealousy took over. I had to restore a sense of power. I just needed to hold this woman who I started falling in love with after marriage. I just needed to say: “You are mine, not his.” I was ready to rape her, if she refused to respond. I lost all my common sense for sure.
Fighting the shadow
But our bedroom that night turned into a stage for emotionally charged scenes, as Suhani responded and did not shy away at all. It was like fighting a shadow duel for me, with that man who described intimate scenes to my wife. A conflict in bed resulting in an aggressive me and a passive Suhani, quite unthinkable, as it was always the other way round. And finally it ended in tears. She cried in ecstasy, I cried in pain. She held me close and said she had experienced the best orgasm ever. I held her to confess it was all done according to the sex texts sent by her friend. She froze in the heat of the moment, stunned!
Our Counsellor, Psychiatrist Dr Avani Tiwari, comments:
There are more questions than answers in this story. More importantly, let’s not forget we have only one version. We have no idea what was in Suhani’s mind.
Was the prominent Lack of communication to blame? Did she sext to fulfill her desires which she could not communicate to her husband? Was she more comfortable in the virtual anonymity than in face to face transactions? Did she describe her physical needs more openly through the veil of the Internet? Was the long distance relationship a safer option? Was the friend following Suhani’s leads or were they better compatible physically?
Was Suvanker following his friend’s direct instructions or his wife’s hints that were translated in them? Was it the dream fulfilled for her or just the guilt of emotional infidelity? Why did he think of sex in a situation that clearly demanded discussion? How emotionally close were they and how close was he to the reality of their relationship?
And finally, how closely emotional and physical aspects of relationships are linked?
The answers, while different for each individual, aren’t going to be right or wrong. They will be a part of you. And your relationships.
You can consult Dr Avani Tiwari for any personal queries you have.